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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband affair

115 replies

Nefney14 · 03/04/2019 19:21

Please someone tell me how on earth you get over this?
On Tuesday I found out my husband of only 18 months has been having an affair all the while I’ve been dealing with a brain tumour and for the last week he has been going back and forth changing his mind about where he wants to be it is absolutely killing me. I know i am worth so much more than this and I know he shouldn’t even have the option to be with me anymore but every time I think about him leaving I can physically feel my heart breaking every inch of my body is hurting I’m about to have surgery and he needs to stay here until after that to look after the kids and I have no idea how I’m going to get through them weeks knowing that he’s with her and he’s messaging her. How am I meant to walk around knowing I’m going to bump into them? How do I hand my kids over and let them play happily families? I don’t even know why I’m posting. But how the hell do you make this pain go away?

OP posts:

Alaria44 · 04/04/2019 11:27

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Please reach out to friends, family, gp, schools etc

If you were a family member or friend of mine, hell even a mum on school run, I'd do whatever I can to help as I'm sure many other people would!

Don't go through this alone. You are not an idiot, I think we all know who the idiot is! How utterly disgusting of that so called husband of yours.

You can get through this, I wish you all the best and hope you recover.

hazell42 · 04/04/2019 12:52

As shitty as it sounds, a lot of men cheat on their wives when the wives fall ill.
No idea why
Can't face the responsibility probably.
The best you can do atm Is probably to insist that he looks after the children and provides basic practical support, and put the question of whether or not you leave him on the back burner til you are well enough to cope with it
Though that is a difficult thing to forgive
Best of luck

Nearlythere1 · 04/04/2019 18:44

I wouldn't tell him he can see and speak to the kids whenever he wants. You've already said he's spent days ignoring them and letting them cry for him while he was with the OW. Set standard times otherwise he'll just take the absolute piss.

Original poster

Nefney14 · 04/04/2019 20:01

@nearlythere he works shift work in a kitchen so realistically if I say he has to commit to set days and times I’m basically banning him from seeing them because I know he can’t do that 😔 if he doesn’t bother with them that’s completely on him and he’ll have to live with the consequences and guilt of that but at least I’ll be able to tell my kids I made it as easy as possible for him :(

OP posts:

Nupro · 04/04/2019 21:10

He is a selfish vile man probably also narcissistic. You have to put yourself first . it is probably not the first time he has been a dog on heat.
It is true men often cannot cope with health issues but I think this is more than that, he is cruel and selfish and putting his own needs and wants first. You know inside yourself that this man is abusive and probably has been like it for a very long time. he will drain and humiliate you and say it is your fault. Do not let him control this situation it sounds like you have made steps in the right direction. Speak with friends you will be surprised how even acquaintances will be there to help you, moms at children's school and neighbors will step up to help just ask. find a support group, go on line like you have done with mumsnet...... your vile husband has the potential to be this disgusting he is capable of continuing to hurt you and your self esteem. You need to get well and strong again get all the help you can most people are good and they will understand your situation. Be brave and do your research , he is a weak low life and not worth your heartache.

Original poster

Nefney14 · 06/04/2019 21:31

He’s gone 🙌🙌🙌 still couldn’t make his mind up so it was made for him. Blocked every way of him contacting me for now because he’s trying to get me to still let him live here while he makes a decision (obviously not a long term solution because of the kids but temporary until I can trust myself not to buckle. I’m seeing the surgeon on the 2nd of May so hopefully will be better soon. I was fooling myself by saying he was here to help me I’ve done it on my own for the last 6 months anyway and if he doesn’t want to be here realistically what help is he actually going to be. I’m just going to end up torturing myself as well as having to deal with the build up to the operation. I’ve got a million and one friends willing to help me my best friend even offered to pay for someone to come and stay if worst comes to worst. So here’s to the future pain free 🙌🙌🙌

OP posts:

Handsoffmysweets · 06/04/2019 21:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

sandi2019 · 06/04/2019 21:54

Loads of love OP xx he really is a c.......this is a bit controversial but.......a man did the dirty on me in a similar way a few years back now.....when he came to his senses he begged for forgiveness for being a horrible person....he was consumed with guilt and said he felt suicidal.
I forgave him.......he then said....great.....and carried on with his life without a care in the world whilst I was still picking up the pieces.
I wish I hadn't been so forgiving.....I'm annoyed at myself for it.....I should've just said....well.....its your fault....you were a c....tough x

StephsCaddy · 06/04/2019 21:59

Well done. I admire how you are coping with this.
He’s an utter cunt who will never change whilst you are a lioness.

Nearlythere1 · 06/04/2019 22:20

Amazing OP!! I love how positive and clear-minded your update is now you've had time to think! Lean on their friends, they want to help!
And I agree with @sandi2019 - I once forgave a guy for going off with somebody in a "we were on a break" scenario. I told him i didnt want him self-flagellating, I just wanted to forget it all. And did he self-flagellate one bit? Did he hell. I was left dealing with my hurt while he never showed an ounce of remorse after I gave him the green light of forgiveness. Stay strong if he comes knocking at your door in the future, and remember, his pain is his problem! Good luck and please let us know how you're getting on!!!

LondonHuffyPuffy · 07/04/2019 00:07

🙌🏼 @Nefney14

What a fantastic update. Stay strong, take all the help that is offered from your friends.

Remember you are amazing and he is a cunt x

Italiangreyhound · 07/04/2019 02:51

Nefney14 you sound a lot more in control and that is great. Thinking of you. XXXX

Ironymaiden · 07/04/2019 03:12

I’m heartbroken for you. This is one of the cruelest things I’ve ever read. You got this though, nobody is judging you. Ask for help. You’d be surprised who’ll rally around when you need help.

Forkrightorf · 07/04/2019 04:18

OP one day you will look back on this period and see that not only did you conquer a bloody brain tumour, you had the strength and courage to sling your absolute bellend of a husband. And raise your kids alongside!
Honestly you are a hero. Please lean on all the RL support you possibly can and continue to vent here if it helps emotionally. Sending you all my best wishes

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 11:18

@nearlythere
SAME. And sorry to hear that.

OP....you are obviously a lovely person....please dont make the same mistake and be so forgiving (....people say we should forgive to be able to move on.....I disagree.....forgiving has made me angry and resentful at myself for doing it!) Xx

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