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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband affair

115 replies

Nefney14 · 03/04/2019 19:21

Please someone tell me how on earth you get over this?
On Tuesday I found out my husband of only 18 months has been having an affair all the while I’ve been dealing with a brain tumour and for the last week he has been going back and forth changing his mind about where he wants to be it is absolutely killing me. I know i am worth so much more than this and I know he shouldn’t even have the option to be with me anymore but every time I think about him leaving I can physically feel my heart breaking every inch of my body is hurting I’m about to have surgery and he needs to stay here until after that to look after the kids and I have no idea how I’m going to get through them weeks knowing that he’s with her and he’s messaging her. How am I meant to walk around knowing I’m going to bump into them? How do I hand my kids over and let them play happily families? I don’t even know why I’m posting. But how the hell do you make this pain go away?

OP posts:

Fcukthisshit · 03/04/2019 21:09

He’s an absolute disgrace. I hope you can get some help sorted.

sandi2019 · 03/04/2019 21:10

No words of wisdom I'm afraid....

Just to echo what the others have said.

Your husband is a first class C*.......I never use that word.

I had such an extreme reaction reading your post........what a low-life, scummy POS he is. How could a man do this??

And that woman....interfering with a marriage.

I hope they both get supremely sh*t on.

I am so sorry OP xxxxxxxxx I really wished you had someone else you can rely on.....friends.....family....to get you through the next few months.

I think he will be carried away with that woman.........but........when that excitement wears off, he will be hit with what he did to you......a mother who was suffering and him causing you all this pain. I think he will be tortured by that for a long time. I hope it eats him up for the rest of his life 😡😡😡😡😡

Boysey45 · 03/04/2019 21:11

Where your immediate family OP? why cant they help you out?
What a cunt, just use him if you have to until you can get help sorted then fuck him off.

VBT2 · 03/04/2019 21:11

Get some proper advice from doctors/social services. It sounds to me as though you can’t rely on him to care for the kids in any case and you need some external support. Your local council will probably have some provision for support workers to taking to school/picking up and they may have some sort of respite care too.

Hold your head up high. He’s the lowest of the low and your life will be 100 times better without this man in it. Get proper advice and support, focus on your health and draw a line under this marriage - you and your kids deserve so much more.

Pinotjo · 03/04/2019 21:17

I'm no help, but remember that the worst day of your life is only 24 hours long & you're asleep approx 8 hours of that. He's a vile individual, she's 21, it won't last, have your op, let him go when your better, hold your head up, I'm wishing you well xx

Wallywobbles · 03/04/2019 21:25

Do you have a spare room. If yes I think you need a live in person. Put an advert wherever and look for someone to live in until you are better. Take his unreliable arse out of the picture altogether.

My utterly shit exh was such a cunt he refused to tell me if he'd be in or out if I had an engagement so I had to get a babysitter. He'd then stay in and bore the shit out of them and make them really ill at ease. He just lived fucking with everyone.

truthisarevolutionaryact · 03/04/2019 21:26

Dear OP.
If you have outed yourself on facebook then people will know. Trust me, they will not be judging you - only him.

There will be support for you but you need to be courageous and ask. I can see a number of people on this thread so moved by what has happened that they would help - and that is the reaction that you'll get from family and friends. Please reach out to them and let them help \ get help for you.

longtimelurkerhelen · 03/04/2019 21:32

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are not an idiot, but a victim of circumstances beyond your control. If you can, I think it would really help you to accept that you no longer want him as a husband (I read some of your post from 2017, he sounds all round awful). You have that choice, it is not his to make. It would really give you some piece of mind once you have made the decision. Obviously it is not a easy choice, but an important one for your mental health.

Social services should be able to help with practicalities, especially as you have already had contact with them.

What he is doing to you at the most vulnerable time in your life is despicable.

Why would any woman want him, knowing how he is treating his family, does the ow know about your operation and medical situation?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 03/04/2019 21:33

Oh OP, you poor love. He really is a despicable cunt.

I truly hope that he does step up and look after his family, and when the time is right I hope you get immeasurable pleasure from telling him to get the fuck out of your life. You can and will get through this, and the other side will be so much brighter

Penndragon · 03/04/2019 21:39

My dear I am so sorry you are going through this. You are being so brave and courageous just getting up each morning so don't berate yourself. I have gone through every aspect that you describe except your very serious health issues. Your assessment of needing your husband to care for the children until you are better is correct so I would not seek other people to look after them right now. They need the familiarity of their father right now, however crap a dad he is. You need a house to come home to and him paying the bills. Use him for the bits that he is still useful for while you bide your time and get well. Bunk the kids in one room so you can have separate bedrooms. However toxic and deceitful he is he is probably still better than you or the children living with strangers or being shunted around other family right now. You need to grit your teeth however hateful it is to protect the practicalities.Having children in tow may cramp his style so embrace it. The gloss may wear off quite quickly when he is not unencumbered, especially if she is very young. She won't play happy families for long when reality dawns. You need to discreetly start photocopying any financial info that may be useful later if you do divorce. Bank statements, all pensions, shares, mortgages, property. Every time you go in a supermarket take £30 cash back and keep for a rainy day. You are likely to be very vulnerable financially. Lay down fat in next size childrens shoes, next winters school coats, work clothes etc while you can. Make sure your debts are not just in your name and family assets in his sole name. These situations rarely come out of the blue and he is likely to have planned ahead. If it all gets too much you should be able to get an Occupation Order to remove him from the house and sometimes the court will require that he continues to pay the mortgage, especially if you are ill at present. Sometimes, and usually only if there is enough money for him to rent temporarily. You need to get legal advice first. But my instinct is that you would be better dragging it out as long as possible with him in the home to get through your op first. Once you are ready, talk to a solicitor with a list of specific legal questions but then consider using a McKenzie Friend to support you through the divorce process/do paperwork if you decide on that route. You can combine the 2, to keep costs lower.
There is a risk that Social Services could decide that the children should live with him if he raises concerns or if he leaves and you are too ill to care for them. Soc Service are simply covering their back to keep the children physically safe (especially if you are having seizures) but if he were to get primary care of the children it may be hard to reverse it later as the courts may not want to disrupt the children again. I would use every bit of help and support you can find and ensure the children are well dressed, fed, clean and wouldn't say anything in school that would flag any safeguarding concern. But you do need to be honest with yourself about whether you can care for them while so ill.Children witnessing acrimony between parents is also a safe guarding concern. Schools have a duty to report any concerns. The courts rarely make moral judgements so you need to set that to one side for now and just deal with practicalities. You can mourn later. Big hugs

Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/04/2019 21:50

if you are in east london i will do a couple of days with you happily
the seisures will be worse with stress
can you ask your medical team for home carers
if your school mums knew what you were going through they ould muck in and have kids over fot tea

Boopeedoop · 03/04/2019 21:55

You can ask for funding for carers. Speak to social services. Make use of them. Ask school parents, your health visitor. Anyone. Fingers crossed for you. Be gentle on yourself. X

snowdrop6 · 03/04/2019 22:05

Can the children's school or nursery help ,..I'm sure if your children's class mates parents knew they would offer to help...I would ....it's good you are putting it on Facebook as it means people may offer to help..not a single person will judge you op..have you a local church ? Could you contact them ,they may have local people who could help out practically...or have you a home start ,you contact for help ? They do home visits ,or a children's centre ,they may offer help.as may your health visitor ,...try every avenue you can think of ,take every offer of help there is.....xxxxxxxx Im thinking of you ..

Hohofortherobbers · 03/04/2019 22:06

Start telling people you trust what he's done. They will never think you're an idiot, you need their support, you don't have to accept this from him,

Hohofortherobbers · 03/04/2019 22:07

Start telling people you trust what he's done. They will never think you're an idiot, you need their support, you don't have to accept this from him,

sandi2019 · 03/04/2019 22:10

That's a great idea above.... your local church xx even if you're not active in it....speak to them... xx
We are in Humberside area Monday to Wednesday each week....then we have to travel all over.....but beginning of week if you are anywhere near Humberside....you never know....we will help.

HeyThereDelilah1 · 03/04/2019 22:26

Christ, he’s behaved in an unconscionable way and he’s a man who deserves all the scorn he’ll undoubtedly get. I can’t help but think that anyone in their right mind will do their best to help, school parents, teachers, health care workers, local churches, Macmillan or any other relevant charities? Are you in a city or the country?

Chillyegg · 03/04/2019 22:29

I’ve pm’ed you op.

Your husband is vile piece of shit
You’re so much better than him. I wonder if you could get someone to live with you? Would family or friends come for a few weeks after the op? Could you go there? Could you contact social services to ask for help. They won’t take the children away they’ll provide support? Your local church? I feel like the removal of his negative presence will help you heal!
As they say in head get your ducks in a row and boot the fucker out. God he’s such a bastard!

MadameAnchou · 03/04/2019 22:30

Wow, he takes the prize for twat. I'm just glad you've got support here. You are NOT an idiot!

milksoffagain · 03/04/2019 22:31

You poor darling I am so so sorry you are going through this. Do not blame yourself for a minute this is entirely him. If you are anywhere near Surrey/West Sussex/Hants please pm me and I will help you if I can. You will get through this x

kateandme · 03/04/2019 22:34

i think I remember your post from when you were first married?he sounded like he didn't treat you well even then.so for this to have continued and to end here!gosh im so sorry what a nob.and actually shows how brilliant you are for sticking by him so bloody long!
hes the idiot here never you.your reacting to nobbish behaviour and being under extreme ill health must exacerbate things terribly.
you say you've moved from family?do they know.its suprising sometimes how much they will step up hun when needs be.a friend or family in these times can move mountain to help the people they love.is there anyone you can think of that could come stay.
do you need to be located here for treatment or could you move back to closer to people who can help.
if he really does need to say you need to be able to set some ground rules.hes been the shit here he needs to step up and in line to make this as easy as possible for you and the kids.

kateandme · 03/04/2019 22:35

you say he is deciding what he wants and who?
but what do you want.do you want to try and work it out or just have to because you need to keep you kids safe?

clippityclop · 03/04/2019 22:39

Some brilliant advice here. I agree with Penndragon, get practical and focus on the children. Call in your favours and rally your family. THinking of you x

wtf2015 · 03/04/2019 22:41

Op I've been in similar situation. Tbh the realisation that I was being an idiot was the strength to change things... we all have times when we behave in a way we aren't proud off and we all have times that we allow ourselves to be treated like something they trod in for too long.. you aren't the first and you won't be the last. You can't change what has happened but you can change how it ends. Take a deep breath and deal with it. If he was suddenly died you would be on your own and would cope. Be thankful it is your choice to be single and change your life. It's too short.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2019 22:42

Brilliant advice from Penndragon

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