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Original poster

Husband affair

115 replies

Nefney14 · 03/04/2019 19:21

Please someone tell me how on earth you get over this?
On Tuesday I found out my husband of only 18 months has been having an affair all the while I’ve been dealing with a brain tumour and for the last week he has been going back and forth changing his mind about where he wants to be it is absolutely killing me. I know i am worth so much more than this and I know he shouldn’t even have the option to be with me anymore but every time I think about him leaving I can physically feel my heart breaking every inch of my body is hurting I’m about to have surgery and he needs to stay here until after that to look after the kids and I have no idea how I’m going to get through them weeks knowing that he’s with her and he’s messaging her. How am I meant to walk around knowing I’m going to bump into them? How do I hand my kids over and let them play happily families? I don’t even know why I’m posting. But how the hell do you make this pain go away?

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 03/04/2019 20:13

I'm terribly sorry you're going through this now.

It's easy to say but don't blame yourself if you decide to try and park making big decisions until you're recovered enough to look after your DCs safely. You can then, if you choose, end things. I doubt your husband (and his girlfriend) have a heart. For what it's worth, if he is able to treat you this badly, she should already be able to see what he is really like.

It might feel unbearable now and I realise it feels like the worst time to find out. In years to come, it might have been better to find out about his vile nature while you are younger rather than coming out of decades of an unhappy marriage with perhaps no career or earning potential and fewer choices. That said, I would think what he has and is doing is close to unforgiveable.

Sorry if I've said anything wrong, his behaviour is terrible and I'm trying to say something helpful though I realise there probably won't be a right thing to say.

As PPs have said, do you have any family who can come round to help, offer support and look after your DCs (who I expect will be worried about their DM).

I hope the treatment and your recovery goes as well as it can and you get back on your feet and able to kick him into touch as soon as possible.

Princess1066 · 03/04/2019 20:15

So sorry @Nef

Agree with previous posters - your husband is a complete bstard cnt and w*nker Angry
Sending you very best wishes - hope you get the support help & love from friends & family that you desperately need & deserve Flowers

KittyDee · 03/04/2019 20:20

Hi op . I’m so sorry your husband has been so cruel .

Do you have any friends and family who could help with childcare / support you while you recover if your husband moved out( if that’s what you want)?

Evilspiritgin · 03/04/2019 20:20

Are the kids his? If not can the kids father help out? Nobody (family/friends) will think you are an idiot they will think he’s an enormous prick and will no doubt help you out with the kids and help you get rid of him

JaneEyre07 · 03/04/2019 20:21

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.

And don't hide his shame. If telling people makes you feel better, then do it.

He's the one to hang his head, not you.

CardsforKittens · 03/04/2019 20:23
Flowers Your husband doesn’t deserve you. I’m sure that decisions must be very hard right now. One thing to consider is that if you do tell friends and family about the affair you should get some support, whereas if you try to deal with it all alone it will be very difficult. But it’s understandable if you can’t bear to tell anyone yet. There are no right answers, but do put yourself first. More Flowers
purpleboy · 03/04/2019 20:29

What a c**t you poor thing dealing with all this at once!

Is the affair already public knowledge? Do not be ashamed it's him who should hang his head in shame.

StephsCaddy · 03/04/2019 20:37

What a fucking cunt.
This isn’t your fault OP, none of it.

Do you have any practical help at all?

Original poster
Nefney14 · 03/04/2019 20:37

Honestly I don’t even have the choice to kick him out I really wish I did I have people to help as in listen to me cry but no one I can ring after a seizure to help with the kids, no one who can stay with me after the operation and take the kids to school. I actually genuinely need him to step up and take care of his family which he is saying he will do but I’m not so sure. I don’t think she’s going to be happy with him staying here and I honestly think he’d give up everything in a heart beat. He left for for 4 days and refused to see his kids even tho they were crying for him and I was having non stop seizures I genuinely wasn’t being a good mum to them because I physically couldn’t be. So it’s definitely not a situation where i feel like I’m stuck and I’m not I am stuck with no choices or options than to sit through this until I’m better

OP posts:
LonelyMouse · 03/04/2019 20:37

Please don't think of yourself as an idiot. He is completely selfish and vile and I honestly can't believe anyone could be this disgusting and cruel.

Your family and friends will not be judging you, just him and the OW so please turn to them for support, both with this and throughout your treatment. You're going through so much you shouldn't be trying to do it all alone. x

Soundsgoodtome · 03/04/2019 20:40

I’m terribly sorry . You have great insight . I’m
Probably no help but get through your surgery, get all your family and friends on board and in time, when you are stronger and able to be independent again, get rid and look forward to brand new beginnings . He is an absolute bastard as you know , but to do this to you at this time , will hopefully , in the future, give you strength to look forward to starting afresh with your lovely children , without him . I wish you the very best

Original poster
Nefney14 · 03/04/2019 20:42

And just because I like to humiliate myself more I put screen shots of the messages on Facebook that’s how I was identified on here. So literally everyone knows what he’s done they just don’t know he’s been going back and forth for a week trying to decide what he wants. He hasn’t thought about anything or anyone he hasn’t thought about the fact she’s only 21, or the fact he has 2 children and no where to go where he’d still be able to see them regularly because we’ve moved away from all of our family, he hasn’t thought about that she lives on the next road and I’m going to have to walk past them with my children who are going to want to stop and see him, he hasn’t thought about the fact that he left came back and now wants to leave again all in a week and his children don’t know wether they are coming or going because one minute he’s here and the next he’s not. He hasn’t thought about the fact that i won’t he able to go back to work after my operation without him here or that it’s our sons birthday in 2 weeks. He literally hasnt thought about anything or anyone but himself

OP posts:
BetterToHaveLovedAndLost · 03/04/2019 20:42

OP, I read your other thread about him from 2017 and it sounds like he was treating you very badly. You’re going to have a much better life without him.

I see that the current situation is very tricky for you. Could you approach social services to get a carer for a while? Or could you pay for a live in nanny for a few weeks? I know it would be expensive but it would solve the problem.

BetterToHaveLovedAndLost · 03/04/2019 20:44

I know that it’s really tough now but I honestly think he’s done you a massive favour my releasing you of him. You will have a far happier life without him.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 03/04/2019 20:47

OP, please talk about the situation with your doctor, they may be able to refer you to an organisation that can provide the support you need while you are unwell.

Is it possible for someone close (friend/family) to help you out. Perhaps it will be difficult to find a single person to do all the job but between several people it wouldn’t be too much to ask.

Have you told your family or friends about this? If not, please do, you need all the help they can possibly offer and in situations like this people rally around to help.

ivykaty44 · 03/04/2019 20:47

What an evil wicked thing to do

Op I hope you have support in real life and are able to cut this *+%# out of your life

rabbitheadlights · 03/04/2019 20:48

where are you OP .... ? i will help if i can ? I have all dbs checks etc ... or even if it's just shopping or cleaning whatever you need??

Misstomrs2016 · 03/04/2019 20:49

Op this is so sad 😞 I am sorry you are going through this. Don’t ever call yourself an idiot because you are not. Sending big hugs your way x

Dodie66 · 03/04/2019 20:53

Is there no organisation that could help you with looking after the children while you are ill? Could you speak to your GP and ask if you can get help? There must be some way you can get help.
How old are your children?

GreatDuckCookery · 03/04/2019 20:56

I’ve read some terrible things from women about their husbands but this is on another level. He’s despicable.

Talking to your GP is a good idea OP. Do you have any friends nearby that you can call?

Original poster
Nefney14 · 03/04/2019 20:56

I don’t think realistically there’s any organisation that can help me. Maybe for the time in hospital but the actual now part where I’m having seizures every other day and headaches so bad that I can’t do anything. I already have a social services report both for the kids and an adult one for me because he came home drunk at 10am and kicked off so I think if I ask them for help they’re going to say I’m not okay to look after them and he’s not fit

OP posts:
shaddywaddy · 03/04/2019 20:57

Where are you op ?

Italiangreyhound · 03/04/2019 20:58

I am so sorry, this is awful.

If you are worried he cannot care for the kids, can you see if help if available elsewhere.

He really does not deserve you. he has put his affair ahead of you and the kids, he is a sad little man. Please do whatever is best for you and the kids, whatever that is.

Park your emotions if you can and focus on your health. XXXXX

LakieLady · 03/04/2019 21:00

What a fucking bastard. I'm gobsmacked that anyone could be so callous to do this when you're so ill and facing serious surgery.

Have you friends that are local who could help out a bit with some of the practical stuff? Or give emotional support?

He really is a complete shit.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/04/2019 21:01

I wish you the best with the brain tumour treatment

Practically speaking have him around for the next few months as you get through this and recovery

Treat him as a career and when it’s over then - you deal with him

Life shouldn’t hand us this much shit at the same time . And it fucking does Shock

Wishing you every ounce of healing strength OP FlowersFlowersFlowers