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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not texting toxic mum on Mothers' Day?

69 replies

sunshineandsnow · 03/04/2019 12:54

Massive massive recent history of me (allegedly) being unreasonable. Here:

To be upset at another secret family party. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3516867-to-be-upset-at-another-secret-family-party

The family rift began a few years ago now and is quite ridiculous. I text DM on Sat and asked if I could pop round on Sunday with a card and present. She replied she was out all day (of course, Facebook later tells me this is with my DSis).

Monday morning. Massive text rant from her asking why I never messaged her yesterday, why I am so rude to her etc etc.

Bear in mind there was also a massive row on Friday because I changed my locks and didn't give her a key 

I didn't message you because you already said you were busy, you were already being arsey with me and basically, I couldn't be bothered! I didn't say that, but AIreallyBU not to have messaged her?

OP posts:
HJWT · 03/04/2019 12:58

@sunshineandsnow you will get lots of people saying Yabu, and petty and childish and all the rest of it BUT i say YANBU, she is your mum as well as Dsis, why not invite you or tell you to come before she leaves / after she gets back?

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 03/04/2019 13:03

I wasn't even so much bothered about the way she wouldn't let me go round on Sunday, I'm pretty much used to that now. I'm more pissed off that both DM and DD are being arsey with me now about not texting on Sunday to say happy Mother's Day, after I had tried to make the effort.

OP posts:
chuttypicks · 03/04/2019 14:37

Why do you keep these people in your life. Your volume of posts about them should surely show you that you need to cut them out? Seems obvious to me.

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 03/04/2019 15:20

Because I'm an idiot who thinks it's important to be nice to family. I'd feel like the unreasonable one for going no contact.

OP posts:
MaMaMaMySharona · 03/04/2019 15:29

If she's text you a massive rant, I'd send her one back - outlining the facts from all of these recent events and how it's made you feel to be ostracised from the family - and to feel as though it's your fault while she quite blatantly favours your sister!

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 03/04/2019 15:41

I've told her several times that she favours her. She always turns it back on me imagining it and hating my sister for nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 03/04/2019 15:41

Despite knowing what they are like, I fee quite down about how they are speaking to me this week.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 03/04/2019 17:43

Why are you surprised? You are treated like shit yet you still go back for more. Don't give your mother a key, don't contact her for a month and see if she comes crawling to you. I really think you should cut the lot of them out of your life. In a few months time you would have a new lease of life, free from the shackles of these awful people. You are only annoying yourself by having any contact with them.

Fifteenthnamechange · 03/04/2019 17:48

YANBU regardless of mother & daughter you're both adults & you both deserve respect. You don't deserve to have to go back time& time again for poor treatment Thanks

werideatdawn · 03/04/2019 17:55

I think YABU to continue any form of contact.
Why would someone that treats you like shit even think they would get a house key?
Cut them loose and stop going back for more!

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 03/04/2019 18:01

When it reaches a point where I give up and try to go NC for a while, it just results in more abuse. Then I get messages from so many people telling me how wrong I am to treat them like his.

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 03/04/2019 18:06

I have read your other threads, and this one, with horror & sadness. YANBU - they are behaving atrociously!

Chloemol · 03/04/2019 21:53

I think before you go nc you should write a calm letter to both your mum and your sister, calmly saying how they have made you feel, and the impact on your dd, that you want to meet to find a way forward and out this behind you. That then leaves the ball in their court. If they don’t respond you know where you stand and go nc, but they may just reflect and you all find a way forward

SandyY2K · 03/04/2019 23:26

You continue to seek validation from someone who doesn't care about you. Until you develop more understanding of yourself and develop your own self concept, not what has been projected on you... the current cycle will repeat for the rest of your life.

If people bother you about going NC... ignore or cut them out of your life.

Having such negative behaviour from your mum will further erode your self esteem and just seems to have you desperate for crumbs from her.

You're treated like a second class citizen where she's concerned and while you engage... it won't stop.

Your DM won't change... so you accept her as she is, because repeated complaining is not helping you...or you take decisive action.

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 04/04/2019 12:54

She texted this morning offering tea. I said no thanks. I've since been bombarded with texts about why she doesn't have a key yet, why I aren't speaking to her, why I never go for tea.

Always the same pattern!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 04/04/2019 19:33

She's actually turned up. In the middle of tea. Demanding her key. What the actual fuck.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 04/04/2019 19:36

DON'T GIVE HER A KEY!

ScreamScreamIceCream · 04/04/2019 19:39

No she cannot have a key.

Her primary residence is not your house.

ohfourfoxache · 04/04/2019 19:42

No key

And if she’s causing a disturbance, police

tablelegs · 04/04/2019 19:43

No key

Tell her to get to fuck op

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 04/04/2019 19:46

I've very clearly told her all week that she isn't having a key. I changed the locks because she has I don't know how many copies of my old one. She doesn't need it!!!

OP posts:
Absolutepowercorrupts · 04/04/2019 20:00

SandyY2K
Has posted valuable advice,

You cannot change her behaviour
You cannot change her attitude
You cannot change your sister's attitude
There is nothing you can do about your family's behaviour.
You can only change your attitude to her, the more you respond the worse she'll get.
Google "the monkey dance" it's all about how to deal with narcissistic people.
If you keep behaving the same way she will too

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 04/04/2019 20:08

If all my family hate me, it's so hard not to think that there's something wrong with me and I need to fix it somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 04/04/2019 20:09

I've hardly responded at all recently. She just ups her fuckwittery. Turning up tonight - she never actually comes to my house normally!

OP posts:
Chocolateisfab · 04/04/2019 20:11

My df once commented I had never bought him a df day card.
I said he had never acted like a df....
Seriously op what does she add to your life?!
Oh and been nc with df for 20 years now!!

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