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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not texting toxic mum on Mothers' Day?

69 replies

sunshineandsnow · 03/04/2019 12:54

Massive massive recent history of me (allegedly) being unreasonable. Here:

To be upset at another secret family party. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/3516867-to-be-upset-at-another-secret-family-party

The family rift began a few years ago now and is quite ridiculous. I text DM on Sat and asked if I could pop round on Sunday with a card and present. She replied she was out all day (of course, Facebook later tells me this is with my DSis).

Monday morning. Massive text rant from her asking why I never messaged her yesterday, why I am so rude to her etc etc.

Bear in mind there was also a massive row on Friday because I changed my locks and didn't give her a key

I didn't message you because you already said you were busy, you were already being arsey with me and basically, I couldn't be bothered! I didn't say that, but AIreallyBU not to have messaged her?

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshineandsnow · 04/04/2019 20:15

Nothing. I know you are all right. I just want it to be normal and can't live with the guilt of not fixing it.

OP posts:

Chocolateisfab · 04/04/2019 20:18

I am nc with dm also. I actually spelled out to her that she was no dm at all and I had no place for her in my life. She was an unsuitable dgm, I gave her an opportunity and she was diabolical. No regrets. Nc for 7 years, and ten years before that blip!
No guilt and no regrets.

billybagpuss · 04/04/2019 20:19

I remember all your previous threads and I honestly don’t think there is anything you can do to fix it.

Just try and take a step back and enjoy your own family.

Drum2018 · 04/04/2019 20:34

You cannot fix them. They are who they are and they won't change for you or anyone. So you are wasting your guilt. There is no reason to feel guilt. Please take advice of pp and stop contact. Block anyone who tries to contact you and talk you into running back to them. Set yourself free from them. They are toxic.

Groovee · 04/04/2019 20:37

So she treats you so bad but gets stroppy because she's not heard from you on Mother's Day despite telling you that you couldn't visit?

She can't have her cake and eat it!

You deserve better x

Ticklingcheese · 04/04/2019 20:40

I too remember your previous threads. It is not just you, it's your family dynamics that are designed to make you feel guilty and being a scapegoat. Please stop, this gives you nothing positive, it destroys you.
Going LC or NC is hard, but for your own sake please try to get over the initial first hard months. And stop thinking the flying monkeys are in any way right.
I know you have been well adviced on the other threads, now please start to listen. Try if you can get some counselling to built your self confidence. Best of luck, we are rooting for you to break free 😀.

Original poster

sunshineandsnow · 04/04/2019 20:55

Thank you. It's not the NC I find hard, it's the way they up their game when I try it. They are relentless and I feel so drained.

OP posts:

Ticklingcheese · 04/04/2019 21:07

Be brave op 😀.
Every time you give up, when they do up their game, they know it works and the next time you try to NC they will know this and try even harder/longer.
You must be in it for the long run. Hence why I suggested some counseling. Is it in any way possible for you to move away?

Original poster

sunshineandsnow · 04/04/2019 21:22

My life is here. I don't want to move.

OP posts:

Chocolateisfab · 04/04/2019 21:27

My dm tried to contact dd and manipulate her. I left a voice mail saying I would seek legal advice is she continued to try and make contact. Did the trick.

Nomorepies · 04/04/2019 21:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Nairobe · 04/04/2019 21:45

I remember your threads, your family are abusive users. You aren't being nice to give them more chances to hurt you, it's masochistic.

Give yourself a gift...ditch them all.

IHateUncleJamie · 04/04/2019 21:49

I just want it to be normal and can't live with the guilt of not fixing it.

It’s never going to be normal. You can’t fix it. I’m sure you have been trained to think everything is your fault and your responsibility but it’s not.

I’m NC with my abusive mother and even though I’ve blocked her phone and emails she still tries to get in touch. It gets easier to ignore every time.

It takes courage but just because these people are relatives it does NOT mean that you have to tolerate being abused by them. You deserve a life free of them. Your Mother will try to keep you scared of her but you don’t need to be. When your family keeps showing you what they think of you, believe them.

DonPablo · 04/04/2019 21:57

My mobile phone can take two sim cards, does yours? You could get your self a cheap sim and tell anybody you want to be in contact with your new number,.change it at school etc. Then just check the old number periodically. Even if it only holds one sim, you can swap them over. Means you don't get the texts just coming through.

Or block them. For a while, whike you try out NC.

There's nothing wrong with you at all. You're just being treated badly and it massively affects self esteem. Be kind to yourself.

billybagpuss · 05/04/2019 06:46

I know you’ve tried to have it out with her before but what sort of things have you said?

And when was the last time you spoke to Dsis?

PillowTalker · 05/04/2019 06:49

You seem to be a glutton for punishment. Time to go NC I think

Original poster

sunshineandsnow · 05/04/2019 06:52

I can't even remember the last time I spoke to DSis. It would have been one of the arguments. We haven't spoken in the meantime.

As soon as DM seems to realise that I'm taking control and going NC, she bombards me.

OP posts:

AlwaysCheddar · 05/04/2019 06:55

Go lc, stay strong and do not give her a key under any circumstances! Don’t even leave yours in sight if she comes round!

Springwalk · 05/04/2019 06:58

Op. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. This is not about anyone hating you. This is about mind games and power play. The more you respond to her the worse she/and all her flying monkeys will get.

Please see them for what they are and stop responding.

Ignore the front door when she comes, ignore the texts turn your phone off. Get some counselling.

Definitely do not give her a key under any circumstances.

GimmeBread · 05/04/2019 06:58

She can't bombard you if you block her OP. If she turns up at your house ignore the door. Close the curtains. Turn the volume up on the tv.

You're punishing yourself for someone else's bad behaviour and you have to stop it.

I've perfected ignoring people I don't want to talk to. Even when they're right beside me!

Bibijayne · 05/04/2019 07:00

If you know she's going to do that. Pre-emptively block her number.

Do you have any leave available? Might be worth going somewhere for a week or two and not telling them where you are.

Springwalk · 05/04/2019 07:12

Op if you find no contact too hard (and I know I do)

Then have you considered 'civilised contact'?

The starting point for this is way forward is recognising that you are being emotionally abused by people that are supposed to love you.

It is recognising that they will never ever change.

It is accepting that you are not going to be able to 'fix' anyone and certainly not them.

You will have to accept that they are not the people you want them to be, you do not have the family of your dreams. The cold hard reality that your mother is not a nice person at all she is an abuser, and your sister is no better. They are never going to be the loving family you wish them to be. You need to let go of this idea that it will somehow get better, it won't.

Once you are there with that. YOU choose what you want to do for them (or not) to ensure that your life is comfortable. That might mean one christmas card a year, or it might mean nothing at all.

Google 'civilised contact narc parents'. It has worked for me over the years. I have been able to keep my distance both physically and emotionally, and I feel much better for it. I send the odd card and text here and there and that is all, I do not have to carry what was a very heavy burden of guilt of complete no contact. I know this is part of the conditioning, but it isn't easy for everyone to overcome.

I admire those that are able to do nc but it is hard. In the end you have to be able to live with yourself. You have to start parenting yourself, making time for self care and start really taking care of yourself op. Don't let anyone fuck you over, and get away with it. Block them and stop letting them hurt you. Start being your own best friend. You need them far less than you think you do.

You did the right thing not texting her on mothers day. Given that she choose to hurt you again why the hell would you?? What would thank you mother for? She is alot of things, but she is not a good mother op.

billybagpuss · 05/04/2019 07:35

Have there been other issues with dsis or is the crux of this the fact that you didn’t invite a 9yo niece to a 12yo school friends only birthday party? It all seems very bizarre.

FrozenMargarita17 · 05/04/2019 07:43

Op cut them off already! How much more hand wringing do you want to do while they treat you like shit?

LagunaBubbles · 05/04/2019 07:50

Because I'm an idiot who thinks it's important to be nice to family. I'd feel like the unreasonable one for going no contact

Shame they don't feel the same. But they don't. And it's not your fault. Do you really want to spend you whole life in this awful cycle of feeling like this? No. Well you need to cut them out if your life and so whst everyone else says. They have all the power and control and every single time your Mum feels its slipping of course she ups the ante! This is abuse.

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