Not texting toxic mum on Mothers' Day?

[sunshineandsnow]

Massive massive recent history of me (allegedly) being unreasonable. Here:

To be upset at another secret family party. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3516867-to-be-upset-at-another-secret-family-party

The family rift began a few years ago now and is quite ridiculous. I text DM on Sat and asked if I could pop round on Sunday with a card and present. She replied she was out all day (of course, Facebook later tells me this is with my DSis).

Monday morning. Massive text rant from her asking why I never messaged her yesterday, why I am so rude to her etc etc.

Bear in mind there was also a massive row on Friday because I changed my locks and didn't give her a key 

I didn't message you because you already said you were busy, you were already being arsey with me and basically, I couldn't be bothered! I didn't say that, but AIreallyBU not to have messaged her?

The whole family don't hate you. They all know your mother and know that if she isn't having a go at you and using you as the scapegoat, then they might be the next one she turns on and they don't want to risk that. So they go along happily letting her use you as the bad guy.
If you go NC she will up the texts, comments and general scape goating. Just like a child who is finally given boundaries will ramp up the temper tantrums to get back control.
Smile and nod and ignore. You can't change her, you can only change your reaction to her.
She may even get others to message and call you, know that they are doing her dirty work, refuse to discuss her with anyone else as it will just get right back to her to use as ammo.
My MIL did this, she even used my friend. This finished off a long friendship for me, our children had played together for many years, but she convinced friend I was wrong and she needed help to "get us back in line" using her charm and crocodile tears.

@Springwalk that's all really helpful. Thank you. That seems so much more possible than NC.

@billybagpuss the crux of this big fight is the party, but she has always been the favourite. I've never been good enough compared to her.

@Troels that's interesting...she does talk to my best friend, who tells me that I've only got one mother etc (but she lives far from her DM and struggles not seeing her, so it's very different and she doesn't get that).

Do you have other things going on in your life OP? If you can focus all your energies on building up your own social life including activities with people who don't know your family and from whom you can keep your life completely separate, you will have less time to get sucked into your family drama.

I know. And that's why threads like this help.

@sunshineandsnow this book was a good starting point for me:

www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=asap_bc?tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

@Springwalk that’s such good advice. In a way, I was lucky in that my mum became so abusive (and frankly, batshit) that I was forced to go NC to protect myself and my immediate family. It was horrible but in a way she made my choice easy.

Until then I was firmly under a cloud of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) but starting to understand emotional abuse. At that time I went LC/grey rock which, as you say, might work better for the OP just at the moment.

Well it's all gone very quiet. I blocked her after she left on Thursday and unblocked her this morning. All quiet.

Why would you unblock her? Leave her blocked and enjoy the peace. You are also playing games if you block/unblock, ignore her/let her back into your life. Make a firm stance and stick to it. Did you enjoy the couple of days of quiet? If so think of the peace you can have forever more if you just stay the hell away from her and don't give her the direct opportunity to text/speak to you.

Leave her blocked.
Or your blood pressure and stress levels will escalate again.
You know she ain't worth it op.
*been nc with dm for 7 years. And besides a blip, ten years before that too.

Because I fee like the nasty one doing the blocking. I don't intend to reply and she doesn't know either way. I suppose I'd also like to be contacted should anything major happen.

Sunshine, it's not about you not replying. That's not what blocking texts and emails is about - it's about how these texts leave you feeling. You don't need the negativity in your life.

It's called self preservation and you need to do it to take care of yourself and your mental health.
You are entitled to put yourself first op.

All for the sake of keeping an image of being nice you are willing to go through this?
Seriously you keep going back for more and more yet you complain. Go no contact because they clearly dont care about you.

Well done sunshine, has she been in touch since? Have you ever blocked her like that before?

Never blocked her before. I didn't tell her I was doing it, I just did I because I didn't want to enter into more stupid conversation about keys. She's not messaged since I unblocked.

Well done sunshine probably have her a bit of a shock 💐

Each thread you write is about the same thing Op. They are not going to change and you need to come to terms with that. Everyone is telling you the same thing. Go no-contact/very low contact. Or continue to put up with the abusive behaviour. Your choice.