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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some people really dont understand fears?

99 replies

Hamsterdancer · 02/04/2019 22:23

I am really fed up of people acting like people with fears are just being irrational and can just get over it like it's easy. When the whole point of fears is that they aren't rational.

I am particularly fed up about this today as at work today I told them that an part of an activity that we are doing this week is something I'm terrified of and they just acted like I was being silly and got told "dont be silly you will be fine once it comes to it". It is very rare I ever say I wont do something. In fact I never say I can't so it's not like I'm one ot those people who refuses to do things. I'm dreading the activity and they just wont listen.

Does anyone else find this?

OP posts:

Baxdream · 03/04/2019 09:27

That's really unfair that you'd have to go on rides as part of your work. They can't make you and it's not your fault.

Mine is insecure edges 😱 it's irrational and doesn't necessarily mean heights as I'm fine on a ski lift or up the Empire State Building but standing over the yellow line at the train station 🥴

Deadringer · 03/04/2019 09:37

Baxdream i hate edges too, i won't go near the edge of a train track or pier or anything like that and I get very anxious if any of my DC do. Balconies give me the heebie jeebies too. I also have a fear of ceilings falling down, sometimes I lie awake worried that my DC's bed (on the floor above) will fall through the ceiling on top of me. It's ridiculous and I am normally a very sensible level headed person. Op you must absolutely refuse to do it, if you were afraid of water/couldn't swim they wouldn't make you go in. It won't be much fun for the other person anyway if you are terrified.

gluteustothemaximus · 03/04/2019 12:25

gluteustothemaximus, your parents were despicable to do that to you. I tried to imagine treating my ds that way and laughing at his terror and I just don't - can't - get it. How can parents be so cruel? It doesn't matter what the fear is of, surely every parent would respond to their dc's fears with sympathy and respect, even if you don't understand the reaction?

Yes, I agree. But there's lots they didn't understand.

With my kids, I queued up for over an hour with DS1 to get on a ride, we get to the front, he changes his mind, decides he's worried about it, we leave the queue. Now if that had been me, I'd have been made to go on because 'we've been here for an hour!' and ' you SAID you wanted to go on'.

A school mum friend we were with, forced their quiet/shy little boy on a ride he didn't want to go on, and poor thing sobbed and screamed all the way. Then got told how silly he was. He was a boy and boys liked rides/shouldn't cry about it. I was livid. After that, any rides they went on, I kept him with me.

Some people lack empathy. I've learnt these are the type of people to steer well clear of.

Lllot5 · 03/04/2019 13:17

My sister in law has the button phobia too I’ve never heard of any one else that has it. She can’t even say the word.
Don’t think I have any, there’s plenty of things I don’t like and won’t do rides being one of them but not sure I’d call it a phobia.
Just have to put your foot down and refuse to do it.

NitrousOxide · 03/04/2019 13:49

@bloodywhitecat Thank you! I’ll pass it on.

LadyRannaldini · 03/04/2019 15:09

I used to be so scared of snakes that if one was on TV we changed channels quickly but as I knew it was still there it didn't help me much. In my first teaching job one of my lessons was in the biology lab, the lab tech came in one day and said Don't let me disturb you, I'm just looking for a couple of little snakes that have got out!
In another school much later there was a huge tank on my corridor with a young python, Monty, obviously, and I forced myself to look at it and after that I'm not as bad.

LadyRannaldini · 03/04/2019 15:18

My OH isn't keen on theme park rides, he's getting a bit better but I still couldn't get him onto the Rip Ride Rocket, great really, I can use the single rider lanes! When I was still working and we had the annual outing to Alton Towers the children couldn't believe that that someone of mygreat age, in my 50s then, would go on the big rides.

Fadingawayagain · 03/04/2019 15:44

I’m the same with bees and wasps. It’s a real heart pounding moment if I see or hear one, I’m always on the look out and can spot one miles away and then I’m off! I always plan an ‘escape’ just in case. The warmer weather is a complete nightmare for me I can never relax it’s actually a lot of hard work 😓 if I hear a buzz or hum I’m on edge. Actually writing it down it’s ruining my life! And all I get told is ‘stand still they won’t hurt you’ 🙄 I have never actually been stung either so it isn’t so much the stinging. The buzzing sets me off! So I understand how you feel just like many of us do and having those panic attack’s are horrible. Tell them catergorically you are not doing it. Really annoys me when people think it’s so easy to get over it because they aren’t scared of it.

Original poster

Hamsterdancer · 03/04/2019 20:24

Thank you everyone it was today and I put my foot down and they finally listened. I think the look of absolute terror just standing near a ride probably helped it sink in.

I kind of knew where it started I was always very uneasy around rides and wouldn't go on many as much as my parents pushed.
One day when I was about 8 they told me I was going on a nice little boat ride I happily got on to find out it was a massive log flume. They thought it was hilarious but I think it sent me from being a bit nervous into absolutely terrified if them.

OP posts:

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 21:01

they told me I was going on a nice little boat ride I happily got on to find out it was a massive log flume

This is a very misguided and unfortunate breach of trust

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 21:01

Glad to hear they listened OP

Wolfiefan · 03/04/2019 21:21

That’s awful. No wonder you were scared by that.
I’m so glad you were listened to today. That’s great OP.

Laiste · 03/04/2019 21:21

Can anyone here who is afraid of buttons try to articulate what it is about them which sets the fear off please? I'm not at all mocking - i'm fascinated.

I have mild Trypophobia, and the more common spider hate, plus i'm funny about teeth, nails and feet. And mud.

Teachtolive · 03/04/2019 21:21

I think a lot of the reason that people don't understand phobia is because people don't call it phobia- they call it fear. Fear has a purpose, on an instinctive level its design to protect you from harm. People fear heights because theres a risk of falling.

Phobia is irrational fear and usually representative of something much more beyond the object of the phobia. I was told by a psychologist that the likely reason I have arachnophobia is to do with the fact that I think their movement is predatory and I was a victim of some inappropriate predatory behaviour as a child.

Don't tell people you have a fear of something, tell them its phobia. Explain that you feel like you're dying when it occurs. Should help.

squeekums · 03/04/2019 23:33

Just a fear yes you are being silly. A phobia? No you aren’t being silly but you need to sort it out sonit doesn’t impact on yours or others lives

Cool, will do, can I borrow some cash to afford "sorting it out"
Thankfully it's only my life impacted and luckily I'm generally pretty healthy, DP takes DD for vaccinations.
Your use of "sort it out" implies you think it's a quick simple fix. It's far from, it's a long expensive process as phobias need more than stock standard counselors, I can't afford that at $200 plus per session. Then add in a rural location and even less avenues for help

Glad the finally took you seriously OP

Worried2019 · 04/04/2019 00:11

How on Earth do you manage to go clothes shopping or even walk through a supermarket if you have a phobia of buttons? What is somebody comes to say hello and is wearing a shirt?? Genuine questions btw

Worried2019 · 04/04/2019 00:14

@NitrousOxide I had a vomit phobia and then I got pregnant and suffered from Hyperemesis! Vomited 30+ times per day. That cured it.... There was no place for fear when it was happening so often. I became numb to it. Also we both nearly died so my attention shifted somewhat. Staying alive became my focus

gamerchick · 04/04/2019 00:23

OP I have exactly same issue as you. I also help staff big trips to theme parks etc. I don't go on the rides, I hold coats and bags.. take photos. I might get a bit of ribbing but nothing nasty. Even when confronted with a kid who really wants me to go on with them I won't.

Stick to your guns.

TheDarkPassenger · 04/04/2019 00:38

I have a phobia? Fear? Of the ocean. Even watching moana makes me feel sick when she jumps in the sea I shake and cry at the thought of being on a boat and sometimes even lakes make me feel funny.

A comment I get often:
“You should go on a cruise- you can’t even tell you’re on the sea”

I would actually die on a cruise, I can think of absolutely nothing worse

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/04/2019 01:11

A phobia of edges? ... That's more likely to be a fear... It's quite rational not to want to stand over the yellow line in a tube station as it IS dangerous.

With phobias the crucial factor is how much it impacts your life... I'm not keen on snakes.. Especially poisonous ones... I'm fine in UK... It could rapidly become disabling if I lived in Oz.

Anyone in UK wanting help with phobias IAPT (through your GP) are usually good with this sort of difficulty.

squeekums · 05/04/2019 02:34

@IamtheDevilsAvocado
I live in Aus, I say this with great care, don't ever come here. The snakes come inside.
Few weeks back we heard a noise in our kitchen, thought nothing of it, heard it again, turns out to be a meter long brown snake. All I will say is dp 1 v snake 0
I'm still checking and freaking over random noises. We actually think it was inside for a couple weeks as our cat went weird about the kitchen and wouldn't go in certain parts of it for about 3 weeks before we found it
Simply horrifying

sobeyondthehills · 05/04/2019 03:00

Mine is bees, but to be fair a buzz will freeze me, but my fear is rational, as in, I know where it comes from.

It still pisses me off when someone says stay still, they are moire scared of you, oh and they will only sting you once cause then they will die, that does not help me in the slighest

memaymamo · 05/04/2019 03:23

@squeekums That's an exaggeration. You might have had a snake in the house but for people living in urban and suburban areas this is very rare. I lived 23 years in Australia and never saw a snake except once or twice when bushwalking.

Can anyone here who is afraid of buttons try to articulate what it is about them which sets the fear off please? I'm not at all mocking - i'm fascinated.

I have looked into this before out of curiosity and apparently for some it's the vague idea that buttons could be loose and inhaled, like go down your throat/windpipe and choke you.

squeekums · 05/04/2019 03:59

@memaymamo depends where you are. In South Aus, even in suburbia its common. We are rural but in suburbs my BIL delivered to a woman who had one removed from laundry. Almost once a week during summer a snake inside or just a a person's door made state news.
As suburbia sprawls out, the snakes come in. Plus when we get dry dry like we have been they come closer for food and water
Don't ever think cos you in suburbs you won't get snakes, especially if your near parklands or what not. Inner city apartment, yeah you probably safe lol

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