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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people really dont understand fears?

99 replies

Hamsterdancer · 02/04/2019 22:23

I am really fed up of people acting like people with fears are just being irrational and can just get over it like it's easy. When the whole point of fears is that they aren't rational.

I am particularly fed up about this today as at work today I told them that an part of an activity that we are doing this week is something I'm terrified of and they just acted like I was being silly and got told "dont be silly you will be fine once it comes to it". It is very rare I ever say I wont do something. In fact I never say I can't so it's not like I'm one ot those people who refuses to do things. I'm dreading the activity and they just wont listen.

Does anyone else find this?

OP posts:
thenightsky · 02/04/2019 23:24

Hairynick My DS (adult) is scared of buttons too. It started when he was very small. Even before he could talk properly. He's now 27 and is a bit better, but will still never wear a buttoned shirt unless its compulsory (weddings etc).

Original poster
Hamsterdancer · 02/04/2019 23:26

I did tell them a while back about it and now I've been put with the ride loving child of the group. We are all 121 so not the easiest to swap. I think I'm going to have to tell them again and hope they actually listen. I am glad this is the only thing I'm really scared of as its easily avoided. People always think it's a fear of them being dangerous but it isn't as I know they are safe. I think its the lack of control.

OP posts:
squeekums · 02/04/2019 23:27

Completely understand. They are being assholes. I'd conveniently be sick on that day.
It's not pathetic at all. You have no control over why your fear it, but you do and they should have more compassion. Think of it like this, if you had 1 leg, would they make you run a 3 legged race just to be part of the team?

I have a needle phobia, it's so bad I didn't even have blood taken in pregnancy as it was deemed dangerous with my reaction. Think blackouts, full on rage, hyperventilating, like I'm being killed

If I had $1 for every person who has told me "just look the other way, think about something else" id be a rich bloody woman. I mean are people that stupid they think i haven't heard or tried that.

Original poster
Hamsterdancer · 02/04/2019 23:27

Buttons must be so hard to deal with.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2019 23:30

Be strong OP. You don’t like rides and will NOT go on them.

It makes zero fucking difference to ride-loving people if you’re suffering on them or standing on the sidelines, so smile, nod, and say “Nope!” With a bright smile.

Remember the most confident certain person usually wins, so be confident that you are entitled to make the decision for yourself Hmm and certain that it’s ok to say no. Set a standard for others. Group I think does not have to win - fuck that.

Try to behave as if it’s nothing - laugh at them and shame them for making a big deal of it: “Oh, won’t it be fun without me? Do you need someone to hold your hand?!”

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2019 23:31

*group think

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2019 23:32

Ps I hate rides, I get motion sickness. Maybe tell them you puke. Maybe their dull heads will understand that!

SandyY2K · 02/04/2019 23:33

Don't go. I wouldn't in your position. Unless you can go and not take part, then you shouldn't be forced or feel obligated.

WoollyMummoth · 02/04/2019 23:34

You are not been unreasonable at all and don’t let your employer deminish your feelings. How dare they tell you not to be silly. Stick to your guns and don’t let them make you feel guilty. Arseholes.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2019 23:36

"I have a fear of X, so I won't be going. I don't want to ruin the day for myself and the rest of the group"

Be assertive and don't get railroaded into it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2019 23:39

Yes if you’re strong, and express yourself with certainty, they will take your lead.

They sound like a group who are quite weak and they play follow the leader, so be the leader in this.

Don’t let the numbskulls determine your fate.

ConfCall · 02/04/2019 23:45

I know someone with a fear of buttons too. It must be quite difficult for a man who has to wear suits and shirts for work - at least women can wear buttonless garments under a suit jacket, as the woman I know does.

OP you’re really not being daft. Be assertive.

I hope you enjoy the other elements of the day.

BananaOnToast123 · 02/04/2019 23:46

Am fascinated by the button thing as ds is scared of them also.

Is there something about them that reminds us of something primal from the cave days or something?

crosser62 · 03/04/2019 00:08

I have people actually stop speaking to me because I have voiced that I have a fear of dogs.
It’s a cant breath, palms sweat, heart pounding panic welling up within when I see one. I will cross the road to avoid them.
Obviously it’s dog lovers who don’t get it.

It’s been where a dog owner has insisted on showing me pictures of their pet when I have to say actually I am unable to look at your pictures due to this anxiety. I’m sure it’s a lovely thing but I can’t look st them.
They really don’t understand or like it.
Of course, according to them, if I were to meet their animal I would be cured as it’s the softest thing ever.
No sorry, I just can’t do it.

todayiwin · 03/04/2019 00:15

I hear you OP. I am terrified of rides and wouldn't even put myself in that position.

They are quite frankly fucking wankers. As PP have said, just say no

64sNewName · 03/04/2019 00:18

I know someone with a fear of buttons too. I had no idea there were so many people with that fear! Wow

AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2019 00:32

I think there's a difference between a 'fear' and a 'phobia'. I had a massive fear of flying and I always said it was a 'phobia'. But then something happened that made me have to get on a plane, I had no choice. It made me realize that I didn't have a 'phobia' at all. I still don't like to fly, but I'll do it if I have to.

If one has a 'fear' and has tried to overcome it with counseling, therapies, meds, classes, etc and still has it, then it's a phobia and I have a lot of sympathy.

If one has a 'fear' but has never done anything to try and deal with it, then I don't have a whole lot of sympathy. I would never make fun of them, try and force them, or knowingly expose them to whatever is was, but I also wouldn't 'not do' something because they were afraid. Nor would I cater to their fear.

I have a friend who is afraid to drive more than 3 miles from his town. He's never sought treatment nor tried to overcome it. He simply says "I can't". I believe him, he does panic. I would never force him to drive more than 3 miles, but I'm also not going to be a ferry service for him nor am I going to forego activities more than 3 miles away. I'd feel differently if he had sought treatment and been unable to conquer this fear.

In your situation OP, simply tell them you won't do it.

BackforGood · 03/04/2019 00:45

Not really answering the general debate (FYI, I agree with most posters, there is a difference between a real phobia, and something that makes you 'uncomfortable'), but, in what you are being asked to do:

You go back to your line manager / whoever is ordering the trip and you state, quite clearly you will not be able to get on the rides when the time comes. Any talk of "You'll be fine" and you answer with "No, I won't, and I am letting you know, in advance that I will not be getting on any rides, so you will need to make different arrangements on that day" (presuming the child will need to be accompanied). the organiser then has the option to leave you in school and take another assistant who likes (or tolerates) rides, or, if you have some kind of medical training no-one else can do and need to be there, then they take another volunteer as an extra person, to go on the rides (almost certainly able to find from amongst other staff members' dc, and wider families if don't want to take a parent for some reason, or ask at local college for a student who wants to do this.

Sparklesocks · 03/04/2019 00:50

I agree people underestimate phobias and how they can affect people. Sometimes it’s not just a case of ‘getting over’ something as it can have a really negative effect on your day to day life.
Also if your phobia is not a ‘traditional’ one I think people are less understanding.

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 00:51

OP you have my solidarity, I am also scared of rides! I went to Alton towers/Blackpool pleasure beach many times and ended up having panic attacks or getting to the front, bursting into tears and then having to push back through a dense, grumpy queue. Horrible.

I do think that them not taking you seriously may be partly to do with your delivery of the information. You need to dispassionately communicate that this is not at all on the table.

Depending on how you’re communicating, if it’s over email or text I’d say something like this:

“As I previously mentioned I will not be able to go on any rides when we visit [place]. I understand that [child] is quite the rollercoaster enthusiast. As I will be unable to accompany [child] on any rides during the visit, we need to make alternative arrangements”

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 00:57

Nor would I cater to their fear.

From what they’ve described, it sounds a lot like the OP has had panic attacks in response to this.

Your personal judgement of whether a person has done adequate work to overcome a fear isn’t really helpful here. This isn’t something the OP interacts with regularly or would need to, so if she’s in the position of feeling like she’s going to die and seriously panicking when about to go on rides the most sensible things is not to go on rides.

It’s not reasonable of the school to assume everyone would be comfortable doing this - an adrenaline activity.

gluteustothemaximus · 03/04/2019 01:01

I queued up for nemesis at alton towers with DH early dating days, thinking I could get over my fear of rides. I didn't. Ended up full blown panic attack and passing out as I got to the front.

Started as a youngster. Parents made me go on rides, I shat myself with fear and cried, they pissed themselves laughing.

Lots of people are stupid. Lots of people are selfish. If they haven't experienced it, it doesn't exist.

Say no. Don't do it. Say you have a bad back, anything to save people piss taking your phobia.

Topseyt · 03/04/2019 01:02

I am terrified of theme park and fair ground rides too. If it is a white knuckle ride (rollercoaster etc., but others too) then I simply won't go near.

When we were younger my DH found it hard to believe and thought that if I just went on a few I would magically conquer my fear. I tried a couple of times. It made things much worse.

I began to be very, very firm with him if we went on any days out to such places. If he wanted to go on such rides then that was fine, but he would be doing it without me. I have stuck to that even while the children have been growing up. My mantra became "Nobody will be forced to go on anything that they are uncomfortable with",

DH did begin to accept that my terror of these things would not be going away and that cajoling me wouldn't work. He no longer likes white knuckle rides himself anymore.

Be assertive. Spell out that you simply cannot do this and are likely to bolt. You shouldn't be forced into this situation. Someone else will have to take the child onto the rides. You will look after children who prefer other things, or will look after the bags and the valuables.

NitrousOxide · 03/04/2019 02:11

@bloodywhitecat, how did you get rid of the vomit phobia? My friend has that and it makes their life a misery, and they shut themselves away too. CBT, NLP, hypnotherapy, EMDR, all been tried, nothing worked.

OP, I agree with the others that your work is being unfair, and manipulative. They need to make alternative arrangements.

lyralalala · 03/04/2019 02:16

I did tell them a while back about it and now I've been put with the ride loving child of the group.

How old is the child?

I only ask as when we took a group of kids to a theme park in the last holidays it actually made sense to put the non-riding adults with the ride loving, but bigger kids. The bigger kids can go on more rides on their own, whereas the little kids need an adult on most of the rides. So depending on the age/height of a child it might actually make sense for you to be with a child who loves rides and is confident to go on without a 1-2-1 adult.