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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people really dont understand fears?

99 replies

Hamsterdancer · 02/04/2019 22:23

I am really fed up of people acting like people with fears are just being irrational and can just get over it like it's easy. When the whole point of fears is that they aren't rational.

I am particularly fed up about this today as at work today I told them that an part of an activity that we are doing this week is something I'm terrified of and they just acted like I was being silly and got told "dont be silly you will be fine once it comes to it". It is very rare I ever say I wont do something. In fact I never say I can't so it's not like I'm one ot those people who refuses to do things. I'm dreading the activity and they just wont listen.

Does anyone else find this?

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 03/04/2019 02:20

@NitrousOxide CBT worked for me (second time around, I tried 10 years previously without success), I also had therapy to help me deal with why I had developed the phobia in the first place.

squeekums · 03/04/2019 06:36

Obviously it’s dog lovers who don’t get it.
Dog lover but I get it, the people you knew are idiots

If one has a 'fear' and has tried to overcome it with counseling, therapies, meds, classes, etc and still has it, then it's a phobia and I have a lot of sympathy

You know what's funny, for a needle phobia they won't even gas me to have something done, asked and denied. Asked to be restrained and denied, valium, nope.
Hypnotherapy didn't work
Then couselling or a therapist is out of my budget. I can access 12 free sessions with a general counselors but I need a phobia specialist, way outta my budget
Sometimes treatment isn't easily available

toomuchtooold · 03/04/2019 06:52

The fairground ride one seems particularly unfair that people are so u

toomuchtooold · 03/04/2019 06:55

Sorry, hit post too soon. It seems particularly unfair to be expected to "get over" or even "work on" a fear of something you don't really have to do in life, like fairground rides. Will your life be significantly more difficult if you never go on a ride? No. If it was the needle phobia that the PP mentioned, I could see the point of trying to work on it, it has consequences for your health, but even in that case it's got to be the individual's decision to try.

Saucery · 03/04/2019 07:11

They absolutely cannot make you go on the ride with a child, even if you are their 1:1. Tell your senior manager and trip organiser you will not be able to go on the ride and they need to make alternative arrangements.

Ihatehashtags · 03/04/2019 07:22

Just a fear yes you are being silly. A phobia? No you aren’t being silly but you need to sort it out sonit doesn’t impact on yours or others lives.

Original poster
Hamsterdancer · 03/04/2019 07:42

How is me having a phobia of rides really affecting anyone else's lives. It's not like I cant leave the house or anything. My children go to theme parks with other family members or i take them to places where i can buy then a wrist band and they go on on their own. It's not like I'm depriving them of anything essential.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 03/04/2019 07:47

Auntieaunt I'm the same. A friend once thought it would be hilarious to tickle my feet. Not quite so funny when I kicked him in the head. I did feel bad but it was completely his fault

Meandmetoo · 03/04/2019 07:49

I hear you op. I have a fear of flying, so bad that in the past as soon as a holiday has been booked the nightmares, tears, anxiety, constant sick feeling starts and ruins my life and I only enjoy maybe a few days ofmthe holiday itself when I remember I've got to get on the plane again. Apparently I just need to get over it. Funny though how others aren't told to just get over their fear of bees/enclosed spaces/rats/spiders etc

Elephantina · 03/04/2019 07:52

Oh I know someone with a fear of buttons, specifically loose ones! Never knew it was so common!

Mine is also of vomiting - like someone else said, you want to hide away when there is too much talk of bugs, starve yourself, can't function when in the grip of the fear. Yet if you voice it people say "yeah I hate being sick too its horrible", or "what you need is to catch a stomach bug to get over it."

Fuck the fuck off until you've spent a while in my shoes, so you know it's not just a bit unpleasant it's terrifying and affects me every day. I will never get over it.

But it's also the reason I refuse to go on or near roller coasters Grin

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 03/04/2019 08:01

I don't like rides either. Calmer ones are ok but I don't like the white knuckle ones for the reasons you mentioned. So much so that I actually skived a "treat" school trip to Thorpe Park, with parental consent! In the face of colleagues like yours, I'd be refusing to go near the place, too.

My real phobia is peacocks. I am very, very irrationally frightened of them. Can't move with fear, hyperventiate and sob if they're near. The last time I agreed to go to a place with them, it was so that I didn't have to miss out on a week long trip to France. The school had been warned but didn't take it seriously, until I had a total melt down at the sound of one up ahead and had to be escorted round by a teacher. Now, I won't go anywhere that has one- loads of country houses, zoos and parks are no goes- and i won't go into houses with feathers. I've walked out of shops with peacock feathers on display and flinch away from people wearing anything with a peacock feather pattern. I simply can't. People really don't get it until they see you face it, IME. And then they usually just find it funny. I refuse to put myself through it.

HogMother · 03/04/2019 08:48

I agree op. Flying scares me. My mate tells me every year how she feels the same “but gets on with it” has 2 holidays a year, even though she feels scared stiff. I can imagine how she feels, and I don’t think she exaggerates, but she cannot understand how it scares me so much I have avoided flying in 10 years. I should “get on with it too”. It’s a scale, no people seem not to understand people can feel worse than them.

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/04/2019 08:52

gluteustothemaximus, your parents were despicable to do that to you. I tried to imagine treating my ds that way and laughing at his terror and I just don't - can't - get it. How can parents be so cruel? It doesn't matter what the fear is of, surely every parent would respond to their dc's fears with sympathy and respect, even if you don't understand the reaction?

OP I would say that I would go on the trip but wouldn't be going on any rides whatsoever, and that it wasn't negotiable. So if they need someone to actually escort the child onto rides, they will need to organise another person to do that part. So you are being accommodating as far as you are able, but drawing the line where you have to. If you were a child with the same fear they would make adjustments for you, I don't see why they can't for an adult. If you had a medical condition that forbade it they would have to make alternative arrangement for the rides, surely this is not much different.

(If this were my child you were 1:1 with, I would rather you were keen and happy to escort him - he loves rides, the faster the better. I would feel awful for you if I knew you desperately wanted to avoid it. Some rides make me feel sick now - they didn't when I was young - so there are some I would face with dread too.)

NotSorry · 03/04/2019 08:55

I think I'm going to have to tell them again and hope they actually listen

No, don't HOPE they listen - tell them you can't do it - don't allow others to belittle your fear. I'm an NLP practitioner and any activity we do or get our clients to do has to be "challenge by choice" this is about respecting that not everyone wants or can do the activity.

When I did my initial training we were told this and then one of the group went on to take the piss out of those of us who were afraid of the activity (it was heights). He got a severe talking to from the trainer.

Your fear is real to you OP and nothing to feel silly about

HarrysOwl · 03/04/2019 09:02

I understand, OP.

I have a completely, utterly irrational phobia that I've never heard anyone else having, and it has affected my life. I don't tell anybody because when I used to, they'd actually try to expose me to it immediately.

It can affect my sleep, and definitely results from childhood trauma. I've tried treatment to no avail! I have to avoid a range of things (like certain shows, films, places, experiences) to keep it in check.

Phobias are bloody awful.

LucyAutumn · 03/04/2019 09:03

I feel angry for you OP. You be told them about your issue and they've not only not listened but you've been paired up with the biggest ride lover of the group. Please please talk to them again, put your foot down, let them know how you react when facing your fear and that it's involuntaary and something you can't help and by forcing you into this (having been warned) it is THEM that will ruin things for both you AND the children.

HarrysOwl · 03/04/2019 09:04

*surely every parent would respond to their dc's fears with sympathy and respect"

A good parent would, yes. Sadly not every parent.

Topseyt · 03/04/2019 09:10

OP, ignore that foolish post suggesting you are affecting other people's lives. What a ridiculous suggestion!

My approach with my kids was much the same as yours. They could go on white knuckle rides on their own once big enough. I would wait by the exit for when they emerged. Same as I did for DH once he had finally grasped that I wasn't going to go on them however hard he wheedled.

I think your problem here is that you have dismissive colleagues and have been cast as the 1 to 1 supervisor for a ride-loving child, who is presumably unable to go on them unaccompanied?

Insist to your colleagues that this arrangement simply will not work. Say that you don't intend to be dismissed on this and that your issues have to be taken seriously otherwise this child will have to miss out. You won't be able to manage the rides and you refuse to let them force you because it is making you ill.

Ask to be the support staff for a different child, or take turns supervising other children while someone else takes your charge on the rides.

Be assertive. Insist. I once had a school PE teacher who always said that there was no such word as can't. Even when wanting us to climb a sheer rock face, which I said I couldn't do. She made me do it. I fell down it and was very lucky not to be seriously injured. Oddly enough, she took me more seriously after that and I wasn't forced again.

BertieBotts · 03/04/2019 09:11

Rides are hardly essential to life, it is quite easy to avoid them, so I don't think you are wrong not to "deal with it".

If you were pregnant you wouldn't be allowed on rides anyway. If you're a woman of childbearing age they should have factored this into their planning.

If they really won't listen I would tell a white lie and say they make you violently sick.

I don't like rides, I don't get any pleasure from going on them. Not for me. Luckily DS1 hates them as much as I do :o

ApolloandDaphne · 03/04/2019 09:13

You have to be very clear that you are not being difficult but that you absolutely cannot get on the rides with the child. Outline how awful it will be for that child and ask that you be swapped with a child who won't be going on rides either or ask that you be given other duties on the day.

HarrysOwl · 03/04/2019 09:14

Another thought, OP, I can't go on rides because I have low blood pressure and would pass out. Even on small rides it can be dangerous for me!

Could you....suddenly develop low blood pressure? Or I agree with PP if you say it makes you vomit, they may be more sympathetic. They may take you more seriously?

It's so frustrating when phobias aren't understood, it's not a case of 'getting on with it'.

Ellabella989 · 03/04/2019 09:18

I have an extreme phobia of spiders and will have a full blown panic attack if there’s a big black one in the house. I know it’s completely OTT but I can’t control my reaction and have even sought therapy for it which didn’t work.
My partner used to find it hilarious to pretend that there’s a spider in the room. We have had some huge arguments about it in the past as it was giving me terrible anxiety. Luckily he stopped or I would have left him as he was making my phobia a million times worse

Cushellekoala · 03/04/2019 09:22

I have a fear of spiders. If i see a big one i freeze then i feel my heart rare go up and i start breathing more quickly and i cant be in the same room. I feel really embarrassed that i have had to ask neighbours to come in and deal with them.
No matter how many times someone tells me the spider is more scared than me/it can't hurt me/just put a pot over it etc i know this stuff i just can't do it!!

NeverSayFreelance · 03/04/2019 09:24

Tell them you get motion sick. I can't go on theme park rides at all due to extreme motion sickness. I get ill going over speed bumps Blush They can't force you to do something if they think you'll throw up.

But there's nothing wrong with not facing your fears if it's not an everyday thing. If you don't like theme parks then don't go to theme parks. It's not affecting anybody.

Halloumimuffin · 03/04/2019 09:24

I have a phobia that is supposedly very common, but I get relentlessly mocked for it. Friends who are the first to jump on the sofa if they see a spider will roll their eyes for what is practically a reflex for me. Because it is only really an issue if I'm outside, I therefore don't like for example, sitting in outdoor cafes, and they act like I'm a massive inconvenience and ruining their day. It absolutely makes my blood boil, people lack so much empathy.

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