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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU overnight visits for DC at DPs

60 replies

HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 14:57

Ok please be gentle with me here, I’m already feeling pretty shitty with enormous amounts of mum guilt

I’m currently on mat leave with DS, we have an older DD who’s 3.5. DD used to spend a lot of time with my DM as she was our childcare for 2.5 days a week. I always knew there might be issues getting DD back into the childcare routine of staying at my DPs overnight during the week once I’m back at work, so to combat this we kept up the midweek sleepovers and it all seemed great, DD loved having time with her DGPs. And it also meant I had a whole 24hrs to clean the house and do all the errands I can’t get to with 2 children in tow.

In January when DS was 4mths my DPs started to take him overnight too so he could also get into the routine by the time I returned to work. So as not to drip feed I did a KIT day in Jan and DD had an accident that led to her going to A&E and me having to rush back from London. Everything seemed fine afterwards and there was no reluctance to go back to GPs.

I did another KIT day in March, and since then DD has been very reluctant to go to my mum on a Tuesday. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to go, full on tantrums and screaming in the car. I am at a loss as to what to do, it’s not fair on my DM to have to deal with a screaming child but also I feel like the worst mum in the world! I’m certain this is all down to extremely intelligent DD clocking that I’ll be back at work full time soon but I can’t say for certain as she’ll come up with every excuse under the sun as to why she doesn’t want to go...including my DPs stairs not winding like ours do! I’ve got more KIT days set up in the coming months, and I’m back at work full time in July.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do?
Is this normal when on mat leave with baby number 2?
Should I keep up the overnights and not cave to the strong will of DD?
If I cave will it just make things 100 times worse when she HAS to stay at my folks for my KIT days/when I return to work?
Am I irreparably damaging my DD here?

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 15:00

Sorry really don’t want to drip feed but I’m also going on a hen party in May from Sunday to Wednesday, as well as DH and I both going to NY for his birthday for a week in December and I’m now feeling massively crappy about both of those trips. I’ve never had mum guilt for leaving before, going back to work/nights out/weekends away etc so I’ve not idea where this has all come from

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Shakeitoutnow · 02/04/2019 15:03

Maybe she is worried she'll get unwell again or may be going through a stage of increased seperation anxiety.
Could you go and stay with her for a couple of weeks to reassure her then go but don't stay the full time...e.g. slowly settle her back in then withdraw again?

Sculpin · 02/04/2019 15:06

When you're back at work will she have to do overnights there - is that the only feasible childcare solution? Or would it be possible for your parents to provide childcare in the day but not overnight? (You don't mention how far away your parents live from you.)

To me, there's a big difference between standing firm on a reluctant child who doesn't want to go to childcare, and the overnight element of this. I would have no problem with the former but would feel awful about the latter.

jameswong · 02/04/2019 15:07

Wow. Don't really know what to suggest. Tough situation. I'm honestly not trying to flame your guilt further, don't believe guilt is a useful emotion, but I can understand why you might be feeling that way. Frankly, it's a lot of time away from your kids (and yes I'd say the same for the father too).

In saying all of that, if you're mother can handle the tantrum I'd say your DD will get used to the routine again after a couple of more visits.

Sculpin · 02/04/2019 15:07

Don't feel guilty about your planned nights away. A special treat away is different from regular childcare.

Does she scream when she is at your parents' house or just on the way there?

bridgetreilly · 02/04/2019 15:10

Keep it up and don't give in. It really won't harm her. But I would ask your parents just to check in with you more often while she's there, in case there is a more serious problem. If she's happy once she's been left, it's fine. If not, then you may need to rethink a bit.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 02/04/2019 15:10

I think it's not unusual. With a new sibling it's natural she'll be worried about getting as much time with you as possible. Can you give her as much 1-1 time with you as possible? I agree with PP that overnights can be tough on kids so if it can be avoided it might be worth looking into?

Original poster
HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 15:13

My parents are only down the road from me, but I have to leave the house at 6am, so to ask my mum to get to me at 5:45 two days in a row and then have the kids till I’m home at 7 is a bit of an ask.

I could go over tonight to put them to bed and I could stop too which might help, the only issue there is that I’m at work next week so I won’t be able to. We’ve already reduced the amount of time over there from 10 in the morning to 2 in the afternoon, so realistically it’s only a few hours till bed time and then they’re back here for me to take DD to gymnastics at 12 the next day.

I’m completely torn because the way she acts leaving breaks my heart, but as soon as she’s there she has a ball and my mum sends me loads of pictures and videos of her looking so happy and enjoying herself. It’s a bit like bathtime where she kicks up a massive fuss beforehand and then refuses to get out once she’s actually in.

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Original poster
HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 15:16

She’s been doing weekly overnights since she was about 18mths if I recall correctly so it’s nothing new iyswim.

We had a mummy daughter day on Saturday just the two of us so we could have some quality time as I did wonder if that was an issue. I might also ask my mum if she would watch DS after DDs gymnastics and then maybe we could spend time just the two of us after being at DMs tonight

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ParadiseLaundry · 02/04/2019 15:20

Apologies if I've misunderstood but did dd have the accident where she ended up in a and e when she was with your parents?

EstrellaDamn · 02/04/2019 15:21

But sometimes kids just have to do stuff. This is one of those things. Just keep going. I'm sure she doesn't tantrum and scream all day long. Once she realises it's a done deal it will pass.

Cocobean30 · 02/04/2019 15:24

Is her reluctance linked to the accident? Did it happen at DP’s x

Original poster
HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 15:25

Yes, she knocked over the jug that was warming DS bottle and injured her foot. Total error on my mum’s part and also DD who has been warned many times not to knock it over, she’s usually really good and always listens to instructions but she’s had a growth spurt lately and she’s all bambi legs (she gets that from me).
DM was great and did everything right so the injury was a lot more minor than it could’ve been

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Original poster
HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 15:26

I don’t think it’s linked as it happened mid Jan and this has only been ongoing for the last 3 Tuesdays, after I did my last KIT day in March

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Original poster
HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 15:27

Love the name btw EstrellaDamn

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Original poster
HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 15:32

I think sometimes maybe I haven’t helped because I give her options on things, she is only 3.5 but the way she conducts herself she seems a lot more grown up than she is, she understands a lot more than normal kids her age so maybe I’ve let that cloud my parenting. Perhaps I should be a bit more old school and say this is what’s happening deal with it.
I don’t think it helped that I completely lost it this morning when I realised she’d coloured my carpet with blusher, she’s never even coloured on the walls so I’ve no idea what she was thinking

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Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 02/04/2019 16:00

It might just be me OP but then I am a push over with my DD but if mine didnt want to go and was upset to that degree I think I couldnt leave her..partly for my own reasons though as I couldnt stand mine to be upset and i would be fretting all the time with mum guilt but I know she would be looked after and worshiped at Grannies and would be happy as larry to be there after 5 mins!!! I cant offer any advice at all but I hope its just a temporary blip for you its so hard as to know what to do for the best.Sorry you are going through this

AnemoneAnenome · 02/04/2019 16:09

Not sure if I am following. Why all the mention of KIT days if she is going every week anyway? Or is she going for regular Tuesdays plus KIT days, or staying with you on non-KIT days?

Original poster
HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 16:25

I’ve arranged my KIT days to fall on a Wednesday, so instead of coming home at midday on those Wednesdays the DC are at my mum’s till either me or DH get home (usually between 6 and 7pm). To keep the cost of commuting into the city lower I go and stay with my brother in central London on the Tuesday night and travel from there instead of having to do my usual 5am start to get an early morning train.

I’ve mentioned the KIT days because on those weeks she has to stay at my mum’s on Tuesday nights without question, unlike non KIT day weeks when there’s the option of not going iyswim.

Worth noting on the weeks I do a KIT day the DC go to my mum’s at 4/5pm rather than 2pm on a non KIT day week

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EastEndQueen · 02/04/2019 16:32

If she has a ball once there and settles quickly, I would keep going with it and the reluctance will still stop. My DS has had full on meltdowns about many things over the last year (swimming lessons, his regular babysitter) and we preserved and he enjoyed them again soon enough. Don’t feel guilty either about leaving her for work or the odd weekend away, you need time for you too to be a good mum. Sympathy Wine though, it’s tough whilst they are in one of those moods!

EastEndQueen · 02/04/2019 16:33

*soon stop

AnemoneAnenome · 02/04/2019 16:40

Honestly I would pick a system and stick to it every week. All the messing round might
be confusing for her. Avoid saying anything like "don't worry, I get to see more of you next week" that might subtley fuel an idea that granny time is bad. Keep it consistent, clear and positive, always say you're happy to see her again rather than you missed her, all that jazz, but ultimately this does need to happen one way or the other.

Easier said than done, I know, but I would prioritise consistency over all. Either cancel the KIT days - most people using nursery or CMs can take none or a minimal number anyway - or make the non-KIT weeks look the same as that KIT ones from your DDs point of view. Then follow through. Personally I would probably sack off the KIT days. They are not working for your daughter, and during mat leave is not the time to power through her upset.

Quartz2208 · 02/04/2019 16:48

DD was awful absolutely awful when I returned to work the second time - far worse than the first time (and she was pretty back then). My poor Dad is still traumatised by it.

If she is fine when there I think you just have to continue

KirrinIsland5 · 02/04/2019 16:53

Stick to the system, dump her and run. She’s safe, we’ll looked after and obviously happy once you have left. I’ve looked after my god daughter once a week since she was six months old. She’s theee now and the minute she sees me starts crying and kicking off that she doesn’t want to go with me. By the time we are off the driveway of her house, she’s stopped crying and is fine and happy. My daughter used to do this every day as I left her for nursery.

Some kids do it, to look for a reaction or just to play up. Just tell yourself it’s a phase and concentrate on the happy messages etc that you get xxx

Original poster
HurtyAtThirty · 02/04/2019 17:09

It is pretty consistent, other than the longer time on a Wednesday, she stays over each Tuesday regardless. The KIT days are a lifesaver in terms of money, one day a month is an extra £200 in my pocket (so almost 50% of what I would get just as SMP, which in itself is bloody ridiculous) so it means we don’t have the extra worry of money and we can save towards the extra nursery fees coming in July.

Quartz I know what you mean, me working was never an issue before. She accepted she only really saw me on days I wfh and pick/drop of to nursery and on weekends. All this extra time being on mat leave has become the new norm and she’s used to me being around constantly. Funny thing is there’s barely any reaction when she’s taken to nursery 2.5 days a week! I think my mum is going to be traumatised well into her old age at this rate. DS doesn’t bat an eyelid going off to my DMs either and he’s a real munmy’s Boy!

Kirrin you have no idea how normal that makes this all feel, and somewhat of a relief! I definitely think she’s playing on my emotions, she’s a bloody smart cookie and sometimes I think she knows exactly what she’s doing.

I’m taking her to the cinema after gymnastics tomorrow as my DM has agreed to have DS a little longer, hopefully I’m not playing into her hands here Confused

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