AIBU overnight visits for DC at DPs

[HurtyAtThirty]

Ok please be gentle with me here, I’m already feeling pretty shitty with enormous amounts of mum guilt

I’m currently on mat leave with DS, we have an older DD who’s 3.5. DD used to spend a lot of time with my DM as she was our childcare for 2.5 days a week. I always knew there might be issues getting DD back into the childcare routine of staying at my DPs overnight during the week once I’m back at work, so to combat this we kept up the midweek sleepovers and it all seemed great, DD loved having time with her DGPs. And it also meant I had a whole 24hrs to clean the house and do all the errands I can’t get to with 2 children in tow.

In January when DS was 4mths my DPs started to take him overnight too so he could also get into the routine by the time I returned to work. So as not to drip feed I did a KIT day in Jan and DD had an accident that led to her going to A&E and me having to rush back from London. Everything seemed fine afterwards and there was no reluctance to go back to GPs.

I did another KIT day in March, and since then DD has been very reluctant to go to my mum on a Tuesday. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to go, full on tantrums and screaming in the car. I am at a loss as to what to do, it’s not fair on my DM to have to deal with a screaming child but also I feel like the worst mum in the world! I’m certain this is all down to extremely intelligent DD clocking that I’ll be back at work full time soon but I can’t say for certain as she’ll come up with every excuse under the sun as to why she doesn’t want to go...including my DPs stairs not winding like ours do! I’ve got more KIT days set up in the coming months, and I’m back at work full time in July.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do?
Is this normal when on mat leave with baby number 2?
Should I keep up the overnights and not cave to the strong will of DD?
If I cave will it just make things 100 times worse when she HAS to stay at my folks for my KIT days/when I return to work?
Am I irreparably damaging my DD here?

TIA

I am being completely dense here but I still don't understand how the sleepovers work.

Does your DM have the child (ren) for the entirety of the time you work? So 2 or 3 sleepovers?

I do know @Friedspamfritters but thanks for your input.

No there’s just one sleepover a week, when I was in work full time (and when I go back) on Tuesdays DM came over early and then had the kids till we got home from work on the Wednesday. The other weekdays DD was in nursery and one of us wfh to do drop off/pickup.

Currently on mat leave there’s still only 1 sleepover on a Tuesday to maintain routine.

As a cm and mum of dc who cried everyday I left him at nursery . It sounds like it is not about where she is going but the fact she isn’t with you . Keep the positivity up. Try and relax yourself knowing she will be fine.

She will pick up on your anxiety too

Then, OP, don't post on AIBU if you just want validation for something you have already made your mind up about. Please don't name call me. It is against the MN guidelines.
I always worked ( I am old now!), part time when my children were young then full time. We look after our grandchild one day a week and usually have him overnight so they can go out. The difference is, my grandchild always wants to come and his parents would not leave him if he he didn't want to stay. They changed his nursery when the child started to not want to go there. They are much happier at the new nursery.
I still work part time and do childcare and belong to various clubs and activities. My husband and I try to fit in holidays around everything else. We have a life.
I am a teacher and I have always been taught to listen to children and to try and understand things from their point of view. I try hard to make sure how ever little children are they are allowed to have a voice and to really listen to their worries and concerns.
Perhaps you should post on Chat next time, not AIBU if you just want validation to do whatever you want.

You have to work, overnight at gran's was enjoyable and will be again. It's a phase. Your mum will cope and I am sure she will settle within 5 minutes of you leaving.

If she says "I dont want to go" say "mummy has to work and you have a lovely time with gran" dont question her too much as there isn't a proper reason you can resolve she has enjoyed her time with you in mat leave but the old way will become the new normal again soon. It's hard but trying not to feel guilty about it is all you can do. (If you figure out how to not feel guilty let me know!)

@mrsmuddlepies good for you, but in many families a 3 year old does not decide the childcare/work arrangements. No need to make this mum returning to work feel worse.

Also if your dg really didnt want to stay would the family move to a smaller house/worse area to afford to stop work?? Somehow I doubt anyone would do this because a child didnt want to stay at grans. Your ds or dd would leave them. And in 5 mins they would be fine.

mrsmuddlepies she did not call you any names.

I don’t believe I called you a name that would break mumsnet guidelines, I’m assuming you’re referring to being called a judgypants...which tbh I feel you’re doing without any justification. But if you really feel I’ve broken rules please go ahead and report my post.

I posted here because I genuinely didn’t know if I was being unreasonable sticking to my guns, every AIBU post is looking for validation or you’d only have people on here posting things that they knew they were being unreasonable about surely? I came here looking for advice, people have given a majority response of keep soldiering on with lots of tips for how I can tweak things. I haven’t just gone “ah stuff the lot of you, what do you know!”

My DD once told us she hated her room as it was haunted and had monsters, should we have packed up and moved because she said she wanted a new house?

Thank you starlight coming from a cm that makes me feel a bit more at ease. TBH I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, she has said she’d have a sleepover if I was having a sleepover with her so I think it’s probably just a separation from me issue (which is a novelty seeing as I don’t usually get a look in if my dad, DB or DH are in the room)