AIBU overnight visits for DC at DPs

[HurtyAtThirty]

Ok please be gentle with me here, I’m already feeling pretty shitty with enormous amounts of mum guilt

I’m currently on mat leave with DS, we have an older DD who’s 3.5. DD used to spend a lot of time with my DM as she was our childcare for 2.5 days a week. I always knew there might be issues getting DD back into the childcare routine of staying at my DPs overnight during the week once I’m back at work, so to combat this we kept up the midweek sleepovers and it all seemed great, DD loved having time with her DGPs. And it also meant I had a whole 24hrs to clean the house and do all the errands I can’t get to with 2 children in tow.

In January when DS was 4mths my DPs started to take him overnight too so he could also get into the routine by the time I returned to work. So as not to drip feed I did a KIT day in Jan and DD had an accident that led to her going to A&E and me having to rush back from London. Everything seemed fine afterwards and there was no reluctance to go back to GPs.

I did another KIT day in March, and since then DD has been very reluctant to go to my mum on a Tuesday. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to go, full on tantrums and screaming in the car. I am at a loss as to what to do, it’s not fair on my DM to have to deal with a screaming child but also I feel like the worst mum in the world! I’m certain this is all down to extremely intelligent DD clocking that I’ll be back at work full time soon but I can’t say for certain as she’ll come up with every excuse under the sun as to why she doesn’t want to go...including my DPs stairs not winding like ours do! I’ve got more KIT days set up in the coming months, and I’m back at work full time in July.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do?
Is this normal when on mat leave with baby number 2?
Should I keep up the overnights and not cave to the strong will of DD?
If I cave will it just make things 100 times worse when she HAS to stay at my folks for my KIT days/when I return to work?
Am I irreparably damaging my DD here?

TIA

DS has never had a problem with it either doesnt bat an eyelid about me working.

Its fine when she is at school but she still gets slightly sulky about me going even now (at 10) but I have noticed it me that gets the pushback now and no one else

Weird isn’t it. DD is such a daddy’s girl this sort of cake out of left field so I’ve never had to deal with her being so clingy with me, DH is trying to guide me through it as she’s done this a few times he’s had to leave for work before (especially after his paternity leave).

We had to talk her through him being at work the next day when we were putting her to bed, but it was so much easier when I wasn’t the object of the affection!

Don't feel guilty. She'll be fine, she really will. Children have been looked after by their grandparents whilst their parents worked/did important stuff since the beginning of time.

Give her options, but not about things that are fixed. So what would you like to do when you get back from grans.
Only focus on the positives. Ask dam what they'll be doing so you can talk about that and set her up for success.
Give her something of yours to look after til you get home (scarf etc)

Gosh at this rate your going to have to move your parents into yours and be their full time carers in their late years as thanks and appreciation. What awesome grandparents!

They are very awesome, I’m very lucky that my DPs support me being career driven and are willing to help us with childcare to cut costs. Luckily my eldest starts full time preschool in September so there’ll be less to do. I do regularly check in with them to make sure they’re still happy to help and don’t feel put upon and they always assure me they don’t. Mine are the only DGC they have, my DB is a lot younger than me and not child oriented so if he does have children it’s likely my DP will be very old and less able to enjoy them.

I’m not sure why that would mean I have to be their full time carer when they’re older though? They’re my parents so of course I’d look after them, whether they helped with childcare or not, so whilst I’m sure you weren’t having a dig I don’t really get where you’re coming from

It sounds like you are lovely parents trying very hard to do the right things. But explaining things gently and giving her choices...

With kindness - she's 3. She may seem more grown up but she's 3. Let her be little, and you be the ones in charge.

Choice is 'red or pink socks' not 'where do you want to go when Mummy is at work, do you not want to go to Granny's' etc etc.

Let her know what's going to happen, then stick with it. You're not sending her down the mines!

as soon as she’s there she has a ball and my mum sends me loads of pictures and videos of her looking so happy and enjoying herself.

So do nt worry about it.
Stay calm and ignore

That made me laugh Estrella, I think I’d have more luck if I was sending her down the mines haha!

I’m definitely going to stop trying to reason with her and start telling her this is what’s happening. DH agrees with you, I think because we were the first of our group to have kids she gets treated like a mini adult by all our friends and we sometimes forget her age. At Christmas my MIL was shocked when she got up and served her own plate from the hostess trolley and cut up her own food, the joys of an independent child, when the other older children in my DH family do nothing like that. She’s a bit of an anomaly to my ILs, and I think I’ve probably been grated a bit by their attitudes to working mums (or at least their attitude towards me and the amount of time I spend out of the house, but that’s a whole nother thread!) that I’ve run with the independence a bit too much.

Thank you for all your kind words of advice ladies! I truly thought I was going to get flamed on here for not spending every waking moment with my ‘little darlings’, but you’ve given me the encouragement to keep strong.

Sorry for the late response too, I’ve literally just finished 3 hours of ironing after spending my child free afternoon/evening cleaning the bottom half of the house (tomorrow morning it’s the top half’s turn)

That sounds good OP. I recognise that with your first you really want them to grow up quickly, and do new things, because basically, you can't wait to see them learn and grow and develop. I was the same - and now I would like my 6 year old baby to stay a baby!

The thing is - life comes in stages. 3 is lovely. Whereas an 8/9/10 year old who thinks all the household decisions are hers to make? Not so much. (There's a thread in AIBU from a woman who was slapped by her 11 year old yesterday, for example.)

Kids just want to know where they're going, when and with who. And the thing is - they've very little real logic. So she might say no to Grannny's house, but it'll be because her best toys are in her own house, or Granny cuts up her fruit, or some other nonsense. Kids are, in a very cute way, stupid!

I’m confused why the children spend the night at your parents. Does your husband work away too?

I'd echo being consistent and sticking with the overnights. You sound very appreciative of your parents which is lovely.

Maybe don't talk to your DD about what you are going to be doing while she is at her gran's - she may be picking up that KIT days are a lot more fun than ironing/washing floors and think she is missing out? If she is trying a lot of different 'excuses' and fine as soon as you've gone it doesn't sound as if there is a real issue.

Only other thought I had was would it be possible for your DM to stay at yours overnight, although that might be too disruptive?

Very well said Estrella. Children don't have the experience to identify the big pros and cons, and weigh them. They derive security from knowing what the rules are and seeing them being kept.

3 hours' ironing though? I'd be adjusting my priorities OP!!

Blondebakingmumma my husband commutes as well so he’s out of the house at 6am just like me, hence my DM needing to be at ours at 5:45am to watch the kids.

Crabby I have offered my mum our spare room before, I suggested maybe when it was getting darker in the morning she would prefer to stay here but she wasn’t keen on the idea. My Ddad would miss out on time with the kids in the evening too, which he absolutely cherishes.

Points noted ladies, I’ve obviously been doing this parenting thing a bit wrong. Although I will point out there are rules in our house it’s not like I let them run wild, more that we have discussions about things and why we don’t do them or need to do them etc.

AnemoneAnemone Tuesdays are my ironing night, I don’t have the kids so I can just plough straight through it. I spend a few hours of quality time with my DH when he gets in from work, something we don’t get to do normally as there’s kids to bath/put to bed, extra hours at work to put in once their asleep, usual crap to do that doesn’t get done during the day or a late session at the gym to help alleviate some of my anxiety issues.

Hurty I don't think at all that you let your kids run wild, etc.

It's just - that approach to parenting, where parents earnestly try to explain to a toddler that 'we use kind hands' and all that stuff - it doesn't work for every kid. For example, it's led to my best friend's kid never sleeping a full night in their own bed, and he's 6.

I know it's lovely to treat your children with respect and so on, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to be direct. Stop doing that. Put that down. Don't hit your sister in the face with a mallet. It's time to go to Granny's house.

I'm just saying there's a balance I guess. And really, who am I to say? I'm just muddling along too.

It was actually what Anemone said about knowing what the rules are and driving security from them.

We do use a mixture of respectful parenting but we are firm when we need to be, for example the blusher all over my floor and lying about it led to a time-out and a very stern punishment. Same thing for running away in shops or back sass

Given that she enjoys it once she is there I would stick to your plan. be very matter of fact, talk about the fun bits of being at GP's and tell her when you will be back - basically the same you would do if she was doing this at the school door.

Having a new sibling is a very common time for a child to get unsettled.

It wasn't a criticism OP, more a validation that (IMO) it is ok not to let very small children drive the decision making.

A friend of mine left her children with her parents and it all sounded wonderful. The children didn't much like going but were expected to put up with it. As adults, they now admit how much they hated it. The TV was permanently on and they were often bored. She asked what her three year old had watched one day and the child said, golf, very glumly.
Do your parents take them to activities, do they go to playgroups , swimming etc?
It sounds like you are very dependent on them.

mrsmuddlepies what’s that got to do with the OP’s situation? My DC’s adore going to my mums, she has far more patience for spending hours doing crafts and role games with them than I do. The OP has said that she enjoys it when she’s there.

Her daughter doesn't want to go to her grandparents. There has to be a reason. Children love to spend time with GPs but regular overnights and days is a lot. GPs can be tired and not as energetic about providing access to other children and fun activities. There has to be a reason. If it was nursery some posters might be more sympathetic to the child's distress. She doesn't want to spend so much time there. The OP has admitted this. Of course the OP can and probably will power on through but I wonder how much the children really like it.

For example, it's led to my best friend's kid never sleeping a full night in their own bed, and he's 6.

Except you don't know that at all. It's easy to look on at other parents and say if only you parented like me that wouldn't happen. Sometimes it may be true - other times it's not. It's just that you have different kids. It's not unusual for a kid to not sleep in their own bed whatever your parenting.

The reason is probably that she’s unsettled by a new sibling and her mum changing her routine from full time work to being at home.

I thought it was the other way round. Her mother is going back to work. But, as you said it might be that or it might be the daughter doesn't much like going. That is why the OP raised the issue in the first place. She posted on (AIBU)

She came back this afternoon all excited about having a sleepover, I went with your ideas about positivity and didn’t say I’d missed her and how lucky she was to be able to go and have sleepovers.

I do think maybe she misses doing the activities she used to do when it was just her and DM, like cooking / baking. Since she started gymnastics in January there isn’t much time to do things on the Wednesday as she has to be back here by 12:30. There’s no gymnastics for the next couple of weeks, and as I’m at work next Wednesday, I’ve suggested to my mum I’ll pay and maybe they can all do something together. Now DM is in more of a routine with DS being there she’s going to try and go back to practicing her spelling and writing activities to see if that helps too.

Yes mrsmuddlepies you’re probably right we are dependent on them, without childcare one of us would have to give up our job. Although given that you gave no further comment after that I’m sensing it was more of a judgypants tone than anything remotely helpful. I’m from an Irish background and I think it’s quite usual in our community for GPs to help out if needed, one family friend actually moved next door to her DD to help with childcare and it is something we’ve spoken about should my parents ever want to downsize. If we were back home it wouldn’t be unusual for us to either live together/on the same farmland in separate houses, something a number of my cousins already do.