To write a letter about DDs male teacher arguing over DD using her toilet pass

[Whatwaslostandfound]

NC as I'm going to contact school and obviously don't want other posts linked.

I'm not going to go into masses of details as I'm aware Mumsnet has a weird toilet troll but DD has a toilet pass for school. She's on medication both for very heavy period flooding and bladder issues. She's on medication for both.

She's constantly having issues with one male teacher who won't let her go until he's literally argued with her on why he should let her. If she is lucky he will let her go when the other person with a toilet pass has come back. She can't wait that long and toilets are individual like disabled loos on the corridor near reception so not like they can mess about.

Today's hissy fit is because the children were late for his lesson (a special assembly over ran!) and then dd asked for the toilet half an hour later.

I understand it's annoying but she's on medication AND has a pass. She went through a stage of not drinking anything at lunch as drinking meant that she needed the loo in lesson not long afterwards .

This is not the first time and there have been issues in the past for DD.

Help!

I might also photocopy her tranexamic acid (sp?!) and Oxybutynin prescriptions

No.

They're private medical documents. Why on earth should he get to see them?

Don't bother with him. Go to the head. But do mention to the head that he doesn't reply to your emails.

He sounds like a bully.

I'd be furious. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

I hope you get somewhere with the school.

Bypass the twat and go straight to the head. Show him up for the idiot he is, not only belittling your dd but totally ignoring emails too.

'Can I recommend modibodi presuming you have access to a washing machine?'

Thank you. I've recently watched a vlog with something similar and was curious. She is very heavy though. Aren't they uncomfortable? I would assume they need to be quite tight?

I use Modibodi and they are great. If she has very heavy periods they wouldn't be enough on their own, but would add an extra layer of protection. They don't feel too bulky and look like normal knickers.

Really comfortable and really do what they promise! If you can stretch buy the little wet bag as well. Normal size works for me!

Really glad this thread has helped focus your anger. Email sounds great. Hopefully that will be enough to nip this in the bud. As pp suggested i'd go straight in for a joint meeting with teacher, senco and head if not.

Really trying with this one. She has some SN too so confidence is a huge issue.

Parenting is hard. Instilling confidence in your DCs is especially hard if you yourself don't like confrontation or find it easy to become too angry to think straight sometimes. I'm like this. My eldest DD was very shy and not confident. I remember worrying that DDs confidence would become an issue and that i would be unable to help.

However, while growing up, on a few occasions she witnessed me loose my shit deal with situations concerning her or her sisters head on, become angry but ultimately get things dealt with and she seemed to take A LOT of note of this. She was very shy and retiring all through primary but once when she was about half way through secondary school she came home one day and said she'd stood up to the school bully on the bus home on someone else's behalf. I was so surprised! And so proud! She said she was just so angry at the time about what was going on that she just went for it! After that her assertiveness just grew and grew. She's 26 now and a lovely woman but NO pushover.

I'm doing this massive ramble to basically say - don't be afraid to let your DD see you get angry and let her join you in some way dealing with this if poss. It's a good life lesson.

The protective pants can be used in conjunction with pads and/or tampons/mooncup for security. We all have them in my house because it just is reassuring especially with sport etc. I can see how annoying it is for teachers because I'm sure many "forget" to use the toilets at break, but a reminder of her medical condition is reasonable alongside extra protection so she has the confidence to wait until the lesson ends

I would ask the Head to describe perhaps on a scale of 1 - 10 what is an appropriate level of a male teacher's interest in a pupil's period.

He sounds like a nasty prurient bully. He's the modern-day equivalent of the creepy teacher who used to lean over you, or press against your side boob - always making sure he did it in a way that allowed deniability if anyone challenged his behaviour (there was always one . . . ).

He's certainly getting power kick out of this, and possibly some sort of sexual thrill as well.

Your DD shouldn't have to put up with this. Does he treat the other toilet pass user in the same way, do you know? Or is he particularly victimising your DD?

Sorry - bold fail

My ds has a toilet pass and I'd be straight to Head of Year (who is very nice and accommodating) if a teacher pulled this stunt. He doesn't use it to mess about/get out of stuff so if he uses it, he really needs to.

I'm a teacher and usually quite strict with letting kids go to the toilet during lessons (unless it's a long lesson), because if I let one go then I'll inevitably get ten others claiming they need it too. Then it turns into a choice between letting groups of students roam around disrupting other classes, or spending the whole lesson listening to them whinge about how unfair it is that I let X go but not them. But if someone has a toilet pass they always get to go, no questions asked - that's literally the point! Definitely say something, this sounds ridiculous.

Also agree with the posters saying don't send him her prescriptions. There's no need for the teacher to know the details, other than that she has to go to the toilet immediately when she asks. I don't know why any of my students have toilet passes because it's none of my business - I trust the SEN department to do their jobs, and if they decide a student needs a toilet pass that's all the information I'm entitled to.

Toilet pass = no questions asked. Only Head of Year knows why he has one and no other teacher has asked him.

I think Laiste is spot on.

I'm confident in our school because I'm seen staff with pastoral responsibility to my child express some of the protective fierceness that parents on this thread have shown. That's how I know those teachers have my child's back. It's also how your DD will know that you have her back. And that is the start of confidence and self esteem.

He sounds like a dick. I'm having flooding issues at the moment and the only think containing it is Always night-time pads. The urinary issues I'm not familiar with, but how humiliating to have to try to explain to a male teacher when you're a shy child. Definitely bring it to the HofY

Yep, firm e-mail to the teacher, with head teacher copied in, explaining clearly and politely that from now on DD will be allowed to go to the loo whenever she needs to, and should there be any more incidents of him refusing you will make a complaint to Ofsted (and perhaps also go to the press - there was a story about this in a paper recently which got a fair amount of attention). What this teacher is doing to your DD is absolutely not on.

Brilliant will definitely order some of those to try! Thank you thanks most helpful.

At the moment she's either wearing the thickest always pads or even sometimes really thick bladder ones because the Always aren't enough when it's at its worst and she's still flooded on to furniture so definitely worth a go!

Laiste thank you!

I've emailed and I'm going to pop in tomorrow after school to see Senco.
Tbh there are very few people I feel have her back there. Her school went through a huge staff change over and everyone I felt I could trust to fight for her went.
The senco is trying in fairness but dd leaves in June and I won't be sorry!

Your poor DD, my heart really goes out to her. If I was you I wouldn’t even bother emailing, I would go straight for a meeting with teacher, head and SENCO. It sounds like it has been going on a while now, and I wouldn’t be wanting her to suffer through one more lesson from him with the worry hanging over her.

I disagree with informing him of her medical conditions why the hell should DD's private medical information be passed on to more people than necessary. She has satisfied whoever gives out the toilet passes no more is needed. I'm usually in support of the school but this is ridiculous. I'd be complaining to the head and asking him to ensure the staff have proper training.

Make sure that when you leave the senco meeting you email them with a summary of what was agreed.

I would speak to the head directly. There is no need for this teacher to know the full details of your daughters medical condition, simply that she has a pass and should be excused to use it.

"Write to both the headteacher and SENCO and ask them to confirm that this teacher has been told that the toilet pass has to be honoured without delay."

This ^^, and head of year, and head of pastoral care.

This is discrimination pure and simple.

You asked if things would be like this in college - fuck no, you are treated like an adult. If you need the toilet, you go. You might excuse yourself (like you would if you were leaving a work meeting), but you don’t have to ask for permission which might then be denied.

If sixth formers want to skip class to hang out in the toilets, that’s on them. Same as if they want to skive off into town shopping. They’re only hurting themselves. And because most A-level students are relatively well-motivated, they don’t take the piss for the most part.

I would speak to the head directly. There is no need for this teacher to know the full details of your daughters medical condition, simply that she has a pass and should be excused to use it.

This.