To write a letter about DDs male teacher arguing over DD using her toilet pass

[Whatwaslostandfound]

NC as I'm going to contact school and obviously don't want other posts linked.

I'm not going to go into masses of details as I'm aware Mumsnet has a weird toilet troll but DD has a toilet pass for school. She's on medication both for very heavy period flooding and bladder issues. She's on medication for both.

She's constantly having issues with one male teacher who won't let her go until he's literally argued with her on why he should let her. If she is lucky he will let her go when the other person with a toilet pass has come back. She can't wait that long and toilets are individual like disabled loos on the corridor near reception so not like they can mess about.

Today's hissy fit is because the children were late for his lesson (a special assembly over ran!) and then dd asked for the toilet half an hour later.

I understand it's annoying but she's on medication AND has a pass. She went through a stage of not drinking anything at lunch as drinking meant that she needed the loo in lesson not long afterwards .

This is not the first time and there have been issues in the past for DD.

Help!

I'd contact the SENCO and head by email pointing out that this amounts to victimisation on disability grounds, that it is not to happen again, and that you want the teacher in question to confirm in writing that he understands your DD has a toilet pass and he is not to question her about using it, and that you want that confirmation before she next has a lesson with him.

I would also ask him to describe how the mechanism works that links your daughter's needs with the needs of the other classmate with a pass that means your daughter's period or bladder is magically 'alright' until her classmate returns (and her classmate's conditions are magically alright until your daughter returns). He might think it's unacceptable that two people are out of the class at the same time but as he seems hard of thinking, he might need help to understand that your daughter's period and bladder issues are not cosmically entangled with her classmate's conditions nor those of any children with toilet passes in other classrooms. I wouldn't start with sarcasm but, if necessary, ....

Finally, if bridges need to be burned to make a point, I would ask the Head to describe perhaps on a scale of 1 - 10 what is an appropriate level of a male teacher's interest in a pupil's period.

He's a nasty little man on a power trip. I feel so very sorry for your daughter, especially as it sounds as if she isn't the most confident anyway. I wonder how he would react if it were his wife or daughter being treated the same way? Nasty nasty little man.

I too have bladder issues and when I need to go I need to go. He should consider himself lucky as if it were me I would have pee'd all over -hisshoes- the floor by now.

Give her a huge from me.

I think send Zilla1 into the school!!!

Straight to tutor, head of year, senco or some combination of the above.

My child also has a toilet/medical pass and it's been really drummed into them that the school nurse, tutor and HoY will always have their back.

The line in our school is it's a toilet/medical pass and no one will ever ask exactly what it is being used for.

YOu need to escalate this immediately. In writing and in person. And require a written response as to how this will not happen again and what consequences there will be for the teacher if it does. I'd also demand he apologise to your daughter in person and in front of you and his line manager.

Ds1 had this when he was 10, he had a problem where he would randomly wet him self. No warning so was suggested he go every every to try and prevent it.

One teacher refused to let him go and then when he did wer himself refused to let him go clean up and had to sit there till end if school.

Sage to say that teacher was made to apologise ds and the class and was then fired on the spot.

He has NO right. I would email the teacher and head and to if she needs to go do it stop her.

Tell your daughter to leave the class room if he fights her again.

You are absolutely right to speak to the head teacher, senco, school nurse & anyone else who can help your poor dd to not be bullied by this ignorant teacher. What a horrible stressful time for her. Hope you get it all sorted quickly.

Your poor dd. I wouldn’t go into detail about why your dd has been issued the toilet pass. I agree he is discriminating against your dd in the grounds of sex and disability. The pass is supposed to be honoured immediately. That is the reason for a pass.

I would send a very strongly worded email to the school about his behaviour.

Also make the point that it is NEVER ok for a man to tell a woman whether she can go to the toilet or not.

And it is not ok for a teacher to be challenging his colleagues' decision.

Please tell your daughter to have a set response to him.

I have the pass, I am allowed to leave class and please take it up with my parent and the headteacher (or whoever issued the pass) because I have no time to waste. Same response every time.

What an arse. Yet another man who wants to be in control of a woman's body. It has to stop.

You absolutely must advocate for your DD, and also help her to gain the confidence to know her rights and stand up for them.

If possible I would try to get to the school in person.

He is a nasty bully.
I'd be writing to the Head or asking for an appointment with the Head & the bully together.

Hopefully you won't need to go through any of the arguments PPs are presenting. I think this is one of those where you don't need to persuade anyone. It is self-evident that he is in the wrong for not letting a child with a toilet pass go. The reasons why are all implicit in the fact she has a toilet pass, they don't need to be spelled out.

I am really confident this would be dealt with "robustly" at our school without me or my child having to explain or justify anything.

Definitely contact the school. It's absolutely none of his business why she has a toilet pass and he has no right to prevent her from using it. He needs to be told that he cannot question or challenge her at all if she asks to go.

Thank you.
I was fuming so definitely needed direction on the best way to handle really.
I have emailed him before and he doesn't reply so I think I will do what was suggested and email year head cc of Senco.

It's a small school she he definitely would have been made aware that she has a pass. I know it's also on the register.

I might also photocopy her tranexamic acid (sp?!) and Oxybutynin prescriptions on the same sheet as her toilet pass with my phone number on at the top for her to carry as suggested with a note above.

I can't wait for her to leave tbh. Be glad to see the back of the place for a variety of reasons. I wish she would just walk out but she won't.

She does like the Senco and will tell her a lot but telling her something like that when you are socially uncomfortable is hard. There have been days she has forgotten her change of clothes and even though there is one of those donated red boxes with donated spares in she's tried to dry with hand dryers and carried on her day.

'You absolutely must advocate for your DD, and also help her to gain the confidence to know her rights and stand up for them.'

Really trying with this one.
She has some SN too so confidence is a huge issue.
She started cadets recently who have been amazing and massively supportive and it is improving.

oh, that's great (I know someone who's DC has just started cadets and the change has been fantastic to see!).

MY DD is younger but we found laid back drama classes to be a real help with this.

Don't beat yourself up or push her too much into standing up for herself over this. There are some things which she'd probably find easy to stand up for, but this is toilet related issues which are being questioned infront of all of her peers. She's been questioned and bullied and being forced to beg to go to the toilet out-loud infront of her class. That's hard. She will feel like she is under a neon sign saying "I have bladder and period problems" for all the world to see. It's hard to stand up and be confident over that. Which her teacher should be made aware of.

I would advise not photocopying her prescriptions. They are her private medical info which he has no right to see, and I'm not sure what they add. Trans-thingy acid says menstrual stuff I believe, oxybutynin says bladder problems by and large. None of his business, please preserve your daughter's privacy and dignity.

Put another way, if your daughter stopped taking oxybutynin on a trial break then she would need to use her pass as much as, if not more than, she currently does. She would have just as much right to the pass when not on meds. They don't need to see the prescriptions to justify your position. You don't need to break her privacy for this.

I would advise not photocopying her prescriptions. They are her private medical info which he has no right to see, and I'm not sure what they add. Trans-thingy acid says menstrual stuff I believe, oxybutynin says bladder problems by and large. None of his business, please preserve your daughter's privacy and dignity

Put another way, if your daughter stopped taking oxybutynin on a trial break then she would need to use her pass as much as, if not more than, she currently does. She would have just as much right to the pass when not on meds. They don't need to see the prescriptions to justify your position. You don't need to break her privacy for this

Totally agree with this. If she has a toilet pass, that's all the teacher needs to know. Your DD is probably embarrassed enough without her medical info being made more public. Teacher is in the wrong. Don't pander to him. Good luck

I would lose my ever loving shit over this so yanbu.

What will eventually happen is that most parents will tell her to just go when she needs to go without his permission causing even further difficulties for him. He's not playing smart here.

Your poor daughter!

But she has you to back her up. Feel the power of MN behind you 💪

Theres not much more to say either than what's been said.

Hes a dick.

Your poor dd.

You sound lovely op add me to the list of people behind you

He’s being a dick. Can I recommend modibodi presuming you have access to a washing machine?