Asking grieving husband for a divorce. AiBU? WWYD?

[OrangesNectarines]

I am in a very difficult situation at the moment.

I have been married to my husband for 6 years and we have two pre school aged children.

Over the years my husband has always been emotionally abusive towards me. I have only just accepted this after recently researching and understanding what EA/DV actually is and all the effects it has.

This has left me very unhappy for most of our marriage. I have stayed for the sake of our D.C. and my religious and cultural beliefs, with the hopes that things will get better. I now understand that this isn’t considered the best approach to take in such situations.

I have confronted and addressed his behaviour to him over the years, he has finally acknowledged his shortcomings and has agreed to change / seek professional help. Last year things were very difficult but things have gotten better recently. Unfortunately I am still very unhappy with the marriage. I think this is due to resentment and the way I feel I’ve been treated over the years. With this I’ve decided that It’s in my best interests to divorce him and move on.

The only issue is that his father has passed away this morning! I feel very sad for him and I don't want to let him down while we are "trying to make things better".

I was planning to have “the conversation” with him within the next few weeks and I was in the process of preparing myself and plucking courage to do this. But this unfortunate news has come by!! And now I'm stuck!

I’ve also been offered a house with our LA which fuelled my desire to finally leave him and move on. I really don’t want him to move in with us, as I considered this to be a fresh start for my kids and I.

I am honestly torn. I’m really sad that his dad has passed but if I’m honest, I am terrified by the thought of continuing in such a unhappy, loveless environment.

Just wanted views on how I can approach this.

I am very short for time as I will have to move into the new property within a few weeks. I really don’t want him to come.

Tia

Well done OP

Keep your resolve the place the LA have offered you sounds fabulous

Hi everyone, thank you all your advice.

I just wanted to come back here to update.

My husband and I got into a nasty argument over the weekend over something silly as usual. His abusive, narcissistic ways suddenly emerged and I stood up for myself for the very first time ever. Fortunately that didn’t go well in his books and he has decided to end the marriage himself. He has asked me to give him two weeks to leave! How great is that?

Ive signed the tenancy to my new place and I picked up the keys today. He hasn’t been home for a few days so he is unaware of everything. I’ve started packing up and I am planning to text him in the next few days to let him know he’ll need to remove all of his belongings.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should relay this to him? I honestly do not want to talk to him, he has been very very nasty, but I guess I have no choice here.

His sisters also removed me from the family WhatsApp Group as well, so I am guessing they’re all aware of what’s going on.

I’m feeling sad although very relieved at the same time. I’m not sure why, Relieved maybe because he has ended it himself which has saved me from being the “bad person” , but sad because as expected, I’ve still turned out to be the one who has done wrong (according to him and his family by the look of things.

I am really struggling with this although I am trying my best not to care.

Wow that was a result!

It will feel upsetting and stressful, but it will be worth it when you're in your new house and new life. Then you can start to move forward.

Pack up your own stuff, tell him you've got a new property and he needs to pack his things up. Text or email him if it helps. And who cares what his family think of you? They're your ex family. Hold your head up. Sounds like you were both on the same page about wanting to end the relationship- you can honestly tell people that's what happened - and look like the bigger person..

Good news. It’s an amazing thing you’re doing for your daughters. You are going to be so happy- you won’t realise how much you’ve all been tip toeing around him until
You’re free

Don't ask - TELL him you're divorcing him.

Did he care about your mental state during your marriage? I'm not suggesting you be nasty, just blunt. Take the house, it's your lifeline

Bloody beautiful timing!

Well done, it’s wonderful to think that the prick believes he ended it when you know the truth

That is actually a massive result. I think I would just let it drift for the next few days and focus on your move. Once you are sorted inform him he’s got X days to leave.

Does he know about the new tenancy?

Be aware he may have told you he's ending the marriage as another abusive tactic to manipulate you into doing what he wants and begging for forgiveness. When you don't, and instead turn out to already have found somewhere to live, you may find he does a 180 on you and launches into a new range of tactics.

Abuse is all about trying to have control of you, he won't care what tactics he has to use to try and regain that. Doesn't matter how illogical it seems.

You do not owe him anything.

If I were you I would speak to women's aid for advice, pack myself up and move into the new house completely and then notify him after.

There is no discussion to be had. He will only use it to try and manipulate you.

This might help you prepare yourself to stay strong against him:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

If possible have all of your belongings moved before you tell him and I'd go as far as not telling him where your new house is for now. He has done you a favour. To hell with what his family think of you. You don't need to give a continental shit about them now. Block them all on social media, your phone etc.

If possible have all of your belongings moved before you tell him and I'd go as far as not telling him where your new house is for now.

I agree with the above. Don't tell him anything until you have everything you want out of the flat/house. And don't tell him where you're going. He has no need of that information.

As soon as you've moved yourself, you could send him a message that says "The tenancy on the current flat/house will end on . You will need to have all your belongings out of the flat/house before then as the keys will be given back to the landlord on that date. I will not be responsible for removal of your possessions".