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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking grieving husband for a divorce. AiBU? WWYD?

86 replies

OrangesNectarines · 02/04/2019 11:15

I am in a very difficult situation at the moment.

I have been married to my husband for 6 years and we have two pre school aged children.

Over the years my husband has always been emotionally abusive towards me. I have only just accepted this after recently researching and understanding what EA/DV actually is and all the effects it has.

This has left me very unhappy for most of our marriage. I have stayed for the sake of our D.C. and my religious and cultural beliefs, with the hopes that things will get better. I now understand that this isn’t considered the best approach to take in such situations.

I have confronted and addressed his behaviour to him over the years, he has finally acknowledged his shortcomings and has agreed to change / seek professional help. Last year things were very difficult but things have gotten better recently. Unfortunately I am still very unhappy with the marriage. I think this is due to resentment and the way I feel I’ve been treated over the years. With this I’ve decided that It’s in my best interests to divorce him and move on.

The only issue is that his father has passed away this morning! I feel very sad for him and I don't want to let him down while we are "trying to make things better".

I was planning to have “the conversation” with him within the next few weeks and I was in the process of preparing myself and plucking courage to do this. But this unfortunate news has come by!! And now I'm stuck!

I’ve also been offered a house with our LA which fuelled my desire to finally leave him and move on. I really don’t want him to move in with us, as I considered this to be a fresh start for my kids and I.

I am honestly torn. I’m really sad that his dad has passed but if I’m honest, I am terrified by the thought of continuing in such a unhappy, loveless environment.

Just wanted views on how I can approach this.

I am very short for time as I will have to move into the new property within a few weeks. I really don’t want him to come.

Tia

OP posts:
jameswong · 02/04/2019 12:29

Not ideal timing, but agree with most others. Continue as planned.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 02/04/2019 12:33

I’ve also been offered a house with our LA which fuelled my desire to finally leave him and move on. I really don’t want him to move in with us, as I considered this to be a fresh start for my kids and I.

They will not keep offering these to you.
GRAB IT.
Do not put your life on hold...

WoofWoofMooWoof · 02/04/2019 12:36

If you delay, he will emotionally blackmail you into staying MUCH longer than you want to - and you may not get the opportunity to leave at all.

This ^

I agree with all the others. I was in an EA relationship with two pre-school children. It took a lot of guts, but I left. Told him on the Monday I was moving out on the Friday. If I hadn't done it then I'd probably still be stuck, desperately unhappy and being made to feel like shit every day.

Get out now, while you have the chance of a house and a better future.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 02/04/2019 12:39

Definitely go. Use the time whilst he is grieving and distracted by getting your ducks in a row.
Who’s house is the one you’re living in now?
Be aware that once he finds out, he will be even more manipulative and the point you leave is very dangerous in an abusive relationship.
Get some RL support and practical help to move things.

Nowordsleft · 02/04/2019 12:43

Has he got any idea this is coming?

MaiaRindell · 02/04/2019 12:45

If you have summoned up the courage to do it now, still do it. If he is emotionally abusive, he try to will use the grieving to control you. Make a clean break and don't doubt yourself.

Shmithecat2 · 02/04/2019 12:46

Leave. A friend of mine was going to leave her then dh, then his dm died, so she waited. It didn't change anything, it didn't lessen anything. Just go, especially if you have a chance of housing.

madcatladyforever · 02/04/2019 12:48

Just move into the house. I'm afraid it's just too bad that his father has died, he shouldn't have been emotionally abusive should he?
There will always be some reason why you can't leave, it's unfortunate but you need to think about yourself and the children right now.
If he hit you you would not hesitate to leave. Emotional abuse is no better.

PinkHeart5914 · 02/04/2019 12:50

Well leaving a gieveing man is no worse than a man abusing his partner so I’d 100% be bitch and leave, sometimes in life you have to look after number 1.

Having a relative die doesn’t suddenly make him a nice human 🤷🏻‍♀️

kaytee87 · 02/04/2019 12:50

Whatever you do, don't lose that house!

theOtherPamAyres · 02/04/2019 12:53

Do you intend to reject the house being offered by the Local Authority, because it's a bad time for your abusive husband? Or do you intend that your husband live with you in the new property until he feels better?

WatchingFromTheWings · 02/04/2019 12:59

Accept the house. Go. You might have a very very long wait for the next opportunity.

kaytee87 · 02/04/2019 13:01

Oh and don't let him move in with you. You will never get rid of him.

He's been emotionally abusing you. Does he deserve your sympathy?

Nameisthegame · 02/04/2019 13:06

Go! Don’t lose such a good chance, in life there will always be something that comes up. I once didn’t leave a guy because his father died and we stayed together for 3 more years of misery my life spiraled out of control for another 7 years and I’m still not back on track.

I can’t garuntee everything would have been fine if I’d left earlier but I always wonder.

GenericHamster · 02/04/2019 13:30

Put the house first.

TeacupDrama · 02/04/2019 13:31

I think the LA will only hold house for a few days maybe a week you have to move in and start paying the rent, you can't get any housing benefit ( if that is applicable) if you are not living there
you might be able to wait until after funeral

Sosayi · 02/04/2019 13:31

If you have been offered a HA property then you would be stupid to not take that up
HA can be like winning the lottery for many people,
Especially if you have two small kids it will make all the difference between having a ok standard of living and a pretty decent one due to the difference in rent
And often if you don’t take it you get put to the back of the list
Think of the HA as a blessing in disguise you will have somwhere relatively cheap to live in and a secure and safe tenancy
Don’t even tell him. Sort out the house get your name on the tennancy and then tell him

PrincessAndThePee · 02/04/2019 13:33

He is abusive. He lost the chance to expect you to be there for him.

If not for the house thing I might say give him 6 weeks if it will make you fell less guilty, but wouldn't risk your family's happiness for him.

Tunnockswafer · 02/04/2019 13:39

When you say he has agreed to change, has he actually changed or just said he would, one day?
If he has made massive efforts I would be kinder than if he has not. (Note I would still leave either way, but I would be a bit more thoughtful if he has had a sustained period of being a decent person). If you take the house, how much time can pass before you’d have to officially move and tell him? Right now he will hopefully have family around to support him so it might actually fare better than you think with the news.

S1naidSucks · 02/04/2019 13:40

Take the house and sneak your stuff over to it. What’s the chances of him noticing that there are towels, sheets, etc missing? Get your paperwork, including children’s passports s/birth certificates/school certificates/uniforms over to the new place. I’d be worried about your safety, if he finds out. Does he know the address of the new place? Change the locks on the new place, in case he manages to trick the LA into giving him a set of keys.

Chances are, he will spend a lot of time in his father’s home now. Say you’re ill with a bad stomach/diarrhoea (he won’t want to risk his mother’s health). Then get stuff moved. Good luck, OP.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 02/04/2019 13:41

I hope you are contacting the council now OP.
You will get housing benefit, child benefit, nursery places.
There will be no other time to get this much support from the benefits system.
Forget about your husband. He is a grown man; you have 2 small children to think of and you don’t want them growing up to think EA relationships are the norm.

Original poster
OrangesNectarines · 02/04/2019 13:42

Thank you all for responding to my post.

The flat we currently live is in my sole name, its LA temp accommodation, so I will have to move out and hand the keys back once i move into the new property.

I haven't told him about the offer yet as Ive obviously been planning to leave.

This means this separation will also make him homeless.

He will probably be going back to his home country very soon (in the next few weeks) as that's where his dad/family is based.

OP posts:
Time40 · 02/04/2019 13:42

For God's sake don't lose that house, OP. Make sure of the house, and then just try to leave telling him as late as you can.

IvanaPee · 02/04/2019 13:43

Well then I would tell him so he can make arrangements. I know it’s close to his father’s death but it would be worse to make him homeless at the last second!

S1naidSucks · 02/04/2019 13:43

Can you persuade him to go soon?

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