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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking grieving husband for a divorce. AiBU? WWYD?

86 replies

OrangesNectarines · 02/04/2019 11:15

I am in a very difficult situation at the moment.

I have been married to my husband for 6 years and we have two pre school aged children.

Over the years my husband has always been emotionally abusive towards me. I have only just accepted this after recently researching and understanding what EA/DV actually is and all the effects it has.

This has left me very unhappy for most of our marriage. I have stayed for the sake of our D.C. and my religious and cultural beliefs, with the hopes that things will get better. I now understand that this isn’t considered the best approach to take in such situations.

I have confronted and addressed his behaviour to him over the years, he has finally acknowledged his shortcomings and has agreed to change / seek professional help. Last year things were very difficult but things have gotten better recently. Unfortunately I am still very unhappy with the marriage. I think this is due to resentment and the way I feel I’ve been treated over the years. With this I’ve decided that It’s in my best interests to divorce him and move on.

The only issue is that his father has passed away this morning! I feel very sad for him and I don't want to let him down while we are "trying to make things better".

I was planning to have “the conversation” with him within the next few weeks and I was in the process of preparing myself and plucking courage to do this. But this unfortunate news has come by!! And now I'm stuck!

I’ve also been offered a house with our LA which fuelled my desire to finally leave him and move on. I really don’t want him to move in with us, as I considered this to be a fresh start for my kids and I.

I am honestly torn. I’m really sad that his dad has passed but if I’m honest, I am terrified by the thought of continuing in such a unhappy, loveless environment.

Just wanted views on how I can approach this.

I am very short for time as I will have to move into the new property within a few weeks. I really don’t want him to come.

Tia

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 02/04/2019 13:44

You have been offered a LA house.. do not loose that.

EA will not improve.. I would prepare for the fact his DF has died as a reason you cannot leave, it will be all part of the control.

Leave him sorting out what needs doing with his dad while you plan leaving.

Abusive men can become far more abusive when they know you are leaving so leave it as late as possible...

collect together paperwork, birth certificates passports, your NI no. his if you can find it ( helpful for cms) any financial evidence you can find.

Expect his behaviour to change in attempts to put you back in your place... good luck

Tunnockswafer · 02/04/2019 13:44

Well that’s easy then, in a way. Wait till he’s back there and then tell him. That way if he might prefer to stay with his family for longer, he can. And he has a roof over his head while he decides what to do.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 02/04/2019 13:45

Will the LA give you transition time, say a week or so move.? Where you have both houses? I would explain your situation to them.

Starlight456 · 02/04/2019 13:47

Reading the update. Encourage him to go home asap. Tell him when he has gone if you can hold property that long. far safest option.

I had to wait a few weeks till I could move into my property as it needed some work doing so phone up and accept and ask when you would be moving in.

Springwalk · 02/04/2019 13:47

Wait until after the funeral, accept the house in the meantime, and continue with your plans. Break it to him as gently as possible, and if he wants you to, you can continue to support him as a friend. I would still leave. It could take years to get over the death of his father, just in time potentially for the death of his mother or any other close relative.

Br brave and be kind.

Honeyroar · 02/04/2019 13:48

I personally wouldn't tell him today, he's had enough to deal with. I'd say yes to the house, in your own name, then tell him in a week or two, like you were planning to. As people say, if he is going away you can use that to your advantage.

speakout · 02/04/2019 13:52

Nothing gives anyone the right to abuse us OP.

I left my terminall ill husband, I am sure lots of people thought that was a cruel thing to do, but I could not stand one more day being used and an emotional and physical punchbag.

Years later I know I did the right thing.

If your daughter was in this situation what advice would you give to her?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/04/2019 13:53

You need to get the kids away from an emotionally abusive home. Secure the new house.
He doesn't have to know immediately that you've done that.
Can the moving in datebe up to you ?
Can you quietly move out in stages to give yourself more time?
I second the advice from pp that you should get some support at the final point of moving in case things get nasty.

poobumwee · 02/04/2019 13:59

How much flexibility on time do you have? Can you accept the house without him knowing for a while, to give youself additional breathing space to organise and get help from friends etc?
He has been abusive and you have an opportunity to leave and have a fresh start with your children. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship and you do not want your DC to grow up thinking his behaviour is "normal". good luck OP

BumbleBeee69 · 02/04/2019 14:05

Take the house OP, wait til his is away, and tell him then. Flowers

PurpleTrilby · 02/04/2019 14:08

Others have advised much better than I could about the abuse. However, I agree you should grab that property with both hands and don’t let go of it, don’t let him move in.

If it’s any consolation, years ago I left my lovely, non-abusive (there were other issues, but not relevant) ex partner about 6 weeks after he was diagnosed with MS. Yeah I felt a bit bad, but actually I had to do what was right for me and not become a carer in my 20s for someone I didn’t love. So no regrets, not one.

Original poster
OrangesNectarines · 02/04/2019 14:17

I was supposed to attend a viewing yesterday but the LA cancelled last minute as the developers have said the property isn't ready just yet - it's a brand new build.

I will be a silly to give up this opportunity and I just wanted to confirm that under no circumstances am I thinking to decline this offer.. no way. The house was offered to us on medical grounds as my 2 D.C. have ASD & Development delay. It's a 3 bed ground floor maisonette with a garden so perfect for my DCs needs. Specialist school is also a stone throw away

They have advised they will contact me this week to rearrange, so at the moment I don't know what's happening re. Timescales - moving in and so on.

Thankfully he is now planning to go back to his home country within the next few days. Im hoping the days somehow align and I can use this to my advantage. I plan to slowly pack and prepare

OP posts:
BloodsportForAll · 02/04/2019 14:18

Ring women's aid and tell them everything, they can make sure you have a safety barrier.

Accept the house and tell them about the domestic abuse and that you need your husband to be considered persona non grata to them and that you would like some support getting away from him.

I've been here.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 02/04/2019 14:27

OP the timing is good.
He probably won’t give you a second thought whilst he’s over there.
You can contact him when he’s there so that he has the option to stay / stay on.
Fingers crossed for you. All sounds very good

thegreylady · 02/04/2019 14:29

Take the house and tell him in a little while. The chances are he will choose to stay in his home country. Make sure you have the children’s passports before you tell him.

Bhappy12 · 02/04/2019 14:34

I would wait a few weeks, but then go ahead as planned. Largely because grief affects people in different ways, and often you find people become more selfish and their worst characteristics become the only ones they seem to have for a while.

My partner (who is otherwise a wonderful, lovely man) lost his Dad recently and the grief honestly made him almost unbearable to live with - your husband is already abusive and I think you need to protect yourself (and DC) and leave now before he has a chance to become more abusive towards you.
Flowers

AnyOldPrion · 02/04/2019 14:38

Ring women's aid and tell them everything, they can make sure you have a safety barrier.

Accept the house and tell them about the domestic abuse and that you need your husband to be considered persona non grata to them and that you would like some support getting away from him.

I've been here.

I second all this. I am currently going through something similar. This is my second attempt at leaving and this one will be permanent. Good luck with the future.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2019 14:40

I'd tell him whilst he's in his country & hope that he stays there. He deserves no courtesy from you. Since you're married, my assumption is that you can't actually lock him out, but I'd certainly say that you don't want him to come back to the flat.

But only you can gauge what his reaction is likely to be. It may be safer to move silently and tell him at the last minute just before you move.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 02/04/2019 14:47

Accept the house OP

RandomMess · 02/04/2019 15:16

Hmmm good you persuade him to sort out a ticket home and to leave sooner rather than later?

Please do not pass up the opportunity of a new home because you feel sorry for him!

MadameAnchou · 02/04/2019 15:16

Take the house! Leave him!!

blueshoes · 02/04/2019 15:22

You are very brave OP and doing the right thing by yourself and the dcs. Take the delay from the developers as a positive thing. I think it would be best if you could move when he is already out of the house and tell him when he is away in his home country. Sad as his father's passing is, he will be with his family and have their support.

steppemum · 02/04/2019 15:31

Without the house, I would say wiat a month or two, after all this time one or two months won't make that much difference. But the house changes everything. Sign up for the house as sole tenant, and make as many preparations as you can without him noticing, and then when you are ready, tell him.

CheshireChat · 02/04/2019 16:37

Did he give a toss about you or your children when he was being abusive? Doubt it so why should you.

Mind you, I'm feeling cranky about this right now as a friend is trying to help her insanely abusive ex and I'm baffled why she wouldn't let him tot.

And even if he hadn't been abusive, it's utterly pointless to let him move in just so he has to move out soon after or even worse be on the tenancy. I'd just be kinder about it, but I wouldn't drag it out regardless.

Mrsjayy · 02/04/2019 16:51

Hopefully everything will just fit into place your new house sounds lovely fingers crossed it gets signed off very soon is the tenancy just in your name ?

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