Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

As someone who lost a beloved parent in the last 18 months I’m glad I was able to help out despite the fact they never provided free childcare for me - I think it’s sad to base whether you help your parents or not on this basis

I'm really sorry for your loss but I don't think it's reflective of OP's situation. It's not that your parents have to provide you with childcare or give you money - not all parents can easily do this. It's the fact they didn't help OP or invest in time with her kids when they could very easily have done so. They haven't maintained a close relationship with OP over the years but want to reap the benefits of a close relationship now when it suits them.

When you needed them as a child they were there for you, now they need you - taking elderly relatives to hospital is what children do for their parents.

Due to distances involved I am unable to take my oldest relative to hospital for appointments or do their shopping or anything else they need but I'd give anything to be able to do that for them.

YABU.

Your children are watching and learning from from you. Whether you choose to be kind or unkind they’ll be watching

That doesn't work. My grandparents were lovely and very involved in their grandchildren's lives. My parents and ILs have no interest in anyone beyond themselves. Were they not 'watching'?

AttillaTheMeerkat =l will definitely will be sticking to my guns! The irony is my Mum retired relatively young and in good health. Basically life is one long holiday and day out for her. When my brother and l were younger, our grandmother (her mother!) would help out most days with childcare

Have not read the entire thread but I think the key thing is that they have money which can buy them the health and services they need now they are less able.

Sometimes elderly parents may seek a new emotional closeness with adult children. They may be conscious that they didn't get it right when they were younger and want to repair the damage while there's time. In this case I think it may be graceful to try and open oneself to some new kind of connection.

But this isn't what's happening in your situation. To sound vaguely involved while actually being quite disengaged seems entirely reasonable.

Nothing to add here except that I wouldn't put myself out for them under these conditions.

They have made virtual strangers of you and your family - it was their choice, and sadly, you reap what you sow.

Only read the first 4 pages and the last - what a spoiled, ungrateful child your parents raised. They may have chosen to have a child, you may have been an accident. However thereafter they presumably compromised their lifestyle to a great extent to ferry you around, provide you with everything you needed and so on. I'm making that assumption because although you are complaining about lack of help as an adult you are not complaining about your childhood.

So having compromised their lives for maybe 20+ years they want to do a little of what they couldnt afford themselves in their early lives. You complain about lack of cash - what did they see you wasting money on?

You clearly see your parents as cash machines - take, take, take and never put anything back. So yes, dont be surprised if any money they have left goes to a dogs home. Of course it would be good if they'd offered a bit more help when you felt you were struggling - but what had you ever done for them to deserve it? You dont mention one single thing.

You are not obliged to help and you'll get a lot of support on mumsnet from other spoilt children. You are teaching your children to be equally spoilt and ungrateful. You wont be flamed on mumsnet where spoilt and ungrateful are in the majority but dont be surprised when you are old if your spoilt, ungrateful children treat you just as you now treat your parents..

I think there is a real difference between not wanting to provide childcare and having no interest in your GC at all, which is sadly what the OP seems to be experiencing

Totally agree. Sounds like the OP's parents were unwilling to do anything at all to help out, even minor things that would have taken a couple of hours max occasionally.

YANBU. Like you said they made their bed, now they can lie in it. They are being very cheeky wanting help when they didnt give you any help when you needed it and they were in a position to help. If they could afford to spend 6K-12K a year on holidays they can afford a taxi.

I don't see why parent relationships would be exempt from the law of reciprocity that governs all other relationships. If you put far more into a relationship than the other party is prepared to, you don't get a nice warm feeling of being the bigger person; you feel like a damn fool. Society has a strong cultural norm around parents helping and supporting children and vice versa and a taboo against saying that actually you don't like your parent/child, which serves a purpose at times but also leads to a lot of terrible guilt and angst for those who have terrible parents, when the only qualification required to become a parent is a functioning reproductive system and the ability to locate both Tab A and Slot B.

OP's parents have been very clear that for them the parent/child contract broke the day OP turned 18, so. You live by the sword, you die by the sword.

alreadytaken are you the OP's Mum? Did you notice how the OP said these issues had remained unvoiced, her parents created this relationship.

alreadytaken adds the 'distant' grandparent perspective to the thread.

However thereafter they presumably compromised their lifestyle to a great extent to ferry you around, provide you with everything you needed and so on.

Not all parents do this. My mother refused to drive us anywhere, although she insisted on living in the countryside with very little to do or in the way of public transport. We were cold, often hungry and dirty. We slept in a mouldy windlowless basement for several years. My mother took my sister on holiday during the equivalent of A-levels, leaving me to cook for my father twice a day.

I don’t see it as tit for tat but you get out from a relationship what you put in & it the OP shouldn’t feel guilty.

In my circle everyone has had help from their parents both financially & with childcare. They is a huge variation obviously depending upon their own situations & it’s always been appreciated but its seen as the norm.

One of my childhood neighbour friends is an only child (his father died when he was a teen & he was very much raised by his grandma). His mother is pretty affluent (1m plus house, etc) & has never given him a penny for a wedding/deposit etc. Fine, fair enough it’s her money. However she is never even offered one night of babysitting even though she is retired, fit & lived close to them. Friend has now moved up North to be close with the in-laws as they were very keen to help out plus it means they have got on the housing ladder. My mum is still neighbours with his mum & all she does is complain that her only child has deserted her, how lonely she is, what will she do when she is frail etc.

That doesn't work. My grandparents were lovely and very involved in their grandchildren's lives. My parents and ILs have no interest in anyone beyond themselves. Were they not 'watching'?

There is always an exception isn't there?

Everything we do impacts on our children.

The thing is- 'being helpful' as a parent and a grandparent is subjective.

The OP may think she's been the best mum in the world yet her children may think differently.

There is a whole range of behaviour.

Parents who devote their lives to their DCs , who don't give a monkeys for them, and are completely selfish (you can't take personality out of the equation.)

Parents who are selfish and self centred, yet whose children will do anything for them in later life.

Parents and children who are somewhere in the middle and muddle along.

I guess some of it is about hindsight- some parents know with hindsight they were rubbish parents. If they admit to this and ask for understanding or forgiveness it can go a long way.

I think it's a hard hearted person who can say their parents didn't help them out much, so why should they help them when they are old and frail.

It's just repeating a cycle of behaviour and a 'pay back'.

I think the OP should help as much as she can without it impinging hugely on her life and also encourage her parents to make use of taxis etc- they don't sound as if they are completely incapacitated.

I don't believe that anyone owes their parents just for bringing them up. Children don't choose to be born and are entitled to be raised properly by the people who brought them into the world. If you do not want to be a parent, then don't have a baby!

My children owe me nothing. My Mum and PILs have always gone above and beyond. So we do now the favour can be returned.

Again you reap what you sow. Being a distant parent/grandparent is fine, but so is being a distant child in return.

alreadytaken are you the OP's Mum? Did you notice how the OP said these issues had remained unvoiced, her parents created this relationship.

You voiced my thought Chocolate

I think there's a lot of space between "doormat" and "fuck'em". Emergencies only help w occasional duty visits seems about right in this instance.

Oh wow, I could have written this. My mum has passed away and Im left with my dad. They were very local to me when my kids were growing up, yet very rarely baby sat, never had them for the night - but they had baby sitting services on tap when I was a child. And they weren't interested in looking after their parents. I already do a lot more for my dad and include him a lot more than he did for his parents. Yet I am plagued with guilt that he spends a lot of time on his own, he has no friends. I'm reading these replies with interest.

If they want a lift tell them to get a taxi,
If they need help with shopping then get it delivered,
If they need help with cleaning then get a cleaner,
If they need meals cooked, get a cook,
If they need care they can get a carer.

Problems solved as they can afford it.

Don't feel guilty one little bit.

@GirlRaisedinTheSouth

How about you fuck off with your lazy, ageist shite?

"The baby boomer generation will go down in history as the most entitled generation ever" Poverty amongst pensioners is rife (sorry to burst your bubble with inconvenient facts), but hey they are ALL middle class cruisers, amirite?

OP help or don't up to you. No doubt the taxpayer will step in, as ever.

I read OP and thought "Selfish parents raise selfish children" and reading many of the comments here hasn't changed my mind. Also, does nobody ever talk to each other? Just seethe inwardly and not actually say you need/want help?

Actually, OP is not so selfish because she at least is worrying about not offering help to her parents, when it wouldn't cost her much to do so. Help or not, don't live with resentment or regret. Hospital appointments, even 'routine' ones, can be frightening or a worry and sometimes people want somebody with them rather than just a lift there and back.

I am desperately looking forward to being a grandparent and hope to be able to help with regular childcare - I am a bit surprised how many people don't. However, I am aware of how lucky I was to have the choice of going back to work or being a SAHM, to be able to buy a house in my early 20s, to have student grants. Most of my friends seem to also feel lucky in these regards. I am also aware that I will find childcare much harder at 62 than I did at 30!

some parents know with hindsight they were rubbish parents. If they admit to this and ask for understanding or forgiveness it can go a long way

I agree, that would change things. When does that ever happen though?

@alreadytaken

Your post makes no sense. Your logic seems to be if you have kids your responsibility ends when they turn around 20. By that same logic your adult children have no responsibility to you. They didn't chose to be born and it's not their job to taxi you around. They chose not to offer any effort into the relationship at all for 20 odd years and seem to want OP to go above and beyond by rearranging her life to help now? You say OP is all take take take but that's what her parents were doing. They could have very easily helped OP out over the last decade or two but didn't bother. Now they expect OP to put herself out to help them. Sounds like they are the ones interested in taking and not giving. They can easily afford a taxi to the hospital.