Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

The baby boomer generation will go down in history as the most entitled generation ever.

^This.

I've only just had this conversation with DP. And I absolutely do not think the OP is being a spoiled child and its not tit for tat. Rather I think that, regardless of wanting to help or not, later on, when my or DPs parents are frail and elderly, we are just not going to be able to help.

I tentatively put out a suggestion to my DParents asking if my dad (retired) could some regular childcare in the summer holidays. Silence was the reply. Fine. This will mean I cannot up my working hours, will have to stay working lower paid jobs and will have to do so until my DC reach secondary school age. When I ever get the chance to get a decent job with more hours they may be at a part of their lives when they need care, which will be expected of me (not my brother because he's a boy obviously!) I will not be able to financially drop everything as and when they need.

Its not about being petty, its about logistically and financially being able to do it.

My parents are pretty amazing, don't get me wrong, they've given me a great deal and helped my through uni. But this generation have had advantages that mine have not, and we just wont be able to carry on in the vein our parents expect.

Its summed up when I had a hypothetical chat with my mum about work and potentially losing our house. She told me it would be alright because I could buy a caravan and put in her garden. She has a massive house with lots of spare bedrooms. Its the mentality of this generation; I don't think they even see it tbh.

I wouldn’t get involved in accompanying them to hospital visits. They can get cabs etc. The trouble is that one hospital visit expands to mean many more for blood tests, diagnostic tests, consultations etc over many months. A friend has been to 4 hospitals, had four painful diagnostic procedures and has still not started treatment 10 months later after having numerous outpatient appointments. I don’t think it’s tit for tat, more like they have one another so are not alone in the process. It’s not worth being resentful about the past but this is probably just the start of them needing help. They won’t be self-aware enough to realise that they themselves never helped anyone.

So they only raised housed and fed you for 18 years? Tit for tat then. I’d only go out of your way to help them out with things for 18 years, then quit.

YANBU. At All.

Why can his wife not accompany the father on his appts?

Marchin
The 'inconvenient fact' is that the baby boomers are the wealthiest generation in history. It hasn't done them any favours.

I wonder if it's worth you having a conversation with them, if only to get it off your chest. I don't mean a row or anything, keep it light, but maybe along the lines of "you know, you refused to ever help us with our children, despite being in a great position to, and I'm just wondering why you think you're entitled to ask for our help now?".

And, if you don't want to help them, remind them they can perfectly afford taxis etc.

And no. Don't EVER let them move in with you (why do you think that might even be a possibility??). I loved my Mum and I love my MIL but there's no way I would have had them to live with us.

Thankfully I am quite sure I'm not their parent - or the parent of any of the rest of the ungrateful spoilt children supporting them.

Not all parents are good parents - but I've no doubt the OP would have mentioned that if they were not. Bad parents sometimes seem to have better relationships with their children.

Relationships are 2 way - the child creates it too. Yet the OP has not mentioned one single thing they have ever done for their parents. Yes relationships are normally reciprocal - but apparently not if you are a parent. Mumsnet expects you to be a doormat for life but if you are sick and ask for a hospital lift that is totally unreasonable.

My generation did hospital lifts for acquaintances, for no return. On mumsnet many people think only of themselves - always me, me, me and how hard done by I am, never what can I give to make other's lives easier.

There’s a saying “you reap what you sow” so in my opinion YANBU. Where were they at the time you needed them most? In the cinema etc kicking up their heels and have a right good old time when you could have really used some help. Of course they aren’t obligated to help. It’s their choice. Just as it’s your choice now. They weren’t obligated and neither are you. They don’t get it all ways. They don’t get to never help out but then everyone has to help them out. Nope. Don’t think so. Tough cookies. They sat by and watched you struggle. That shows what type of people they are. I don’t care how many cinema trips etc I had booked up and paid for, if my kids ever called me and said I need help getting little Roger to the swimming pool, I’d be there without question and buying little Roger his lunch and taking him back to mine for a sleepover if needed. That’s what decent GPS do. I’m not a GP and I’d give anything to have grandkids and a family who wanted me involved and helping. They don’t now deserve a lot of running around from you. They put themselves first now you put yourself first.

alreadytaken You sounds lovely!

OP parents set up the relationships they expect from their children by their behaviour especially when their kids are teenagers and young adults.

If your parents did actually help you out as a teenager and young adult by doing such things as ferrying you around when you could take public transport then you are unreasonable not to help them out regardless of them refusing to help their grandchildren. This is because they only have a moral obligation to you not your children.

My parents and step-parents made it clear when they were alive they weren't going to help care for their grandchildren and didn't. On the other hand they had the excuse they had myself and some younger siblings who were all still teenagers to look after. When they needed some help before died they did get help mainly because they showed they weren't being selfish by their stance as they were looking after teenagers and young adults who weren't always biologically theirs.

BTW OP you could be describing my DM who passed last year, from the so-called Greatest Generation, but let's blame Boomers because it's fashionable and allows those in the southeast (and let's face it those outside commuter belt with jobs can still buy property) to take a pop at those they can rather than those that deserve it (inflation of property prices anyone - not caused by people just living in a house). She spent her retirement travelling and why the hell not? Didn't resent it for a second, helped her as much as I could at 70 miles away. She was my mum.
Meanwhile DS's STBXMiL gave shedloads of childcare, enabling her to have a career (mine stalled due to disabled child but was picked up later, my kids spent their childhood in secondhand clothes too and so bloody what) and DS can't stand her.
This apparently universal MN commercial mindset of "you get what you give, weigh it all up and distribute accordingly" not to mention giving a price to everything (6-12K on holidays - how do you know?) is deeply depressing.

Sorry - thought the thread was only 1 page

Difficult for you OP, but tell them how to arrange hospital transport. We had something similar with PILs who live 2 hours away. FIL called DH to say he couldn't drive himself to hospital (although he manages driving on their many day trips and holidays). I suggested using their local hospital transport, which I have used when unable to drive. They were not interested. DH took a day's leave to spend 4 hours driving to take FIL to hospital for a routine checkup. The hospital is less than 30 minutes away from FIL. I was pretty annoyed and AGAIN gave them the details of their local hospital transport, and backed up this time by DH, they now use this. Your parents' area must have similar, ours is run by Red Cross volunteers and is great. They pick you up and wait at the hospital if you want, then take you home. You pay a mileage fee. Other areas have free community transport. Present them with all this information, saying you are busy looking after your children.

My relationship with my children is unconditional rather than reciprocal. I think that is the way it should be.

I am desperately looking forward to being a grandparent and hope to be able to help with regular childcare - I am a bit surprised how many people don't

Well clearly you have never met someone like my own mother who also told me when I was a teen not to expect her to look after any children I went onto have.

I never went into parenting expecting regular childcare. I solely wanted their emotional support and I did not get that.

I stopped asking her in the end about the school plays and sports days because she never wanted to attend them either. She had her own life to lead and she did just that. My dad used to drive her past my road to get to my brother's house to clean it (he being single and without dependents).

Woah! There are WAY more replies than I expected, I’ll read though later.

A few ones, they were decent parents but not effusive. I never did an extra-curricular activity for example and they went out a fair bit for example, but I was cared for and needs met.

It’s not just pettiness, I actually feel a bit grumpy tbh.

Drip feeding, but I also have a dc with SEN I care for so I’m not foot loose and fancy free, and my youngest is still young (big age gap).

There affluence is high, think no mortgage, house plus a million and taking home around 80k still?

@alreadytaken

Relationships are reciprocal. Once you become an adult the parent-child relationship is usually an exchange of help two ways. The person who has more money or more time is usually willing to give it to help out. OP seemed to want her parents to have a close relationship with their grandchildren. Her parents couldn't be bothered. Her parents could have helped her out financially and with small amounts of childcare with very little inconvenience to themselves but didn't bother. This is going to affect your relationship. It shows a complete lack of care. To now expect OP to go above and beyond in her care for them is very selfish of her parents.

As I said earlier everyone is different. I cant imagine not helping and being involved with my lovely grandchildren, but just like my patents didnt, I wouldnt assume my children will feel the same about their grandchildren.

Argh, new drip feed, I did support DHs mum for a period living here. She did things to her capacity, not loads, but what she could and her attitude was positive

You reap what you sow. From the examples given it sounds like your parents might not cross the road to piss on you if you were on fire. And the blind selfishness that they had help from their parents which they didn’t return either...
I will help mine and dhs but they would all do as much as they could for us (not regular childcare while I work, I think that’s too much of an ask for grandparents unless they are begging to do it)

@Fafoutis

Meaning what? That it's ok to be resentful and jealous and blame them for everything you don't have, because they deserve it for being lucky (and that's all it is, and mainly for those who have property in the south east, not the majority in numerical terms)?
What a nasty mindset. I hope you really, really lay in to Lottery Winners, just be consistent.
You want some more inconvenient facts? Speak to Age UK. Except you won't because your mind is made up.

My DPs are the victim of my golden child DSIS. They even moved to be around for her for regular childcare etc. I’ve never asked as it was made clear they were too busy supporting her.

Now they need help and she is still too busy with the career they helped her to achieve. So I step in despite being in worse health than they are.

Agree with previous posters who say it’s all down to personalities. I’ve always been independent, haven’t asked for or had any help but will be there when the DPs need me despite struggling with my own mobility (they are devastated for me but aren’t in a physical position to help me).

DSIS is still expecting them to offer help and support when it’s obvious they aren’t capable and refuses to acknowledge that they aren’t up to it. She has had all the help and support but can’t give any back because it’s not in her, she’s a one way street. But will give her time to community activities as it makes her look good.

In your position OP I would let them get on with it, just don’t expect anything when they are gone.

And of course the rise in dual income households in the 70s and 80s. Let's get women back in the kitchen, that should even things up a bit.