Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

I genuinely don't understand people who want or need help from family. It's your choice to have a family so should suck that up really. This isn't a dig at you OP but I've just never once expected help from anyone. I want my kids to know their grandparents and see them regularly but this doesn't need to be in the form of "help" . On the flip side I also don't think you should be expected to help parents and shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to.

ALL the relationships go both ways or should be.

I never expected any of the GP to sort out my childcare, all I wanted was for them to have a relationship with their GC.

FIL and stepMIL have bowed out, zero interest in our kids, loads of visits, trips, sleepovers for stepMIL’s DC and DGC. We’re NC for this very reason and stepMIL is spitting out feathers “what have we done”. Nothing, you’ve done precisely fuck all and that’s how we reciprocate.

MIL and stepFIL- fabulous relationship with our DC, occasionally babysitting for an hour to let me go do foodshopping alone.

I think most of this resentment stems from lack of work to build an relationship yet expecting the benefits of one in return. I’m afraid it doesn’t work this way and “you reap what you sow” reflects that.

Nah OP you’re not being petty. Fuck them.

As someone who lost a beloved parent in the last 18 months I’m glad I was able to help out despite the fact they never provided free childcare for me - I think it’s sad to base whether you help your parents or not on this basis

I think use of taxis should be encouraged since they can obviously afford it. I think reluctance to use taxis may be a generational thing. I also think you need to try and work through your resentment and guilt so that you can do what you think is reasonable, but it's hard because watching elderly parents decline is an emotional wrench IME.

I can’t understand how can you stand and watch your family struggling and not to help, even make some derogatory comments, yet expect help in time of need. Extremely selfish.

I think you would love to be able to accept that your resentment was unjust, because then you would be free of it. Take the plunge! Give up this poisonous emotion. Resentment is way more burdensome to cope with than childcare.

That’s sanctimonious bollocks.

Your resentment seems completely unreasonable to me. Why would your decision to have children involve them in a commitment to provide childcare?

OP doesn’t seem overly resentful about that (though their selfishness is quite startling, and would inevitably have affected any relationship where reciprocal effort and support are a factor).

The resentment comes when despite the selfishness they expect help and support, because it becomes clear that their selfishness wasn’t just how they expected adult family members to behave to each other - they expect more of OP than they were willing to give.

Ultimately, my husband and I found this clarity from my PIL freed us (and particularly him) from guilt. We only ever asked for help twice, both times when we were quite desperate and there were serious potential ramifications. We were politely declined, because they did not fancy it and it was a hassle. They were absent at all times we might have needed practical or emotional support - the birth of my second child (my eldest went to friends instead), when my youngest needed surgery (same friends came through again).

So when FIL was unwell and they demanded he take time off once a fortnight to drive him to and from hospital (a 6 hour round trip to their place from ours), we politely declined, and equally politely declined to feel guilty about it.

People who relentlessly prioritise themselves can’t expect others to prioritise them as well.

All I'd say is follow your conscience.

We are all a long time dead.

You don't say how old your parents are now but what you need to accept is that they will become more needy so you a) need a plan and b) once they are dead you need to feel guilt-free.

I don't think there is any right or wrong here.

You can treat them as they treated you your own children will witness that- and it will be a life lesson to them.

Do we return love and care only in equal measure to how it was given? Or can you be a 'better' human being and do what is right to help your fellow humans?

Discuss.

(Yes, I know...we are!)

Think on....

Nothing the OP wrote indicates that she wanted her parents to always put her needs before theirs mrsm43s. It sounds like they never put her needs or their grandchildren's needs as even close to their needs never mind ahead. If they made a decision that adults don't get or need help then its not unexpected that their adult child makes the same decision about their parents who haven't been involved in her life because of their own choices.

No criticism from me, I feel the same about my parents as well. My mother also told me (like another respondent who wrote similarly) and long before I became a parent that she would not want to look after any children I went onto have - and she has indeed stuck to her word on this. I would imagine this other person will stick to her guns too.

I became a stay at home mother. My job no longer existed (place closed down) but I would not have gone back to work there anyway. Over the years I engaged the use of the agency sitters so that my H and I could go out to the cinema and or have a meal out now and again. I stopped asking my parents if they wanted to go to see their grandchild perform at sports day or at the Christmas play after receiving a flat no. My mother spent a lot of her days at that time cleaning my brother's house (he is single and without any dependents) instead.

I was trusted i.e. left to get on with it because their obligation to me stopped upon reaching the age of 18. They had done their parenting and they wanted to enjoy the fruits of my dad's labours.

Twenty or so years on from that time, my son is now a full time working adult. My son barely knows his maternal grandparents. My relationship with my parents is very damaged by their sense of entitlement and lack of overall emotional support out of their own selfishness (this mainly) and my opinion now is that they can get on with it. They reap what they sow.

I think there is a real difference between not wanting to provide childcare and having no interest in your GC at all, which is sadly what the OP seems to be experiencing.

I dont think the GP should feel obligated to change their lifestyle to accommodate working parents ( although both sets of GP have done for us, which we are always grateful for ) However to have your parents have little to no interest in your DC must be heartbreaking and it would definitely affect my view on helping them out or taking an interest in what is happening in their lives as they became older.

No one I know in rl had financial help from their parents, or practical help apart from very, very occasional babysitting. My mum has a lot of grandchildren and if I am honest has very little interest in any of them. That does not stop me and my sisters from caring for her now that she is elderly. We love her, it's a no brainer. I also think it sets a good example to our children, life is about helping other people that need it, especially the people closest to you. I have an older brother with mental health issues. He was horrible to me growing up, but I have him for dinner regularly and include him in family occasions. He needs support and he is my brother. I would hope that my DC help each other when they grow up, but they won't if it's not their 'normal'. Op you have to do what's right for your family, I wouldn't flame anyone for their choices but you asked for opinions and that's mine.

I’m sorry to hear that, timeforachange68.

I lost a beloved parent when I was 30 (five years ago). She never provided childcare either as I hadn’t even conceived dc1 at that point.

I also cared for her and was glad I could.

But I can appreciate that this is not what is happening with the op and her parents. They don’t sound like ‘beloved’ or loving parents at all. It’s completely different. My mum died suddenly and in pretty tragic circumstances, so I know how it feels to wish you’d appreciated her more when she was alive. But, I can still empathise with other people when they say they don’t have a good relationship with their parents, as the op does not.

Agree with so many posts and glad you have sympathy.

I've tried so hard to encourage my mother, now 80, to bond with the DC over the years, even encouraging her to move nearby. But no. She just wants access to ME, and I can't bear her. She did however say recently that once the DC have left home she will move near me, so I can look after her. I told her very clearly that if she does that, I will move house. WTAF?

Newbie1981 - and that’s why it’s all falling apart. We are now paying out of taxed income for things that used to be given freely with love

I genuinely don't understand people who want or need help from family. It's your choice to have a family so should suck that up really.

I don't understand people who wouldn't help their family. If I was spending 12k a year on holidays I would be more than happy to throw a few thousand to my child if it would make a huge difference to their family life. It's incredibly confusing to me that anyone wouldn't just do this to help out the people they love.

No I wouldn’t help them out either. I have grandkids who I’m very involved with. I more or less never refuse help when my daughter needs it, same with older daughters, I helped them all equally with their kids when they were younger too.But I never really saw it as a chore., I enjoyed them all. To me, you can’t put a price on that moment when your dgs hugs you tight and tells you “you’re the best nana in the world”. Worth far more to me than fancy holidays.

But we’re all different I suppose, but I certainly wouldn’t feel any guilt Op. Imo “you get out what you put in”, they haven’t “put in”, so should expect to get back the same.

Good for you girl! I'm absolutely with you with regards to reap what you sow. Let the miserable old sods get taxis and have to do everything for themselves as they always have. Remember you've got a family to raise ahem with no help! You haven't the time to help anyone else

Do we return love and care only in equal measure to how it was given? Or can you be a 'better' human being and do what is right to help your fellow humans?

This overlooks the psychology of the child-parent relationship. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to stop needing approval from your parents. We do not have a clear perspective on the relationship from inside it. It's is the classic fear, obligation, guilt thing.

Bizarre

Me and my Grandmother had a conversation last week, about how parenting never ends. My Dad is 56, has children and Grandchildren of his own, but my Grandmother still worried about him and helps him out where she can, whether it’s advice or a cuddle or money or whatever.

My Dad lives around 200 miles away. FaceTimes me and DC weekly, texts once or twice a week. During the half terms, he has DNephews for the week, during Easter and the summer holidays he has my DC (he has both sets of GC the same amount of time just at different times of the year).

Last year I was upping sticks and moving to a different City to start my degree. He couldn’t help financially but he had my DC for an additional week to give me time to get everything unpacked etc.

My Grandmother couldn’t help physically but she helped financially. My own mother has zero interest in me and so she’s always more invested in me than usual I suppose.

So whatever help my Grandmother or my Dad need, they’ll get.

My mother and her side? I’d piss myself laughing if she ever asked me for help. She can’t even name my DC. And I would not feel guilty for a second either.

Do we return love and care only in equal measure to how it was given? Or can you be a 'better' human being and do what is right to help your fellow humans?

No but the amount of loveland care given does reflect and affect the relationship between two people. It's very hard to continue loving and caring for someone who goes decades without showing any love or care for you in return.

It would be a completely different story if OP's parents couldn't help her out because they had no spare cash or were still working or lived far away or were in poor health. The fact is they could have easily helped her out with very little inconvenience to themselves but they chose not to. This illustrates a lack of one and care for OP. It's almost impossible for this not to affect how you feel about your parents and the degree to which you're willing to show love and care for them in return.

Mrs would you really go on several holidays each year, costing £12k, while your kids didn't even have £1k for a car, knowing that it would make all the difference to their lives?

My kids are mine for life. I don't stop being a parent when they reach 18. I will always help them. I benefitted from a lot of parental support and will do what I can for both my parents and my DC.

I think there's room for parents to have nice retirements and enjoy their money while also helping out their own kids. It's not a huge sacrifice to do a bit of babysitting or maybe have a slightly cheaper holiday and help out your struggling kids.

Your children are watching and learning from from you. Whether you choose to be kind or unkind they’ll be watching.

YANBU-

If they get used to you taxi-ing etc they will expect more and more...I'd just gently suggest alternatives such as hospital transport or taxis. they have each other also. Mine are kind of similar but apart so a bit more challenging.

But what i have noticed is if you do stand back, they tend to find other support! let them get used to it being their responsibility to look after themselves, just as it has been yours to look after yourself and family.