Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

I wonder though what mumsnetters with their own children will do differently given yesterday I was called controlling for wanting to offer assistance to my children with their children should they have them. Is the fuck em attitude now so ingrained it isn’t reversible and we’ll all be worse off for it financially and emotionally

The real issue will be with the children of the next generation (the OP’s children). They really will stand to inherit nothing, even if their parents were home owners, because average pension income will be so much smaller, mainly as a result of the huge cuts to public sector pensions in 2013, and there will be no ‘housing windfall’. A double whammy

I really worry for my dcs. Climate change has got to be the biggest problem any of us has faced, including BBS, and my dcs will be worst hit.

The thought of “leaving them to it” when I CHOSE to have them, because “I’ve done my child rearing”? It makes me angry to even contemplate that. I would never do it. I had the children. The planet and society is a little bit fucked. I will never leave them to it so I can go on me hols.

Figmentofmyimagination - that’s not actually true. My kids have a house each planned for them and will inherit the main home too. I know friends of mine are currently doing very nicely inheriting from grandparents 1/3 of a £300,000 property plus their parents money to come on top of the family home in a divorce. Alright for some.

I was called controlling for wanting to offer assistance to my children with their children should they have them

Are you sure that’s how it happened? If it is, that person is ridiculous.

To say, “People of this age all have these characteristics”, is very offensive and othering. People are individuals

Nobody said that. It is a general characteristic of that generation, of course all won't share it.

I agree that the Baby Boomer generation is extraordinarily entitled and doesn’t understand inter generational reciprocity.
There are people in every generation who are selfish and entitled. It's nothing to do with being a Baby Boomer. There are plenty of kind and generous BBs as well. To me, this classification is yet another attempt by politicians and newspapers to create false divisions among "people" - like the term snowflake. There're plenty of BBs living in poverty and or helping their children, just as there are plenty of capable Millennials.

I moved too far away from parents to have help (my choice), and we manage, as do many friends who moved/parents have died.

Equally my parents manage to get to their own hospital appointments etc.

Yes, it would be nice to have help, it would make things easier, but if you don't have any expectations of help, you manage fine.
I think it's great that my parents go off on holidays by the way - they couldn't while we were small, so its nice to see them enjoying retirement.

It is fine if you do not drop everything to help them, they defined the relationship they were expecting with you.

The danger of doing a "one-off" now and helping with an occasional lift, is that you see it as occasional, but your DF may well come to believe he has a "right" to it. So that is imo tricky. I think you should either make very very clear that it is just this once, or do something like drive him there, but tell him to get a cab back. If you find it difficult to speak directly about things like this, then dont be available, dont explain why, just make it clear you have other plans.

Now is the time to set out your position for the future, or you may well end up being guilted and drawn in to giving more commitment that you want, especially as they get older. Don't let anyone get expectations.

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse - yes that was exactly it and maybe my children wouldn’t want to leave their children with me or going on holiday with me - they don’t seem to mind at the moment 😂

at that person liverpool.

It’s funny isn’t it. I imagine some of the people who are fortunate enough to have input from gps do not realise how lucky they are. These are probably the ones complaining about how controlling it is to offer to look after your gcs .

I remember someone ranting about how lucky stay at home mums were when she had to work full time. It turned out she got free regular childcare from her parents. I pointed out that like many people who are sahms, I was offered a really interesting job that I simply couldn’t afford to take, as, once commute costs and childcare for two preschool aged children were paid, we would be losing money as a family if I went to work.

The Babyboomers are the ones who use the term 'snowflake'. It is part of their world view, and how they justify their position.

The media are not reporting on how grandparents do not bother with grandchildren. I haven't seen it anywhere.

You reap what you sow.

I couldn't agree more OP. I haven't read the thread as I can't be bothered reading post after post telling you how entitled you are.

My parents didn't pay for childcare from when I was 7 years old. I did it. I looked after myself and my younger sister. That was every working day and at least one night to the early hours every week. I did all the every day housework - hoovering, polishing, general tidying, wiping down kitchen sides, bed changing, bathroom cleaning, preparing vegetables for dinner, took my sister to school, picked her up. My parents have occasionally babysat for me but were begrudging and po-faced about it. My Dad ripped into me like I was a child because I was a couple of hours late back one time when I was ill. I was told on here that what I did as a child and teenager to contribute to my family is just what families do then in the next breath told how selfish I was for expecting any help from my parents and daring to come back late because I was ill. So frankly I think many MNetters have really weird ideas about what being a family means and how much support you might reasonably hope for.

My in laws don't want to help us, it's a complete chore to watch DC for an hour, so I won't be supporting them.

My parents on the other hand do as much as they possibly can. They will be getting as much help from me as they need.

Regardless of what generation they are, some people will always be selfish - whatever some people like to think it's not just a Boomer thing. I know plenty of boomers, inc. me and dh, who have always helped a lot, both financially and with childcare. But then I also have a SiL who made it clear from the word go that she wouldn't be doing any childcare for her own dd.

I don't think the OP is being at all U. If parents can easily afford cabs or other help, they shouldn't be asking children with kids and busy lives of their own. If it were me, maybe I'd give the occasional lift, so that it doesn't become (in their eyes) a matter of principle and therefore maybe the cause of a serious rift - but otherwise make it clear that generally I will be too tied up.

I know from experience (of tight, selfish old pre-boomer!) people, that some people really hate shelling out for care etc., however well they can afford it - if they can get any mug to do it for free - they just have to learn to put their hands in their pockets.

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse - totally agree.

When 2008 my mother who was given a 40% discount on her council house which she bought, then sold at an additional profit in 2002 when the world went mad to make her mortgage free at 42 having been on the dole most of her life, even when living with my step father and claimed child benefit for a child who lived in the USA with its dad, thought it was perfectly acceptable that we should have to sell our kids home and move into rented rather than anyone give us a couple of grand to tide us over. Thank fuck fil came to the rescue but I suspect that was to avoid us landing on his doorstep again as ex had previously lived with him 😂

The Babyboomers are the ones who use the term 'snowflake'. It is part of their world view, and how they justify their position.
Some BBs use the term snowflake, and some snowflakes use the term BB. I'm saying neither are appropriate, and it just leads to divisions. Most BBs I know help with the grandchildren, DIY and money, and certainly don't use the word snowflake. The young couple next door actually had their home bought for them by her dad! However, if you read the papers, you see this division all the time!

When ex lost his job in 2008 that should have said.

The media are not reporting on how grandparents do not bother with grandchildren. I haven't seen it anywhere. I agree I haven't read many stories like this one in the media - yet it's clear that it's not an unusual occurrence.

No flaming from me. My parents are not around, but MIL is 3 miles away and my kids have never been to her house. She couldn’t be less interested. Have arranged for her to babysit twice in 12 years, and both times she let us down last minute so we no longer ask.
She is 80 now, has a few health/mobility issues and is becoming more reliant on DH daily.

We are moving 300 miles away. No guilt. You reap what you sow.

Babyboomer is the name given to a generation (just like generation X), 'snowflake' is a term of abuse. Those are very different things.
If you want to get on with, and understand, the younger generation do not call them names.

I can’t understand parents not wanting to help their children even when they are adults.
I don’t think it teaches them how to cope on their own or manage their finances or time it just teaches them that some people - your own parents are mean spirited.
I would help a friend out with emergency cash or childcare if I could and not expect anything in return so I would 100% do it for my family.

If I were you I wouldn’t help them at all if they haven’t done it for you.

You reap what you sow.

Couldn't agree more. Both mine and DH's parents are similar but I have an amazing aunt that I would do absolutely anything for.

There is something very bonding about being helped at difficult times in your life and feeling as though someone has your back. When people don't actively partake in your life it breeds indifference.

Yanbu op. My dad does help with chilcare so i will help him when he's old. However he is loaded with a big inheritance and won't help with a house deposit. He watches me struggle with zero hour contracts and blames me for not being able to keep a job with no idea that its the fault of the party HE voted for.
The fallout of this os that i dont like him as much as i could.his loss.

@coldfingered

But of a tangent, sorry, but do you take issue with the term baby boomer, or just people generalising about baby boomers?

Because snowflake is clearly meant to be derogatory whereas ‘BB’ is the same as ‘millenial’ or ‘gen x’ to me.