Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Cheers- I have ignored most the trolly types. It was something about the sneary veneer of being reasonable that irked me on that one.

Funnily, I was given that book last week... (!)

Be careful what you wish for.. I lost my dad and grandma in the space of a year. I'd give anything to be able to moan about their lack of babysitting.

Be careful what you wish for.. I lost my dad and grandma in the space of a year. I'd give anything to be able to moan about their lack of babysitting.

Oh God.

What do you actually think OP is wishing for?

I've lost my parents but it has never once occurred to me that I should now go around telling people - with actually very complex family relationships - that they must be grateful for anything they've got.

Another one who received very little help, despite the fact that my parents relied heavily on my grandparents (me and my brother practically lived at our grandparents house/or they were babysitting us), then when I needed help (including having pnd) my parents were nowhere to be seen, despite being fit and healthy, it was very much a case of 'I've done my bit.' which is quite laughable really and made it clear that they couldn't offer much help.

I look at all these people receiving help (quite extensively some of them) and I wonder to myself whether there is going to be favours called upon them...at least I don't have that issue as I rarely see my parents these days and they have done very little for me.

Be careful what you wish for.. I lost my dad and grandma in the space of a year. I'd give anything to be able to moan about their lack of babysitting.

There's always one. (And both my parents have died in the last three years.)

I had very little help when the kids were small as dad died and mum was elderly. I looked after mum for years as she was alone. My sibling by comparison had lots of help as she had her kids years and years before me, when mum and dad were still healthy. And when mum was elderly and alone, sibling was no where to be found.. Everything was left to me me.
You do what you can, I had good parents and I did my best for them in their final years. Sibling did as little as possible and would never give it a second thought.
C'est la vie.

I must throw a different spin on this.
My husband and I are 55. We have worked incredibly hard to be financially stable. We both had no parents supporting us financially or emotionally. We are both very empathetic, giving parents and have spent a fortune educating our children who are now both at uni.
The trouble is, we watched the children develop a sense of entitlement, lack of resilience, motivation and character. We realized too late that it was our tough upbringings that made us so determined and hard working. We have actually made the decision to "leave our children to it", so to speak, once they have finished uni. Both do not remain in touch and are living a very selfish life, as twenty year olds do, and we know it is natural at that age. It is obvious that they are not going to make sacrifices like we did and that is totally their choice, BUT - they must then not be expecting us to finance them. We have given a LOT in terms of our time and money, and really, at 56, we are now toward the end of our years and feel it is time for us live a little. That being said, we would not allow a family member to suffer. We would still help with securing a property AS LONG as we can see that there is TRUE effort being made to help themselves. Our job is to leave self-sufficient children who could cope. I would help with grandchildren and look forward to that, as long as I this was not being taken for granted. I do not see how you can begrudge them their money - it smacks of the sense of entitlement that is evident with youngsters today. It is not their fault that your house is smaller than theirs. HOWEVER, I do not understand the emotional distance. No money can ever replace the loyalty and commitment of family and the sheer pleasure of family, that requires time only. This, I feel is their huge loss and I am left wondering whether their are relationship issues that have led to this "distancing"?

at 56, we are now toward the end of our years and feel it is time for us live a little

Oh give over, I am in my 50s and certainly don't feel 'towards the end of my years' - I am in my prime! That phrase with the rest of your post does sound a bit 'poor little old me' self pitying - which may explain why your adult kids don't choose to hang out with you too much.

As Paul & John would say, in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.

56 is 'towards the end of your years'? Fuck-a-doodle-do, DH needs to get on with buying that funeral plot, and i need to tell him he's done for.

tbh I'd think about what sort of example you want to set for your kids - and I'd have a certain amount of self- interest in the back of my mind.

So I'd probably help, partly because of that and partly because of a sense of duty, but I don't think I'd feel much warmth.

Well you can nitpick about a phrase or try and see an alternative view point.
Spiraling into swearing and sarcasm is hardly contributing to discussion, but there are many of your type on the net. At 56, having put our money into our children, having no pension and possibly 15 years of working life left to secure our future, is what I meant. We don't have GP who can help us out - financially or with care. BESIDES......both my husband and I had parents who died young due to cancer. A long life is certainly not guaranteed for all.
I don't see pity in my post. The fact is that you misread it horribly, and used it to attack rather than think. I see life is what it is. You can either begrudge others around you, or take responsibility for securing what you want. No one owes you their money. Funny how you do not see the important messages of how important family and supporting family is but zoom in on the negative. The sadness for me in this post is the fact that GP are not enjoying their grandchildren.
Have put my opinion across, so don't expect any further reactions to your negativity or nastiness.

@TheNavigator - you know NOTHING about my relationship with my children. You are trying to hit a sensitive point for any mother. Sorry, your provocation just makes announcement about YOUR character.

you know NOTHING about my relationship with my children well we KNOW what you just TOLD us

mothersmatter you were the one who said your adult children do not remain in touch - I was just pointing out the tone of your post could give a clue to part of the reason for this. I am sorry if I hit a sensitive point for you as a mother, but I find in relationships we do often get what we give - and that is nothing to do with money, by the way. I am talking about what money can't buy, which includes a loving relationship with your adult children. Which for me, personally, is beyond price.

*at 56, we are now toward the end of our years and feel it is time for us live a little

Oh give over, I am in my 50s and certainly don't feel 'towards the end of my years' - I am in my prime!*

Well, you are lucky! I am nearly 60, and I cannot count how many women around me have had breast cancer (two died), another who died of lymphoma; two uni friends who have had quadruple bypasses (one ended up in ITU in a coma for a week), DH has severe coronary artery disease, BIL died of pneumonia due to leukaemia, SIL has had 2 melanomas removed (with more tumours elsewhere) and DH’s close uni friend has terminal prostate cancer.....DH’s family has a history of high cholesterol and early heart disease.

The fact is we see friends, family and clients within 7 years of our age either way, dying from heart attacks and cancer!

WallyWobbles - A different thread pointed out that the twighlight years are likely to be many times longer than the childcare years.

My DM started needing bits and bobs of care 20 years ago now, she's now early 90s, and it's just got more and more every year. My DS has grown up in that time.

We were never close emotionally, very different personalities plus she was too busy coping with my abusive dad in my childhood.

I got made redundant once and her first words were, 'oh you can take me around the world to see some relatives.' I did this, not particularly willingly.

Since then it's got more and more and tbh sometimes I wish I lived a long way away, but on the other hand she's a very sweet and vulnerable lady so I just ended up doing it. Maybe when it's just the one parent it's harder to say no. My mum also can afford taxis but prefers a lift from me. Now she can't go out alone.
I don't mean to be nasty but I don't want to visit her every weekend, I work full time. But I end up doing it as she's very lonely. It's actually nice if I am zen about it.

Anyway, OP, YADNBU. Keep strong boundaries as your parents are often old for a long time. They also have each other, which lessens any potential guilt for you.

At 56, having put our money into our children, having no pension and possibly 15 years of working life left to secure our future, is what I meant. No pension at 56 must be very worrying indeed - you said you spent an absolute fortune educating your kids - did you send them to private school and neglect to take care of your own future? Sorry if I've misread but a few parenst on here have talked about almost doing too much for their kids...and I wonder how it affects the relationship when this happens?

Every relationship is different backintime, surely you know that???

And isn’t the difference in relationships the whole point of this thread - expectations not being met and the impact that clearly has on the future of your relationship,

I cannot stand when people go on about ‘being the bigger person, What a crock of shit
This is just a method of keeping women under control.

I have seen the opposite side. Adult children economically exploiting elderly and often frail parents. The worst case I heard was a widowed man whose son said to come and live with his family. He sold his house and gave his money to his son to buy a bigger house for then all to share. Two years later his son threw him out. He was living in a hostel in one tiny room, as it was all he could afford, and was surprisingly zen about it all.

Surprisingly zen???
More like had the emotional stuffing knocked out him.

But they raised you! Why should they

You have to be strong though. I don't think much of parents who wouldnt help their children. They don't deserve help when the wheel turns.

I cannot stand when people go on about ‘being the bigger person, What a crock of shit
Yeah and if someone has been a cunt to you and you are the ‘better person’ they don’t think wow how nice it just means you are even more of a pushover.