Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Thank you GirlRaisedInTheSouth. That was very kind of you to reply again. I do try to do the best I can, as I am in no doubt you do too. I do hope that things improve for you soon.

@busymomtoone I’ve answered all that already

HRTFT.

YANBU.

OP, I could have written your post. DF and DSM are enjoying a non stop holiday / party of a retirement. Winters in the Caribbean, private islands with butlers. They have a house with 6 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms and a swimming pool.

They have babysit my children I think twice in 10 years. They do exactly what they please and have never made time for us. They are just reaching the age where their health is starting to go. I look at them and think, we hardly know you and your grandchildren hardly know you. Don't think we'll be rallying round.

I have one sister who is DSM's real daughter who is the golden child, who was invited on all the fabulous holidays and has her own room in the family home. She can do it. She's had the benefit of being included, she can do the duty.

I’m not a @busymomtoone, I’m a actually busy mum to 5. My eldest is on the cusp of starting a family, and I will play a role very happily and have told her so. Younger ones are at home, I also do the usual taxing etc. I’m happy putting in effort for others, and I’m not doing nothing.

Further, I’ve discussed about not being a burden for 18 years. I think you and others are projecting your experiences. I never remember a lift or ‘taxi’. I did a shit ton of childcare from age 10, I collected from school, I cooked meals from pre-teens and I want looking around being served. I feel I out back a lot and left home in an even keel not really owing, unless you see being born at all as owing. I worked hard, I was happy enough, but it annoys me this ‘cf’ business projected this pampered and served upon existence.

Actually if they did move in on the terms of my teens it would be ok, provided child for my youngest/ GC daily, cooked meals, did a lions share of housework, never needed a lift and walked everywhere I’d welcome it...

Excuse the appalling grammar in that... multitasking

I mean, if people can’t be bothered to read the thread that’s one thing - it is massive so I understand.

But at least read the op’s posts properly before dishing out judgements.

Op, tbh, I’d hide this now. Most of what is being said has been covered several times within the thread, if people would care to read it. You are not being a bad person by not asking them to move in with you, asking your dad to take a cab while he’s temporarily unable to drive and for not wishing to totally rearrange your life to become their carer. I seriously doubt all of the oh so proud of themselves, self proclaimed super carers on here have done these things for their parents; ask them to move in, rearrange their lives completely, never asked their parents to take a cab instead of giving them a lift.

And, as has been said, your parents were legally obligated to care for you till you became an adult. They do not get prizes for that and you do not owe them anything beyond what you’ve already said you will do; remain civil and in contact and do what you can to help - she has not said she’s going to leave them to die in a ditch.

@skatergrrrl this^^ is not to you btw. I know you haven’t read the thread, but at least you have read the op and are trying to sympathise with her, instead of having a nasty dig at her like some weirdos on here .

I’m bowing out now too. It was a really interesting thread at points. I just wish people wouldn’t rock up really late with a strong, unpleasant opinion without reading first.

*@busymomtoone*read the OP's posts, you've embarrassed yourself!

@AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse l just about slip into the millennial age bracket. But haven’t lived at home for 20 years, own a property but drive an 8 year old car. Have an apple iPhone that most people think is ancient. Might get a last minute deal holiday this year if l am lucky but might not. Rarely go out at the weekend, often work extra hours at the weekend for work. All very strange 🤔

YANBU. They have chosen to put themselves first consistently over many, many years when you and the children could really have benefited from their support/ time in any way. As a result you now don't feel bonded to them.

As I read the OP, it has nothing to do with free childcare or not offering you their life savings to fund your family life but with their general selfishness and lack of time and care they have put into nurturing the relationship. They also don't seem to have been very nurturing parents either and expected a lot from the OP as a child.
It's only natural that the OP doesn't feel like putting herself out for them now. Relationships, including family ones, need to be two sided with give on both sides.

I definitely wouldn't be a taxi service for them OP, certainly not while you still have a full time job and children at home whom you are responsible for. You can still maintain a polite relationship with them when you do see them, just as they have with you, and sign post them to help when they need it.

This is such a tricky issue. It is hard to know the right thing to do.
We have similar - one of my parents has had ongoing issues for the past 20 years relating to alcohol abuse, mental health problems and then subsequent poor health with an incredible number of medical emergencies along the way. This has dominated all our lives for so long. During these years I met my husband, got married, had dc, tried to maintain and progress a career with the constant pull of very complex and difficult family needs in the background.

Over the years I have given enormous amounts of support to both parents both moral and physical and I actually feel really really depleted tbh. One parent has just turned 70 and the other is early 70's. Still 'young' but both utterly obsessed with health and hospital appointments and it has become their lives.

I live 3 hours away and work full time. It's hard to visit more than once a month due to dc's school & activities (now teen) and extended family end up doing a lot for them. I feel they ought to be doing a lot more for themselves but one parent in particular LOVES the attention of everyone running around after them and ferrying them both to every appointment etc.

I do what I can, when I can but to be totally honest I go though the motions and I feel very removed and distant emotionally. I am worn out from it all - every phone call is a reguritation of that weeks ailments and every visit the same stuff is repeated ad nauseum. I am very jealous of friends whose families are more 'normal'

When I said I had 'similar'I know that the OP's parents are very different, I meant similar in so far as feeling torn about care in old age..

They sound like people who can afford taxis. They probably were already using them when the kind who uses taxi when young and working, - while we all, at the same age, were rammed into a crowded bus. or sat in a traffic despairing at petrol costs. Be verbally nice, but do little, that's what I'd say. I'm probably not a "bigger person", but self-respect matters to me and if you feel you've been neglected yet you help them, you might feel used, and that will only make you feel even worse. Then again, I might be wrong.

#keeg. Fair dos - apology for not reading ( all 33 pages!!) of post which would have given clearer pic. I don’t think it’s relevant how many kids you ( chose to) have - but certainly relevant that you “ never” remember being given lifts by your parents, were a self sufficient teen and cooked all your meals/ cared for your younger siblings. In that case I can completely understand that you feel less inclined to “ give back”. You obviously parent your own children in a far more nurturing manner , but if your parents weren’t particularly hands on with you I’m surprised that you had any expectation of them being any different with your dc. My personal opinion would be that it makes you the bigger person to help if they need it, but can certainly understand more why you would be disinclined to!

brilliant, busymum, you couldnt be arsed to read or try to understand the ops point of view but thought it was very important to quickly tell her shes: a mean cf, selfish, self- obsessed and uncaring

wow.

why dont you try to be the "bigger person" eh?

Yanbu. My dad is very much the same and when he's older I won't be looking after him! My sister was temporarily homeless with her 3 children and rather than let them stay with him in his 3 bed house that is a 30 second walk away from the children's school he refused saying 'I've done my 16 years'

I said at the start of the thread they'll get what they invested. YANBU. Why should you step in now, you'll have your own DGC to dote on, young children at home, this is your life.
Your not selfish at all.

I sympathise OP and in my view YANBU. I was fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with my parents who doted on all of their grandchildren and helped my siblings and me as much as they could with support and childcare for their grandkids. When my mum was ill I arranged with work to take the days off (unpaid) when she needed to go to Oncology. The salary sacrifice was hard but mum helped with petrol costs and stuff (my dad had passed by then). It wasn't that she couldn't afford a taxi but she was scared and wanted someone she loved and who loved her to be with her during her treatment sessions and I was happy to do this for her. My in-laws, however, have always been the same as your DPs so I do sympathise with the situation you find yourself in.

I would say that you will have to live with your conscience now and when they are no longer around so think carefully and try not to do something you might regret later.

@Helmetbymidnight

I picked out @busymomtoone not for not reading 33 pages, but not reading AND being amazingly self-righteous and sanctimonious. If you are going to judge-read. If you’re just exploring the OP or the concept, fair enough- skip it.

The point you also missed, I chose to be busy yes, but the point is I AM busy in a way that some (judgemental) people have no concept of. Despite being judgemental towards me. I do A LOT for a range of people, I’m not identifying myself as amazingly busy though. And it stood out as comical to me with your username! ‘Busy’. I bet if course you now have your wonderful parents living with you, fully supported by you? That’s what makes you busy?

I haven't read the thread, but I empathise with your position. I have slightly older-ish kids (13, 16) - I can't imagine not wanting to help them when their own kids come around.

(It was the cheeky fucker comment that sparked that rant, total cheek and arrogance)

She's busy being sanctimonious and self-righteous and sneery.

'The bigger person'/martyr complex is an extreme form of self-righteousness.

Feel guilt no more! I agree with getting hold of the 'The Art of Not Giving a Fuck' and also learning about FOG and how FOG conditions behaviour in women.

Will they cut you out of their "will" if you don't help - sounds shallow I know but worth considering.

Keeg - don't rise to the trolls just ignore them

Another vote for 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck' a truly excellent book which I think everyone should read. Its a far funnier, truthful and easier version of that "dont sweat the small stuff" book(s?) that were around twenty years ago.