Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Do your in-laws help out? It's only the last 20/30 years or so that more grandparents have helped out with childcare. I think they could of helped out on the odd occasion but maybe they couldn't face bringing up more children.

As someone who does everything she can for my grandson (I’m disabled and I’m disabled benefits) yet his other grandparents only do the “fun stuff” a few times a year (birthday, Christmas, maybe a day out in the school holidays); they both work hard, of course they do, but they find the time to go on foreign holidays twice a year, nights out every weekend and generally live in a hovel. I can sort of see where you’re coming from.
My dad was brought up by parents who told me to call them auntie and uncle, I never saw them, they never did anything for me or my parents and I grew up knowing one set of loving, caring grandparents whom I adored.
You don’t mention if this is the case for you, do your in-laws help out? Anyway, my point is, when my grandparents retired and needed help, my mum looked out for them (not after them, there’s a difference) helped with bills and arranging doctors appointments etc. When they needed to move to a bungalow (and later a flat when my grandad died) she oversaw the move and went to see them on her day off from work. See what I’m getting at? They hadn’t been there for us, but Mum didn’t even think about that, she had married my dad and they came as a part of that. When my grandad died, I went to the funeral but there were no tears shed, I didn’t hate him, (or my grandma) but it could have been the coal man’s funeral! My grandma moved into a flat at the back of us and I went to see her every week after that. We became close and when I had my girls, she would help me more than she and my grandad helped my parents; it was as if she was making up for them not being in mine and my brothers lives when they were younger and more able to.
So, what I would say is this, don’t do as they did with you, be a little more magnanimous and help out when you can in other words, don’t put yourself out for them, if you have something on, say you have and suggest a taxi, they can afford it. But, maybe your dad is a little scared? Have you thought about that? No-one likes hospital appointments (sorry, don’t know what the abbreviations you used are) maybe he feels the need for company of his daughter? Who knows, it may bring you closer? Maybe he wants to talk to you away from your mum? Ask! Ask
Why they all of a sudden want help from you when it hasn’t been exactly forthcoming from them to you. Haven’t you ever spoken to them about things, why they haven’t seen the need to help you when you struggled? Maybe they thought you were managing pretty well if you live in a good area, both working in well paid jobs etc. If you don’t open your mouth, they won’t know!
Maybe it’s an area thing, the old north/south divide, I’m getting the feeling that you’re down south somewhere!

It's only the last 20/30 years or so that more grandparents have helped out with childcare.

I'm not sure how true that is!
My own parents were practically brought up by their own Grandparents (1940s/50s).
Families lived closer to each other than they do now and saw each other regularly.

A different thread pointed out that the twighlight years are likely to be many times longer than the childcare years.

This generation could have their kids living with them til their 30s and their parents dépendant on them for 30 years too. With some overlap probably. A bit of a grim prospect really.

@Justasking, that's an awful story

I think the other point being missed is that the model of 1 person having compete caring responsibility over another really isn't a healthy or sustainable one

I’m sorry but I’m going to go against the grain here - did THEY have oodles of free chilcare help when you were little? We’re they good parents? If so , I’m sorry but I think you are being a really mean CF! They cared for you for 18 years - taxiing, nappy changing, meals, holidays and God knows what else. 18 years- possibly more. Now, because they wanted to enjoy a bit of rest and retirement you begrudge stepping in for what , a few hours, for what certainly won’t be anything like 18 years. I get it’s not fun ( I have cared for both my parents- neither of whom were involved grandparents) but I’m sorry, to me it seems you are being the very thing you accuse them of - selfish, self- obsessed and uncaring. Hope you are planning to sign up for full on grand parenting when you dc have kids or expect what goes around to come around.

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*k: The bestselling book everyone is talking about (A No Fcks Given Guide) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1784298468/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Q4zPCb2J1VQ2W?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

You might want to read this OP. It helps make you feel less guilty about people who don't really care about you but you feel obliged to care about them. It's not harsh; the key take out is don't be a dick.

My advice would be do what you want, what suits you and your family and your priorities. If the extra care fits in with that and you want to do it then do it. If it doesn't this book will help you stop doing stuff out of obligation. Don't tie yourself up in knots doing something for someone else who wouldn't do the same for you. Taxis are the obvious solution (& they can afford it) but all you need to say is sorry that's not convenient.

#Hannahmates exactly this - more gently and succinctly put than my comment but spot on!

i think its funny how nasty and snide some of the posts are by posters who expect you to fulfil your 'daughterly duty' to your selfish parents.

'don't be unkind they insist', and yet display no empathy, compassion or intelligence themselves.

actually its not funny- we all know these types of peoole in rl. i try and avoid them there too.

JustJayne1959, you sound absolutely lovely and your family are lucky to have you. I was referring to the generation, not individuals. There are always exceptions.

Hope you are planning to sign up for full on grand parenting when you dc have kids or expect what goes around to come around. I plan to - I know how difficult it was not having any support. People learn by experience - I learnt how not to parent like my parents, not to have a marriage like my parents and I will not grandparent like my parents. History did not repeat itself with me!

Well don't feel slighted if they don't leave any inheritance for you or your children. Is that really why people should help their parents/in laws? So they get their mitts on their cash?

I think everyone's circumstances are so different, any one of us can only comment on our own experiences.

And sweeping generalisations are rarely accurate and often resentful.

Yanbu

YANBU

There's nothing wrong with reminding people who are used to having a car that taxis exist.

Some people are happy to put family to endless trouble so they don't have to arrange or pay for a taxi.

If they want you along for comfort and support, I would go. If they simply think that you would love being a free taxi, say no.

My mother refuses to take a taxi because taxis are for people who are not cared about, if people cared they'd drop everything to ferry you around and she won't put up with that notion that she is not cared for and will create an almighty fuss to counter it.

If they want you along for comfort and support, I would go.

This is an important distinction. Sometimes people desperately need a family member to attend hospital appointments with them.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth
80sMum, there is no connection between the statements, I am merely pointing out how difficult it is for those of us who have no family support and have not been able to get on the property ladder

Thank you for replying. I was so surprised by your first comment and, to be honest, as someone from the baby boomers generation, I found it upsetting and hurtful.

I do understand how hard things must be for you. If you were my daughter, I would do whatever I could to help you out. I'm sorry that there is no-one there for you. That must be really tough.

I think what upsets me most about the sort of comment that you made is that you're accusing me of being a certain type of person (selfish, entitled etc) based purely on the date that I was born - a fact that I can do absolutely nothing to change. So no matter how much I struggled financially and practically myself as a young mother; no matter how kind I am, or how much I help my adult children, or how much of my life's savings I have gladly given away to them to help them buy their homes, I am nonetheless selfish and entitled because I am 61 and for no other reason?

Do you see what I'm getting at and how unfair your commitment was? If you were to say that "all black people are entitled" or "everyone whose feet are size 7 is entitled" it's more obvious that the statement is nonsense.

I really feel for you! It is entirely your decision. I would help them if it the timings fit in with your own family's needs. If, for example, your dad wants a lift to the hospital and it is during rush hour (or your family need you to be elsewhere, then you could gently and calmly suggest he gets a bus or a taxi, or ask him whether a neighbour/friend could drive him. I have seen in some hospitals they do have 'friends' on site who may be able to help? If you offer some help, when you can, it may help with your relationship with them. You may need to explain to them what you can and cannot do. Tricky I know!!

I would be telling them to fuck off also, they seem to think its their given right,

YANBU, OP.

When I take my parents to hospital appointments, I often drive to their house, and we all take a taxi together.

Parking at hospitals can be a real problem. A taxi can get you up much closer if they can't walk far.

@80sMum, I absolutely agree and I'm not a 'baby boomer' myself.

I am so sorry 80sMum. I feel awful that I upset you. Truly. You do sound lovely, as do a lot of the Baby Boomer GPS on here.

You resent them a bit now and I think that is understandable. If you grit your teeth and help out to "be the bigger person" will that make you feel good or resent them even more? No point being the bigger person if it going to eat you up inside.

Will you have to take time off work/drop a family commitment to take your DF to the hospital or are you free? If the former then just say sorry but I'm busy you'll have to take a cab. If you are free do you want to/will it be a huge hassle/will you resent it? If you do take him take him on your own terms - eg I'll drop you off and then go into town and do some errands etc and then come back and pick you up in a couple of hours - text me if you're overrunning and go and sit in the cafe if you're early type arrangement. Make it clear from the start that help is on your terms not theirs and if they don't like it then they can find an alternative.

I realise I'm not the bigger person but I'd be sorely tempted to say I couldn't take them as I want to go to the cinema.........................