Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

It's also not always a good thing for parents to look after grandchildren, as they can be narcissistic like my mum and damage the kids. You want kind people to do that job instead.

It's only as complex as you make it. You have the measure of them. They are inherently selfish people. If you choose to go down the road of offering care or responding to their requests for it with anything other than one of the myriad of polite responses suggested here, you know their response will be to demand more and more. This just who they are.

You are the one feeling angst and guilt over this. I can guarantee they are not giving this, or you, a second thought beyond Keeg is a convenient, free default and entitlement and expectation.

How you choose to respond to this is entirely your lookout, but it can, if given the chance, indeed affect your life and that of your life with your children.

It's simple enough to nip it in the bud and continue the relationship you have already. No need for drama, scenes or confrontation. Just no to the lifts, in one of the many ways you can phrase it.

The ball is entirely in your court.

Regarding the housing ladder, the majority of baby boomers left school and started work at 15. By the time I was 20 I'd been working 5 years for the Post Office as was, and had a couple of promotions. At 20 you were well established, had been earning for a quarter of your life, and had learned how to manage your money. This process starts much later now with so many going to university. 6/7 years later. This must have an effect on how soon you can afford to buy a house

In fact, when I get my state pension I'll have 51 years work behind me.

That's loadsamoney

Sounds like a complex /surface level relationship, which I can relate to.

My mum hasn't done a great deal to support me emotionally, financially or anything in the last 15 years, but I wouldn't want to see her struggle in old age.

So I guess i would do what you can comfortable do to help them, without sacrificing you're entire free time and money.

It's called duty and I think very selfish of you younger people who don't want to help your parents, irrespective of whether they are helping with your kids.

I think it was selfish of my father to abuse me, spend all his money on pokies and alcohol. He had a DUTY to his kids.
I'm glad he is now dead cos like hell I'd upend my life to help him over some supposed obligation or duty.
Some parents simply are related by blood only, there is no relationship. Just because your blood related, does not mean you are obligated to care for elderly parents, especially those who have been useless

You reap what you sow. Their chickens have come home to roost.

Please don't feel guilty. Continue the relationship just as it always has been. Detached, mild interest. Don't put yourself out at all.

They chose not to nurture and maintain the familial bond with you and your family/kids so I don’t see why you should be guilted into doing everything fir them now. If the relationship isn’t there, it just isn’t there.

In my culture , family is really important and I would do anything for my parents. But they have also given me everything and always also been there for me, it’s reciprocal love and support.

They sound terrible but, as a PP said (and sorry to be cynical) do you know what they are leaving you in their Will?

It's not unreasonable of you at this stage to have a frank conversation with them about this, as it could determine your relationship with them from now on.

Yes this is a cynical position to take, but it's fundamental.

I literally want to be those selfish parents! Sorry, obvs. That’s you going through it. But how magnificently obtuse of them. How did they actually raise children?

No, i feel the exactly the same. On one occasion i was at work, school called to say my son needed to be collected as school heating not working. I called my parents whom are as fit as fiddles, retired and at the time at home, both drivers. I was told, that i must get my act together, and cannot rely on them to collect my kids from school. Was told after lunch they planned on a walk in the nature reserve park and didnt have the time. I responded ok thanks no problem. My in-laws where more than happy to help. Fast forward 15months. I get a phone call, 'your dad has injured his leg whilst playing golf, could you collect us from the hospital as i got in the ambulance with your dad, we also have to stop and pick up the car'
My response, im sorry but i cannot at such short notice, i have the kids and hubby still at work. I suggest you call a taxi.

Not all of us baby boomers are selfish to the core and interested only in ourselves. Tiny toes where I take one of our Grandchildren once a week is full of other Granny's and Grandpa's doing the same as me. Helping out with childminding.

Granted I am at the further end of the baby boomer years as a 60's baby. However I am still of the generation baby boomer. All I ask is please don't damn all alike.

Do what you can when you can if it suits you however explain you are working etc. and you can only do it when you can fit it in. That isn't tit for tat. I understand why you feel like it is because of how uninterested they were helping you. However it is O.K to set healthy boundaries for yourself and your family too

They probably think as you will benefit from the inheritance that they right a right to help. Some people are like your parents. Others aren't

Parents have children by choice and raise them on whatever terms they like. Kids have no say in any of this - good or bad - so I don't believe anybody owes their parent a debt for their childhood years.
It's how you engage as adults that decides the long term relationship.

Haven't read the whole thread, just Keeg's posts.

From your OP Keeg -
"I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on"

And reading your further posts, I totally get why you don't feel bonded. They sound as if they kept a measure of detachment between themselves and you. I expect I'm not the first one here to be thinking 'you reap what you sow' - and they sowed distance and detachment.

And now you're faced with "BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts." Well - they didn't exactly rearrange any of their life to so much as take you to the brownies now, did they? (Reap what you sow, reap what you sow ...) So I really DO NOT think you should be rearranging yours either. Your dad can afford a taxi. He is not in NEED of you giving him a lift, he's just selfish enough to expect it.

I would beware about being set up to become their carer. (Although you can always point out that they didn't provide that for their parents either, so why do they think they can burden you with their care, hmm?) A chauffeur today, a cleaner next week? Fuck, no! Point him in the direction of paid help right now, don't let them get ANY idea you'll be their carer.

And do not feel guilt about this, ever. Because they personally didn't want that closeness when you were young, and when their help could have meant a whole lot to you. And that's why you don't feel that closeness, that bond, now. Because they actively prevented it from forming; by their own actions, inactions and choices.

Would you like them to leave you something in their will, or will you be happy for them to pay for live in care or a nursing home? There is only so much money: they cannot save it and spend it. Care costs are very high - over £1000 a week each. Have you discussed their financial situation? This is something you could all have sat round and discussed when they approached retirement age. On one hand they are unlikely to pay you for your help at the same rate as carers, but a discussion about the alternatives might be useful. No one can predict the future, but if you know their health issues you could plan ahead at least for some aspects.

I think that Keeg has been long accustomed to expecting little from her parents, and I should think that applies equally to their Will. There's not much predictable about it, and I wouldn't be making any decisions based on what may or may not transpire financially.

Do your own thing. My mil was like your parents. They died and nobody really mourns them. Sadly.

My parents had very little but gave as they could. My husband still misses them. Not bc of the things that they gave but bc they were generous of spirit as well.

I am sorry for your lack of kindness from them. Concentrate on your children and don't inconvenience yourself.

On the other hand, my df was very selfish most of my life, but at the last, when he needed me, he was much kinder and i miss him quite a bit. Sometimes people realize that they were idiots at the end of their life and they change.

I would see if your parents are like my mil or my df. Worth your effort or not. Act accordingly.

Don't keep accounts of who did what, life is not a balance sheet. Help them when you can, because that is your nature. Because your kids are also watching how you treat your parents. Because you don't want your kids saying the same thing to you in your twilight years.

To GirlRaisedInTheSouth

You say that "The baby boomer generation will go down in history as the most entitled generation ever." snd "We’re similar to you, OP. I work 16 hours a day, DH works 12. In spite of this we will never be able to afford to get on the property ladder. And we get no help at all from anyone".

I don't understand how those two statements are relevant to each other. Are you implying that because you receive "no help at all from anyone" that must therefore mean that an entire generation of people (everyone aged between 54 and 73) is "entitled"?

Your statement about baby boomers is not just ridiculous and offensive but also ironic. It's you who is coming across as very resentful and "entitled"!

80sMum, there is no connection between the statements, I am merely pointing out how difficult it is for those of us who have no family support and have not been able to get on the property ladder.

Well, not, not really. Your point was that the boomer generation is the most selfish and entitled ever. A most unpleasant and sweeping generalisation.

No OP, you are not being petty or heartless. It is normal for them to not help you and it is normal for you to not help them. It does not mean you don’t love them. My mother is a very selfish woman (to me, not my siblings) I won’t help her in her old age. Just like I don’t expect my kids to drop everything for me.

I’m a “Baby Boomer” and am not a “selfish fuck” nor are many of us! Don’t judge all of us on your own experiences.
I have helped with my grandson since the moment he was born, not out of duty, but because I love him and would do anything for him. I don’t have much, but I would give him my last penny to make sure he was well cared for and happy.

Well don't feel slighted if they don't leave any inheritance for you or your children. My parents have told us kids that they wouldn't help us with grandchildren and none of us hold it against them because they sacrificed a lot to raise us and educate us. It's not a tit for tat thing. I feel that they have done their part and now they are entitled to enjoy their free time. If you don't think you would look back and regret then that's fine. Do it. For me I could never abandon my parents like that.