Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Holding a grudge or feeling resentment or anger is like letting someone live rent free in your head - as I previously stated you should help out because you choose to - not for payback or reward. If you cannot appreciate not all people live up to your expectations then that’s your issue.

Don't answer anyone questioning your bum wiping comment then jax, hopefully you realise you let yourself down there

SlaaartyBaaardFaaast
Only a person who has a SEN child would understand. An hour of a ME time is so appreciated if its offered
I must say my parents although they live abroad fathers dead now mums 80 ..came for months at a time to help .I will never ever forget this support that was so selflessly given.I have a very small net work of friends who help out funnily enough these are not my siblings just real kind loyal beautiful friends i will always always be indebted to them slways

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse - bum wiping is about your level

But then, not all people living up to your expectations, once again goes both ways.

I guess, the parents expectation in the OP's case was that OP would be there when they wanted/needed her - even if they weren't there when she wanted/needed them. I guess now, if they can't understand that people won't live up to their expectations - well, that's their issue. (Of course, their issue might start being a little more pressing for them at this point, whereas her issue is becoming less so.)

I think my view is less tit for tat, but thinking I wasn’t too big a burden. I paid a fair bit back during childhood. I saw siblings home from school every night, I took time off if they had an inset day from their school to watch them. I did tea a few nights a week. I washed clothes through teens, I did housework. I kind of feel by 18 I left I on a fairly even keel. I earned money and bought clothes etc from weekend jobs. I facilitators a or if their social contact through babysitting. I was happy, but I didn’t walk out the door feeling I owed. I pretty much had no contact for my early adult life as I wanted to grow up and be free and reckless myself, after being a sensible kid. We built up a friendly sociable relationship when I had my own.

I feel not in debt of care I guess. Happy to be decent, get out of a hole etc. But just not on tap or providing day to day care. Some of it hasn’t come yet, but recent health changes made me look ahead and think of the future and assess things. I also feel torn two ways, my eldest is at the starting a daily point herself. I’d rather invest my time I have in helping her, and her siblings still at home. I enjoy it. Maybe I’m just doing the same thing In a different way... being selfish and focusing on my happiness.

It’s all bloody complex isn’t it, if you’re presenting an easy answer... bollocks

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse

Ah that’s so (slightly weirdly grin) lovely about the bum wiping for your in-laws. They sound fab mummy.

That’s why I responded in the way I did - insult or holding a mirror up to someone who obviously is intent on criticising other contributors rather than being constructive...understand now??

Don't answer anyone questioning your bum wiping comment then jax

Nope! She’s back to her “I’m totally zen and just give and give and give, selflessly and non-judgementally, expecting nothing in return you know; it’s all for the love of giving”
spiel...

Sorry, but it’s just a little hard for me to take that seriously jax after the weird ‘insult’ (?) you randomly chucked at me .

That’s why I responded in the way I did - insult or holding a mirror up to someone who obviously is intent on criticising other contributors rather than being constructive...understand now??

Haaaaa! What?! I don’t believe you. Nice back pedalling though.

And anyway, how was calling me a bum wiper meant to be a ‘criticism’ exactly? Thanks for the lesson and all though pmsl.

Ah that’s so (slightly weirdly grin) lovely about the bum wiping for your in-laws. They sound fab mummy.

I was being friendly, not criticising and I certainly didn’t use “bum wiping” as an insult. So no, I don’t understand now. You’ll have to explain again.

I get it OP. I feel let down by my DPs since I had DC despite having a reasonable relationship with them up to that point. We had some times when we desperately needed help, practically and emotionally and got very little, almost nothing. I'm not talking about regular childcare but empathy, emotional support, an offer to get up with the kids in the morning once in a blue moon, an offer to babysit - anything really, that would acknowledge our life is tough and a break would really help.

Sadly for us my PILs are no better. And on both sides there are siblings who get an awful lot of help with their DCs from them - and who financially are better off than us so not like they need it more - which makes us feel even worse.

Yes I'm resentful - and sad, so sad that my DC don't have meaningful relationships with their GPs. It's easy to say "let go of the resentment" but it's not easy to do.

Not going to lie..we are not well off but i don't understand grandparents that don't want to help out or be involved.
I am very much looking forward to having fun times with potential.grandchildren and being able to hand them back.

Along with many other's l think that if its convenient help them but l think when its not don't and maybe have some standard reply's ready in your head or written down so you don't get caught out when they ask.
when l tried not to do something my father said why wouldn't you want to help your Father.
He didn't deserve any help but l was controlled by him/now l have moved on in life l feel no responsibility to either parent and don't feel guilty at all but my in laws are beautiful people ,have always been there for their family so l make them a priority.
l'm so sorry that you are going through this,stay strong.

Henry, I think you'll tie yourself in knots trying to understand jax, best just to leave him or her alone

True... Enjoy your evening jax .

Glad it wasn’t just me who was by the choice of insult... and the fact she / he was insulting me at all tbh. I think I told her to read the thread properly... . I TOTALLY had it coming 😂.

Op, excuse the hijack. And you’re right. It is very complex .

Most mumsnetters seem to gave been very unlucky in their parents. I honestly feel for you. My own parents died beford my DDs were born and my DHs parents were both in their late 70s with health issues that meant they could not babysit DC. This meant that we had to get on with raising our children very much on our own, grabbing the odd night out when we could afford to pay for childcare. This didn't stop us from offering help with lifts to hospitals etc but as most of these visits coincided with work, picking children up from school we couldn't help as much as we would have liked. My DDs are now in their 20s and know we will be there for them every step of the way helping out in whichever way we can. I will feel responsible for them if im 90 and they're in their 50s I've told them this many times. So please don't make generalisations about babyboomers I'm sure you would object if I made these same sweeping statements of your generation. We cant be held responsible for the idiots of our generation any more than you can. I will always do my best for my children and hopefully will be fit enough to care for their children. I've struggled with lots through my life and I'm certainly not entitled. Sorry for the rant but need to get it off my chest.

supermommy I suspect it is GPs who don't really enjoy being with children. In the past many people who did not really like kids had them because that is what you did.

Please don't judge all GPs the same.....

DH and I are tail end BB, I will be working until I am 66 and DH is still working full time at 70. We did not go to university, just out to work. We just love being part of our DGC lives. We feel blessed that our DD and SiL want us to be involved. I love chatting to my DGC, being asked to make their birthday cakes, being part of their lives. I felt honoured that my DD wanted me to be in the delivery room with her. We are happy to help out in anyway we can (without interfering!). DH will take his tool kit and does any DIY job DD needs doing. To us, this the the norm, families help each other.

I am sorry to read of all the other GPs who chose not to be involved. They are missing so much.....

I am one of those lucky ones that have an amazing mother in law who helps out all the time and lovely parents who help out lots.... I know that the price for this will be looking after them into old age, which will be tough but definitely deserved. They will also have the joy of grandkids popping in on them who love them to bits. Don't feel bad OP I think that your parents have made their stand clear, understandably you will be free to enjoy your retirement in the same way.

It’s interesting, as I have never thought about having to look after PIL in old age. Their lives are relatively easy, private healthcare, no financial worries, many holidays and relaxing hobbies, etc.

DH and I have awful lives by comparison. We’re stressed, broke and will have to work until we drop. I have a life-limiting condition but can’t fix it because I can’t afford to take time off from my two jobs. DH is so stressed with money worries I honestly fear he will have a heart attack.

For these reasons, I fully expect PIL to outlive us.

Never lived near either set of parents, so never had any help with childcare or anything.
One of the parents, now on their own, needs a lot of help with health issues so have to travel 100's of miles to help out.
You either do it or you don't - it's about what you feel you should do. Nobody should judge other people's decisions.

Totaldogsbody I bet a lot of posters with decent parents simply haven't contributed to this thread, though quite a few others have.

WIBU to say that grandparents who have little interest in helping out are the type of parents that chose to have kids not for their maternal/paternal ‘I’d take a bullet for my kids’ type instinct?

I know a lady whose DM was a horror. Yet her DD would every Friday drive 100s of miles to see what her latest problem was. The stress of full time work and travel precipitated her first stroke. She became incapacitated had to go into sheltered flat, made jokes about her mobility scooter, but still tried to sort things out for her mother using the phone to contact people to make sure her mother is ok. She has now had three strokes and is stuck indoors waiting to die she says.