Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

It's funny how the people who get loads of help from their parents think that other people shouldn't resent the fact that their parents will never put themselves out for them no matter how desperate they are

Yep! Funny that.

It's called duty and I think very selfish of you younger people who don't want to help your parents, irrespective of whether they are helping with your kids.

I call it conditioning, and being a mug.

You say potato, I say potatoh. . .

I don't like generalisations about any generation, they are all made up of a variety of individuals, some selfish, some not.Unpleasant to know that some people are making assumptions before you even speak.

I don't like generalisations about any generation, they are all made up of a variety of individuals, some selfish, some not.Unpleasant to know that some people are making assumptions before you even speak

Totally agree.

Yadnbu
My parents never offered emotional or financial support- they were very much ‘we’ve done our bit, it’s our turn now’ dm is dead and df only bothers with obligatory birthday cards. They were awful parents to me and my siblings, so not sure where ‘done my bit’ came from 😂😂
My dh patents are awful and no contact. I expect mil will be in touch for a second chance once controlling fil finally dies.
They can all fuck off, ill be spending my time supporting my kids and with the important people. You reap what you sow.

It's called duty and I think very selfish of you younger people who don't want to help your parents, irrespective of whether they are helping with your kids. I think it's selfish not to help someone you love if you can, when they need it - but it works both ways - intergenerational.

I also concur OP.

My mother told me she would never want burdening with any ‘brats’ of mine, not that I would ever leave them with her for a nanosecond to cut a long dull story short.

My mil however, would if asked (we occasionally do), drop everything in a heartbeat and is not only an amazing grandparent but has definitely taught me how to parent better than I could ever have imagined...still a work in progress

In turn, I might throw a bit of money at the situation when and if my remaining parent requires help in a few years, but no more than that, without a scrap of guilt.
I will absolutely ensure my pils are looked after well and gladly wipe their bottoms with deep respect and gratitude for everything they have ever helped me with.

There you go AllInADay

They were awful parents to me and my siblings, so not sure where ‘done my bit’ came from

I imagine it’s the “done my bit” crowd who didn’t really do too much of their bit in the first place. But that’s just a theory.

Have to say, my relationship has evolved with my mother. It's gone from at one point seriously considering going nc, to us now having a very good, friendly, mutually supportive relationship.

She has changed, so have I. A lot of water has gone under the bridge. I've had to let go of a lot, accept that I'd never get fairy tale resolution for some fairly serious stuff (hell, even non-defensive acknowledgement), but when I did that, we did end up having a pretty good relationship.

That in turn has impacted on how concerned and invested I am in her life as she gets older and more vulnerable. It wasn't going to stop me doing what was best for my family however, even though that was to her potential loss. And to her credit, neither would she expect me to.

She accepts that we put our family unit first just as she put her family unit first.

NotStressedOut I'm interested to know how far you would take your idea that parents have no responsibility towards adult children but adult children have responsibility towards their parents.

If the GP were very wealthy and in good health, and the adult children very poor and perhaps had health problems, or had DC with health problems, and the GP did nothing to help, and the adult children would be made even poorer if they looked after the elderly GP (less able to work for example), would you still expect them too?

Ah that’s so (slightly weirdly ) lovely about the bum wiping for your in-laws. They sound fab mummy.

There are degrees of help though milktray I hope my kids wouldn't see me wandering the streets naked or slowly starving but I would hate to have a big impact on their day to day life. I would hope they would just arrange care which I would pay for as much as possible if I was unable to do it myself.

I didn’t mean that the children should look after their elderly parents but to make that they had access to help. Either through social services or private care. I helped my mother when she had dementia but the time came when she needed help that I couldn’t provide. That’s when I needed to contact social services on her behalf.

100% with you!!!!

I am really sorry your parents were like this. And I disagree with most people, I feel parents should help their adult kids out to the extent that is reasonable in their situation (health, money, location). That generation had it easy, many people did better than their parents, and they put it down to their own hard work, but they just entered adulthood at a moment that was very easy, in terms of work and housing etc. We had it so much harder, and I am terrified for my kids that things are just getting harder. Well about my kids, they are young, but I am already saving up to be able to chip in something substantial so they buy their an apartment. And if I am lucky enough to be in good health when I have grandkids I'd do everything to help them out, including doing an errand so they (or the other parent) and have some relax time with my grandkids. People who parent like your parents make me feel nothing but sorrow for their children and themselves in the end. They missing out on some amazing connections. YANBU

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse - bum wiping is about your level...

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse - bum wiping is about your level...

What’s wrong with bum wiping? I’ve done it, for dying relatives before. Do you think that’s a funny, funny joke to take the piss out of me for? Do one love.

If the situation is as you say you have every reason to feel as you do.

Rather than tit for tat I'd say it's more about reciprocity. If as GP we don't give help as and when we can then on our own heads be it IMO.

If your parents need to get to Regular/Routine appointments or to meet Regular/Routine daily/life needs then let them find a way to manage them. If as you say they had many holidays they managed organise all the details of go on and getting to and from those holidays and other events/activities so they can do, I'd let them.

Emergencies - those events that happen with no warning - well how you handle those will be between you and your conscience and what is pressing in your life at the time.

I wasn't able to help my parents out often and they weren't able to help me out often but that was circumstances not just selfish choice so I find it easier to accept but if I'd had parents as selfish as you describe I think I'd be inclined to feel as you do. We can't do as much for our children or grandchildren but we do what we can and thankfully they help us as and when they can but to not have that must be very difficult.

You must do as you "DO" as you see fit at any given time in response to the situation at the time. As long as you are clear in your own mind that you can live with your choice because it is only you who will have to find peace with how you manage your relationship with them going forward.

I wish you well with your future decisions and I really hope you don't put yourself under too much stress trying to provide the things your parents WANT to make their lives comfortable. They have been able to do that for themselves and for as long as they can take care of the WANTS you put your efforts into making your life as good as it can be.

It's called duty and I think very selfish of you younger people who don't want to help your parents, irrespective of whether they are helping with your kids.

So where was the 'duty' to help their child or their grandchildren?

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse - bum wiping is about your level...

Oh do fuck off Jax57🙄

...am a sandwich lady FYI! But don’t expect payback and don’t make judgments

Then...

...bum wiping is about your level

Ah yes, there’s that saintly, non judgemental, loving and giving, selfless personality shining through.

Jax, don't think I understand your reference there to bum wiping, used as an insult??
Could you explain why you used this as an insult??

YANBU. MIL made it very clear to me when I was pregnant with DS that she had done her bit and would not be available for childcare. I have no idea why she felt the need to tell me that as we had not asked her too and already arranged for me to be a SAHM for the first couple of years. I guess she was just making sure.

DS then DD came along and we very rarely asked her to watch them (maybe once/twice a year at the most and for a short period of time) but she always made us feel like we were beholden to her but what irritated me most was that she seemed to tell her friends that we relied on her. We never, ever did. The only time I really desperately needed her help was when my dad was very ill on life support and I almost begged her to come and watch them until DH got home so that I could go to him. She refused as she wanted to go to a WI meeting. Fortunately a friend could do it, but I'll never forgive her for that.

Fast forward 15 years and she's getting older and now needs and very much expects us to take her here, there and everywhere and, to be honest, I help her as much as I can. I don't really know why, but I can see she's getting older and needs my help. She often says she feels guilty for not helping out at all.

I have always maintained that my grown up children are more in need of cash than I am in my 70's and regularly help out when they have un-looked for expenses. As GPs we have always been happy to assist with baby(child) sitting as agreed with our son and his wife on the arrival of their first child. i.e. "Do you want to be "hands-on?" Watching my husband change his granddaughter's nappy was hilarious!
Leaving something for them in one's will is a bit useless when they are in their 50's, 60's especially today with the current economic situation.
We may sound a bit precious but the joys of grand-parenthood have been very fulfilling.

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse - bum wiping is about your level...

@Jax57 the above comment is completely unnecessary and downright bitchy. How unpleasant you've shown yourself to be.