Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

I don't see it as transactional, more that you do tend to get out of relationships what you put into them.

If you put nothing into a friendship, would you expect that friend to be particularly there for you in your time of need?

I don't believe that we owe our parents for being born, and for them fulfilling their basic job voluntarily assumed as our parents. As parents we need to nurture our relationships with our offspring throughout their lives, not just assume that they'll turn it on like a tap when we need them just because we gave birth to them.

I think that how our kids interact with us in our old age will be determined by the relationship we nurture and foster with our kids, not by our relationship with their grandparents.

I wonder if anyone would ever put a post on Mumsnet taking the time to extol the virtues of grandparents who do drop everything to help out and are supportive. I expect no-one would take the time to do that.

It is very hard to raise children without support, especially from your parents. I hope you can find a way to move forward from this and forge better bonds with your parents.

When you decide to have children it’s your responsibility to arrange childcare and provide for them. Your parents worked and also had children and now they’re older it’s their time to enjoy life in their retirement. Your children are not their responsibility. However when your parents need help when they are older and in need I would hope you could make sure they get the help they need without resentment. They brought you up to adulthood. I’m sure when you retire you will want to enjoy your freedom to do what you want until you need help hopefully from your children.

I have to be honest I find this strange as I have a tiny extended family who all live far apart and none of us have had day-to-day support. So I see it as normal.

Allinaday, see pinksplutterweasels post above mine, it's rather lovely.

I am completely in agreement that the OP owes her parents nothing. I would treat them as they treat you, friendly but distant. Give a little help if it's easy for you but say at once if it isn't convenient. However the generalisations on this thread are unacceptably ageist. Many baby boomers cannot afford fancy holidays and are very willing to help their families out. They would also not like to become a problem in old age. To say fuck off to an entire generation is out of order. I think mumsnet should take a look at some posts.

Just to throw something else into the mix. Sometimes it is one grandparent who does not like to be inconvenienced time wise. Despite the fact that they have seven days a week every week to enjoy. That makes it difficult for the other grandparent who might like to be more involved. Just saying......

No judgement here

I can't fucking stand my parents. Just because I am related to them does not oblige me to inconvenience myself for people who never did the same for me.

I did read the thread thank you and am a sandwich lady FYI! But don’t expect payback and don’t make judgments either

AIBU is a judgmental thread by definition - we are asked to judge whether the OPs are BU or not, so by all means judge away.

The majority of posts here are not about tit for tat - they are about not taking family relationships for granted and about not taking advantage of your family members. As in any relationship, you need to work for it. Parents who emotionally abandon their kids, even grown-up ones, break the close bond which makes the children WANT to help them in old age. That’s it really.

My parents were like this. My father is now dead, but expected me to drop my job and my own family responsibilities to look after him when he was dying, even though he had never put himself out in the least for me..ever.
My mother is now widowed and lonely. I do what i can, but I don't have any real relationship with her. She is still disinterested in my children and selfish. I wouldn't have her to live with us even if we had the space.
Your parents are being very selfish. Do what you can within reason. but don't put yourself out if you see what i mean. What goes around comes around.

I don't think that people expect "day-to-day support" but if grandparents live nearby and make it clear that they never intend to help in any way despite being retired and in good health it is hardly surprising that their children feel resentful.

There are a lot of generalisations on this thread about baby boomers but I think they do have one thing in common or at least the older ones do. They have been very lucky to have a much longer and healthier retirement than previous generations and also future generations. To expect a holiday for two or three decades and not do anything to help with grandchildren seems very selfish.

I have to be honest I find this strange as I have a tiny extended family who all live far apart and none of us have had day-to-day support. So I see it as normal.

Yes, I think that’s the case for a lot of families. But at least that way, nobody is expecting you to move your parents in with you in their old age!

I said many pages back that we should not generalise about an entire generation. That is unfair.

It has happened both ways though. Not long ago someone said all the younger posters were selfish and wanted handouts. Which is classic anti-millenial speech if we’re going to get into it...

YANBU.

I wrote a similar thread a while back and to my surprise, I didn't get slaughtered!

In life we reap what we sow.
They have been selfish and indulgent and had they spent some time with you and your family in the past, they would have formed a closer bond with you.

Don't feel guilty. They sound wealthy enough to afford taxis. Suggest they organise transport for themselves.

They probably view it as your husbands responsibility to provide or the pair of you and to live within your means as you are young and they are not. When you suddenly become a single mum some GPs step in and help a lot more. You know, man out of the picture, not supporting a healthy man and turning him into a scrounger or not offending the son in law etc. These are all ideas probably knocking about in their heads and justifying their position.

streamsfullofstars

I agree I am very lucky to get help from my mum. However, this is at her convenience and if she were to decide tomorrow that she no longer wanted, or unable to, do it anymore- that would be fine. I wouldn’t be angry or resentful. And I wouldn’t then refuse to help if she needed it, or agree to it and then feel bitter. I don’t think it’s her responsibility to provide childcare or financial support and nor is it my right to expect it. Some on here do, not necessarily OP BTW.

I already do help in some ways with my DF (which is why they live where they do) but I cannot provide full-time care for them, should they need it. I don’t feel guilty about it and they don’t expect that of me or want that for me. I know because we have spoken about it. But what I can/will do for them is in no way dependent on the level of financial assistance or childcare they have given.

I don’t think you should feel guilty. If your Mum and Dad had of gone the extra mile for you, I expect you’d feel differently, but Your parents lived their lives putting what they wanted to do first and foremost and didn’t put themselves out to help you when you could have really done with it.
Therefore I don’t think you should now feel the need to act any differently to the way they have. Presumably your parents aren’t destitute and your dad can afford to get a taxi to his hospital appointments etc.
Some people are of the opinion that how ever parents have treated you, you should still move heaven and earth for them now. I don’t feel like that. As far as I’m concerned, your parents set the boundaries that suited them when they were retired available and able to help, but chose not to, so I really would avoid getting dragged under now. It was their decisions to be self centered so why should you do any differently.

YANBU. Your parents will reap what they have sown. 'Can't be arsed with your children' reaps children who 'can't be arsed with their parents'.

Quite offended by reference that babyboomers being the most "entitled generation" ....only need to look to all the millennials etc still living at home, can't afford a house but can drive new cars, have top of the range phones etc ,more holidays in their first thirty years than I've had in my life, outmost weekends. We went out once a month (budgeted) ....I don't really object to this but please don't slag off people who put their home before nights out and are now able to have a bit of fun
Ps it is a bit mean to not look after grandkids after all giving them back to their parents after a long day is bliss lol

In agreement with Notstressedouts point. I would also add that not expecting grandparents to help with childcare does not mean that they can’t have a relationship with the grandchildren. DH and I have never asked or expected help from anyone with our children. They are our children and it is therefore our responsibility to care for them and make the sacrifices that facilitate that. My own parents died before the children were born and I am more like a daughter to my pil than a daughter in law. They live a short walk from us so when the children were small I would visit them with the kids. Mil loved doing art and craft with them, gardening baking and she would do this while I was there. Fil loves anything diy and ds would often be found in the garage with grandad helping him. They did do some babysitting if we wanted to go out of an evening but It wasn’t that often. If we wanted to go out more I would have looked at alternatives so as not to overly burden them. They had their own lives to lead and went on holidays as and when they pleased.
They have always had and continue to have a fantastic relationship with the children. Now they are teenagers they often take themselves round to nan and grandads after school for a cup of tea and a chat. I have told them that this is the sort of relationship I want when they decide to have their own children. I fully intend to enjoy my retirement but I do not want to look after any grandchildren. Yes, I would be available to babysit occasionally and see the grandchildren regularly but I will not change my retirement plans.

only need to look to all the millennials etc still living at home, can't afford a house but can drive new cars, have top of the range phones etc ,more holidays in their first thirty years than I've had in my life, outmost weekends.

I rest my case! Classic.

I agree I am very lucky to get help from my mum. However, this is at her convenience and if she were to decide tomorrow that she no longer wanted, or unable to, do it anymore- that would be fine. I wouldn’t be angry or resentful.

It's funny how the people who get loads of help from their parents think that other people shouldn't resent the fact that their parents will never put themselves out for them no matter how desperate they are. You don't know how you would feel if your mother refused to help you even if you are in dire need because you've never been there.

@ChipSandwich, why is it bizarre?

OP has been raised to be self sufficient with parents who apparently didn’t put a massive amount of effort in to raising her, expected her to look after siblings, and gave no help as an adult when she was raising her family. Now her parents think it is her job to help, them out when they need it? Bizarre would be if she drops everything to look after them. It is not her place in life to put everyone else first.

What is it about the status of “elderly parent” that means people must automatically rearrange their lives to look after them, if the parent has not done anything for them beyond the bare minimum?

Would I help my parents out? Of course I would, because we are a family who help each other. Would I help my BIL? Not a chance as he barely makes any effort to even acknowledge our existence.

I was an only child and cannot ever remember getting help from my parents when I was young. Yes, my father bought an old banger for me when I passed my driving test but I had to pay him back every month for it (and quite rightfully so). However, when he was ill, I did everything I could for him and the same for my mother, who actually was pretty horrible to me for most of my young life. It's called duty and I think very selfish of you younger people who don't want to help your parents, irrespective of whether they are helping with your kids.

They can get a taxi.