Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Sorry to be harsh but your parents sound vile and i guarantee that when care is needed they will expect you to wait on them hand and foot.

You need to set the ground rules now and make it clear that any help you give is on your terms and when its convenient. Its exactly the same treatment they have given you

I completely get this. Both sets of GPs are like this. One moreso than the other as they moved to a completely different country. Parenting and support stopped at 18. I have a child with SEN and have had to give up my career for a very small (low hours) local weekend job to enable us to keep our heads above water. No support is tough and add SEN to the mix and you are running to stand still.
I fear the GPs abroad will come unstuck when their health inevitably deteriorates. They have abandoned their own parents needs in old age and their own children... yet they will expect me to cater for their old age at sanity and financial cost and to me no doubt.

No I don't expect even 2hrs free childcare a week... but Yes it irks me to have no support at all and yes I am genuinely happy for those who do receive help but admitted envious too. Who wouldn't be.

OP xx

To the OP:- carry on being polite and friendly to your parents but don't go out of the way to help them out. They can afford taxis and they did not help you when you needed it.

To girlraisedinthesouth:-

"The baby boomer generation will go down in history as the most entitled generation ever.

We’re similar to you, OP. I work 16 hours a day, DH works 12. In spite of this we will never be able to afford to get on the property ladder. And we get no help at all from anyone.

It does make me angry, particularly when I hear about the ‘sacrifices’ that people made years ago to buy their own homes. Yeah right, fuck off."

Really?

That is horrible. I am a little bit younger than the boomer generation and my mother has nothing to give or leave me but I harbour no such resentment towards a whole generation of people.

My DH and I moved 200 miles north to be able to get on the property ladder and I expected nothing from anyone else. We paid half of our joint income into the mortgage and had none of the privileges of the present generation. My DH couldn't even go to university as his parents couldn't afford to help him financially. We did make sacrifices and they were real.

There are selfish parents and GP's and kind and generous ones.It depends on the individuals. To condemn a whole cohort of older people and tell them to 'FO' is beyond outrageous. In fact I don't know anyone of the boomer generation who could bring themselves to tell another soul to 'FO'.

There. I've managed to express myself without being angry and all FFS about it to other posters. People are so uptight! Your post comes across much the same as everyone else and yet you are weirdly congratulating yourself - do you often do that?

YANBU OP.

Of course they didn’t have to help you with childcare. Just as you don’t have to help them now. I guess you still have children to look after, and you’re still working?

Nuxe my mum died before my children were born which is an ongoing sadness. Dad did little to help with my kids, although he tried but was pretty clueless ( and selfish). Ironically I ended up being his Carer for 5 years. Glad I did it but boy was it exhausting. I hope to live long and healthily enough to be a hands on GP.

Realised I didn't answer your original question.

I wouldn't rush to help them. They can obviously afford to get a taxi, pay for a carer, etc.

They've chosen to have this distance relationship with you so can't expect you to suddenly start rearranging your life to accommodate them.

If they ask for help and it doesn't inconvenience you then say yes, otherwise just say sorry I can't, I'm doing XXX.

Gently but firmly point out all the times you needed help then wait to see if they continue to ask for favours.

Tbh I’ve spent the last three months juggling a child with disabilities and a mum that has got ill due to her life choices as well as clearing up her house, renovating it too, and life and getting no thanks at all. Yanbu at all.

So is the general consensus, 'f##k them, the selfish old ####s'?

Shocked at most posters and their tit for tat mentality. Surely you give help freely with no idea of reward? Why not help out if you can and want to...it may make them realise how unreasonable they have been in the past and move towards asking maybe you to move in with them and be more generous in their old age! You don’t realise how lucky you are to live ‘selfishly’ with no thought to others - try supporting a disabled child 24/7 who never says thank you or I love you because they are non verbal. Being parents is never what you expect...

I'm sickened by the 'baby boomers' comments too.

I suppose I fall into that category.

FYI I have worked for almost 40 years, with only 4 years with no work when DCs were tiny.

Parents lived 300 miles away- helped when they could, mum would come and stay now and then for a few days. MIL didn't do anything, lived the same distance away.

I had no other childcare and there were no nurseries or childminders in my area then. Just didn't exist except for state nursery for DCs aged 4.

We had interest rates of 15% at one point, we worked hard, didn't holiday abroad and drove old cars.

I got nothing from my parents financially- not a bean- they were struggling themselves.

I think the entitled posts here of younger people are horrible.
Expecting handouts from parents? Expecting childcare?

Who's selfish?

Shocked at most posters and their tit for tat mentality

I’m shocked at posters’ inability to read the thread or even the op properly.

NRTFT but if you do decide to help out with lifts to hospital are you also planning on waiting around for hours whilst they are waiting for their appointment and also on paying the extortionate amount it costs to park at most hospitals? It may be more cost effective for them to go by taxi if it is very local in any event (especially if you make it plain they will need to give you the parking money........) Just saying.

So is the general consensus, 'f##k them, the selfish old ####s'?

Yes, I think that is a fair position for the OP to take, although rather crudely expressed. Do you disagree? Personally, I don't. The OP's parents can reap as they sow .

You owe your parents absolutely nothing! They chose to have you, you did not get a choice on them as parents.
Well now you do have a choice. Do what's good for you and nothing more. Resentment breeds further resentment. You will end up making yourself Ill.

Same here. My parents live a long way away but did not lift a finger to help us, but would sit and act like visiting royalty when they came to us. When we went to them we had to sort our own accommodation (including a fucking tent in gale force winds at the top of a cliff). The Labrador they have used their spare room. Our DC were ‘too much’ for them to have apart from 2 occasions for a few hours each time. Meanwhile said Labrador was on long walks twice a day.

I thought it was just me and them resenting me not living near them, but sounds like it’s pretty common. Don’t feel guilty op - their generation moan about how the younger generation is but have effectively stepped away from helping etc. I will not be moving house job etc to go look after mine.

I was a single mother, working full-time and my parents made it clear that they were not available for childcare. EVER. They stuck to their word. They also said that they wouldn't look to me for help when they were frail and elderly - they would sort themselves out because they were independent and comfortable

Their vision of old age has taken a knock. They are in their 80s and 90s now. They've had strokes, falls, don't have a car and are both depressed and miserable.

I provide childcare for my grandchildren. My own children and their children are my priority. I am available during emergencies (a fall resulting in a visit to A and E) but not available to them for routine jaunts to the doctors or the shops. We all know where we stand.

I am part of the "sandwich generation" - looking after grandchildren and the frail elderly relatives. It's impossible to do both and we are in danger of burning out.

I get it and really feel for you . I'm the other way round - I've been lucky, my parents have been a huge help, we have a fantastic relationship and I love seeing them and I'm so happy when i can help them now . I just don't understand GPs who give up once their kids have flown the nest. Our family is so close and we always look out for each other.

Agree with the general consensus. We get get no help or hardly any from either grannies or grandad and step granny. They are all still quite young, in good health, all still work and have lovely Holidays etc. If I ask the answer is usually that they are busy, whereas my grandma looked after me when my mum became a single mum x5 days a week and juggled a job to help her. She cannot believe how selfish my mum is to not help. I’ve got friends who’s parents help almost daily. I get on with it but it pissed me off when any of them comment on how tired I look! No fucking way?! Really?! Why do they think that is then?!

Keep the relationship as it is. You paid childcare they can pay for taxis. I’m not going to bend Over backwards to help them as they haven’t helped us! Karmas a bitch.

YANBU

Very big difference between being their daughter and being their carer.

Yep, I wouldn't be going the extra mile for them either. I could not imagine helping my kids if they asked.

Stay in touch and be their daughter, but at the first sign of a request for a lift make sure you are ready to say, "I'm really sorry but I'm already committed then". That is it, nothing else needs to be said. If you start being overly flexible they will have greater expectations and that is what will destroy their relationship.

Time to put you and your children first in the same way they put themselves first! No guilt necessary.

Yep.

Pil were a pair of skinflints with time and money for their family, yet at one point going on six holidays a year, buying jewellery and new kitchens and garden makeovers and gym memberships and designer clothes.

Then they both were in care homes and all the rest of the money including house gone.

Dh just cannot understand, after having dc himself, how mean they were. They are not remembered affectionately, but I don't suppose they could give two hoots from up above (or down below...).

YANBU - I am a GP and a Babyboomer. My Mum & Dad were well off & very Selfish and Mum was ill and unable and unwilling to help me and my 3 DC.... I was so sad and desperate for help but no deal. I did help when I could - I liked the moral high ground 🤭 However now I am a GP and I have retired I love to help out my DD & DS with their DGC because a) I love them all and b) I remember how hard it was juggling work, children, home and finances. Frankly your parents are selfish SOB’s and need to pay for a flaming taxi !!

I did read the thread thank you and am a sandwich lady FYI! But don’t expect payback and don’t make judgments either -

I’m on your side. My in laws told me firmly when my daughter was born that they didn’t think it was the grandparents duty to help with childcare (not that I asked, by the way - it was something that came up In conversation). They live near and my parents who would be amazing hands on grandparents live 250 miles away. When their other son’s first child was born four ears ago, they changed their tune. They’re regular visitors, look after the little girl and her baby sister frequently and for over nights. And whenever my BIL is away for work, she goes up to help as ‘its very hard with a toddler and a baby’. I answered the other day with a ‘yes I know. If you remember DH was away weekly in the Netherlands when mine were babies and there was less than two years between them. It was really hard”. But you know what I am so glad that we did it without them because when the time comes, my brother in law and his wife can repay them and look after them in old age. As it transpires, kids aren’t stupid. And now mine are 9 and 11 they don’t have a great relationship with DHs parents. They visit under duress and are resentful of the fact their grandparents don’t really know them. Not wanting to bug up my parents but despite the distance they’ve been fantastic grandparents - having the kids for days/ a week at a time in school holidays, creating precious memories when they see them, coming up to stay as often as they can and making my life easier doing school runs, cooking kids dinner etc. I work from home so can do all these things but they will never know how much I appreciate it when they are that extra pair of hands. So no I don’t think you’re unreasonable. You only get what you give.