Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

The whole 'be the bigger person' and 'be kind' is so often used to tell women to do something that will make them miserable, compromise their life and their children's life or piss them off and isn't at all necessary. When it's followed by 'you'll feel better for it' (suggesting moral superiority) or 'you'll feel awful if you don't' it's straight up pedagogical, PA bollocks.

Keeg, I see you've come back to the thread but hope you've taken on board that telling them to take a taxi doesn't make you an ogre.

Ultimately, surely part of growing up and becoming an adult is taking responsibility for your choices? That includes budgeting to live within your means and not expecting other people to support your life choices by giving up a proportion of their retirement

Thanks for the lecture but, by your own admission, you had loads of help with childcare from your Mum and your idea of not much help from grandparents was to regularly stay over for holidays. So hardly the same as parents who have given you a shitty childhood then completely turned their back on you, is it?

Ironically I do as much as you are now prepared to do for your parents.

Writing off an entire generation as selfish, greedy and entitled is ageist, how can't you possibly say it isn't? Well, of course you can say it but you're wrong.

The whole 'be the bigger person' and 'be kind' is so often used to tell women to do something that will make them miserable, compromise their life and their children's life or piss them off and isn't at all necessary. When it's followed by 'you'll feel better for it' (suggesting moral superiority) or 'you'll feel awful if you don't' it's straight up pedagogical, PA bollocks.

This. A million times this. And this goes for every single thread where "be the bigger person" and "take the moral high ground" is trotted out.

I picture a moral high ground littered with miserable downtrodden people who fail to stand up for themselves and continue to get taken for granted for some "perceived" but totally undefinable benefit.

It’s like remaining dignified silence isn’t it ? Yes let people treat you like shite but don’t you embarrass yourself by calling a cunt a cunt

Oh well. I'm a single parent and never got any childcare help from my parents. Not even half a day. My mum said they were too old. But I have looked after them when and how I can as they became frail. Because they raised me as part of a large family, it was exhausting and hard yet full of unconditional love and that is what my love for them is based on too. I think they did enough raising me when I was dependent and vulnerable to get my care in return now they are. It's unconditional. Some of their children like me have kids, some not. But we do what we can and share the responsibility. I don't think they were required to do a double shift raising me and then my children.

If you OP are saying you are prepared to do both raising your kids and providing them childcare too good on you. That's a lot. I think I would love to help with my grandchildren but I can't guarantee that it will want to do loads of it. It was tiring enough first time around and I'm not even done with the extra pressures and costs of A levels and university yet. When you're through with all that see if you still think you should have to do grandchildren childcare too OP. It's a long haul.

Again, it’s a legal requirement to look after your children till they reach adulthood. You don’t get any prizes for that I’m afraid and as has been said on here by people defending the gps; “you CHOSE to have children”. So did the gps. To say the op now ‘owes’ them free care in old age, because they patented their own child, as they were legally required to, is just baffling to me.

Helping your children with childcare when they have their own dcs is a million miles away from “doing it all again”.

*parented

The whole 'be the bigger person' and 'be kind' is so often used to tell women to do something that will make them miserable, compromise their life and their children's life or piss them off and isn't at all necessary. When it's followed by 'you'll feel better for it' (suggesting moral superiority) or 'you'll feel awful if you don't' it's straight up pedagogical, PA bollocks.

Absolutely. I feel very grateful to my parents for never expecting me to be kind to people I had no wish/inclination to be kind too. I've seen so many of my kind-natured friends been taken advantage of - especially by asshole men - from the fear of being 'unkind'.

Being selective about who you are kind to IS an important skill. I tell my kids to trust their intuition about people...

I really would tell the GP's I was going to the cinema VERY often.

I have looked after them when and how I can

And this is exactly what most people have been suggesting ffs. “When and how you can” is NOT rearranging your entire life to become their main carer. Plus, if you have umpteen siblings who all muck in, that’s a little different to the op who seems to be the only one being asked to do this.

Being selective about who you are kind to IS an important skill. I tell my kids to trust their intuition about people...

YY^^.

They need to look after themselves. After all they expected you to look after yourself and your siblings when you were still a child so I think you're being very fair.

I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in

^^from the op.

She is suggesting;

A) her dad, who TEMPORARILY cannot drive, takes a cab to the hospital
B) she does not completely rearrange her life to give care
C) she does not offer to let her parents move in

And people seriously are still rocking up to the thread showboating about how they help their parents with a big fucking “oh well”, “careful what sort of example you’re setting your children” blah blah attitude? The op is NOT suggesting she should disown or demean her parents in any way. Just that they don’t move in, he takes a cab and she doesn’t have to rearrange her whole life to care for her ageing parents.

I’d love to know how many people have genuinely taken in their aged parents to care for them. I’m sure it is not that many!

I agree with teaching your kids to be selective in who they care for. One of my siblings does nothing for my parents and I expect that her own children will do the same when she is frail - since they will have learnt from her selectivity. They have already shown that they are not that attached to her and are reluctant to spend time with her.

I personally am more in the 'do as you would be done by' camp. But I don't advocate dropping everything - that's impossible with busy careers. Taxis are sensible. But kindness ain't a bad thing.

There. I've managed to express myself without being angry and all FFS about it to other posters. People are so uptight!

There. I've managed to express myself without being angry and all FFS about it to other posters. People are so uptight!

But you did manage to stick in a nice wee passive aggressive attack on me? Slow clap . Very restrained I must say sarcasm klaxon.

I will say this thread has irritated me on the op’s behalf, as people seem to be misrepresenting what she has said. I’ve spelled it out a few posts back. I imagine people who think they are being oh so helpful to their parents are only doing what the op and others have suggested she does anyway; helps as far as is reasonably convenient for her and does not negatively effect her family’s life.

I get this. I had a similar relationship with my father before he died. We got on fine but he was fairly uninterested in me in my childhood and young adulthood, and that meant when he was old and needed more care then the emotional bond just wasn't there. I was prepared to help when I was around but not put myself out for him. I am close to my Mum as she pretty much brought me up alone and he was deeply jealous in his old age of our bond. Well, tough. As the old saying goes, you do reap what you sow.

I would tell them you will be there for them in an emergency, but for scheduled appointments and things like that you are too busy trying to work and raise your kids to be their chauffeur. Uber will be the child they never had, since they have not treated the child they did have very nicely.

I find this thread quite odd- I've never had any expectation that my parents would support me financially once I'd left home nor that they would be unpaid childcarers. It's nice if they do, sure, but there's nothing to resent if they don't.

If you want to see it in transactional terms, you could think of your helping them now as being repayment of their raising you. After all, you might not have had children- would you then not feel any obligation to help your ageing parents?

I'm not saying you have to help them- it's your decision, obviously- but I'm struggling to see the lack of free childcare as relevant at all.

One of my siblings does nothing for my parents and I expect that her own children will do the same when she is frail - since they will have learnt from her selectivity

does she not care for her children/does she have no interest in her grandchildren then? is that what you mean?

For me, with being far away, I can't be there to help as I'd like with our Mum. I appreciate just how much my sister and her family, especially my niece, do for Mum.

Then again, Mum has helped that sister, and had more to do with that part of the family more than any of us, so I guess it's an awful lot of what goes around, comes around.

Mum was always very clear that any help she gave any of us, was very much on her terms, not to be taken for granted, and as and when she could be bothered.

I think, perhaps, she's very lucky, that sister hasn't taken that line. It's very easy, when you're relatively young, fit, healthy and independent, to forget the inevitability that this will change as you get older.

Someone said it's a bit like banking - you need to put in the deposits when you can, so you can withdraw later when you need it. That's so true.

I feel your pain. My Mum made it clear she didn't want to help out and for years post my parents divorce our relationship was prickly. Only the fact she had no-one else in the world to rely on kept me in touch.

Now she's getting older she's moved closer to us and relies on us a lot. I try to keep her doing stuff herself but she rarely tries. In truth, I'm not surprised my parents divorced as she's fairly selfish and judgmental.

I guess at the end of the day then I need to look past this and help her, it makes it frustrating but maybe a better person for it.

I would never, ever, ever let her move in though. Having distance (even only 1/2 mile) makes it manageable.

I don't agree with looking at relationships in a transactional manner.

I also would say that whatever you do you have to be happy with it long-term. This is particularly the case when parents are ill and dying. So doing nothing for them might seem "fairer", but will you feel guilty about that when they die?

This does not apply to the OP. Unless the hospital appointments are for life threatening illnesses, then they can get a cab. My parents would not even ask me for a lift for routine hospital appointments and they are not wealthy.

I don't recognise these GP. I have 5 Grandchildren and for last 10years have spent much most pleasurable time with them, looking after them day and night. The rewards are huge, and only cost is time and energy+transport.

I'm semi-retired and help out with the grandchildren. DD and SIL work shifts so this involves overnight on a regular basis and sometimes I say no to things I'm invited to because they clash.
But I do this completely willingly and with no expectation that DD will look after me when I'm older.
My own mother died before my children were born so I see every moment that I can spend with my GC as a blessing. As a consequence I have a wonderful relationship with them … and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Can't understand GPs that don't want to be involved with their grandchildren.

I wouldn't help them to be honest .. if they have money tell them to get a cab . They sound very selfish and entitled ..