Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

I’m pushing 60, and every one of my peers I know are way too busy managing a job, supporting children and dealing with elderly parents to drink heavily, take drugs or party whilst cruising. Generalisations aren’t helpful or constructive.

Yanbu. They sound like users. Happy to take, take, take but unwilling to give.

I know, Nanny, especially considering how most people in this age group are now still in FT work, doesn't leave time for drinking every day.

I'm going to make sure that from the age of 60 onwards I am permanently off my face, I think I will have lots of fun in my later years exploring various intoxicants and hallucinogens

I totally understand how you feel OP. My parents were nothing short of shite when my kids were little. And whilst I never expected any help from them, I would have appreciated them not adding to things by expecting to stay in my house and be waited on like guests when I had two small children and worked full time

I think if I was you, I would help them when and if it was convenient for me. And try really hard not to feel guilty about not doing more.

But you are totally NBU

A 50-year-old is not a baby boomer. But the preaching you're doing is so helpful and relevant to the thread (rolls eyes).

I'm pushing 60 and I love to drink given half a chance, but I'd love to be involved with my grandchildren and my adult children much more because they will be/are the most important thing in the world to me and if they want a bit of babysitting or a lift to the station or a weeks shopping etc., there would never be any question of me not providing it if I could and I simply cannot understand why in a normal caring parent and adult child relationship where each party respected the other, this sort of thing would be smugly withheld.

Perhaps you could paraphrase their own words?

"You've always brought me up to be self-reliant. You don't want to be dependent on me for lifts. Here's the telephone number for XXX taxis. Make the most of your independence while you've still got it."

I'm going to make sure that from the age of 60 onwards I am permanently off my face - ooh that sounds tempting, but obviously not on baby-sitting days

Oh, and btw, the link is just a general one. Last thing I wanted to see was yet another photo of those clowns in Parliament.

Heading for 70, still working (of necessity), with a tight-arsed mother of 96, and grown DC/DGC who need financial help. DM has millions in the bank, for a rainy day, presumably. I get really angry with the casual ageism and uncalled-for comments about boomers. I was paying 16% on my mortgage back in the 80s/90s, with a layabout husband who didn't work. I've worked and paid tax for 44 years now, raised 3 kids with almost no help from parents/ILs. I would love to be able to spend a bit on cruises and have a more restful lifestyle.

Don'tDoIt, not sure why you got flamed . I think it is quite possibly true for a minority - but the rest are just selfish and its any excuse - miss their TV soap, any random reason or even no reason.

The basic message is dump the guilt and refuse to be part of an abusive relationship. The actual execution of that is much more complicated for many women, often because of social conditioning into the role.

I meant the drinking thing being true (for a small minority).

@Treadingtheprimrose, I think you just summed up the whole thread in 2 lines 😊

This was me. Gps very much in the 'I've done all that cap.' Then DF got v ill and died a few years ago. I wasn't really able to help then as my children were tiny then. DM went rapidly downhill but did feel guilty for DF so became v hands on with DM. There was a tinge of resentment about the past and I have vowed to be a bit better with my children but, after all is said and done, I'll be burnt out.

All in all, DM's and my relationship has grown closer for it so that is the bottom line but, if I see things getting too much, I have to scale back. The children need me as much in a different way now

Yes, well we old folk don’t have time to hang around being angsty and self-flagellating. Too busy being drunken egocentric eccentrics.
As Yoda said ‘ Do or Do Not. Just don’t fucking whine about your choice’

I'm sure Yoda would secretly love the chance to spend 1000 pages weighing up whether or not he is unreasonable😜

I suspect that wanting to have a drink is often behind this,not wanting to look after GC ,the 55-65 age group are massive drinkers and mine drink from 11am onwards.

Dear god! The stupidity of that statement...

I don't know where to start!

Me too NannyOgg - I don't recognise myself or my friends in many of the outrageous statements I have read on here. The contempt of many on here for people my age has been an eye opener.

I suspect that wanting to have a drink is often behind this,not wanting to look after GC ,the 55-65 age group are massive drinkers and mine drink from 11am onwards.

That must be very difficult to live with, but you can't blame it on their age group. In fact most of us are at work at that time in the morning, or if retired doing something useful. Not drinking the day away.

I am approaching the 55 age group and I am teetotal however I do love the fact that I have loads and loads of free time and I can do what I like when I'm I like
I've given my children quite a lot of financial help and I'm very happy to do that I won't see them struggle when I'm comfortable, I'm not sure how I'd feel though about sacrificing in my free time if they decide to have children

Dontdoitdoris, that was sadly also true for my ILs

They had the DC a few times when they were little, they would drag them along to dinner parties/drinks do's and then drink-drive back

They smoked around the DC, triggering their asthma

So we see them once or twice a year now, never left the kids with them again.

They and their babyboomer friends are all about the booze. They call me uptight and a "social worker" but drink driving the kids was just not ever going to be ok, wtf

They now complain the kids are almost grown up, and they hardly see them...

It has made my teens very anti-drink and anti-smoking, they associate it with "old people" behaving alarmingly (I guess this may still change! But interesting to hear them about alcohol, they think it's sad to be pissed all the time)

Some babyboomers definitely prioritise their drinking over GC

Their choice

Their consequences

The contempt of many on here for people my age has been an eye opener

Me too. Except those people our age who give away money and provide free childcare. They are well beloved
Funny that.

My contempt includes drink-drivers of all ages, if that makes it better

Blimey. So many stereotypes. I’m just over 60. No children, let alone GC. Still doing consultancy work on a freelance basis. Don’t drink during the week. Take exercise. In good health. We’re not all the same. It seems that ageism is the one prejudice that’s approved by the Mumsnet orthodoxy. (And I don’t forget the time we were being charged 15% on the mortgage. Nobody gave us our house).