Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Blimey - who are all these 55 year olds who are getting pissed at 11 am every day? I turn 55 this year and it's probably another 12 years before I'll be able to do that!

there are lots of great GrandParents (which is what the thread is about, not single people in their 60s going to the gym, being healthy, whatever). But lots of selfish GPs too and the stereotypes (though I haven't seen them, more true stories) are about them, in congregate they have more than a grain of truth about them thasall.

I'm 63 and my mother never looked after my children because she didn't have the patience, and she didn't give money because she had none of that either
I never spent time with GPs because by the time I was born they'd passed away. This was more common in those times. Life and expectations are very different now.

Veryquaint, I think she meant slightly older than 55, and was talking from personal experience. She didn't mean everyone by any means so I wouldn't take it personally. Its a small minority but it probably is a strong factor for them.

Perhaps generalising about baby boomers is wrong but i think i can generalise that anyone sitting on a fortune whilst their kids struggle " to teach them the value of money" is a bit of an arse....to put it mildly.
Even if they were poor in their youth.
I did pregnancy alone ...do i want that for dd...no. why!? Bevause i care about her and dont want her to struggle.
I really feel like some parents wont help their kids as a kind of payback for the sacrifices they had to make.

I think what some of us forget us that when we took out mortgages at 16% or in my case 15% we also had 100% mortgages, which isn't the case now. No use saying 'no one gave me a house' cos you could buy one much cheaper than you can now and borrow all the money needed. Young people have it much harder now.

It does seem like the secret to success with adult children is to hand your money over (never mind that you may need it for those care home fees) and provide unlimited childcare. If you do that you'll get a lift to the hospital for your outpatient appointment, otherwise you won't get something I'd do for my next door neighbour without even thinking about it. Only I can't because apparently I'm pissed by lunch time.

I think sometimes that the age women have babies now means their parents are much older, less patience and stamina for little ones. My mother had me at 20 I had my first baby at 23. So she was only 43. We are now looking at a much older set of grandparents many of whom will work until they are 67. Their mothers gave up work upon marriage or first child.

So if I sacrifice everything to give my kids a great life, whilst going without myself, and try really hard to make their childhood amazing, it doesnt count for much, and I will be judged in later life solely on how much child care i take on for my GC and how much money i give my adult children. When i get older i plan on being able to go on holiday at the drop of a hat without being tied to school holidays. I wouldn't mind ad hoc babysitting but wouldn't want to be tied into, say, 2 days a week, 8-6pm. Does this make me a bad person? I never expected my parents to do full days childcare, although it seems part and parcel of being a GC these days.

Pretty poor decision to create entire human beings of your own volition and then claim they owe you because you 'sacrificed' yourself for the decision you made to have them.

Many parents cannot do full time day childcare because they are still working. I think a bit of babysitting, collecting from school, days out in holiday time, being there when the little ones are ill and off nursery, school, to give mum a break. Helping out financially if it does not impact on your own lifestyle. These are things that are appreciated. Childcare in a formal capacity is not advisable what would they do if you were ill or needed to be somewhere else, look after someone else.

• meant to say...to sum up....i think bringing your kids up as best you can is enough. You should help out a bit with GCs but shouldnt be expected to be cheap child care?

It does seem like the secret to success with adult children is to hand your money over (never mind that you may need it for those care home fees) and provide unlimited childcare. If you do that you'll get a lift to the hospital for your outpatient appointment, otherwise you won't get something I'd do for my next door neighbour without even thinking about it. Only I can't because apparently I'm pissed by lunch time.

That is a really unfair characterisation of the OP. Not the only one though.

Is it so strange that someone would like the support and interest of their close family? No, not fulltime childcare but some feeling that they have your back, that you could rely on them, that you are all in one extended boat together. I feel this about siblings, still less my children, so really don't get the quite sour replies about "well all they want is money and a childminder".

No. What the OP wanted (and many of us, luckily, get) is parents who are engaged and interested and prepared to help out in a pinch or an emergency. Parents who wouldn't be happy eating fois gras when they know their children and grandchildren are really struggling. I'm hoping my children will be independent and self-sufficient. I also hope I'll want to see my grandchildren. I also hope that if a child needed help and I could give it I would. As I said I'd do that for a sibling or a parent. Why on earth would I begrudge my child?

I think a lot of people do think responsibility to children ends at about age 16 or maybe 18 at a push and then it is over. I don't. After that age they are young adults but still part of my family, my extended family. We help each other out - and we manage it without become full-time childminders or handing over our entire pay packet.

I know too many people with parents like this. Retired early to live fairly insular and selfish, indulgent lives. They will reap what they sew later in life.

It’s quite different for my family and I acknowledge how lucky I am. My grandparents were wonderful and the care went both ways. It’s the same with my mum. We all help each other.

I think it’s a bit of a middle class trend. You don’t often see this in working class families.

That is a really unfair characterisation of the OP. Not the only one though

I didn't read that as a characterisation of the OP, but of the general theme of the following, increasingly entitled to money and childcare posts. And blatantly ageist.

Blatantly ageist posts, that is.

Perfect mum2jakie

You reap what you have sown. Do as much or as little as you want OP. They had their chance and blew it (& I'm a grandparent and a boomer BTW).

I don't even think it's just about helping your children, if you want a relationship with your GC then you need to put some effort in- and by effort I mean spend time with them in one or another. So going on a lovely cruise is absolutely fine as long as you then take the kid out for lunch or something.

Hell, my son has met my mum once as far as he can remember, yet he knows her and loves her. He spotted her first in the airport and ran straight to her.

Only give the help you feel comfortable and willing to give.
Do not have your parents move in if you are not 100% sure, it will end in tears.
Do not give more of yourself than you can afford to give as it will end in resentment and damage your relationship.

It isn't about money most of the time. My parents have (deliberately) caused me to lose many thousands of pounds so that they could turn a situation to their own benefit , but I don't care so much about that. What I've always wanted from them is empathy, understanding and love.

When my baby died, my mother didn't come to the hospital because she "had a business to run". I knew about her business because I'd run it for her for years, for no pay, and she could have come if she'd wanted to. She wasn't traumatised, or too distressed, she really is that selfish.

I have a business too (and I did when I was also running hers) and that will be my response when she wants something from me.

Ahh, the “nobody gave us anything” generation.

I’d be saying “sorry, too busy raising my kids and working to help you”

They made their beds.

TBF Yabbers, ssd immediately pointed out that there were advantages as well and she's from the same generation just nicer.

There's a few posters saying that they happily helped their families and they're baby boomers as well just nice ones.

I agree with you and would feel miffed. DH and I are recently early retired being at the end of the baby boomer generation but we do help out our daughters financially and with childcare, babysitting. We helped with deposits for houses as we were able to and take our family on holidays as we are lucky enough to afford to do that and feel that most youngsters will struggle to buy houses with prices as they are now. Redressing the balance by helping out our children as they are hard working feels right. Your parents sound selfish and entitled and I am not sure why they would expect help from you given they effectively washed their hands of you from 18. You reap as you sow. However don't be surprised if they cut you from their wills in favour of a cats home or such.

Ahh, the “nobody gave us anything” generation

I’d be saying “sorry, too busy raising my kids and working to help you”

They made their beds

Bizarre.