Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Aging parents need qualified carers not unqualified relatives ...
I have mixed feeling about my dad but on balance he has been a great help but he and his partner admitted the other day they are looking foward to the gc growing up so that they don't have to do any babysitting!
Then there are other grandparents who are desperate to take the gc away for the week on holiday. ( not our parents.)
It's the grandparents who show no interest at all that dont deserve help .

@Seymour and @HollywoodBoulevard my heart goes out to you both

My own parents received a lot of help from my grandparents, financial and with childcare.
They don't help me with my children, and I don't ask. They are very wealthy, and in great health and we get on well.
But- long runs the hare. I won't be their caretakers after my children are grown, and I hope to be just like my own grandparents and foster a great relationship with any grandkids I may have.
I made my peace with it a long time ago, everyone picks their own path

I remember sleeping over at both sets of GP growing up. In over 13 years, my healthy retired DM who lived ten minutes away never had our DC for a sleepover once. Never.
FIL was discussing the cost of care homes the other day and actually said to DH and SIL "so you'd better look after us," i.e., or the inheritance will all be used up. As SIL lives next door, has had 90% of any help offered and benefitted from financial assistance we've never had, I know who'll be repaying the vast majority of any care needed. The sad thing is PIL have hundreds of thousands in the bank, but would rather their grown up busy DC run round after them than spend any of it on making their lives safer and more comfortable. Just don't understand it.

Let them get on with it op, they let you.

I think for me i wouldn't resent the wealth so much if they didn't dangle it like a carrot to keep you in line...or in my case to criticise my poverty. After all they have worked so hard all their livescwhich is why they are rich and i have bad budgeting skills and cannot get a job hence my poverty.
No mention of any money they have inherited and no intention of educating themselves about zero hour contracts and the gig economy...

My DH is an only child, my in laws had daily help from his grandparents from when DH turned 3 and both of his parents worked full time from then on. His grandparents did all the school runs, school holidays etc, his parents never paid for childcare. DH himself says that his grandparents raised him. When DH’s nan became ill several years ago, his mum did a lot of the caring, but DH took a lot of unpaid time off to help his mum with the burden even though he wasn’t physically needed. We didn’t have a lot of money at the time so I worked a lot of long shifts to make up the shortfall. I thought it was lovely he was helping his family.

2 years ago I had a miscarriage. I was told to come to the hospital one evening, accompanied, as they were concerned about internal bleeding. It was 9pm and 2 year old DS was in bed. DH called his mum and asked her to come over so he could take me to hospital. She refused. Fortunately my own mum is a little less heartless so she came over instead. I was admitted to hospital that night with a haemorrhage. I had surgery and then developed a womb infection.

They come round about twice a month and sit as far away from the DC as possible, won’t play with them, but post pictures and memes on Facebook which make out that they are the doting grandparents.

So YANBU OP. DH will no doubt help his parents when the time comes, but I certainly won’t be doing so.

I sympathize with OP. My husband's parents only have one grandchild and never helped with anything for him. Cruises to Norway, round the world trip, holidays to Canada etc and never bought DS anything. Even now, MIL is hoarding money, insisting on withdrawing some every week. She has same hairdresser as me. I've helped her get to hairdressers every week for expensive colours /blow drys etc and she tips generously. She will not give a penny to us

YANBU. You aren't close and if they're well off they can manage a cab for a short while. If it turned into a long term thing they'd probably not think to offer you petrol money from sound of it: & you'd have also have set a precedent by doing first stint free.

YANBU
St. John's ambulance organise hospital transport for people in your dads situation, or he can get cabs as they are minted. Sod em

Its clear the OPs parents dont want a close relationship with her and their GC.
Mine were similar,the relationship just isnt there and all those saying DC will think you selfish are wrong.
They will feel the absence of caring GP and will wonder why the behaved like this-mine do.
I suspect that wanting to have a drink is often behind this,not wanting to look after GC ,the 55-65 age group are massive drinkers and mine drink from 11am onwards.
Then lunch followed by a nap and then pre dinner drinks etc.
Their life and choice but their GC arent remotely close to them as a result .

I’d simply say “sorry busy with children” and hang up on them a few times. If they want an explanation then tell them exactly what you’ve said here

I suspect that wanting to have a drink is often behind this,not wanting to look after GC ,the 55-65 age group are massive drinkers and mine drink from 11am onwards.

That's a massive generalisation!

I suspect that wanting to have a drink is often behind this,not wanting to look after GC ,the 55-65 age group are massive drinkers and mine drink from 11am onwards

So because your parents get pissed up early, a whole age group do? I know statistics can be hard to get your head round, but really. .

YANBU.

Sometimes I do wonder if that generation are one of the most selfish ever. There are exceptions. Many sit on their money whilst their grown children and grandchildren seriously struggle, and never offer to lift a finger in terms of childcare, or indeed anything at all! I'm sure the thread has moved on OP but I wouldn't be offering or agreeing to taxis. He can afford his own. Bloody cheek. On a more practical note, just keep making excuses why you can't do stuff . Blame work, children, other demands, or feign illness as necessary.

I think often people end up generalising as they see people from a different generation from a specific social circle and it's tempting to think the majority is that way.

Seeing as now both parents often work and we'll be expected to work until later, not to mention this generation is having children later... I'm not sure how many will be able to provide care even if they're willing.

My dad's dead so it won't be an issue, but would I fuck be willing to care for him. And I've always said my grandma was spectacularly lucky my mum was willing to care for her, no way would I have done it in her place.

However, I'll help my mum as much as I can as she's completely different and our relationship is close.

I'm amazed at one of the running themes of this thread is that people expect to be given money by their parents. Why?

betty I know its a tough one; some people even expect love and respect from them. They seem to be disappointed too.

I'm amazed at one of the running themes of this thread is that people expect to be given money by their parents. Why?

I'm amazed at one of the running themes of this thread is that people expect their adult children to provide social care for them, especially in this day and age of people having to move for work, work FT for longer and often have children later in life due to financial constraints, and especially the idea that adults owe social care to their parents in return for their existence. Why?

My parents have helped but money has been paid back. They helped immensely with love and support and were wonderful grandparents to my older children, old age caught up by the time I had my last child. They have been very supportive of all their children.

I suspect that wanting to have a drink is often behind this,not wanting to look after GC ,the 55-65 age group are massive drinkers and mine drink from 11am onwards.

Dear god! The stupidity of that statement...

I don't know where to start!

because (ooohbetty) if as a parent your children and grandchildren were seriously going without, no car, homeless maybe, etc etc despite their attempts to do the right thing re. work and so forth, and you were well off, retired, and flush enough to spend £20K on holidays a year, you just might give them a bit of help now and again. anyway, its not just the money; its the complete lack of any interest and support. GPs who are selfish with money are usually selfish in every way btw.

I don't know the answer, OP, but DH is in a similar situation with his DM. -She refused to help her own DM, so it was left to us. She hasn't helped out with our D.C. She isn't bothered with DH. He's found it hugely hurtful, and in a few years she will need help and I think it will be down to me, as DH feels so hurt, whereas I'm neutral. The grandchildren aren't close to her, and all in all it's a bit sad, as they'd go out of their way to do anything for their other grandparents.

I personally could never live in wealth and affluence whilst my kids struggled and went without (spending due to addiction problems and the like excepted). Just, how could you? I enjoy sharing what we have with our kids.

Oh dear I see that I touched a nerve with a few people I suspect !
Sadly yes my DP prioritise alcohol over their GC.
Not sure why thats my fault though

Baby boomers warned over drinking as alcohol-linked deaths in over-50s soar

www.theguardian.com