Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

We have tried convincing mil to go into sheltered accommodation but she refuses - she doesn't have to because sil does all the caring and sil hates her life as a consequence and doesn't feel able to say no, feels like it's her duty.....she's incredibly demanding and when she doesn't get what she wants she cries and everyone gives in
this woman is willfully crushing her DIL, sucking the life out of her like a tiny old vampire
this is appalling, no one should be in the DIL's situation, she needs rescuing

I am with you on this OP. My parents have done bugger all to help me raise my kids, despite their own parents helping them when they had small kids. I am pretty skint right now, but they have just had their third cruise of the year, they don't offer to babysit. Ever. And that's all fine, but I know they will expect me to be their carer when they are elderly. Not going to happen.

@HoozThatGirl I agree that the level of ageism on this thread is shocking. Some of the comments are just horrible.

Seymour I really feel for you

Livingla just keep up the appearance of being too poor/ill/depressed to help anyone, and make sure you dont live near them
It's not hard, you just have to plan ahead and be strategic

I think some older people, who are fit and reasonably well, simply don't feel equal to it any more. Having spent many years of caring for their own children and being tied to routine - not to mention the huge responsibility of looking after a child that isn't your own, and being given rules and regulations (as appears to be common on MN).
I don't think it's about holidays, really.

But OP didn't seem to be asking for regular childcare. Even as a one-off they said no. Holidays come into it because they illustrate they have loads of spending money and didn't help out OP at all financially.

I actually don't think YABU at all.
And I also don't understand parents that could help their kids either financially or in terms of hands on support and choose not to. It's not something I will do with mine when the time comes. They don't turn 18 and stop being your children.

HollywoodBoulevard I'm so sorry to read your account but believe it absolutely.

RosaWaiting. Thank you. I don't want pity at all. I would just like posters to realise elderly parents start off with having a small illness then it quickly becomes a big illness and, at the end of the day, it's the people closest to them who are responsible for their care and well being. There is very little help out there. And a lot of guilt for asking for support.

People can take from my posts what the wish (not you obviously). Sometimes people have to live it to believe it. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that ill, vulnerable, elderly people have no health support - other than from family.

I appreciate your concern but it's not needed honestly

I'm leaving this thread now.

No. I really didn't have a choice. I was named as his next of kin so any problems I had to oversee. When he was 86 he had Alzheimer's. SS made it my responsibility to look after him. They refused point blank to put him in a nursing home. SS have this cop out that people should remain at home for as long as they can. There are very limited resources for Alzheimer's patients. They put cameras in his house to record when he went out. The camera was linked to my phone(not my choice believe me).

Rubbish, you had a choice. SS can not force someone to care for their elderly relative.

I am guessing your father wanted to remain at home and had capacity to make that decision. SS cannot just put older people into nursing homes just because it makes YOUR/relative life easier.

If you refused to do any care, SS would have implemented a package of care.for him.

If he was dehydrated, you could have phoned the ambulance or adult social care stating you concerns he wasn't getting enough liquid.

I feel for you OP. My MIL helps my SIL with regular childcare but not us and it upsets me a bit. However I know who will be looking after MIL in old age too and it won’t be me!

ukgift2016 SS do not force anyone to be the next of kin. I worked in the NHS for years with people with Alzheimer’s and other Dementias and there were plenty of their children saying no to being next of kin and refused to be involved in their parents or relatives care.

That was meant as a response to Seymoursyourfriend.

I wouldn't be putting myself out. I'd be "I'm sorry, I have an appointment. Would you like me to call a taxi for you"

Same here op. Two sets of grandparents and they both are very busy. They see our four dc once a year. No childcare, no help offered. I had a 4th c-section with my last. We made it plain it was a hugely risky op for me with a long recovery time.

Not one of them even asked who was looking after the other kids while the birth was taking place. Upshot was, our babysitter let us down the next day plus it was August so most friends were on holiday or with their own families so dh could not come for any lengh of time with the other 3 so i was days alone with our newborn. No help either on my return. Just so absent. And its always the same. Even when we see them for a week they never offer to help. The book goes up the crossword gets read. The walk gets walked and there they are, our children longing for grandparents who give a fuck. Its just sad.

Sorry for you op. I would just carry on has you are. I think they have let you down tbh. Thouse examples of their behaviour and non-generousity were not great. Do not let them take your life.

I would not want dd to care for me in my old age. Why would i when there are plenty of qualified nurses out there who would do a much better job ( and who are less likely to bump me off for the inheritance! ) ?
I'm joking but in all honestly why people expect their kids to nurse them in old age is beyond me .

100% agree, they could have helped, they chose not too. Help them if you want to when it has no impact on you, they will soon realise Kama is a bitch

Why are grandparents like this? Mine were very involved and as a result they were very loved. Perhaps cruises etc weren't so much of a thing 40 odd years ago and families were generally much closer.

Yanbu.
At all.

I'm joking but in all honestly why people expect their kids to nurse them in old age is beyond me .

Exactly. What if they move to Australia? Or have really full on jobs? Or kids with SEN?

Keeg, I really hope you're taking all this on board and nipping this in the bud with regards to their wanting you to provide care to them in old age.

I will absolutely not be helping my parents either
DF ran off years ago with another woman and now he’s widowed and lonely he has remembered he has DC and expects support. NO

DM is only 60 but has decided she’s going to be 80yo, requires lifts everywhere, never plays with DC’s, sulks when she isn’t invited over every single weekend and blatantly comes to your house for free food and to sit on her giant bum for a few hours.

I have my own DC and would rather plow all my time and energy into their lives (and my Dsis children), they are wonderful little people and deserve all of me. DP’s do not deserve it in my mind. They were awful parents when I was little never put us first so no way am I putting them first

I agree with you OP, I certainly wouldn’t be letting them move in with you. I’d definitely feel resentment that your son missed out because they chose watching a film over looking after your daughter.

I think parents should help their adult children out if they can, whether that is with money or time, and I cannot for the life of me imagine not helping my daughter if I was able to.

a 96 y/o and an 86 y/o readily acknowledge that very elderly people such as themselves are a problem
furthermore a problem that they are glad they didnt have to put up with

To be fair I said it was a problem that MOST people their age didn't have - having said that, my maternal grandfather lived until he was 85, so they did have him to think about, but most of their contemporaries didn't.

They do acknowledge the problems caused by an ageing population of course - it is a fact.

Oh - and it is a 90 year old, not 96.

I'm with you OP. Let them get taxis and sort themselves out.