Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

There's a great deal of FOG in those posts seymour.

I think some older people, who are fit and reasonably well, simply don't feel equal to it any more. Having spent many years of caring for their own children and being tied to routine - not to mention the huge responsibility of looking after a child that isn't your own, and being given rules and regulations (as appears to be common on MN).
I don't think it's about holidays, really.

What does “don’t feel equal to it” mean please?

It very often comes up on threads about gps being asked to do REGULAR childcare that people do not want to be “tied down” in case they want to go on a spontaneous cruise / safari / whatever. I don’t blame them for that, but then when it comes to their own care in later life, they shouldn’t be surprised if they receive the same treatment from the children and grandchildren they didn’t have time for and to whom they did not want to be tied.

Sitdownstandup

There's a great deal of FOG in those postsseymour

Ok if that's what you think. I'm not going to lay out every detail of my life.

Maybe you will be in a similar position one day. I hope not. But who knows?

It's only when you live a nightmare will you understand.

I hope you weren't looking for kudos for throwing yourself under the bus like you did seymore. It's not ok to expect people to ruin their own happiness just because you did.

Ah to be fair meme, I think seymore was telling the op NOT to do what she did, as it is a very long slog.

Yanbu.
They've managed to acquire wealth without fostering goodwill favours.
They can pay for their cabs. They can sort out their care. They're lucky.

My advice for OP is never to put yourself forward as a child of your parents. The sentence is too long. Just be prepared for the consequences.

Unless it's a typo, this seems like a sarcastic dig?

It certainly wasn't a criticism Seymore. The account you give sounds very much like you got the full on gatekeeping experience from some council or other, and it did what it's meant to do, ie make someone else who isn't well equipped to navigate the system bear the cost. I don't view that as the fault of the carer.

As for it happening to me, things like that don't tend to when I'm helping loved ones get resources and care from the state, because of privilege. I have professional qualifications, confidence, I'm good at navigating systems and gatekeepers to services take me more seriously because of that. I'm pretty sure these things make a difference because I remember what it was like when I didn't have them. It's a rotten system.

I think Seymour was also trying to point out the bullying and pressure from Social Services Not the first time ive seen that on here

When there is next a report about an elderly person who has died take a look at the comments underneath.

They will be "where was their relative" "couldnt their daughter/son/grandchild have done their bit.

No matter if the relatives are working/zero hours contracts etc. It will be the family who receive the finger pointing.

SS know this. And take full advantage of it.

They're your parents, why would you expect them to look after or finance your children. If you feel like this towards your parents perhaps you're not the best person to look after them anyway.

why on earth would they expect her to look after them now? they told her where to go...

Unless it's a typo, this seems like a sarcastic dig?

I didn’t read it as sarcastic at all! I thought she meant that the op should never put herself forward as one of her parent’s NoK. As she clearly does not want to be heavily involved in their care, (fair enough really), and she might find herself more involved than she would like to be if she is NoK.

Maybe I’m misreading though...

I hope you weren't looking for kudos for throwing yourself under the bus like you didseymore. It's not ok to expect people to ruin their own happiness just because you did

Not at all. I regret ever having called SS for support with my dad. I never received any and in doing so i became accountabkefir my dad. I urge OP never to put herself in that position.

Meanwhile whatever care you give to your parents, or not, Is your decision.

On the subject of next of kin, it isn't an official concept in UK law and you cannot be made to act as one. I say that just in case it helps anyone reading, rather than to take issue with anyone's account of their previous actions.

Interesting thread.

My dad was an alcoholic when I was a child/teen. I’ve witnessed him domestically abuse two women (one was my mum). He kept me awake all hours of the night by drunkenly rampaging into my room, sometimes chasing my mum. Before my GCSEs I fitted a bolt to my door to keep him out but he just woke me up anyway by hammering on it.

No lifts or anything, we didn’t have a car for a long time as he lost his licence drink driving, then when he owned a a car again he could not ferry me around as he wanted to drink instead (my mum wasn’t allowed to drive). From 15-17 I had a boyfriend who lived about 30 mins away. Dad would often promise to collect me evenings but then leave me there as he was drunk, police were often called to my parents domestics and recommended I stay elsewhere. I was staying at the boyfriend’s regularly while still at school and then my boyfriend started to hit me and sexually coerce me, I was an easy target and had nowhere safe to go.

I could go on with the next part about my dad meeting the next woman and abusing her for 8 years but would be here all day!

He gave up drinking 10 years ago and now suffers chronic back pain at 75 years old (wheelchair most of the time, he is in a bad way). I have tried to help him as much as I can with appointments and shopping but I have two children and work full time shift work. The more I have tried to help the more abusive he gets. (Screaming at me because he thinks the ham I’ve bought him has too short a date). He harassed me regularly by leaving 8 voicemails in a row while I was at work, screaming threats etc. Lying about everything, verbally abusing medical professionals etc.

I had a nervous breakdown last year over it all so my dad promptly disowned me and the DC. I’ve never been permitted to feel sad, or angry. If I try to express unhappiness I get dropped like a hot potato. Then tried 6 months later called up to rope me back in to doing his shopping and hospital appointments. DH told him I was not well enough and put his foot down. My dad claims high rate attendance allowance at £85 a week which is supposed to be for help at home. It he has never spent a penny of it - just stashes it in the bank.

Since then I have been harassed by my 77 year old aunt who has been absolutely vicious to me in saying I should be caring for my dad and I’m an awful selfish person. They have tried to turn my DH against me by saying I’m lying and an unfit parent who shouldn’t be working full time.

My DC have witnessed a lot of this and my DH has pointed out that they are becoming people pleasers (someone says Jump and they say how high). The guilt that I’m not helping my dad is horrendous though, I’ve been trained like a dog since childhood to obey him.

Sorry - bit of an extreme example but just wanted to explain how deep these things go.

As I see it, we all establish the way we interact with our families through life. If you are not very hands on with your family, why would your relationships change just because you are in need, if you have never been interested.
I looked after my elderly parents, but we had much help from them when our dc were little. My sisters didn't have the same relationship, and were seen very little until inheritance.

I think it's very easy to get pulled into caring and very hard for lots of people to say no. We have tried convincing mil to go into sheltered accommodation but she refuses - she doesn't have to because sil does all the caring and sil hates her life as a consequence and doesn't feel able to say no, feels like it's her duty - it's easy for people to say just say no - in practice many people find it difficult and many old people become very me, me me. We can't help because we live too far away - mil won't stay with us to give Sil a break - she's incredibly demanding and when she doesn't get what she wants she cries and everyone gives in.

Shocking, appalling ageism on this thread.
If some of these generalisations were applied to race, religion or sex they would be deleted.

I think it's very easy to get pulled into caring and very hard for lots of people to say no.

That is why the best course of action is to not get involved at all with people like the OP's parents. No amount of chatting or pointing out or 'they'll see their mistake' is ever going to work with people like this because they are inherently selfish and entitled and indulging them at all just gives them the green light to become more and more selfish and demanding. The logical thing would be for him to have booked a taxi, but he feels entitled to the OP's time and money to proffer lifts. It will never end there if she doesn't say NO right now.

HollywoodBoulevard look at it this way, he actively chose to harm (and two other women).

By not helping him, you aren't hurting him, you're just withdrawing and protecting yourself.

Is he worth more to you than your marriage? Your children? As both are being negatively impacted by him.

And he's not even grateful or nice to you!

I am not sure how old the OP's parents are. Aren't baby boomers those born between 1946-64? They might not even be baby boomers.

I am a baby boomer and have a parent of 90 and one of 86. Interestingly, they consider themselves to be better off than baby boomers and any generation after them. They say it is because they could get jobs, they could get houses, their children could get free education and get on the housing ladder and most of them didn't have to worry about their own parents living to such a great age.

The worst thing they remember from their childhood is being evacuated and rationing - but I know they were very poor.

There's a bit of a gap between giving a lift to the hospital and asking your DPs to live with you OP. It really depends what you can do. If you work, I'm assuming you can't do endless lifts in the middle of the day so I'd just do what you can if I were you. I don't think your DPs were obligated to provide childcare TBH (I would never expect this and I doubt by DPs would do it if I did have DC). Also, I don't see what's wrong with wearing second-hand clothes. I can't quite tell from your OP whether YABU or not really.

*my DPS

HollywoodBoulevard you have been treated appallingly, can you get some therapy to help you break your conditioning so that you can bin all these abusive leeches?

and most of them didn't have to worry about their own parents living to such a great age

a 96 y/o and an 86 y/o readily acknowledge that very elderly people such as themselves are a problem
furthermore a problem that they are glad they didnt have to put up with