Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

I am 75 and have willingly provided regular childcare for 12 years now. It used to be full days up to 3 a week for 2 boys. Now it is three after school pickups and care. It has always been my delight and my privilege.I want nothing in return. I feel loved and needed and what more could any mother/grandma want? One day I may need to ask for help but not as payment just as part of a developing relationship.

If it were me, I would only help if it was convenient. I definitely wouldn’t go out of my way to assist them.
They should bloody well pay for taxis
That’s the thing about GPS like this, they don’t realise that they will eventually grow old and their children and grandchildren will not give a shit
As another poster said, you reap what you sow.

Parents make the decision to have children themselves, so children don't owe them payback for providing care

But by that reasoning, their children choose to have children as well.
So they should look after their own children, AND their children's children, but nobody wants to help them?
Something wrong there.

I think I'd be saying to Mum and Dad, that just like they prioritise (as they have every right to do), their wants and needs in retirement, you prioritise you and your family's wants and needs. So if they really need help, then yes, I'll do what I can to provide it within those boundaries.

But particularly while they are more than able to sort themselves out, for example, with getting to appointments themselves, then they should be doing that, and not expecting me to do it for them. If they've got the means to get a cab, while they aren't able to drive for example, then it would be preferable if they did that - if they didn't need me there for emotional support for example. (E.g, when Dad had cancer, I took them to his appointments, to give them support, listen and remember what was said, and act as their advocate, even though they could get themselves there physically.

It also gives them a chance to reflect, and if they do and feel it could be in their interests, perhaps to change their outlook and their ways a little.

I have family who have given bugger all help, but by crikey, they always seem to remember our phone number when it comes to wanting some themselves. At this point, I'm very much, when it comes to the ones who have very much been given all the help - you had the best of 'em, now you have the rest of them.

Please remember your children are learning from you .
So if they see you not helping you parents well they are going to learn like you have that is ok not to help your parents .
Do don't do everything and do ask for petrol money .
Do moan to your kids about your parents but show them how kind it it help people out when you can .

Hopefully you will be able to look after your grandchildren when the times .
But
Y

Obviously nobody is OBLIGATED to do that, but I do not understand people who balk and clutch their pearls at the very idea. ME?! Do childcare once a week?! What about me ‘olidays angry?!

I think some older people, who are fit and reasonably well, simply don't feel equal to it any more. Having spent many years of caring for their own children and being tied to routine - not to mention the huge responsibility of looking after a child that isn't your own, and being given rules and regulations (as appears to be common on MN).
I don't think it's about holidays, really.

When my children were young I asked my parents if they would have them after school, twice a week, for a couple of hours, so I could return to work. My MIL was happy to have them the other 3 days. My mum was happy to have them. My dad was not. Although my parents didn't do anything except stay at home my dad didn't want to be "tied down with looking after somebody else's kids".

Sadly my mum died when she was 70. My dad then decided he wanted to see more of his family and perched himself in my living room every day. When he was 82 he became Ill. Who had to run around after him? Me of course! He died at 95. I had no choice really than to put my life on hold to care for a cantankerous, selfish old man who only ever put his own needs first, for 20 years! I resented every minute to be honest.

I'd be saying 'You made it clear that you expect people to look after themselves and not rely on others. Therefore, we are expecting you to be independent and take a taxi.'

I would use this opportunity to set a precedent. Otherwise you will end up being their carers at the sacrifice of your own career. They sound very selfish, and not like most baby boomers that I know.

OP I've had support from GPs when my kids were smaller, and it was offered (one afternoon childcare for one dc for 6 months, occasional babysitting/sleepovers etc). When my mum (divorced) needed me for practical and emotional support during and after cancer treatment I moved heaven and earth to do as much as I possibly could - being a very much single parent and having just started a full-time job and going through some tough times myself - and my perceived LACK OF support because i didn't drop everything has been recently thrown back at me!

Whatever you decide to do has the potential to come back at you, be misinterpreted by your parents and others as you not caring. You have to do what is right for you and your dcs. If you can help them and you are available then drop them at the hospital. But they have each other for emotional support and it sounds like they can afford taxis etc.

I had no choice really than to put my life on hold to care for a cantankerous, selfish old man who only ever put his own needs first, for 20 years!

You certainly did have a choice. You could have told him NO. No one forced you to take him in or run around after him. You had every right to not even indulge him when he started wanting to leech off you. Similarly, the OP is at a good point not to even start going down that road by using one of the many good suggestions here to let them know she won't be providing lifts to hospital and then more and more care.

Regardless of what they did or didn't do for you, if they can afford a taxi they should get one. Why on earth wouldn't they? Be very careful what you start, people do not improve with age, they get frailer and more demanding. Nows the time to start spending what they 'worked all their lives for' surely? What else is it all for?

You certainly did have a choice. You could have told himNO. No one forced you to take him in or run around after him. You had every right to not even indulge him when he started wanting to leech off you. Similarly, the OP is at a good point not to even start going down that road by using one of the many good suggestions here to let them know she won't be providing lifts to hospital and then more and more care

No. I really didn't have a choice. I was named as his next of kin so any problems I had to oversee. When he was 86 he had Alzheimer's. SS made it my responsibility to look after him. They refused point blank to put him in a nursing home. SS have this cop out that people should remain at home for as long as they can. There are very limited resources for Alzheimer's patients. They put cameras in his house to record when he went out. The camera was linked to my phone(not my choice believe me).

When the alarm went off at 3am guess who had to go looking for him? I had many a falling out with SS and healthcare workers. Even when I told them I was no longer able to care for him they left him on his own. A vulnerable, scared, angry old man, who couldn't remember to eat his dinner or have a drink. And, later, didn't know his name or where he lived.

I resented having my life taken up by making sure his needs were met. I was angry, scared..... But when it's our own father what can you do? I would have given anything to be relieved of the burden. Sadly people don't realise how much help and support is not there until it happens to them.

Awful situation. Because you are e decent person you're never going to be happy telling them to sort themselves out, and yet you are right to be mightily pissed off given their lack of involvement. Feel your pain (sadly no advice)

Actually I have got some advice. Talk them through selling up and moving into sheltered accommodation.

Girlraised in the south
As a grandmother of 10 and a babyboomer I seriously resent your stereotype remark. I got no help at all bringing up 4, and have given loads of help to my children and their family. in child care, time and money.
OP you should not expect help from your parents, that boat has sailed. If you choose to help them now or not is really down to your relationship with them, which sounds pretty rubbish from where I sit. You resent them and you dont care for them. The end

No. I really didn't have a choice. I was named as his next of kin so any problems I had to oversee.

Yes, you really did have a choice. NO ONE can force an adult to become a carer for another adult. You could have refused to answer, changed your phone, not come to the door. You chose that. He was a shit parent to you and you were under no obligation to look after him. But capitulating and 'what can you do?' you ultimately chose to look after him, but no one forced you.

Feel your pain op!

My parents have been exactly the same!

No answers just

As they want to enjoy retirement over helping their children then you are entitled to enjoy your leisure time over helping them out. You could just make excuses as you go along and if they say anything tell them that you are happy to help if necessary but between work, chores and kids stuff you don't have a lot of leisure time and you want to enjoy that precious time and as things are they are able to pay for taxis.

Bloody hell Seymour - you've had it rough. However, you really did have a choice. There's no law that would force you to look after your parent.

I am dreading the day that I am asked to get involved with my parents' day to day care. I am going to have to be strong and say no. For my own health. For my children. For my marriage.

Yes, you really did have a choice. NO ONE canforcean adult to become a carer for another adult. You could have refused to answer, changed your phone, not come to the door. You chose that. He was a shit parent to you and you were under no obligation to look after him. But capitulating and 'what can you do?' you ultimately chose to look after him, but no one forced you

You know best obviously. Nobody with an ounce of humanity would be ok with calling on their parent and find them dead because they died of malnutrition or dehydration.

If you would be happy with that then we will have to disagree.

I was not happy at all with the circumstances. I resented every waking moment. But the guilt of leaving my then vulnerable dad to die a merciless death that I could have prevented was too much.

My advice for OP is never to put yourself forward as a child of your parents. The sentence is too long. Just be prepared for the consequences.

for OP

Yeah.....the result of saying no to being a carer is the council spitefully let people die

Sounds like they did the bare minimum for you as a child.

Luckily you sound like you actually love your children, they'll be the better for it.

YANBU. They can sort themselves out, selfish fuckers.

The only good thing to say about your parents is at least they were straight up about their lack of intention to offer you care and support. My PIL who are older than BB gave all the chat but offer no support whatsoever. My FIL spent years telling everyone how he loves children so much, etc. etc. but he does not even look at my son and actively ignores him but still pretends how he loves children. Whereas my dad describes DS as his best mate!
I will return their attitude and offer PIL no support.
My parents, BB, live hundreds of miles away, are so selfless and supporting.
It is not about a balance sheet of who does what, it is just care and support, knowing someone has your back. When you have young children just knowing someone will try to help you when you really need it offers immense comfort.
I would do anything for my parents (but I would still go to work to earn money to pay for a carer for them rather than do all that myself).

I'm with you.
You don't wash your hands of your children the minute they're 18, you know theres a possibility of grand children etc and thats how it works.

Tell them to sort themselves out and if they ask why, explain.

Seymour that's awful, sounds like you were literally blackmailed