Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Sorry post aimed at sar203 saying you owe parents for bringing you up

Look after the vulnerable. It's the right thing to do and doing otherwise will not make you happy.

Sometimes, being the 'bigger person' doesn't mean taking on more and more until you are bled dry.

And since when does being 'better' matter?

Who ultimately gives a shit if OP gives and gives until she feels used up and hates life?

Does she get a medal of pure martyrdom?

Will she get anything AT ALL?

No.

She would get nothing.

So, op, make yourself a better person.......by being happier.
If that means keeping the relationship a casual one, then do that.

I can relate to them not wanting the paid care, but family totally

So can I, but do be careful here; IME "don't want" anyone other than family can easily turn into "won't", which causes endless problems when professional care is genuinely the only option

Since your DPs can easily afford assistance there's a lot to be said for helping out only on things you're comfortable with - and a very good reason for this is that it will help them to stay independent, which can be the greatest "gift" of all

I wonder why they want you to give them lifts when they have a million in the bank and 80k income a year?

Could they be trying to wean you into a caring role already? Do both drive?

That's exactly what they're aiming for. They don't want to spend money when they can get the OP to do it for free. They feel entitled for the OP to do it. She already said they drive but her dad cannot temporarily.

I intend to model great care of my DM as she ages, so that my DC do that for me when the time comes I didn't have kids to see after me in old age...that expectation is really quite unreasonable imo.

Honestly, as for the lifts, I'd tell them something like..
"It's probably best you start using taxis, as you get older you'll need to rely on them for everything so best get into the habit now"

I agree with the average response of the thread. Basically don't over think it. You neither need to do this because you are their child, nor need to not do this because they didn't treat you so well in the past. Just make your own decision based on what you WANT to do in each situation as it arises. Probably that will mean letting them get on with the routine, but being there in the emergencies...but it might not...just do what you want!

Help if you WANT to, don't help if you don't.

If you ARE saying 'no' then I'd definitely be mentioning how hard it is to juggle your life though. A few 'sorry I can't help you out - its so difficult and time consuming looking after a child with SEN' would definitely not go amiss to make them understand why they can't expect anything from you given they didn't give you any help when you needed it. Maybe even a few 'I'm so busy with all the kids activities - its tiring but I feel its important to give them opportunities'.

Every so often my DDad suddenly exclaims that he wishes he'd done X, Y, Z more with his kids, now he sees how we are with ours. He was well meaning and did a reasonable job for the times...so I tend to reassure him in these situations...but its definitely possible to demonstrate the behaviour you wish you'd had from your parents....

YANBU OP, I'm in a similar situation with my parents.

Don't be guilted into doing anything you don't want. If they can afford £12k a year holidays, they can afford taxis.

You reap what you sow, as they are starting to find out.

Good response about the taxis, Meme.

The baby boomer generation will go down in history as the most entitled generation ever.

Yes, that’s why so many of my friends do childcare (whilst sorting out elderly parents), give money frequently just to help, or actually fork over house deposits. Not to mention those that have taken equity release to help Now and not wait till they die.
Some are still working and many are volunteering.

Let’s just stick with the lazy, nasty, generalisations shall we?

YANBU. I would feel just the same as you.

think this whole thread is a sad indication of western society. Our family structures are so toxic that none of the generations seem to be able to stand each other...let alone help.

That's not true at all. DH and I both support our parents and have been supported by them as adults. Neither parents are rich but when we just started out they helped us loads with moving (FiL drove a van for us before we could drive and my dad helped with DIY), advice, even though they aren't close enough to help with childcare often they're always a listening ear and take an interest in the grandkids. Now we're better off we offer financial support to parents so they can have nice little luxuries and we visit regularly and always make sure we give help when needed. That's how it works in families where you love each other - you give help help when you can as it's needed.

OP's parents don't seem to care much about her - they haven't offered help even when it would have been enormously helpful and very easy for them to give. This has affected OP's relationship with them and as a result she now doesn't want to disrupt her life for people she no longer feels close to or loved by. It's a reflection on OP's relationship with her particular parents not a general reflection of all Western families.

Nanny Ogg, you can contribute to this thread...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3549157-Baby-Boom-generation-spans-18-birth-years-from-1946-to-1964

This sort of thing makes me glad I'm a non driver who lives far away from both parents, I generally try to present an image of a bumbling useless person who can't her act together
That way no one really expects anything from me

I generally try to present an image of a bumbling useless person who can't her act together
That way no one really expects anything from me

Excellent plan Hear. You are an inspiration.

This is a very sad thread. I'm a baby boomer and dh and I have always given time and money to our children. We would do anything for them and for the gc. All our friends are exactly the same as us, I don't know a single bb who doesn't do their best for their dc. Not all baby boomers are nasty entitled people.

Well I appreciate it doesn't really sound like a winning strategy but it's something I naturally fall into

hear you are in fact an evil genius

@Stormtreader

I condemn all generalisations. Do you?

I can't read the whole thread, it stretches to 16 pages now. I have read your posts op.

There is no way in hell I would be doing anything to help your parents beyond the odd infrequent visit. They have done absolutely nothing to support you when you needed them, so leave them to it. They have money, taxis and options, or can pay people to help them.

I would be honest and say you are working hard, and can't take time off. Give them the taxi numbers end of.

Baby boomers are famous for being selfish and entitled and pulling up the drawbridge after them, I would acknowledge that there are some very kind and very helpful gps too, and I am sure they will be richly rewarded with wonderful family bonds and plenty of visits and love from their family.

The rest quite frankly in their own words will reap what they sow.

Enjoy your life op, at least you know now what it takes to be a connected and much loved gp in the future, and will not make the same mistake.

The situation is sad not because of tit for tat but because the op didn't feel any care or support.

They made her feel like they didn't care. It not about babysitting or giving money as some parents never babysit or give money but they support in other ways. The op parents were never supportive in any way.
This lack of care and selfishness against her is what she is feeling resentful about and with good cause.

But resentment eats at a person so Op let it go, help when you can and when able but do not feel guilted into helping. Continue to put your children first and to managing in your life as that's all what most of us can do.

They have money for care, if they realise their own selfishness and want to work towards a loving better relationship then great but if not then leave them to it. But truly live your life without resentment.

I know it's hard but I have to force myself to give up on resentment and just carry on. Daily.

To those who say they won't help with grandchildren at all, well that is selfish and what is family about if not helping caring and loving each other? My auntie has a stand back role like this but would still help if absolutely necessary and my own mum will gladly care for anyone even when busy and ill. Guess who visits and helps my mum. My aunties children do more for my mum then for their own mum. Why?
because she was there for them but also because they have built and cherished a loving relationship to each other.

It is not about childcare, it's about loving each other and caring for each other, sometimes that is practical, sometimes emotional and sometimes financial. My mum is ill and off work but she still would share what little she has, if we need it and we with her. That's how it should be, who watches their family member struggle, maybe make themselves ill and not offer any help at all.

I would distance myself in this case not because of tit for tat but because their actions would make me sad. I would see no reason to be around them. Ie my sister, very selfish and I do more for her children then she does. She makes me feel sad so I limit time I spend with her.

Dressingdown1I agree entirely! I gave my two DC my entire pension lump sum for their mortgage deposits, I drive 100 mile round trips to water their plants when they’re on holiday, I cleared all their student debts and I’m always available if they need help or support.
I don’t know anyone in our baby boomer generation who treats their DC like the poor OP of this thread. Quite the reverse- I was emotionally abused by my own parents, who never gave me an ounce of affection. I used them as a model of how not to be a parent.
I’m sick of youngsters criticising our generation. I worked 100 hour weeks at their age and lived in a slum tenement with no bathroom until I could save my own mortgage deposit. This lot don’t know they’re born!

YANBU in the slightest.

Those bemoaning it being a sad state of affairs probably haven't been on the receiving end of years or decades of being ignored and unsupported by selfish parents who were easily able to care for you on many levels, yet consciously and deliberately chose not to. They chose quite clearly not to make you or your children a priority in their lives, even at times when you were really struggling.

Be quite clear in your own mind what limited help you are willing to provide. Anything else - simply say no but offer to arrange the appropriate paid-for help - taxi account, cleaner, etc etc

I will never expect my dc to give up their lives, work and time simply to take me to appointments either. I didn't have children simply to raise them as future slaves to my needs.

They will have their own lives and priorities.

I will be proud and happy with whatever they decide to do (or not to do) This idea that I have sacrificed for them, and therefore I am owed years of home help/bum washing/chaperoned hospital visits as a minimum from my children is totally alien to me. They owe me nothing apart from to make the best of their lives.