Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

I think this whole thread is a sad indication of western society. Our family structures are so toxic that none of the generations seem to be able to stand each other...let alone help.
I taught in Nepal and although families were poor, they all pitched in and geloed each other. Grandparents lived in the home and children helped look after siblings.
Of courae that has pitfalls especially if you are a woman and getting grief from inlaws.
It is jyst sad that we have such a mememe culture that i feel i could never turn to my sister for help as she would tell me to get stuffed. I once asked dad for a tenner for fuel when i first went on universal credit as i was struggling with new system and i got a lecture about budgeting. Easy to lecture when the mortage is paid off, you are going on yet anothet holiday and you are sitting on a fat inheritance.
Its the " well we had it hard so you have to go through it too." Weird. Some parents see it as payback for the sacrifices they made as parents.

Helped each other even! Aggggrr!

If you help them more than you want to, you will resent them for ever and it will make you more unhappy. Don't do it. I have IL's like this- except in our case they waited on my SIL and her kids hand and foot and treated our DC like an inconvenience who they saw once every 6 months. We live 1.5 hours away, SIL lives 8. Now it's just FIL and he's not very well- guess who is being expected to shoulder the burden of responsibility. Will I fuck. I am the softest person in the world who always thought you did the right thing but years of their selfishness has hardened my heart. I feel not an ounce of guilt.

People forget that having children opens up a whole world of friends, networks and community which the child free may not have access to. Statistics demonstrate that men with their own family are paid more than those without. Yes, parents raise children, but they receive a tangible benefit, both socially and financially for that choice.

In my estimation, if we're going to do tit -for-tat, the time to earn old age caring credit is when your grown children require help raising their own families.

My mum was always a bit selfish with her time but she loved her grand children and would have given me her last penny. She would frequently pay for things for them and me when we were very hard up. She is now in her 80's and i help her as much as i can. She still helps me out!!!
I agree with the idea of being a good role model. I just couldn't not help and believe me, she wasnt always there for me. Money wise, yes. Time, not until she retired.

Final straw with my mil was when my dc were enjoying a day out and she needed a lift somewhere. Despite being well off and easily able to afford a taxi, we had to leave early (when dc were enjoying themselves) to pick her up and take her to where she wanted to go. We were so skint, we could barely afford the petrol. Money is freely given to other relatives but never us. Once in the car, she didn't even speak to the children. I won't forget that. You reap what you sow.

FWIW, those who can't be bothered (as opposed to physically unable) to help with the grandkids were likely fairly useless parents when their kids were younger, anyway.

I doubt your kids will notice what you do or don't do for their selfish grandparents. They will probably notice that their GPS aren't around much, never did anything with them and are peripheral figures in their lives - they won't be looking at the detail.
And if they do, I think 'reap what you sow' is a better message than 'be a doormat' for them to absorb.

I taught in Nepal and although families were poor, they all pitched in and geloed each other. Grandparents lived in the home and children helped look after siblings. Of courae that has pitfalls especially if you are a woman and getting grief from inlaws.

Glad you acknowledged the downsides of this for women.

You also mention poverty: you have no idea whether the people you observed actually wanted to do this or were so poor that they had no choice but to do it in order to maximise everyone's chances of survival. If that's the case, that's a pretty sad thing too.

I come from a very close knit family ftr, where we do all help each other. But it's a choice. Romanticising situations where people have to do it even if they don't want to is pretty grim.

My neither of my siblings can help for various (genuine) reasons. I’m local and really the viable option, I have the means to do so

there is no way id run around after people who wouldnt run around after me.

i sympathise op. absolutely, id help abit- but not much.

I think that grandmothers having to work till they are 67, will come back to bite many parents struggling with children. I know nurses in their early sixties who are dead on their feet at the end of the shift. They have problems dating back decades when they had to lift patients with no help. Their bodies are worn out, shoulders, knees, hips, knackered. It is the same in any job where you did physical work, e.g. supermarkets.

My younger kids dont know my mom really her choice she only wants to know my daughter my sons have issues and penis and are "boys" so therefore lower class to her I have cats and a childminder and I refused to stay with a guy who abused me financially because he obviously loved me to pieces of course I should tolerate that behaviour

For the life of me I can't understand why this thread has turned into a battle of the generations.
There are selfish, entitled, self-centred people of all ages.
If you live your life caring only about yourself, you shouldn't be surprised that, in the end, no-one will care about you.
You get back what you put in. No matter when you were born.

I also know nurses who spent their entire shift in the office doing paperwork but I guess they are the clinical decision makers, note to self get to the top of your tree ASAP if you want to cope with working at 60 plus

@converseandjeans I am a baby boomer, born in 1954, my state pension won’t get paid until I am 65 years 11months. My employees pension, which I took at 60 is just over £250 per month. The majority of babyboomers are likely to be still working. Most of my friends are in the same position as anyone born after 1953 will have to work until 66/77.
Even though I am retired I am a full time carer for my 96 year old mother, I hope to be able to help my dc’s out with baby sitting in the future but if they don’t get on with it I will be too old & knackered to be of much use.

I think you're taking a very sensible approach. Your parents sound utterly self absorbed. They took childcare help from their parents, but did no care for them. They did the absolute basic in child rearing towards you, absolutely no assistance with your DC, and now think they can call on you for help whenever they fancy? They're having a bloody laugh. Well done you for your sensible approach.

Focus on your DC, and on creating that strong family bond that seems to have always been missing between you and your parents and siblings.

Make a point of saying things like "Oh well, we've never been the type of family to lean on each other, have we? We're all very independent, I'm sure you'll be fine catching a taxi."

Yanbu. Bed. Made. Lie. Tell them you’re too busy enjoying parenthood to help them enjoy retirement.

running after an elderly parent is a pain but you do it because you remember how much they loved and prioritised you and you children.

if they havent...meh.

Now admittedly I'm not in the same boat, as my parents are still early 60s and they're very involved grandparents. However, I always assumed that people care for their parents at the end of their lives, because they were the ones that cared for us at the beginning of our lives? Isn't that the case? I can understand people who have had a shitty childhood not wanting to care for their parents in older age to be honest. But surely the sort of 30 - 40 odd years when they're not raising their children - nor needing help from their children - are sort of theirs?
My parents have done a great deal of travelling since retirement, and I'm rather jealous - as I'd love to have the money to travel! But I don't hold it against them.

i dont think its the case, no.

My neither of my siblings can help for various (genuine) reasons. I’m local and really the viable option, I have the means to do so

No, they have the means to do so. And the issue is that they are inherently very entitled and selfish people. This will get worse with age, IME. So you nip this in the bud right now before you become Keeg the Carer as well as wife, mother, employee, etc. You will be expected to organise and sort and care. That's what your kids will see: Keeg rushed off her feet and resentful at having this thrust on her and less time for them as she had to play carer to the GPs.

You just bat it right back, Xenia's response is great. 'Sorry, can't do that, work commitments, you'll need to get a taxi'.

I wonder why they want you to give them lifts when they have a million in the bank and 80k income a year?

Could they be trying to wean you into a caring role already? Do both drive?

I don't necessarily agree with tit for tat- they gave no childcare when I needed/wanted it so I won't help now.

But if you're going to resent any help that you give them-then don't!

I disagree - you choose to have children you know what that entails. Parents get an enormous benefit from having children and the biological urge to do so is strong. I don’t want my girls to feel they owe me anything for choosing to have them and carrying out my legal duty to look after them.