Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

Good grief, the sheer entitlement and in some case outright nastiness on this thread makes me sad

Let me guess you have loving, supportive parents who will be extremely missed when they die?

Some of us don't or will....

Just be mindful that your own children will see how you behave to your parents and may well absorb that and redistribute it when you are old.

So while I think you're perfectly reasonable not to want to help the GPs, your kids may think that is how one relates to parents as they age, and not therefore help you out.

I intend to model great care of my DM as she ages, so that my DC do that for me when the time comes

Yanbu op. Whilst I’m a firm believer in ‘grandparents shouldn’t be made to feel they ‘have’ to help out, either financially or with time, I also hold that opinion for children being expected to look after aging parents too.

In your position I’d help out if I wanted to, or it didn’t put me out, but if it did mean it would put you out, I’d tell him to get a cab.

I guess the flip side is that I want to model and teach healthy boundaries for my DC too so that if I become a difficult demanding elderly person they will be able to set boundaries and only give the help they can cope with.

Bloody hell no WAY would I be giving them lifts.

I'd look at them stupid and say, 'I'm surprised you've asked, knowing how keen you are on everyone fending for themselves! Get a taxi?'

I'd be totally upfront about not being interested in helping out when it takes time away from your kids, your schedule, your downtime. And if they queried I'd laugh and outline EXACTLY what you say above - no hard feelings Mum and Dad but you put yourselves and your lives first all the way through the period when we could really have used some help, and that was fine, we never had a problem with it. Likewise though we don't have a problem with saying no now to helping you out with things you could quite frankly afford to cover far more easily than we could, and which would eat into our planned time. Get a taxi! Don't ask again, either!

The baby boomer generation will go down in history as the most entitled generation ever.

^

Totally agree with this.

Just be mindful that your own children will see how you behave to your parents and may well absorb that and redistribute it when you are old.

Hah! No they won't - what they'll see is a good example of 'you reap what you sow'. And when they have their kids, presumably they'll see their parents sowing something different - providing support where they can, helping out, not taking for granted. And THAT'S what they'll absorb and redistribute - how they were treated - not the comeuppance they saw two much more selfish examples get!

The first reply nailed it. You have no obligation to them, enjoy your life free from worries about this.

Her phone cost £1000! No wonder she can't afford to buy a property. Mine is £18 pm from Tesco.

I think it's a great shame this thread has been derailed into a say something provocative about boomers/millennials thread, and wasn't planning to engage with that part, but this post has made me change my mind. Is she actually in a position where the 1k is the difference between buying a property or not? Where do you live? I'm in a cheap area but even so, a grand wouldn't do it!

Good grief, the sheer entitlement and in some case outright nastiness on this thread makes me sad

^

Entitlement works BOTH ways.

Onthe naughtystep again...Well plenty of millenials like myself have second hand furniture , no meals out , work ft etc but cannot afford a house. Moreover my parent's generation voted in the conservatives in and Brexit which will impact dds generation the most whilst enjoying yrars of eu membership.So while we cannot dixtate how governments act, we certainly have some idea of what we vote for. In this case zero hour contracts and future economic instability.
I am a single mum and study ft plus work pt. Do i want dd to struggle like me? ..no and if i make lots if money she will get her fair share.

So while I think you're perfectly reasonable not to want to help the GPs, your kids may think that is how one relates to parents as they age, and not therefore help you out.

They are likely to relate to OP as she relates to them rather than how she related to her own parents. If she helps them out as adults they are likely to help her out too. What goes around comes around.

@Sitdownstandup everyone knows the only thing stopping millennials from getting on the property ladder is our love of avocados

No slaughtering from me! fuck em!! tell your dad to get a cab : he could afford it before, so he can afford it now!!

I've never had any grandparents because both sets of grandparents died before my parents were even married.

And both my mum and Dh's mum live an hour away, so we've never had any daily help.

But we have close loving relationships, and they have had their grandchildren overnight on occasion, and we go for lunch occasionally, and my children adore them.

So, I advise you to take a step back. Don't feel guilty. Just continue on.

I would not give them lifts but you could help organise a taxi at their expense if a lift is needed.

No one has a right to demand help but families differ in what is given eg we lived hundreds of miles from my parents who are both now dead. We enjoyed 3 - 5 visits a year - we to them and vice versa in the almost 25 years they were alive whilst I had children but as most of us were working (my father worked until age 77) none of us had lots of time.

I don't think the fact in your case that the grandparents have more money means they have a duty to hand any to you you however although plenty of parents want to ensure children inherit and I would try to find out if they have a will and if they will be above the inheritance tax level.

I would just politely say you cannot collect him due to work commitments and does he need numbers of local taxi firms.

I can see where you’re coming from.

My children stayed just 1 night at my parents, my brother and sister children never did. No problems there, just an observation.

I, with my brother and sister, looked after my Dad, until he died and mum who is thriving.

We, children +partners, travelled weekly across the country, rebuilt a house etc for the best part of a year. That was fine. It’s what you do.

Now I’m retired I do a lot for my 4 children - mainly diy, waiting in for deliveries.

What sometimes galls is my Mum has hinted that I do too much for my children, that they have me round their collective little fingers. They haven’t, I offer.

There’s a lack of memory about the miles and time, all willingly given to them when they needed it.

So I can quite understand where you are coming from here.

I’ve no grievance but sometimes I have notice.

This thread saddens me, the phrase that I keep reading is "you reap what you sow" - surely what they 'sowed' was bringing you up, sacrificing stuff so you could eat, be clothed, do activities. It's different if they were abusive relationship or genuinely shit parents, but I think the majority of parents are like the rest of us - trying to do our best.

I was SP from before DD was 1. I will be supporting and looking after my parents when the time comes as they sacrificed a lot of time/material/holidays to ensure I had a good childhood. I chose to have my DD and therefore looking after her was my responsibility, therefore I don't think that comes into it when it comes to caring for my parents. They didn't help me financially, did minimum babysitting, and l think they are entitled to some time to do as they wish. I always tell them to go on holiday and spend their money on holidays as they worked hard for it and not save it for our inheritance. Yes they benefited from lower house prices however they didn't have everything new (always second hand) they didn't eat out or buy coffee - their priorities were also different to my generation (I will never own a property due to living in the SE but can still recognise the differences).

Can I ask whether they have asked any of your siblings to help out?

YANBU. Fuck all the sanctimonious 'kindness' and 'bigger person' bollocks. Don't even go there because if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. So don't even start with the lifts to hospital appointments. No need for drama or explanations (they'll never see their selfishness, anyhow, so you're wasting your breath), just tell them to take a cab and bat back all these pleas for help. 'That's a pity, but I can't take you, you'll need a taxi' 'Aw, what a shame. You'll have to order in help' 'Sorry to hear that. I'm sure you'll figure it out' and they'll get the message. If they make accusations, just bat that back, too. 'Sorry you feel that way. It was a real struggle for us, too, when you refused help for us. I'm afraid you reap what you sow.'

what they'll see is a good example of 'you reap what you sow'

Well, not necessarily because what they'll remember most is the OP not helping aging parents. They won't remember there being no financial help or childcare unless the OP explicitly points it out to them. They might think their grandparents weren't around much but the detail will be lost on them.

My children won't remember that they weren't ever looked after by my parents when they were small. They will remember that I'm currently doing a 110 mile round trip to take my mother her shopping.

My Father said your children owe you nothing. They did not ask to be born. I think the lack of decent contraception meant that women and men who were really not suited for parenthood, became parents.

OP do you have any siblings?

I get you, OP, completely. My Dad retired with a £160k lump sum, that he spent on bringing over a 19 year old girl from Russia with By the time the money had gone, so had she.................

He know lives in a rented flat that my DH is the rent guarantor for, and I not only do hospital appointments (feels like one a week at the moment), I top up his shopping, do his laundry. Am I a mug? Probably. But I do it for myself and not for him. I want my own DC to see that taking care of family is important, and I know that when the time comes I can stand by his grave and know that I did my bit. My Dad is selfish and irresponsible - and I'm just glad as hell that he didn't pass that gene on.

Do what YOU are happy with. Be that the maximum you can give or the bare minimum. But it's on your terms, not theirs

Well sounds like a bit of a strained relationship. However, they raised you, took care of you and am sure did plenty for you as you were growing up. Maybe you should reciprocate regardless of the interactions with your kids.

@Buckingfrolics - agree. Think that you should model how you want your kids to behave (to each other and to you and GPs). If one kid was mean to another and then fell on hard times, i’d Hope they could reconcile and help each other rather than keep a distance.

I’d try and not model the quid pro quo mindset and get them thinking - if they had spare cash/time: is there anyone who might really benefit from it?

I understand OPs frustration though. Try to be generous and maybe they’ll realise they made a mistake.

I have looked after my parents in a spirit of this is what families do. I want, more than anything, to create the family I did not have.

In the same way we have supported our DC through University. They know we have never had a lot of spare cash (we are very London property rich, cash poor), and therefore seem to understand that this is not "free money". My student daughter is reasonably frugal and the spring term tends to be cheaper than the autumn one, so she offered to give her unspent money back to her dad. I would be less happy if she were frittering the money and buying things we could not afford.

I guess the same goes for any generation. Some people put family before money. Others don't. And some people think spending money makes you happy. So good to be free of that and feel that I have helped DC avoid an essentially selfish attitude to life.