Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

The baby boomer generation will go down in history as the most entitled generation ever.

This will go down as the most arrogant, stupid and inaccurate comment ever.
We cannot be held responsible for how various governments have governed. Yes we had a lot of advantages compared with the current generation and I know you'll poo-poo it but we also had difficulties, as well as lower expectations. Most of us started with a houseful of secondhand furniture for example, we didn't spend money on eating out regularly, consider it our right to have the very latest gadgets.
We bought a fairly cheap new-build semi in West Yorkshire, it took our two teaching salaries to afford it especially when interest rates hit 17%.
I do know that for families today life can be difficult, as parents and grandparents we offer whatever help and support we can, as do many in our position but your stereotypical comment doesn't exactly garner sympathy to you rcause.
As for the original post, personally I'd tell the parents to get an Uber account, they don't deserve help.

I never had children, but I still helped put and cared for my mother when she got old because she was my mother and I loved her even though I resented it a bit as well.

I always think of relationships like bank accounts. They need investment in over a period of time to be drawn against when needed.
I don't think your relationship with your parents had enough investment over the years.
You don't become close to your family by blood alone. It's the little help when needed, a shoulder to cry on. Some financial support but more emotional support. Being heard when you are struggling.
You resent them because you were struggling. They knew and could have helped and they chose not too.
It wasn't about regular childcare or a sense of entitlement. It was about being part of a give and take family relationship,
They didn't give, invest, so now they can't draw down.
You're not at all unreasonable to feel this way.
Do what you feel comfortable with and have no regrets when they go that you didn't help more. A relationship has to work both ways.

They are mean people. Luckily for them, they are mean people with money to purchase assistance.

Why the fuck would you give up your time for them when they so clearly showed you or your children weren’t worthy of their time?

They can get a cab.
They can pay for cleaners and gardeners.
They can pay for internet shopping.
They can pay for personal care when/if it is needed.

Detach from them.

I understand how you feel, both mine and my DH's parents had free baby sitters in the form of G.P's when we were kids so they all worked safe in the knowledge that come school holidays or days when we were sick they had child minders, neither set helps us at all but come the time when they are elderly we will be expected to help out.... well in my opinion they better start saving for the paid help

YANBU. I have my own resentments with my DP that have me doing far less for my DP than I would if they put in a little more.

One example that I think of is I had breast cancer when my DC were 1, 3 & 5. I had a double mastectomy during the school holidays and my DH was able to take a couple of weeks off work to look after the DC. My DP (in particular my mum) was very good at offering things like to do a load of washing when my perfectly capable DH was home but I didn't hear from her for 2 weeks when he went back to work. My house was dirty and I wasn't able to do much. I was still in huge amounts of pain, trapped in a house and unable to drive or push a pram with 3 DC. I'll never quite forgive them for this.

I now get complaints about how her friends daughters take their Mum's on shopping trips and out to lunch. Yep, no thanks. I'll do the "duty" things when they're convenient for me but none of the "extras".

One of her favourite sayings is "I'll do for you what my parents did for me". Her parents did far more for her than she's ever put in for me. I hope that other baby boomers and the generations after remember these things and value the family what ever age they are.

For perspective I’m not going NC, abandoning them. Still happy for the odd Sunday lunch here, meeting for coffee, walks- normal social contact. I have no urge to berate or argue... just not actually move in together, or do regular care outside my usual timetable. I see them socially more often now as they do less, just pleasant meets and I’ll help with stuff like fixing the router or spam emails as hoc kind of stuff as and when

onthenaughtystepagain I agree that was an unpleasant comment but you followed it with a load of unpleasant generalisations of your own.

Age of family formation also comes into this. Intergenerational reciprocity is awkward, whatever you think is right and normal. We didn't have any family within 200 miles when DC was small, so nothing could be casual or spontaneous. They helped, but it wasn't on tap. And we still don't, which means that day-to-day help for GP now 90 is not feasible and it is an epic trip to visit.

I'm far older than some of the GPs coming in for a hard time here. My child has just left school. I hope it's at least a decade before any babies appear, but by then I'll be mid-70s and probably not up for very regular toddler-wrangling.

Cabs are probably the best bet for hospital appointments as you don’t have to find parking.

The fact is if you are incredibly rich and you can see your child struggling financially and yet choose not to help - you're sending a message that you don't really care. Likewise if you choose not to spend time getting to know your grandchildren. You can't expect a close relationship to be maintained in the absence of any love or care for years on end.

Cleaning has it spot on - it's not how much is done. it's how much care and love is shown. A GP may be in ill-health, but be prepared to cheer DGCs on at sports days, applaud them in school plays etc; they may be phenomenally busy, and unable to offer regular child care, but will cancel plans at the drop of a hat to offer support/ childcare etc in an emergency; they may be strapped for cash, and not be able to buy expensive gifts, but never forget a birthday, even if it's just a card. And they would never see their children and grandchildren suffer emotionally, physically or financially if it was within their power to help.

They do this, not because they are obligated, but because they care - and usually caring begets caring. There will always be instances of entitled children taking everything and giving nothing, and there will always be instances of very comfortable parents refusing to offer even to collect grandchildren from school in an emergency. But on the whole, our children learn to treat us the way we have treated them.

This doesn't mean that selfish parents won't get the help they want - but they will be given it resentfully. And who can blame their children for that?

A lot of replies, so I wont read them all other that to say that this was my experience.

DPs decided, or rather my mum, that they enjoyed golf club and cruises and were not interested in children, grandchildren, or helping their own parents.

My mother is now 10 years into dementia and could quite possibly live another decade.

My decisions/tips

1. That I wanted to set my own children a good example. Plus now all her friends have died away she only has family. I can see how much she has lost by not knowing her GC - who she cannot recognise as family as she saw them so rarely. I also feel I have gained by my own children understanding more about me and the childhood I would have had. I have gained from coming to terms with some aspects of my childhood, and the realisation that my mother was indeed very difficult and that I am indeed the better person. DB is following in her footsteps in that he seems more interested in inheritance than in his mother's welfare and remains wrapped up in his own life.

1. My decision making is guided by what my dad would approve of if he were here, and what might cause my own family to resent. I am perhaps lucky in that there is a quite a lot of money hidden within the great tangle of family finances, which I was left to sort out, so I can ensure that I am not out of pocket, despite having had to give up my job, and that I can pay for care, so am not forced to do it myself or have my mother live with me. The probably will be an inheritance but my attitude is that it was her money so it can be spent on her. I have no burning need to join a golf club, go on cruises, or buy a new car. (We still have the car my father bought new 13 years ago which we had to reregister to prevent my mum from driving. My father used to replace his car every three years as otherwise people at the golfclub would have looked down on him. Curiously he never offered to sell us any of the earlier cars at trade-in prices. They also gave away some lovely furniture when they were downsizing but again didn't offer any to us even though we were just starting out and would have welcomed it.)

1. Find the MN elderly parents board. Very few of us have storybook families.

I remember being exhausted when DS was a couple of months old. We went to visit them (about an hours drive, but never the other way round) and DS fell asleep and was likely to sleep for a couple of hours. I begged them to watch his whilst we popped out to the supermarket across the street, as it was such hard work taking small children shopping. No. Indeed when DS was born she gave us wilting flowers recycled from a bunch DB had sent her for mothers day. DC never got presents, ever. And often when we visited they would keep Sky Sport on, but then complain if the children made any noise or showed signs of being bored. It was truly weird. They then moved to 2.5 hours away when my father was in his late 60s, making support all the more difficult, but with no effort to research what provision might be available or to make plans. I think they assumed they would live for ever and remain fully independent.

It’s slightly galling when help not “paid forward”. Dh remembers entire summers where him and his brother were at his grandparents so his parents could work. They have done duck all for us.

They sound incredibly selfish. And I understand where you're coming from. I do wonder if parents who's parents helped them, don't understand what it's like not to have help and therefore can't empathise with their kids. Whatever, it sounds like they did the minimum for you. And so you are well within your rights to do the minimum for them. I know adults who were incredibly spoilt by their parents refuse to help them when they were elderly.

But they've set the tone, and while you're actually very supportive by helping them with their day to day niggles eg. printer not working, it is out of the question that they'll come and live with you. If they ask, you can say 'haha sorry! I'm afraid that ship has sailed!'.

Agreeing with onthenaughtystep. As post war children. life was hard. No car, no telephone, no double glazing or central heating, holidays, computers, very few clothes and very basic food. No bathroom, and just an outside toilet. Even as a young adult I remember having no tights or coat, until my mum bought them for me.

We may have been able to buy our houses and now as pensioners, live reasonably comfortable lives - even the occasional holiday! This is our compensation for previous hardships.

Younger generations moaning about what they can't afford, compared with what we've got. We''ve been there, done that. We've done our time, and when they're our age they will probably have the same. I had a dgd stay recently. Her phone cost £1000! No wonder she can't afford to buy a property. Mine is £18 pm from Tesco.

But yes, I do what I can to support ds in bringing up his dc. I babysit, pickup dgs from school about twice a week, help out with money if they need something, have the dgc for overnight stays.

Ramble over...........

You say “I coped” with child rearing as if it was a monumental burden that they were obliged to help relieve you of confused

Do people really not understand what it is to have loving, involved, engaged, parents/grandparents who are delighted to spend time with you and their grandchildren and who would like to make their children's lives easier? Is it that you've never experienced it that you can't imagine what it was the OP missed?

My parents and MIL never saw my children as a burden but saw them as new people to love. They helped us out (not childcare during work) but with a real interest in our children - going to school events, thrilled to hear their news, created little traditions with them, playing with them when they were here, occasional babysitting. Mine are dead now but still remembered so fondly by their near-adult grandchildren. MIL is adored by everyone.

Caring for my elderly parents was actually a burden- a way harder burden than rearing children because things get harder not easier - but I didn't mind because I loved them dearly and they had been wonderful parents and they taught me by example that you care for those you love. I have a friend who had a mother who was the opposite. She helps care for her mother but only to support her siblings. For no other reason.

OP you are not unreasonable.

Nobody is moaning about what they can't afford on this thread. They are moaning about the lack of support - that is care, time and interest.

pallisers - reading that makes me so sad, it is what I and my children have missed out on.

I certainly hope that everyone who is so loudly protesting and condemning the phrase "entitled baby boomers" is equally loud and indignant whenever anyone says "entitled/lazy/snowflake millennials".

Yanbu at all

Same situation with ILs ( they didn’t come to the hospital when DS1 was born ( the long awaited, precious first GC ) and put into special care because visiting hours clashed with dinner time)

Perhaps some of the GPs on here who were born into a different time were pretty much forced into having children due to social/family expectations. Perhaps the women would have preferred to work but their options were limited

They may have disliked the life being stuck at home with the kids, after all many people post on here that they hate being at home so go to work and put the children into daycare.

The GPs may not want to repeat the experience. We both helped our parents the best we could but they never asked us to do things for them or transport them anywhere, they made their own arrangements

Good grief, the sheer entitlement and in some case outright nastiness on this thread makes me sad.

Pressed post too soon.....

Anyway, no fucking WAY am I doing anything to help them in the future.

You definitely reap what you sow, and I don’t think anyone could blame you for choosing not to provide any care to them now. Karma is indeed a bitch, but you need to stay strong and do not be manipulated into anything

YANBU the babyboomers definitely had a better deal in some ways in terms of being able to support a family on one salary & retire just before 60 with a lump sum and some sort of govt pension. In fact a lot retired at 55. This seems bonkers to me now. We will be 67 before we get anything!
I don't think you should feel guilty - they didn't help out when your kids were little, nor did they help their own elderly parents. So they need to be a bit more independent.

Yanbu
I fully expect and want to help my DC out when the time comes. To me your parents sound selfish. At the mo I am extremely lucky as we have in laws close by and a lot of help. I am able to help Sil in an emergency and am happy to if I can. I see this as part of my life now-when her DC starts school we will help each other and plug the gaps. My mil said her own mum didn’t help her so she always wanted to help her own kids. It does help that mil is young (50s). We are extremely grateful.