Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

How old are they now OP? Just wondering if they are baby boomers or not.

I have parents in their 80s and 90s who are becoming less independent but they have been (and still are) excellent grandparents and parents so I don't have the same mixed feelings you do.

Are your other siblings being approached to help or just you?

As they appear to be very well off indeed I think they should be looking at taking taxis and buying in help as they can easily afford it - my parents do that and they are not as well of as yours. I take them when I can but I still work (part time) and I am not local to them.

If it is genuinely no trouble, then help - if not just say you can't and give them the reason and suggest a taxi etc.

I have no grandchildren but if I did, I cannot imagine not wanting to look after them and help out my children - sorry but they sound like cold fish to me and are reaping what they sowed with you.

Someone page 1 said this:

YANBU. They have the money to pay for help, just as you were told to pay for help with the children.

I cannot understand why people think otherwise, you reap as you sow.

Tbf I can relate to them not wanting the paid care, but family totally. I wasn’t so much jealous of the financial side when the kids were young. I coped ok. I was jealous of the bond, the extended family I think. The having someone to chat to each night, to share the day. It’s not the same with paid care as family. Money comes or goes and as long as you’re not in crisis it all works out similar in the long run.

Yanbu.

We're in a very similar situation, gp's who are happy with minimum contact, have never once offered to babysit or spend time with dc alone never mind help with childcare.

Mil has already made it clear she expects us to care for her in her old age, it won't be happening.

Ironically me and dh both had grandparents who were very hands on and loved spending time with us, we've both helped out more with them in their older age than their children have.

Stereotyping an entire generation is no less offensive than doing the same thing because of someone's sex, race, religion etc.

I agree they should pay for help now and not rely on you.
BUT there’s a lot of bitterness on this thread about parents enjoying their retirement and spending money on holidays. Why shouldn’t they after years of working?
Part of being a parent is encouraging your kids to stand on their own two feet too?

My parents have never helped with childcare or offered any support at all. My mum once said, after a friend of mine ended up in a wheelchair after an accident, that if anything like that happened to me, I'd be on my own as they would not be caring for me!

Therefore they will not get a second of help or support from me in their old age. They can be put in the nastiest, shittiest, most abusive nursing home for all I care!

There's a massive, massive difference between giving full childcare support (I know lots of people whose parents take a full day with their grandchildren a week), and just being there as active and engaged grandparents.

It doesn't even need to be regular - just needed! It's quite common amongst my parents friends to flip off travelling during retirement, but be very engaged when they are around in the UK.

YANBU. I wouldn't help them out either. I took a day off work yesterday to take my parents to hospital, stayed at theirs all day to look after their dog and will pick them up later today. Difference is that they have helped me all of my life. Your parents are selfish and I would tell them so.

YANBU.

Families should help each other out - I include childcare in this (not sure why childcare is excluded from helping each other on mumsnet). If they haven’t helped you when you needed it, they can’t expect help in return.
Tell them straight so that everyone knows where they stand. ‘Look dad, I needed your help many times over the years when the kids are young, you didn’t want to help. Well I’m not going to help you now. You need to get a cab’.

You sound like such a decent person, the fact that your kind of agonising about this speaks volumes

I’m with you. Say to your dad that he has to get himself to hospital etc, that it’s not convenient, and then go on from there

I don't see how not going to Brownies or having no after-school activities is relevant unless they stopped you doing them! I didn't do any but that was because I didn't want to!

Surely the onus was on you to ask to do those things if you wanted to?

You've not said how old they are? if they are late 80s or 90s that is different. You also don't say if this caring can be shared with your siblings. How old are your own children?

I think this all comes down to personality.

Some daughters in your shoes would feel obliged or compassionate enough to do what they could. Others would feel like you- ie 'why should I?'

Certainly if they can get taxis for fairly insignificant appts that's reasonable.

Longer term you need to decide what care they need- nursing home, care at home, support from family.

My own mother had a lot of help from her MIL, my gm set up savings accounts for us as kids, took out little savings plans and post office accounts etc

Naively I thought that’s what everyone did. My parents both mum and dad did absolutely bugger all for my ds, and in fact when I did leave my ds with his gm the last time she hurt him pretty much intentionally.

We’re no contact now, for that and other reasons, but even when we were speaking, everything was absolutely on her terms.

I’m glad I’m off the hook now, they can both swivel when it comes to elder care.

Well I couldn’t actually personally afford activities as a child, I didn’t have a phone to arrange joining, i was afraid to walk far alone.... you are rather dependent on adults as a child! I would have loved to do gymnastics, brownies etc in an ideal world. I lived, I was happy enough, but it’s crazy to think I could have accessed anything myself as a child

What kind of parents were they? In my experience, people who say that they've done their childrearing and won't help out at all tend not to have been very involved, supportive parents either.
My parents saw children as a burden to be got rid of as soon as possible. They were harsh, distant parents and fobbed off most of the work of parenting onto their parents and my boarding school. They will get the same help from me that they have given- the bare legal minimum.
My husband's parents and his uncle were all poor and had terrible illnesses themselves, but they were loving and supportive and because of this they got every bit of support from us that we could give. When his uncle was frail and suffering from dementia he fell and broke a hip, so my husband stayed in hospital with him after his surgery to provide his personal care because the nurses just couldn't due to understaffing. He did this (and I helped him and took over the things my husband usually does as well as my own work etc) because they already had a loving and mutually supportive relationship. You can't force that kind of relationship, either you have built it up over the years or you haven't.

Your parents clearly have the £££££ to pay a stranger to escort them to hospital, maybe they need emotional support?

I understand your resentment because they haven't supported your childcare needs, but have you considered that your parents don't have the physical or emotional capacity to do this as a result of a trauma they might have endured when they were raising children?

A couple of thoughts. Obviously you are free to make choices that are right for you and your family. You are not under obligation to do everything they ask and that will only lead to resentment anyway. Not good.

However. What type of relationship would you like with your parents? How do you think you will be feeling when they are not here anymore. Is there still the possibility of closer, warmer relationship if you make some first moves? Maybe a little bit of giving and kindness and extra time spent together would make everyone happier in the long run than a "tit for tat" mentality. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad in any way. Maybe that closeness just isn't going to happen given who they are. But maybe it is worth thinking about.

More pragmatically. Even (perhaps especially) if you want to help a lot, you have to pace yourself. As your parents get older it is quite likely there will be times when actually only someone close to them can really help. Emergencies. Making decisions and arrangements. Not to mention emotional support. You can't do everything. So it might be worth being clear now which things they can easily pay for (taxis) and which things actually need you.

I seem to be of an age now where care for parents is becoming a major part of many of my friends' lives (both my parents are dead). It is really well worth thinking about these things now. Get clear in your own mind. Talk to your partner. Your parents. Any siblings. Don't be dragged down by duty but do look at the bigger picture too.

YANBU. As ye sow, etc. Tell him to get a cab.

This problem is becoming more of an issue because people live longer and the longer life needs more care, the state has cut back and expects family to help out and I believe the elderly never thought they'd have to depend on their kids for help - the state would take care of them, so they had no incentive to be more giving with their time. It hasn't quite worked out that way has it?

Your 3 standard YABU reponses:

1. Ay do so awf'ly wish Darling Mumsy was still alaive, poor little me, YABU.
2. Ay expect you're wanting to inherit, how could you possibly YABU
3. Ay think you are perfectly fraightful, ay am a sanctimonious cunt so YABU.

They're all fake.

Dad can pay for a taxi.

What “help” are they asking for besides the odd lift to hospital? You say “I coped” with child rearing as if it was a monumental burden that they were obliged to help relieve you of

YANBU. Karma’s a bitch!

They set out the kind of relationship they wanted with you a decade or so ago. Favours were not on the cards, being distantly friendly was what they chose. Fair enough. Go with that.

YANBU. They have got a cheek if they expect you to help them now considering how unhelpful they've been to you in the past. Be clear with them that although you may help in an emergency they will have to pay for their taxes to and from the hospital, help around the house etc.