Supporting elderly parents who were insistent on 'enjoying retirement'

[Keeg]

NC in case I get slaughtered...

When my kids were young we could have really done with GP help, but there were very much (as is most of mumsnet!) of the school off thinking ‘we’re done raising kids’. I coped, I raised children and I knew it was my responsibility... but I’ll admit I had some
Unvoiced resentment. DH and I had similar jobs to them, but a higher level, but we never had been able to access the housing etc they had due to the much higher childcare and housing costs. They’ve lived nearby in great affluence whilst their grandchildren were wearing second hand, a bit overcrowded etc. Obviously not their problem, but on the flip side they had great capacity to help and didn’t chose to exercise it. They probably spent 6k-12k on holidays a year, whereas 1k for us would have meant for example being able to run a car.

They didn’t offer childcare bar very very occasional inconvenient seeings, for example 1-2pm on Saturday, wanting them dropped off and at a time of day with heavy traffic (turning an 8min drive into a 40min) and meaning there was no time to do anything else. I remember an occasion my son had a last minute amazing opportunity and they couldn’t help by watching his sister (I later found out it was because she wanted to go and see a film at the cinema, 15 min walk away and on for months multiple times a day). They retired pre 60 with big lump sums and pensions, very active and able. No issue with health.

I left them to it, never commented, it’s their life. But I’ll admit I was underneath jealous of every friend who seemed to have GP helping. BUT they are now older, they are needing support and I’m not feeling at all warm in rearranging my life to give it. For example dad can’t drive right now, temporary due to an OP, and he wants hospital lifts. I feel like saying ‘get a cab’ because of all the times I wished for help. It’s hugely local, and I being petty? Or have others felt like this. In the long run, although I get on with them, I don’t feel like every offering to let them move in. They didn’t help their parents (who did offer childcare). I guess I feel a bit heartless but a bit ‘you made your bed, now lie in it’. Being nice I think, we’ll they obviously raised me as a child, but then on the other hand I think their expectations were that links stopped at 18. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t feel hugely bonded to them either and more like people not related that get on

@Marchinupandownagain

Of course OP can know how much her parents spent on holidays - it doesn't take a genius to work it out.

The fact is if you are incredibly rich and you can see your child struggling financially and yet choose not to help - you're sending a message that you don't really care. Likewise if you choose not to spend time getting to know your grandchildren. You can't expect a close relationship to be maintained in the absence of any love or care for years on end. That's not how humans work. If you don't have a close relationship you can't expect your child to rearrange their already busy and stressful life to offer you help you don't really need.

"Bad parents sometimes seem to have better relationships with their children".

Utter nonsense. Where is the evidence for that assertion?.

I have always felt supported by my parents,not financially because they were not rich baby boomers and I moved miles away.
I still don't live near but go over to my Mum's as often as I can and phone.My sister let bed nearer so is able to help with hospital stuff.
I think some children leave home,live,meet a partner and mainly see family at Christmas and then expect help as soon as they have children.And cash.

When I ever get the chance to get a decent job with more hours they may be at a part of their lives when they need care, which will be expected of me (not my brother because he's a boy obviously!) I will not be able to financially drop everything as and when they need.

I think this is what a lot of people overlook when discussing help from gps. Because my friends and I have been helped financially it has enabled us to live close to our families & therefore logistics are less of a problem. Because we have help with childcare it has enabled us all to stay working in our careers & have flexibility in our working patterns. Therefore we are able to help more if needed when they are older. If you working full time 300 miles away from your parents even if you want to help them how can you?

I have a different situation but a similar feeling about my in-laws.

DH and I are childfree. Married 18 years. PIL have visited us 3 times in the last 6 years and have not given DH anything more than a birthday card since he was 17. We live 2 hours away. We haven’t had a falling out, they’re just not interested in us.

They have bought SIL two cars, paid her rent for years, paid off credit cards, you name it. They paid for and hosted her 30th birthday and provide care and financial support to her 3, soon to be 4 children.

SIL is not ill or poor, she is just lazy and immature. It’s DH’s 40th Birthday soon. We are planning a party and gavethem note of the date 5 months ago.

They aren’t coming because they have to babysit for SIL (also not coming) who is having a girls night.

If and when the time comes that they need extra care, that can be SIL’s responsibility.

We have told our kids we don’t expect them to look after us in old age - we’ll be spending every penny of their inheritance living it up! I will help out with their kids though.

80k, beyond my wildest dreams in retirement. No way could I see my children struggle with that retirement income (and I could still have holidays).

Couldn't agree more with you! Sorry but life is give and take, not take, take, take.

@Marchinupandownagain

OP's parents basically struck it lucky in the generation they were born in. They did the minimum required of them as parents and chose not to invest in the parent-child relationship once OP was an adult - fine that's their prerogative. But why on earth would they then expect OP to go above and beyond for them now they're older? It's so entitled!

"Sorry, I've got to look after my children. I have a number for a good taxi firm though. Hope your appointment goes well, Dad!"

Regards spoilt, I’m probably not by the imagination this poster has. I wasn’t hard done by, but I never for example got ferried around. I walked or didn’t go from mid primary and before that I just didn’t. I didn’t do any extra sport etc. I cared heavily for siblings growing up and did a good deal round the house. Yes they gave up some bits, but I’m not a spoilt child as imagined. I didn’t join friends at brownies etc or have music lessons or that jazz, I babysat from late primary heavily. I’ve been self sufficient since 18, and got my first part time shop job at 13. I worked through uni and supported myself. I’ve hardly been a leech as kids go. I did a job half of my time at home giving a good deal of savings on childcare/ walking to school/ dinner prep etc.

YANBU
Reap what you sow.

Absolutely get it. I work with the elderly - like every other generation some are generous, fair and lovely and some are selfish, entitled and spoiled. There is plenty of help out there for people with money and full mental capacity.

As time goes on they may become more dependent and frail, and you will have to step up - but that's when the 'brought me up as a child' but steps in. While they are well off, in reasonable health and have full capacity there is plenty of help out there that they can access.

I was much older than siblings and the big financial improvement was in my late teens.

*@Fafoutis

Meaning what?*

Meaning that being the wealthiest generation has made them selfish and stupid (and nasty sometimes).
I bet its mainly the poorer babyboomers who support their children.

I have plenty of money and a nice big house, I don't need that. But I wish my parents and ILs cared about their grandchildren.

I agree that you reap what you sow. I'd leave them to it. Certainly for the moment while (it sounds like) they're still relatively able and have appropriate mental capacity. You may find you need to step in later to ensure they're accessing the proper care however.

If they have got all that money then they can afford taxis.
I'd just tell them straight, your too busy and give them the numbers of local taxi firms.

I think also some elderly people get to a point where they don't even try to do anything for themselves. Especially when they have a DC that comes running like a mug every time they phone up weeping and wailing

I'd help my dcs and give them my last penny, but I wouldn't offer to do childcare as young children stress me out.

I just squeeze into the last year of the Babyboom.

I arranged my work around my children. Then I had around four months after my youngest left home without caring responsibilities before both my elderly parents became extremely ill. I do a round trip of 150 miles once or twice a week to visit them in hospital or take them to appointments. I am available 24/7 in emergencies as my brother lives in NZ.

I am now also the only wage earner in our family as my husband was made redundant last year. We pay our children’s living expenses at university. We also paid school fees for some years.

Please do tell me if there’s more I can be doing to absolve my selfishness. I know lots of people my age doing the same things as sandwich generation members.

I think encouraging taxi or hospital transport would be best for everyone.

Their needs are only going to increase with age - they need to be independent as long as possible.

The taxi thing is an odd one – it’s fine for us to get taxis but older relatives won’t and ones with cars are horrified at idea of buses - which again are advocated for us. I wonder if it’s stepping out of the comfort zone.

Wow, I'm with you OP. My eldest is in his late 20s and youngest is a teen, I've always believed that kids are for life and it doesn't end when they are 18 years old. I think there should be a fair balance in supporting rather than giving them absolutely everything on a plate, but I would do anything to help my kids. If my son and his girlfriend had a baby, I would help as much as I could.

So yes, I'd be telling your parents to suck it up and use their comfortable financial situation on transport or hiring a bloody chauffeur. You are too busy looking after and supporting your own children!

Well you are clearly not selfish Abra. That sounds very hard.

I agreee, the car relationship is really odd. Impossible (shocking and self indulgent) to take and pay for a taxi but absolutely fine to expect a relative or neighbour to drive you for free.

So they are rich and have not been very nice or kind to your children.

You could forgive them for being mean to you, but being mean towards your children has made you dislike them. I understand.

Btw, are you an only child? Have you a sibling to talk to?

And no you don't have to give them lifts or be nice to them, because they were not nice to you. But you don't want to be like them do you?