to ask dh to think again about maintenance payments for his daughter?

[clumsymum]

I have a step-daughter who will be 20 at Christmas. She started University last Sept, and has dropped all contact with her father, despite him regularly sending emails/texts/voicemails. She never answers her mobile to him, never replies to his emails or texts. We have no idea why not.

He has always paid maintenance for his children, and when her older brother became 18 and left home, dh continued to pay 2/3rd of the previous maintenance to their mother, as he understood teenage girls are expensive to run.

Contact with dsd became patchy about 2 years ago, but she was busy, always had a good social life, so we left things in her hands, made it clear that she was always welcome, just call when you want us.
It took dh 5 calls last year just to find out what her A level results were.

When dsd went off to university last year, dh asked her to let him have her bank details, and he would pay her maintenance direct to her. Right she said. Didn't let him know, despite reminder emails. So he is still paying it to her mother.

We last saw dsd at Christmas, and as I say, she refuses all contact ever since. As far as I know we haven't done anything to offend her.

I have never begrudged my husband meeting his obligations to his children, and tried hard to be a friend to dsd thru her childhood. I also resolved never to interfere with dh's dealings with his first family.

But I am now reaching the conclusion that enough is enough.

Apart from anything else we don't even know if dsd is still at university. She could have dropped out and not told us.

Relations with dh's exw have never been good, and she doesn't respond to phone messages either. He still seems reluctant to cross her, so currently is finding excuses not to make poper attempts to contact her to find out about dsd.

Meanwhile, I get more and more frustrated, and am trying sooooo hard not to resent the money, but I'm losing that battle. We would like to put ds into private school, but can't really afford it, that maintenance money would make a difference.

I tried to discuss this with dh last night (I raise the subject now and then, don't nag), but he just asks me to change the subject, cos he's going to get angry.

He did say he will stop paying at 21, but that's another 18 months.

BTW, I wasn't part of the original break-up, didn't meet dh until 3 years after he had left exw.

yes Fio, What a comforting thought

Shame his daughter doesn't have his moral fibre, isn't it?

You are pissed off with her, and I'm not surprised. Lots of biological mothers would be highly pissed off with a daughter how refused to contact them.
HOWEVER, your dh wants to pay, he probably legally has to pay and so there you are - at least for the next 18months or so.
If he really wants to force the issue of contact, maybe the idea of saying, we are going to cancel the dd to your mum and put £150 or whatever in her bank account directly might work, but could also lead to her moaning about her controlling manipulative dad (I don't think that but a teenager could).
I can understand your sadness re your ds not having a big sister any more. That's horrible.
She may emerge from this one day and actually even apologise to you. Your dh clearly loves her very much despite everything and you really don't want to be in a position, some years down the line where he could say, 'she would still be around if only you hadn't told me to cut her maintenance' or something, even if that isn't true.
Try to not think about the money at all.

well it must be comforting in a way he obviously loves all his children very much and isnt the usual prickhead

I will try aloha.

I am incredibly cross with her, and feel so helpless (I'm a 'solver' you see).

While waiting at chiropractors today I even hatched a scheme where I ring her mums partner (SD seemed to get on fairly well with him) and say something like

"As we are emotionally one step back from this, can you help med find out why sd won't contact dh?"

But of course I won't, can't.

I've told dh she'll probably come back, apologetic when she's older, maybe a parent herself. But dh hurts now, I'm frustrated with her now, and what if she leaves it too late?

Clumsymum, I would rather take a financial blow than have my kids start their working life with massive debt.

Hi CM I am posting mainly because we find oursleves in a similar position...not sure I have much advice though!

I have DSS 19 and DSD 18.

DH had a court order to pay maintenance until they were 16 or left full-time education which is standard.

From the age of 15 DH paid the maintenance direct to the children - he set up standing orders to their bank accounts.

Both left full time education at 16 and both understood that the maintenance payments would stop, but that DH would continue to support them when they needed it (both of them started working when they left school).

For e.g. he paid for their driving lessons, has helped DSS buy his first car, etc.

Somewhere along the line DSD (who had fallen out with us previously when I got pg with DS) decided to cut off contact with us and DH has not seen her for nearly 18 months.

She refused to see DH at Christmas or Father's day, doesn;t answer his calls, or e-mails.

She has recently bought a house with her boyfriend (shared ownership) and DH wanted to help her out financially with the move but she has refused all his efforts.

WE don;t know why she has been doing this - obviously there is an issue but she won;t tell DH what it is.

DH has been really upset by it all but luckily recently she has been in touch again.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was I agree witht eh otehr posters about continuing to pay.

Trying to get her bank details so you can pay direct to her is your best bet. I absolutely think that at this age the money should be going to her directly.

But I don;t think you can punish her for not contacting you by stopping payment. That would be hugely damaging imo.

ah but obi, our financial blow affects ds.

clumsymum a court order says he has to pay, I wouldnt try and get over it, despite your stepdaughters behaviour

i mean i would try and get over, dont let it eat away at you

Message withdrawn

I wish someone could just go and check what the court order says. If it says he has to pay then he has to pay. That's it.

As for wheher parents should support children at univesrity that's a different debate. I have chosen to support our 3 who are all at university because when I was a student I was able to graduate debt free and I'd like them to be in the same position I was in. I would do that even if our court order didn't say I have to pay their university costs.

In terms of getting contact back going that's for her father to try and usually the new partner doesn't really know the ins and outs. Assume most of what the husband says isn't true from around the time of divorce is a pretty good starting point.

Does he have her contact details? Most children at univesrity want lifts. So they need someone to drive them back and forth. Could he not do that for example? Also there are events for parents sometimes.

It sounds as if he can't afford to have his first daughter and then a second family. That's why some people don't have a second child or family because they can't afford it or afford to do it the way they want. May be he couldn't really afford this new child and no reason the first family should suffer for that.

Aimsmum

Of course I don't forget how old ds is, because

a) He's here with me every day
b) it's still in single numbers of years

My very loving father lost track of how old I was somewhere around 15-16.

I don't regard it as hugely neglectful to get confused between 20 - 21 years.
To be honest we had a similar conversation about dss last year, was it his 24th or 25th birthday?

my MIl frogets how old her children are and she gave birth to them!

Message withdrawn

Clumsymum, but when you embark on starting a family with someone who already has commitments you have to take these sort of things on the chin.

It isn't about whether he has to pay it or not. He wants to pay it, his wife doesn't.

hmm. I rather think that dsd should wake up and acknowlege the parent who subsidises her life.

If the parents didn't want support to end of tertiary education why agree it in a court order? Presumably they did and a court sealed that and thought it was fair. I think one good test is had this couple lived happily ever after would they have supported their child at university or not. Most would to some extent. Children live at home about 50% of the year ast university, you usually need to house and feed them unless you're very mean indeed and that's quite a cost on the resident parent.

ACtually even that first post that her father said he'd pay her direct could well be unlawful. The money in the order is often to reflect the cost of the resident parent having that student at home 25 weeks a year never mind university costs etc. The other parent can't without going back to court change the arrangement and pay the child direct.