to ask dh to think again about maintenance payments for his daughter?

[clumsymum]

I have a step-daughter who will be 20 at Christmas. She started University last Sept, and has dropped all contact with her father, despite him regularly sending emails/texts/voicemails. She never answers her mobile to him, never replies to his emails or texts. We have no idea why not.

He has always paid maintenance for his children, and when her older brother became 18 and left home, dh continued to pay 2/3rd of the previous maintenance to their mother, as he understood teenage girls are expensive to run.

Contact with dsd became patchy about 2 years ago, but she was busy, always had a good social life, so we left things in her hands, made it clear that she was always welcome, just call when you want us.
It took dh 5 calls last year just to find out what her A level results were.

When dsd went off to university last year, dh asked her to let him have her bank details, and he would pay her maintenance direct to her. Right she said. Didn't let him know, despite reminder emails. So he is still paying it to her mother.

We last saw dsd at Christmas, and as I say, she refuses all contact ever since. As far as I know we haven't done anything to offend her.

I have never begrudged my husband meeting his obligations to his children, and tried hard to be a friend to dsd thru her childhood. I also resolved never to interfere with dh's dealings with his first family.

But I am now reaching the conclusion that enough is enough.

Apart from anything else we don't even know if dsd is still at university. She could have dropped out and not told us.

Relations with dh's exw have never been good, and she doesn't respond to phone messages either. He still seems reluctant to cross her, so currently is finding excuses not to make poper attempts to contact her to find out about dsd.

Meanwhile, I get more and more frustrated, and am trying sooooo hard not to resent the money, but I'm losing that battle. We would like to put ds into private school, but can't really afford it, that maintenance money would make a difference.

I tried to discuss this with dh last night (I raise the subject now and then, don't nag), but he just asks me to change the subject, cos he's going to get angry.

He did say he will stop paying at 21, but that's another 18 months.

BTW, I wasn't part of the original break-up, didn't meet dh until 3 years after he had left exw.

Actually,
Feedmenow had a good suggestion here:

"leave a amessage to say that he thinks she should manage her own finances and he wants to transfer the money direct to her, so he's cancelling the standing order to her mum and will immediately set up a new s/o to dsd when she gives him the details. "

Echo that.

I am cross with her, because she is hurting someone I love, someone who is struggling to 'do the right thing', and she apparently doesn't give a damn.

Actually, how do you know she is receiving the messages?

Just a thought.

cm, did you see my question? The legal position is very clear. Does the court order when they split up say he has to pay the maintenance until the child leaves university or not? That's probably the complete answer to whether or not he has to pay.

Plenty of biological parents get angry with their children, including their adult children, if they are rude or dismissive towards them. And plenty of biological parents would think twice about giving money to an adult child if they didn't ever speak to them or even let them know where they live.

But Clumsymum, your dh wants to pay, so I don't think going on about it to him will help at all. You could suggest the thing about putting in his daughter's account, if he really wants her to make contact.

StarryNight, Her phone rings, then goes to voicemail.
He has left messages and sent texts.
He has sent emails to the address she used for 2 years before going to university.

Back in feb he did check with her mother that she hadn't changed her phone number.

That's all we know.

Then you are more forgiving than me, Clumsy, cos I WOULD expect gratitude! There are loads of people out there who go on to uni and can't/don't get any financial help from parents, and have to be self sufficient. I mean, getting a job is not unheard of!!
And how many people happily spend out £200 a month for they-don't-know-what!?! You are, effectively, investing in her future and most people like to keep track on their investments to be reassured it is worthwhile. You wouldn't invest £200 a month in a business and then never ask how it is going/ask for reports/accounts,etc. My god, if you donate £5 a month to charity you at least get newsletters!!
Anyway, sorry if I am ranting! For some reason this has really got to me, and I think you must have the patience of a saint!

But there's not much point in your being cross with her, is there? You can't do anything to change it. You can't change the way teenaged girls and children of divorced parents behave and handle their relationships. So it's wasted emotion, your being angry with her.

Also wih all due respect it does sound a little bit like you are simply wanting to reclaim the money currently going to your stepdaughter so that your son gets the benefit of it instead, because she isn't a child any more in your eyes. That's a debatable stance in itself. But it sounds as though you are "making a case" with all this indignant anger about the lack of contact and speculation about whether she is still in education, to support your argument for withdrawing the money and cover your real motives. IMO.

I think you will find that she has a legal right to support from her separated or divorced parents...... unlike a 19 year old of intactly married parents ironically. Most married couples support their adult children through Uni. In the case of divorced or separated parents there is legislation to apply for continued support. If he does not support her, where is she going to get the shortfall? Must the girl leave Uni? Must the State pay? Either would be a weird outcome in the light of the fact that the money would be spent privately educating a child of the new family!

I don't think Clumsymum would begrudge a penny if they knew his daughter was still at university and made even the most basic attempts to keep in touch. Not sure I'd give my adult children £200 a month if they no longer saw or spoke to me and I had no idea where they were.

Xenia, I would have to dig about in our files for his court order (made before I was ever around). DH believes he should pay while she's in education, but also believes she should keep contact.

I do understand the anger. My mum was pretty angry with me when she left that message , but it is a separate issue IMO as to whether her father should continue to support her.

I think just stopping maintenance would be a disaster in terms of any future relationship tbh, and she might even be able to sue your dh for it if she is still at university.

Am I the only one at the fact that she is getting 50 a week pocket money??? what the hell is she spending it on???

Thanks aloha, you are right.

i had a baby and had lived away from my parents for over a year by her age, i didnt get maintenance off my parents and i would have felt very uncomfortable getting it. this is not a little girl, she is a grown adult who is old enough to take responsibility for her own life. if he has no reason to contact his ex then he can stop the payments and sod what she thinks, i think his daughter should have more respect for him and if she wants the cash then she should act appropriately. if i was him i would stop the payments until she has finished behaving like this.

unfortnately it is only him who can make the decision as she is his daughter. i would stay well out of it if i were you, but i wanted to let you know i think you are being totally reasonable in how you feel

its not the same, but my brother hardly ever phones home, my mum sees him very rarely despite living in the same town. he doesnt reply to texts or messages. and she gives him cash nearly every time she sees him, way more than me who she sees every week. i think it might be a guilt thing even tho she makes the effort - she cant look after him cos she doesnt see him so she gives him money instead.

crossed posts

aloha you are right that I would not begrudge the money if she showed any regard for dh.

Hmm, I think if she tried to sue, any solicitor would encourage her to talk to her father first. Problem solved.

waynettaslob| where do you get this idea that it is spending money from? What is she using to pay for books, accommodation, tuition, food etc. TBH I can't see £50/week going very far.

There are countless possiblities as to why she might not want to be in touch with her father or her stepmother or her step sibling(s). Let us suppose that she has never recovered from her parents' marriage split and is wildly jealous of the new family? She clearly does not want to be in touch so I think you have to accept, even if you truly believe her behaviour is irrational. Unlike British peerages under Blair (apparently!) which are available as a cash transaction, there is no cash for access legislation and the fact that contact is not maintained by either party is not good reason to cease payment. If you are not in touch with her what leads you to assume that she is no longer at Uni?