to ask dh to think again about maintenance payments for his daughter?

[clumsymum]

I have a step-daughter who will be 20 at Christmas. She started University last Sept, and has dropped all contact with her father, despite him regularly sending emails/texts/voicemails. She never answers her mobile to him, never replies to his emails or texts. We have no idea why not.

He has always paid maintenance for his children, and when her older brother became 18 and left home, dh continued to pay 2/3rd of the previous maintenance to their mother, as he understood teenage girls are expensive to run.

Contact with dsd became patchy about 2 years ago, but she was busy, always had a good social life, so we left things in her hands, made it clear that she was always welcome, just call when you want us.
It took dh 5 calls last year just to find out what her A level results were.

When dsd went off to university last year, dh asked her to let him have her bank details, and he would pay her maintenance direct to her. Right she said. Didn't let him know, despite reminder emails. So he is still paying it to her mother.

We last saw dsd at Christmas, and as I say, she refuses all contact ever since. As far as I know we haven't done anything to offend her.

I have never begrudged my husband meeting his obligations to his children, and tried hard to be a friend to dsd thru her childhood. I also resolved never to interfere with dh's dealings with his first family.

But I am now reaching the conclusion that enough is enough.

Apart from anything else we don't even know if dsd is still at university. She could have dropped out and not told us.

Relations with dh's exw have never been good, and she doesn't respond to phone messages either. He still seems reluctant to cross her, so currently is finding excuses not to make poper attempts to contact her to find out about dsd.

Meanwhile, I get more and more frustrated, and am trying sooooo hard not to resent the money, but I'm losing that battle. We would like to put ds into private school, but can't really afford it, that maintenance money would make a difference.

I tried to discuss this with dh last night (I raise the subject now and then, don't nag), but he just asks me to change the subject, cos he's going to get angry.

He did say he will stop paying at 21, but that's another 18 months.

BTW, I wasn't part of the original break-up, didn't meet dh until 3 years after he had left exw.

"If he does not support her, where is she going to get the shortfall? Must the girl leave Uni? Must the State pay?"

I don't know. Maybe she should think about that herself.

But don't lots of students now attend university without any financial support?

i cant believe so many people think its ok for her to behave like this. if it was my child and i had no idea how they were doing then yes i would stop giving them cash. fgs she could be spending it on heroin for all he knows, maybe thats why she hasnt contacted him. i would want to know my child was ok and if it was the only tool i had i would use it. the point is tho she isnt a child, she is a grown up who is acting like a child. if he is worried about being sued he can always put the oney aside and give it to her when he knows she is ok

Yes they do. And they end up in a lot of debt. Which presumably your dh doesn't want for his daughter.

How old is your ds Clumsymum? it's only 18months until she is 21.

ds is 7.

yes they do cm, it is possible it just means you cant have a car and you have to do some work rather than getting out of bed at noon and rolling straight into the nearest pub. and i know lots of people who went with financial support and ended up in debt, some without a degree cos they spent all their money on alcohol. i wont be paying for my kids to get liver failure

I don't think anybody thinks it is a reasonable way for her to behave (although we don't know the circumstances obviously), but whether is it reasonable to cut off her financial support while she studies to either a) punish her for her unreasonable behaviour or b) provide more money for the education of her sibling, is debatable.

bozza - I am assuming that she is able to get a job.....I worked through uni to pay for my food / books / social life so kind of expect others to do it too.

It would be quite reasonable to ask for evidence, a copy of the course tuition fees for example, that she is indeed in full time education. That is reasonable. Evidence first then a decision as to what to do about it - IF she is no longer in Uni. IMHO you absolutely do not withold payment just because the stepmum thinks enough is enough. Sorry but I think that would cause horrible damage..... you would be denying your DH the right to dance at his DD's wedding in a few years' time.

she never had a summer job in previous years.

Apparently waitressed a bit during first term before Christmas, but gave it up cos they asked her to do a rota around Xmas/New year.

some degrees only have you in uni one day a week. she could work 5 days, study in evenings and go to uni one day. if she wants it badly enough. i think too many kids set off to uni being funded by their parents thinking its a holiday camp. which it is, cos parents let them carry on behaving like prats.

I had a student loan when I was at University, and various small jobs, shelving in the library, behind the bar in a pub. It is true that she can work to support herself.

But as Xenia says, you need to know your legal standing before you make any changes to the payments.

well I wouldn't pay a child of mine £200 a month without a thank you

they would get a flea in their ear (message box or whatever) saying hellooooooooooooo, speak to me

it is rude

yes teenagers are busy, yes you are busy at uni, but manners are manners

does he have contact with his son, the 18 year old? can he speak to him about contacting his dd sis on his behalf

Whether or not she has a job, wants a job, should get a job, or could get a job to pay for/part pay for Uni is wholly irrelevant to this thread.

I think that rather assumes that she is doing the kind of course whereby she only has to be in college one day a week

And actually isn't really the point anyway.

Her father has made a commitment to support her in her education. If he reneges on that, that that will be a kick in the teeth. And yes, she may deserve it for being a stroppy cow who won't make contact with her father and brother, but is it worth potentially damaging any future relationship they may have for the sake of this money. That's the question.

Does it stop on the dot of 21 BTW, because she won't have finished her degree then...

Caroline, why is it irrelevant? CM and her dh might just as well be throwing their money down the drain for all they know of where it goes! And even if they knew exactly where it goes, CM has a valid case to want to enable her son the best possible education. It needn't be at the expense of dsd as she is probably more than able to survive perfectly well without the money. And to be fair, if she doesn't have the decency to maintain a relationship with "the hands that feed her" then, IMO, she doesn't even deserve it!

olive

The issue with dh's son (who is now 25) is rather complicated, because he has autism. He now lives in sheltered accommodation with his own income. So dh gives him money as presents and stuff.

We get letters and cards from dss, occasionally phone calls (tho' he's not good on conversation), but couldn't get into the complexities of this with him.

It's pretty clear that you resent your stepdaughter and are looking for reasons to hurt her. You've invented this idea about her not being at university any more with no evidence at all.

Whatever anyone thinks of a teenager who doesn't contact her father, messing around with the money your husband is happy to pay to his daughter is not the right thing to do, or a particuarly clever thing to do. Will rebound on you and your dh - and maybe your ds too, in terms of his future relationship with his big sister.

As for failure to contact, I didn't contact my family for my first term at university as I was just having too good a time and throwing myself into the experience. Needed to separate from them. Now realise how heartless I was, but at the time it was something I needed to do.

And divorce does have a life-long impact on children even after they are grown up. There might be all sorts of reasons why her relationship with your dh is troubled. I've patched up my relationship with my own father but it took years of work to get over the resentment about his messing around with maintenance while his second wife went on a spending spree.

If you persuade your husband to cut her off so your son can go to private school, you will cause lifelong hurt, potentially destroying relationships between the children and your husband.

well of course it does, im just saying most people at uni can support themselves if they want to, for some people it would be extremely easy. she does not need the financial support to continue studying. yes it would be a kick in the teeth. but maybe it would knock some sense into her. as long as clumsymum can say she would do it to her ds if he behaved the same way then she is entitled to feel the way she does about sd.

however it is irrelevant because as i said its got to be his decision.

its got my back up that people seem to think she is poor vulnerable child when she isnt. she is a grown woman taking the mickey. cm is justified in being angry with her. thats all my point is really, everyone was saying she was unreasonable, i wanted to post in support

She's 19 FFS, not a grown woman. And I bet the OP will still be supporting her son when he's 19...whether or not he is at uni.

"It's pretty clear that you resent your stepdaughter and are looking for reasons to hurt her."

Goodness edam, of course, why didn't everyone else realise that?

You are WRONG WRONG WRONG.

I suspect she may have given up on university because
a) she scraped in, the place and course were her final choice having got poorer than expected A levels.
b) she won't contact dh, suggests that there is something she doesn't want him to know.

um, yes - if you kick something it gives it a knock. kick in the teeth - quote from flying machine. isnt that fairly obvious? or maybe she doesnt need any sense to get through life? naughty me thinking a GROWN WOMAN should have a bit of sense.

yourself.