to ask dh to think again about maintenance payments for his daughter?

[clumsymum]

I have a step-daughter who will be 20 at Christmas. She started University last Sept, and has dropped all contact with her father, despite him regularly sending emails/texts/voicemails. She never answers her mobile to him, never replies to his emails or texts. We have no idea why not.

He has always paid maintenance for his children, and when her older brother became 18 and left home, dh continued to pay 2/3rd of the previous maintenance to their mother, as he understood teenage girls are expensive to run.

Contact with dsd became patchy about 2 years ago, but she was busy, always had a good social life, so we left things in her hands, made it clear that she was always welcome, just call when you want us.
It took dh 5 calls last year just to find out what her A level results were.

When dsd went off to university last year, dh asked her to let him have her bank details, and he would pay her maintenance direct to her. Right she said. Didn't let him know, despite reminder emails. So he is still paying it to her mother.

We last saw dsd at Christmas, and as I say, she refuses all contact ever since. As far as I know we haven't done anything to offend her.

I have never begrudged my husband meeting his obligations to his children, and tried hard to be a friend to dsd thru her childhood. I also resolved never to interfere with dh's dealings with his first family.

But I am now reaching the conclusion that enough is enough.

Apart from anything else we don't even know if dsd is still at university. She could have dropped out and not told us.

Relations with dh's exw have never been good, and she doesn't respond to phone messages either. He still seems reluctant to cross her, so currently is finding excuses not to make poper attempts to contact her to find out about dsd.

Meanwhile, I get more and more frustrated, and am trying sooooo hard not to resent the money, but I'm losing that battle. We would like to put ds into private school, but can't really afford it, that maintenance money would make a difference.

I tried to discuss this with dh last night (I raise the subject now and then, don't nag), but he just asks me to change the subject, cos he's going to get angry.

He did say he will stop paying at 21, but that's another 18 months.

BTW, I wasn't part of the original break-up, didn't meet dh until 3 years after he had left exw.

I agree with the suggestion that he leave her a message (or even better send a letter recorded delivery ) saying he is stopping paying it to her mum and to get in touch to giv ehim her bank details.

I do think she should be a little bit grateful - lots of parents (my ILs included) stopped paying a penny when their children started university, and his parents were together. I'm a bit that court orders will force absent parents to pay, yet parents who are together are under no such obligation.

19 is an adult. i was a grown up at that age. should we have them all living at home til they are 30 so we can run round after them? ffs she is not a child. how utterly ridiculous. if she is not a grown woman she should not be living away from home.

A question Speccy. Do you never have to think for a while about how old members of your family are?

Bear in mind we haven't seen her for 6 months, don't have much contact.

I have to think for a bit if anyone asks me how old my sister is, it's the same sort of thing.

i have to think how old i am some days

Tha perpetua btw

Thanks .... perpetua btw

Off to get some work done.

Oh Speccy. Of course sd doesn't KNOW that we had to work out her age

FGS

19 is not 'grown up'. Young people are still very vulnerable at that age.

I can only go on what CM has posted, but at some point...before she was 11 her parents split up.

She has an older brother who is autistic (which much have difficult for the family as a whole to cope with) and her mother has made the situation difficult.

In addition to that she has had to cope with her father re-marrying and having a new family.

Now, many young people who have gone through that kind of scenario...no matter how well intentioned the adult parties are...will be angry, and that anger can carry on for a very long time.

She might be testing her father by not contacting him, so if he does withdraw support she can turn around and say 'ha! see, you don't really care about me'

I agree with Edam that there may be more complex issues at play here. She is a product of a split family and has a brother with obviously complex needs. It seems to me that there is scope there for her to have some difficulties or resentments about her family which may be not obvious to you clumsy.

From your posts it really seems as if she is avoiding contact and she obviously has reasons for that; you just don't know. They COULD be because she has screwed up t Uni or they could be more complex and family related.

I'd guess that as a 19 yr old who sounds as if she may be a little immature in terms of taking responsibility for herself, the money she receives from him is in NO way any sort of issue for her, as it obviously and understandably is for you. She just takes it as her entitlement obviously.

Which it is, in all probability. I think if this were me I would hunker down for the next 18 months and allow your DH to support her for that time without you making an issue of it.

x posts obi, I agree with you too. She may be an angry young lady who is punishing her dad; and clumsy, no matter what sacrifices he has made to stay in the area and support her, I think to a young person damaged by the trauma of a family split, probably that's not enough, sadly. Nothing's enough, really, I guess.

She will in all likelihood process it though and come out the other side. All the more important to keep in touch; do not leave it to her and think she knows where she is if she needs her dad; he's the parent and the onus is on him.

to give the other side of it - my Dad paid maintenance for me through all 4 years of my university life -because a court said he had to, and he had agreed to it.
I never contacted him while I was there, had no interest in doing so. He did call me once a year (2 in exceptional circumstances) but I suppose had no real idea of whether I had dropped out or not.

She'll be off for the summer now so maybe he should try again to contact her / her Mum. If she has left university then I suppose the money should come back to your dh - depending on the court order.

obi thats what i expect of my 6yo. however i am teaching him that is not the best way to behave and if he still has tantrums at 19 i will not be giving in to them. if she isnt grown up enough to look after herself she should not be away from home.

and its not irrelevant, it was in reply to another post. unless we are only meant to reply to op now

yes she may have issues, but ignoring her dad wont sort them out. she could at least write to him telling him why she wont get in touch. if nothing else it may improve the situation that she gets it off her chest. if she writes and says she is still at uni but wants no contact with him thats her choice and he cant stop payments for that, but not knowing must be killing him

anyway thats enough fun for one day, am off

hope you get this resolved some time soon cm

Perpetua, there is a big difference between tantrums and the actions of someone who has been emotionally damaged in some way.

If you can't see that then I'm gobsmacked quite frankly, and I hope that your attitude doesn't come back and bite you on the arse one day.

I have got to say I find paying maintenance for a child that age bizarre. I HAD to leave home at 17/18 and find a bloody job. My dad paid my mother maintenance until I was 16. that was the end. Whther it was right of him is another matter but this girl is 19 nearly 20 and clumsymum has other children to think of. I dont think she is being unreasonable at all

but if she hasn't seen her dad much in the last few years why would she keep in close contact?
I hadn't seen much of my Dad in the 10 years before Uni - a few hours twice a year maybe, so when I left home I felt under no obligation to remain in touch. University is fun, and due to the distant relationship I had with my Dad it would have been like keeping in touch with an Uncle a lot - not something that would have crossed my mind.

I would say though that now I see my Dad maybe 4 or 5 times a year and speak to him in between - so it does get better!

and xenia is right (!) is it a legal binding thing until she is 21? IF NOT THEN THE ANSWER IS NO, HE DOESNT HAVE TO PAY oops

Fio - it is set by the courts. My Dad had the choice of to 18 or when they leave full time education - he gambled on us leaving school at 16!! Both myself and my sister went to university so he had years extra to pay. With his next divorce settlement he made sure he went for the specified age!

HE WANTS TO PAY

Zubb, we always made sure we saw my step kids often, involved them in things etc.

SD chose to see us less as she got older, and we understood that, she had her social life with her mates.

But dh never lost interest or broke contact with her, until she has made it impossible to reach her.

BTW her parents seperated when she was 18 mnths old. They had married young, had terrible pressures with their first childs autism, and I guess were too young to deal with it together.
DH beats himself up about it regularly. He carries guilt with him and tries so hard to make up for it. That's why her current behaviour cuts him so much, and me.

Loads of parents support their kids through uni regardless of divorce/court orders etc...
Better that than to have them start their working life saddled with debt.

ahh I see

he has to pay then clumsymum! and if he wants to pay then at least you can rest assured if you ever split up from him he will feel its his obligation to provide for your children together until that time

Obi

"Better that than to have them start their working life saddled with debt"

Much better that we're saddled with it then, eh?