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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expensive holiday club vs child maintenance

132 replies

notmyrealid · 01/04/2019 18:04

Parent A has residence of 2 DC. Parent B has visitation for a couple of hours fortnightly, and pays quite good maintenance (around £1K/ month).
Parent A wants one of the children to attend a specialised Easter holiday club (STEM focused, with robotics and other fancy topics). The issue is that the club is quite posh (around £400 for a week, and not even for a full day). The child is of primary school age and there is no pressing educational need for them to attend.
Parent A asked for an additional contribution of £200 from Parent B towards the cost of the club. What is your opinion - should this be already covered by the regular maintenance payments or is Parent A reasonable in this request?

OP posts:
Cuddlysnowleopard · 01/04/2019 18:43

I looked at these clubs for DS2, who would loved to have gone to one, but decided they were extortionate.

Has Parent B actually looked at the course, spoken to the child, and decided whether it is worth it. That would be my deciding factor, rather than just handing over money like a cash point. I would also be more worried about the amount of contact.

Jessgalinda · 01/04/2019 18:43

What I actually think parent B should do: decline to pay the extra for the club, take a week off work and look after his children himself for once.

That's the perfect solution

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 01/04/2019 18:47

If parent B (who’s “side” assume you’re on) can afford £200 extra so their child can do this club which I’d assume the child would enjoy, then yes B should pay imo.

And it’s a total cop out that B doesn’t spend more time with their child due to their “schedule”. A is doing pretty much everything. Don’t knock A.

Starlight456 · 01/04/2019 18:52

I would call out parent B whose life is so full can only see dc a couple of hours a fortnight.

I would change my job rather than have that little contact with dc.

Does child want to do activity? Parent A is prepared to put half ?

BitchQueen90 · 01/04/2019 19:02

Parent A is not BU to ask. Parent B is not BU to say no though.

Parent B is BU by having so little contact with DC though. "Work commitments" is a shitty excuse. It's called being a parent. The children won't give a shit about how much maintenance Parent B paid when they're older, they will give a shit that their parent couldn't be bothered to make time for them.

GarthFunkel · 01/04/2019 19:03

There are 6 weeks of holiday - where are the DC for the rest of the time and who is taking time off or paying for childcare for the other weeks?

Original poster
notmyrealid · 01/04/2019 19:09

Parent B has an unpredictable business travel pattern, and doesn't even have a permanent base in the UK to arrange overnights. He pays far in excess of the minimum legally required child maintenance. Parent A is working but not full time / in a high pressure job, their other DC is not yet two. Parent A is technically offering to go halves, but "their" half will (realistically) also come out of the child maintenance Parent B is paying.
I am not taking sides, I can actually understand both parties here. So far the consensus seems to be not unreasonable to ask, not unreasonable to refuse, which is close to how I feel as well.

OP posts:
AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse · 01/04/2019 19:10

I agree with the pp who suggested that parent b decline to pay, takes a week off work and spends it with his dc. Could that work? He could take the dc to loads of science-y days out? Museums etc? Assuming of course, he isn’t already doing so and this holiday club is a different week.

Original poster
notmyrealid · 01/04/2019 19:11

It is the first school year for their oldest DC so holiday care is a completely new topic for them.

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 19:12

Well given ex won’t contribute a penny over maintenance decided by the csa for my children I won’t contribute clothes etc when he has them for holidays etc. it’s sll pathetic should never come to this frankly and should be all about the quality of life for the child/ren.

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 19:13

So I’m answer to the question ... what does the child want to do, what would make them
Happy

Original poster
notmyrealid · 01/04/2019 19:18

The child would probably enjoy it, they are into robots and stuff. The request came out of the blue, there was no chance to discuss with the child yet (and the club is scheduled for the next week).

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 19:19

Then given there seems little other opportunity to make the child happy the other parent should do so. I’ve done that for mine since the moment they were born, it’s no different just because I’m no longer with their dad

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/04/2019 19:22

Yes parent B should pay clearly they can afford to. Holiday clubs should be fun - like a holiday at home not just childcare.

Jessgalinda · 01/04/2019 19:24

He is a parent. A permanent base is a must.

He gets annual leave and at least some notice.

Parent B is totally cop out as a parent.

Merryoldgoat · 01/04/2019 19:34

Can they afford it? If they can I can’t see why they wouldn’t.

Bored kids over the holiday is hell and I’d love my child to be really happily engaged for the week.

Parent B is clearly of the opinion that they pay enough to get out of any actual parenting. Then they’ll complain when the children stop wanting to see them as they get older and ‘abandon’ them when they’re old and frail and lonely.

You reap what you sow.

Pythonesque · 01/04/2019 19:36

It's interesting, I was with the consensus until I realised how young the child is - I'm not certain that they will get enough out of a club of this nature to justify that cost just yet, may be better to wait a couple more years.

Weepingwillow5 · 01/04/2019 19:40

I’ve seen these courses advertised , and at similar cost .This kind of course is more about investing in a child with particular interests than just providing childcare . Parent B needs to think about whether it can be afforded and whether there’s real value in his child attending . If the child would be just as happy at a football club for a quarter of the price then there’s the answer.

Sculpin · 01/04/2019 19:42

I agree with other posters that a couple of hours a fortnight is truly rubbish, whatever the work pattern of B.

Starlight456 · 01/04/2019 19:46

I still don’t see why contact is only a couple of hours surely soft play lunch out parks , so much you can do with a little ones that take longer than a couple of hours .

1 grand is very easy to go through when paying childcare , esp if in London area,

Unless parent a has family support she is on her own with these children full time except when at work.

I can’t get my head past someone only seeing dc for a couple of hours a fortnight and if that was me I probably would pay at least give them some joy .

You have eluded to discuss parent B’s holidays

TheCraicDealer · 01/04/2019 19:53

Parent B has an unpredictable business travel pattern, and doesn't even have a permanent base in the UK to arrange overnights.

And? I think the fact that he has nowhere to live and spends a few hours a fortnight with his kids (presumably at McDonalds, bowling, the cinema etc) means that in effect parent A is doing pretty much all the parenting and basically tailors her (let's face it, it's a woman) and the kids' timetable to facilitate an ex who can't even find himself a flat to rent- a pattern that I'm sure was set well before the relationship ended. Zero nights or weekends off before hearing gripes about how "only night stays count" re. maintainence calculations? The woman must have the patience of a saint.

In those circumstances her assurances that the child would enjoy it and get something out of it would be enough to convince me as Parent B that it was worth it.

Breakers · 01/04/2019 19:57

I think it is reasonable to ask for a contribution but not necessarily to expect it. £400 is expensive. For parent B who doesn't parent, £200 for a week's childcare over the holidays and a week full of activities that the child will be really interested in doesn't sound too bad. If I were B I would pay towards it if I could afford it. Why wouldn't I? If I couldn't afford it I would offer to take a week off work over the holidays to look after the DC and give them a week's worth of fun. Ideally parent B would do both.

NerrSnerr · 01/04/2019 20:01

Parent B has an unpredictable business travel pattern, and doesn't even have a permanent base in the UK to arrange overnights.

Why on earth doesn't he get a permanent base in the U.K. so he can see his child more. Because then he'd actually have to do some of the hard work.

nanbread · 01/04/2019 20:10

Parent B should pay it, and happily, to make up for being a shitty parent.

Usually jobs with travel abroad and unpredictable patterns pay pretty damn well.

IM0GEN · 01/04/2019 20:12

Person B need to stop “ visiting “ their child and start parenting them.

They need to sort out their “ unpredictable business travel pattern” to prioritise their child. You know, like person A has done.

They need to get a base in the UK to arrange overnights and care for their own child.

Paying “ far in excess of the minimum legally required child maintenance” is what all decent parents should do if they can possibly afford it.

No one should be proud of doing the legal minimum for their kids. I don’t know any resident parents who say “ I only have one outfit of clothes for my child and only feed them bread and jam all the time because that’s all I have to do legally. They never get to watch Tv, eat sweets , have a mobile or play games because the law doesn’t require it”.

And I agree with the PP who said that B should fork up for the camp or take a week off work to care for the child.