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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Retire in secret??!

30 replies

Bomballerina · 01/04/2019 08:21

In cloak and dagger fashion, MIL has worked her notice, had her last day, and celebrated with her workplace. Two days after all of this we find out she has officially retired. We don’t ask her for childcare so there’s no pressure on her from us in that respect, and there’s been no discussion about retirement other than family trying to make pleasant conversation that she could and should. Any idea why the big secret? Or have others got experience of this too?! (I find it quite funny but DH is upset and angry at not knowing.) And how does one celebrate a secret retirement?! 😝

OP posts:

Hiddenaspie1973 · 01/04/2019 08:23

Maybe she's struggling with the change in status and needs time to adapt without a fanfare. Or she could be protecting her free time as she doesn't want others using her.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2019 08:28

Maybe she's not happy about her retirement, it could be her workplace suggested to her to retire, if there were performance issues (and yes I know that's not on) or maybe health related issues, maybe she was made redundant and took it as retirement, whatever.

I'd assume someone who hasn't mentioned it, hasn't done so because they are not happy about the retirement and don't wish to discuss it.

ForalltheSaints · 01/04/2019 08:30

Well done MIL! I don't want a fanfare when I retire either.

The only concern I might have in your shoes would be if when MIL was at work you could only contact her there (if no mobile phone for example), as should anything happen to your DH (serious illness, accident) you would want to contact her immediately. So perhaps a bit of warning and a discussion about what you would do in such circumstances might have been helpful, and indeed to offer to help her adjust if she wishes for assistance.

PurpleWithRed · 01/04/2019 08:32

Maybe she's about to pawn her gold watch and run off to Costa Rica with the new junior office manager?

Maybe to keep you all guessing?

If her DS is upset and angry he wasn't informed, maybe she kept it quiet because he's over invested in her working life and feels it's none of his business?

Maybe just ask her? (I know, spoils the fun)

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2019 09:00

I would also agree, your husband's attitude is wrong and very entitled. If she didn't wish to discuss it, that's her call and he should respect that, not throw his toys out the pram like a small child.

Original poster

Bomballerina · 01/04/2019 09:27

I don’t thing he’s overinvested in her worklife, though that’s an interesting perspective. As is the entitlement thing - I really didn’t think of it that way. I knew you ladies would open up my view of things!

I did ask her PurpleWithRed she couldn’t answer! Though I love the idea that she’d b*er off to Costa Rica 🤣🤣🤣

Seems like a fairly unique situation though!

OP posts:

clairemcnam · 01/04/2019 09:51

I assume also she is struggling with being retired. Either -

she was subtly or not so subtly given the push because of performance issues
work was becoming difficult and she felt she had to retire
health issues she does not want you to know about forced her to retire
she is struggling with the idea of being a pensioner, getting old, and getting closer to dying

If you are struggling with something, the last thing you want is someone else making a big deal of it as if it is a good thing. In the nicest possible way, this is not about you.

Alsohuman · 01/04/2019 09:55

She’s my generation, we don’t share every cough and fart of our lives. I didn’t tell any of the kids I was retiring. It didn’t affect them and they don’t need to know.

Snog · 01/04/2019 10:02

Neither MIL nor FIL shared any retirement details with their kids. I'm not sure if it's usual to share this kind of life detail or not.

HazelBite · 01/04/2019 10:09

Well done your MIL!!
As a fairly recent retiree I can give you some explanation. It takes a hell of a lot of adjustment from being of some "worth" to being virtually invisable and just one of those "old dears" who are now able to do their shopping during the week.
Those who have not been through it do not understand, you lose confidence and it is such a huge adjustment it is something you have to deal with in your own way and in your own time.
Your MIL has probably spoken to friends who have been through this, and has behaved in a way best for her.
The other thing that happens is that once you retire others decide you have so much spare time, and take advantage in many ways ie being in for deliveries (for family) childcare, pet minding. Sometimes I feel my life is not my own, because I don't have anything important to do with my day, apart from relax and have a nice time!
By default I am now I am the "go to" person in the family for a "favour" because I am "retired"!!
Sorry OP .....my rant is over!!
I sincerely hope your MIL has more backbone to refuse "favours" than me

Original poster

Bomballerina · 01/04/2019 14:17

Thanks for all the opinions. I’m certainly surprised that there are so many people out there that don’t see the secrecy as unusual. I would have thought that a retirement is akin to a wedding or having a child in terms of life changing importance, and therefore even if you didn’t want to celebrate it, you would at least mention it!! Oh well, I guess I’ll just need to get banners printed and leave them lying around the house the next time we have something “big” to tell the in-laws 😝🤣

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 01/04/2019 14:23

I took early retirement a few years ago and i really just wanted to slip out of work and ease into my new life without anyone knowing. I was not enjoying my job and once i retired I just wanted to lie low for a while to reassess my life and make some decisions on what i should do next. It isn't a big joyous occasion for everyone.

PinkHeart5914 · 01/04/2019 14:26

Thing is it’s not like it’s something you really needed to know is it, so I don’t see how it’s secrecy tbh.

No way in hell is retiring like having a child or getting married 😂

Exhausted18 · 01/04/2019 14:28

I worked with a lady who reduced her working week from 5 to 3 days for her last two years before she retired (at that time you had to be out of the door at 65) and she never told her husband and children that she had two free days a week. In her words "they would have those days filled for me quicker than blinking and I want to enjoy some time to myself". I thought she was an absolute genius! She used to leave the house at the same time as her husband and take herself off for drives or go for afternoon tea or classes etc. As it was, when she retired fully, her DH recruited her into helping with his business and her DIL tried to rope her into childcare so she had a point.

IvanaPee · 01/04/2019 14:31

It’s a big deal to some, not to others.

There could be dozens of reasons, none of which she’s obligated to share.

Why is your dh being so weird about it?!

ilovesooty · 01/04/2019 14:39

I retired from paid work last week. It was my choice and I'm developing my self employment.

I haven't told any of my family, who don't live near me anyway. It isn't any of their business.

I don't think your MIL choosing to keep it to herself is strange.

Timeforabiscuit · 01/04/2019 14:45

She is definately isnt being unreasonable, how would it impact your dh day-to-day? If it wouldnt, then its none of his business.

Ariela · 01/04/2019 14:47

She also might not appreciate people knowing how old she might be/thinking she is older than she is if retired early.

ChocOrCheese · 01/04/2019 15:07

I am retiring and not telling anyone who does not need to know. My mother will expect far too much of me if she thinks I have no work to do.

Grumpelstilskin · 01/04/2019 15:21

Your DH sounds like a brat.

Gatehouse77 · 01/04/2019 15:23

It wouldn't even cross my mind to tell anyone (except DH, of course) unless it naturally cropped up in conversation. I wouldn't even engineer the conversation for someone to ask.

I don't see what your MIL has done as 'secret' but, perhaps, private. Maybe she simply didn't want to have a fun made?

DH and I have have 'milestone' birthdays next year - our older siblings have all done something with extended family as they want to celebrate and share. DH and I would be much happier with just our nuclear family going out for a meal (unless the kids choose to cook but we shan't be expecting that!) and no mention to the restaurant.

Are we bah humbugs? Probably.
Is that how we want to 'celebrate'? Yes.
Do family always get a say in our choices? No.
Would they get upset about it? Maybe but that's them projecting what they want onto us and not respecting what we want because we really don't give toss about celebrating birthdays at any time let alone the passing of yet another decade!!

Kintan · 01/04/2019 15:46

Why on earth is your husband upset and angry - this makes no sense! I'm guessing she just wanted to adapt to her new life circumstances with minimum fuss. From your husband's over the top reaction I can see why she might have kept it to herself!

Snog · 01/04/2019 19:35

It's not secrecy, it's just not making it into a big deal!
Getting married or having a baby is something you'd normally share but retirement isn't similar!

Original poster

Bomballerina · 01/04/2019 20:27

Thanks everyone. To answer the questions - I think DH feels hurt his siblings were told and he wasn’t. I don’t have siblings so can’t relate to this much. I guess MIL has a better relationship with them. I think your comments have given me different perspectives on this, so thanks everyone for taking the time. I feel it’s a sad indictment that someone can’t tell close family members that we have made a life changing decision and leave it to detritus left round the house to explain. But clearly some people desire more privacy and that has been highlighted, so thanks everyone.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 01/04/2019 20:30

Well you didn’t actually say that in your OP!

So she told his siblings, had some sort of party, and never included him?

That’s different.

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