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Original poster

To discuss Christmas in March!!!

81 replies

FineFanks · 31/03/2019 21:00

Ok so I know it’s over 6 months away but I’m already fretting over this.

DH & I have gone to my PILs every Christmas for the last 8 years (since before we were married.) They live almost 2 hours away so we always stay with them for a few days.

We spend Christmas Eve with my family, they live just down the road from us so we go home that evening. My DM has been very good about us going there for Xmas day, but it does always make me sad leaving and know I’m not seeing them on Xmas day itself.

I am pregnant and due in late Sept.

Today my MIL started talking about a cot she is getting, so “when you’re over to mine for Christmas”. I have no intentions of going this year. I don’t want to travel with my 3 month old baby and I want to spend its first Christmas at home.

I’m worried this new is going to go down like a shit sandwich with MIL who is very demanding.

Can I really be expected to pack up all my new baby’s things and travel to spend Christmas at their house?

How am I going to break the news? (Obviously much closer to the time)

Advice please Confused

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 01/04/2019 13:45

Tell your DH it's time to man up and tell his DM you will not be going this year. If he can't or won't then you will have to. She's been lucky to have you there the last eight years. Time for a change. It doesn't make you seem difficult at all.

It's irrelevant if she's forceful - you're a grown woman, soon to have a child and I'm sure you can match her forcefulness if you try. Ignore all tantrums and moody behaviour and do what you want.

WildFlower2019 · 01/04/2019 13:51

The correct answer is that you get DH/DP to tell MIL GrinGrinGrin

ForalltheSaints · 01/04/2019 13:56

WildFlower2019 agree. The DH can think of many good reasons why a young baby should be at home at Christmas. He should do it soon out of kindness to everyone.

lillymunster · 01/04/2019 14:01

It was expected that I went to my exPILs every Christmas despite having my mum and stepdad and my dad who I would have wanted to see. After 5 years I announced I wouldn't be going and would be spending it with my dad. It caused a real stink. If MILs get that worked up about someone spending Christmas with their own family then they are absolute twats.

Babyhumps · 01/04/2019 14:02

Calmdown Janet - You need to stop giving a shit, seriously stop over thinking.

This.

We all at some point have to become the parents and our own parents should be mature enough to accept that one day, we Will be grown ups and want to do thinga our way. You will thank yourself for staying home at Christmas with your new family OP

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2019 15:10

I’m not usually such a weak person but i convinced myself “this works for us” (cos my DM has never given us shit for it!)

But that's neither kind nor fair. I'd be quite hurt.

MrsKipling1980 · 01/04/2019 15:24

I think your MIL is being selfish jumping to the assumption that Christmas will go as normal given you'll have a new born baby.

She really should've had a conversation with you making it clear that she'll hold no grudge if you'd prefer to stay at home.

She's hoping you'll be too polite to say anything & will just go along with her expectations.

Just tell her what you want & if she doesn't like it it's tough. She's a grown women & needs to realise you want to do things your own way now you have a baby.

pandarific · 01/04/2019 16:42
  • To everyone saying I shouldn't be vague, and should make it clear now we will not be coming...

Do you not think it makes me come across as being a bit difficult? Digging my heels in about bringing a baby that has not even entered the world yet?

Not disagreeing with you, just worried that I'll look petulant - that would make it easier to shoot me down, if I don't come across as being reasonable*

Why would it make you easier to shoot down? What form would the shooting down take and who'd be doing it?

DownStreet · 01/04/2019 18:18

Babies aren’t predictable so even if you really wanted to go, MIL should be stressing that it’s no trouble if it doesn’t work out

Babies give you enough to do without running yourself ragged for relatives too. And they grow so quickly. You don’t want to be looking back on this Christmas as the one you stressed yourself out fulfilling other people’s demands rather than your lovey first Christmas with your baby.

I say this as someone who has always put myself out for ILs. But after a couple of occasions where I wanted a bit of understanding for a change and they were very ungracious about it I am left resenting them massively.

MumUnderTheMoon · 01/04/2019 18:44

Just say "now we have a child we will be spending Christmas in our own home making our own traditions like you did with your kids". Leave it at that.

GinUnicorn · 01/04/2019 19:38

We had this with in laws. I just told them politely we would like to be at home for a while. Might be better than you think

AnnieMay100 · 01/04/2019 19:56

If she brings it up again a simple ‘we were discussing how thoughtful that was, but decided while we were on the subject we should stay home and start new traditions with the baby this year, we’ll sort out Christmas visits nearer the time let’s enjoy spring/summer first’ she can’t strop about it for the next 8 months!

Purpleartichoke · 01/04/2019 20:01

March is the perfect time
To make these plans. Now that we have dd, we never travel at Christmas. That is just our personal preference. We visit out of town relatives at other times of the year.

PinkiOcelot · 01/04/2019 20:18

I wouldn’t leave it for your DH to tell her, I wouldn’t trust him to tbh. I would tell her. You’ve been far too soft for the past 8 years!

Sweetpea55 · 01/04/2019 20:30

No time like the present. Get it in now and don't leave it until the last minute to tell her.

AuntMarch · 01/04/2019 20:44

You can invite them to your parents. It's up to them whether they come, or stay up with their other DCs and visit you between Xmas and new year instead. At least by offering you've made the gesture 🤷

Original poster
FineFanks · 01/04/2019 21:11

She's hoping you'll be too polite to say anything & will just go along with her expectations.

Oh, totally!! She said “when you come for Christmas” whilst smiling and nodding at me. I don’t know what to say. I just looked away!

OP posts:
Original poster
FineFanks · 01/04/2019 21:14

Why would it make you easier to shoot down? What form would the shooting down take and who'd be doing it?

MIL. She’s not the most understanding of people. She won’t think of the logistics and impractibilty of packing up, driving all that way etc. She’s likely to be upset and jump to the conclusion that I don’t want to spend Christmas with them, I’m being difficult, I don’t want them to see their new grandchild on Christmas Day. Honestly, I’m expecting a real tantrum over this! Hence my unease!!

OP posts:
Original poster
FineFanks · 01/04/2019 21:18

they grow so quickly. You don’t want to be looking back on this Christmas as the one you stressed yourself out fulfilling other people’s demands rather than your lovey first Christmas with your baby.

That’s exactly it! The very thought makes me sad. Honestly, every year that we’ve driven away from my family’s house to spend Christmas Day (few days as we stay!) with ILs I have a lump in my throat & my lovely DM tells me not to be silly, I’ll have a lovely time when I get there. I do feel a bit resentful for how many years I’ve gone there and now I just don’t want to. I want to, as many PPs have stated, start new traditions with my own little family of 3. Yes, this includes visiting my parents for Christmas dinner because it would be silly not to as they’re down the road and I haven’t had a Christmas dinner at my mums in 8 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
FineFanks · 01/04/2019 21:21

@Nanny0gg I agree, I have the guilt over it, and I resent the fact that I have caved! Another reason I really don’t want to go this year! As I said, the last couple of years I’ve gone along thinking “in a few years you’ll have a baby and you can get out of this”

OP posts:
MochaToGo · 01/04/2019 22:39

In response to one of your previous comments, I agree that ringing her up now to tell her you're not spending Christmas there would be a bit odd. Personally I'd save it for next time she mentions it. Or just be vague for now and say you're going to see how you feel nearer the time. Once you have the baby it will be much easier to say you're exhausted and want a quiet one without too many people around (it may well be true!)

How often do you see her? Could you suggest going to spend a few days with them on another date - maybe end of Jan when your baby is a bit older? Sell it as a positive - being able to have longer there and it all be a bit more relaxed? She might just be worried she'd not going to see her grandchild and may be less inclined to complain if she's got something in the diary for another time?

wineandroses1 · 02/04/2019 08:22

I wouldn’t wait for her to mention it again (she’s probably already started looking for a cot), I’d ring her or text her and say something like “MIL, you mentioned buying a cot for when we’re over at Christmas, but that won’t be necessary as we’ll be spending Christmas at home with new baby, and starting our own Christmas traditions. Of course you’ll be very welcome to visit us after Christmas”.
If she counters that by saying the family will all come to yours then you can say “no, after Christmas is better as we will be having Christmas lunch with my parents, which is long overdue, given we’re spent the last 8 years yours”. Don’t wait for DH to talk to her about it as it won’t happen.

And I agree with NannyOgg - your poor parents, they must feel like second class citizens, your DH and his family have been very selfish about Christmas and sadly you’ve allowed it. If my daughter did the same as you’ve done I’d feel immensely sad Sad

pandarific · 02/04/2019 09:55

She’s likely to be upset and jump to the conclusion that I don’t want to spend Christmas with them, I’m being difficult, I don’t want them to see their new grandchild on Christmas Day. Honestly, I’m expecting a real tantrum over this!

So basically she is highly manipulative! In which case you know she'll behave this way and throw a tantrum to get what she wants - nothing you do will cause it, she'll behave this way because she's not getting what she wants.

Be polite and courteous to her, but you need to tell your dh you are 100% not going and that he needs to let her know. Also let him know that she will cry and manipulate, but you still aren't going to go, and he needs to let any drama wash over him and be a broken record.

Original poster
FineFanks · 02/04/2019 09:59

your poor parents, they must feel like second class citizens, your DH and his family have been very selfish about Christmas and sadly you’ve allowed it. If my daughter did the same as you’ve done I’d feel immensely sad

Oh this makes me feel terrible Sad I know, and you're completely right. But my DM is like me, we both just want to keep the peace and we know MIL would have a right hissy fit. Whenever I'm sad to leave them my DM always reassures me telling me I'll be fine once I get there and have a prosecco etc. I feel like we've been subservient to MIL's demands for so many years its now just expected of us. And it's not fair.

This Christmas will be different, because it will be different with us having a baby.

OP posts:
wineandroses1 · 02/04/2019 10:20

Sorry Op, I didn't mean to make you feel terrible. I do think that you need to be brave and start sending MIL (and DH) the message that next Christmas you will be at home with your new little family, and you'll be seeing YOUR parents for lunch. There will be tantrums but by the time Christmas arrives it will be a done deal.