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Original poster

To discuss Christmas in March!!!

81 replies

FineFanks · 31/03/2019 21:00

Ok so I know it’s over 6 months away but I’m already fretting over this.

DH & I have gone to my PILs every Christmas for the last 8 years (since before we were married.) They live almost 2 hours away so we always stay with them for a few days.

We spend Christmas Eve with my family, they live just down the road from us so we go home that evening. My DM has been very good about us going there for Xmas day, but it does always make me sad leaving and know I’m not seeing them on Xmas day itself.

I am pregnant and due in late Sept.

Today my MIL started talking about a cot she is getting, so “when you’re over to mine for Christmas”. I have no intentions of going this year. I don’t want to travel with my 3 month old baby and I want to spend its first Christmas at home.

I’m worried this new is going to go down like a shit sandwich with MIL who is very demanding.

Can I really be expected to pack up all my new baby’s things and travel to spend Christmas at their house?

How am I going to break the news? (Obviously much closer to the time)

Advice please Confused

OP posts:
EL8888 · 31/03/2019 23:04

I would starting setting my stall out now if l was you. You MIL has had a fair go on it. It’s now your turn to have Christmas your way. Personally l wouldn’t be dragging myself round the UK in the winter, with a 2-3 month old baby in tow

Traynorbird · 31/03/2019 23:12

Yeah, if she mentions it again, just say that now you have your own little family you'll be staying at home for Christmas from now on. After the first baby is a really good time to put your foot down and tell everyone how you're going to do things. You can always change later if you want to. Me and DH started our own 'tradition' of having xmas just us after we got married and once its set in for a few years you can change it up a bit without people beginning to expect a particular thing from you.
And I'd also thank her for the nice thought about getting a cot as you likely will be visit and that was super thoughtful etc...

pink412 · 31/03/2019 23:13

We start planning for it at work in a few weeks.l I know it’s only April

DownStreet · 31/03/2019 23:19

Just make your mind up that you’re not going this year, and don’t start questioning yourself. 3 months is tiny and if people put pressure on you with a baby that young they are just selfish. Yes, they’re portable at that age, but you might be grabbing a few hours of broken sleep and just want to be in your own home taking it easy. I don’t know how you get to ILs but your baby may not like the car seat and be unhappy the whole way etc. If you’re breastfeeding, your baby might feed all evening nearly at that age so you just want to be comfortable.

Anyone thoughtful would want to make it as easy on you as possible, and make it known they have no expectations.

TriciaH87 · 31/03/2019 23:33

Firstly do it now as once she buys that thing shes guilt tripping you into going. Explain that a 2 hour journey with a very young baby is not ideal as being in s car seat for so long is not good for baby. Plus the one million items you would need to take with you along with all the usual stuff. At theirs is it just you and them as if so suggest they come to you if its practical or see if your parents could host them over night. Else if they book into a hotel so you can have babies first christmas with both sets of grand parents. Explain that after 8 christmas days with them your family feel it is their turn and your mum being so close will be your support network. Say your family has expanded and its time to start your own traditions. Do so now however as the closer it gets she will have the chance to say you knew she was planning it and has bought everything. Be polite but firm. Talk to your husband first to make sure he knows its not for discussion so he can not agree behind your back.

SparkofJoy · 31/03/2019 23:35

You don't have to tread carefully. You've spend 8 years with his family and you'll be spending the next few with yours or at home.

SparkofJoy · 31/03/2019 23:43

As for him not being prepared to discuss Christmas that an absolute cop out. His DM does. I'd let him know you absolutely won't be going to his parents and how and when he lets them know is up to him but sooner might be better. Regardless of what assumptions are made, late it gets for him to break the news, shopping is bought, tears you and your baby will not be going. If your mil mentions it direct her to your DH. I'd probably 'thanks for thinking of us, we won't be at yours for Christmas day, you need to talk to your son". You don't need an excuse, just repeat like a broken record to them both and then go through with it or you'll spend the next 8 years (forever) doing what other people want.

Crunchymum · 31/03/2019 23:44

As much as I hate cliches, you have a DP problem....

greenlynx · 01/04/2019 00:20

Your DH should tell her now, much easier than to leave it up to Xmas. And she needs to understand that things are changing.
I like Owwlie’s line: We plan on staying at home for Christmas Day once DC is born.
It’s nice and short.

Original poster
FineFanks · 01/04/2019 09:32

Thanks all for the advice. Next time it comes up I am going to brush it off with a vague "thanks but Christmas will most likely be a different arrangement this year with us having a small baby" and direct her to DH if she pushes anything.

I typically have a great relationship with her, but when she doesn't get her way she can be very forceful and I generally like to keep the peace, so often find myself agreeing.

Thing is, because her husband is totally hen-pecked by her, she comes to me instead of DH... she thinks I'm the decision-maker like she is in her marriage. I'm the one that gets all the messages "What time will you be with us on Xday? What do you 2 want for XYZ?"

As much as I hate cliches, you have a DP problem....

DH is not a submissive kind of guy but she knows how to pull on his heartstrings and obviously he loves his mum and doesn't want to upset her.

I think it's one thing telling her we won't be visiting, its another thing telling her (or her forcing out of us!) that we'll be going to my DMs for Xmas dinner... when I said I wanted to spend Christmas "at home", I meant waking up in my own house, having a relaxed morning with presents just us 3, perhaps a nice walk, then heading over to my parents for Christmas dinner, spending time with them then heading back to our house for the night. I wouldn't lock myself up at home with DH and baby with my own Mum & Dad just a mile down the road from us. Plus, as PP said - I would be silly to turn down a ready-made Christmas laid on for us.

Thanks again, lots of helpful tips. Does seem I need to grow a pair of lady balls & just tell her straight (then direct her to her DS)

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 01/04/2019 09:36

Do t wait till nearer the time, tell everyone now that you're staying home for Xmas. Don't listen to the weeping and wailing, do what works for you.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/04/2019 09:39

Tell the sooner rather than later. If she kicks off it gives more time for her to calm down

thecatsthecats · 01/04/2019 09:40

Hey, I started our 'where to spend Christmas' conversation on January 6th Grin I had to capitalise on the fact that I cried on Christmas Day (we were away on honeymoon).

KC225 · 01/04/2019 11:42

The more she mentions it and the more you are vague you are and the more chance she will have at guilt tripping you. 'But I have mentioned it several times and you didn't say anything about not coming, I even told you about all the things we were buying and you let me buy them'.

You need to bite the bullet now OP. Tell her you are staying at home this year, not travelling with a three month old in Christmas traffic etc. You do not have to tell her that you will be having Christmas dinner with your mum. Be vague about that one. Keep saying what you have been saying to us - you want to wake in your own house this Christmas.

I do agree with the others that your DH is a problem here and he should be taking the discussion but the fact is he is not and in 9 months time when you are hormonal and zombie walking through the house on 4 hours sleep are you really confident you will be able to say 'Not this year MIL'.

lmusic87 · 01/04/2019 11:50

I agree, tell her now and she can sulk about it.

thecatsthecats · 01/04/2019 12:05

Agree with KC225 - I don't think being vague helps, plus it sets you up for 9 months of being asked what you've decided.

What you do need to be ready for though is her deciding she will come to you instead!

AuntMarch · 01/04/2019 12:35

Would your parents extend the dinner invitation to them? All grandparents get to see baby for first Christmas and you have none of the travelling or cooking to contend with so you can fully enjoy it.
Or invite them down to yours boxing day and go out for lunch / evening buffet at home.

I totally get wanting to be in your own home with your own tree etc and start your own traditions

HeathRobinson · 01/04/2019 12:45

I would say your dp is leaving it late enough to say, 'Oh, Mum's bought the turkey now. We'll have to go...' or similar.

I hope I'm wrong!

SpannerH · 01/04/2019 13:06

She has been used to it for the past 8 years so its understandable she would expect it to happen this year and would require a conversation. I also don't understand the as a family thing. You are all a big extended family.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 13:15

Sadly I’d course she expects you this Christmas as you’ve been for the past 8 years! That was the mistake I’m afraid.

She will more than likely pull her face when you say you’re not going especially as you’ll have the baby this year.

Get DH to tell her that as it’s your first Christmas after having the baby you’ll be spending it at home and will hopefully come next year.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 13:15

Of not I’d

TeenTimesTwo · 01/04/2019 13:17

I agree with those saying start dripping it in now.
"We probably won't want to travel with the baby."
Much better to give them time to get used to the idea.

Original poster
FineFanks · 01/04/2019 13:17

To everyone saying I shouldn't be vague, and should make it clear now we will not be coming...

Do you not think it makes me come across as being a bit difficult? Digging my heels in about bringing a baby that has not even entered the world yet?

Not disagreeing with you, just worried that I'll look petulant - that would make it easier to shoot me down, if I don't come across as being reasonable.

Also, to everyone suggesting to invite them along, that would be fine with my parents but unfortunately its not just them. It's all DH's siblings and their children as well. Another reason I've always been "bullied into" (can only very loosely say that as I did agree) to going every year - because there are so many of them that we'd miss out on seeing if we didn't go along.

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 01/04/2019 13:28

Nah, it doesn't make you difficult, it makes you decisive and stops 'discussions' lasting the 6 months until Christmas!

TeenTimesTwo · 01/04/2019 13:29

Well that's great. They have all their other DC with them, so it's not like you are leaving them alone on Christmas Day, is it. Smile